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Ana
Guest
Thank you for the suggestion. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I will do it if she is not cooperative.
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Ana
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the phoenix said:
Amazing … behaving like that at that age.:nope:
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Peace-bwu
Guest
Little Mary:
Just a thought at two thirty AM.
BTW, I visited, and You can read about all my pets on that thread.
Isn’t an “Un-Clique” thread a “clique” of people who don’t want to be in a “clique?” Sort of like “non-denominatinal” is a denomination of people who don’t want to be in a formal denomination?Ana, I know exactly how you feel! These forums are blessed w/ the best group of people!! I recently posted a personal issue and received a ton of caring, helpful, thoughtful responses!
Come over to the "Un-Clique" thread (name has to do with the prob I posted) and party with us. It’s in the **Water Cooler **forum. We promise not to keep you too long, we won’t mess up the house, and we’ll leave when you tell us to!!
Just a thought at two thirty AM.
BTW, I visited, and You can read about all my pets on that thread.
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AlanFromWichita
Guest
Yes! That’s exactly what they are!Isn’t an “Un-Clique” thread a “clique” of people who don’t want to be in a “clique?” Sort of like “non-denominatinal” is a denomination of people who don’t want to be in a formal denomination?
Just a thought at two thirty AM.
Wow… how to grasp this … it must be another example of the bipolar (Yin/Yang) nature of the universe!
Who inside a box knows what the box looks like without exploring it from the outside or listening to one who has? http://bestsmileys.com/thinking/7.gif
Perhaps now that we have Un-cliques, it will help us see the true nature of Cliques! Once that happens Christ can come build the kingdom of unity! Yahoo! :dancing:
In the future, many will try to thank us, but we deserve nothing except to brag about the Lord because we are but only servants doing our job. For this reason our light shall be spread far and wide across all continents so that no single person will be pedestalized and tempted with pride! :bowdown:
Alan
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AlanFromWichita
Guest
Dear Ana,
I was thinking about this thread a bit ago and it occurred to me that your second step is not going to be easy.
Of course, you know that, but the unknowing of whether you even wanted to take the second step is gone at least.
As this unfolds, you will be challenged to judge yourself or to change your plan. I suggest you always be amenable to a change in the plan or procedure or even particulars, as long as they fall within certain limits. What I mean is, the point is to prevent her from interfering negatively with your children – not to get rid of her, so it’s an exercise in boundaries. Therefore, be agile as she might make changes or throw you curve balls that make this task either easier or harder, so be ready to change your plans – just not your resolved goals to give your kids and other responsibilities their proper attention and command some reasonable amount of privacy.
This is all fairly obvious, I suppose. I just want you to know that now we have encouraged you, we will be with you in prayers and on this thread, God willing, as you put this into practice.
Peace,
Alan
I was thinking about this thread a bit ago and it occurred to me that your second step is not going to be easy.
Of course, you know that, but the unknowing of whether you even wanted to take the second step is gone at least.
As this unfolds, you will be challenged to judge yourself or to change your plan. I suggest you always be amenable to a change in the plan or procedure or even particulars, as long as they fall within certain limits. What I mean is, the point is to prevent her from interfering negatively with your children – not to get rid of her, so it’s an exercise in boundaries. Therefore, be agile as she might make changes or throw you curve balls that make this task either easier or harder, so be ready to change your plans – just not your resolved goals to give your kids and other responsibilities their proper attention and command some reasonable amount of privacy.
This is all fairly obvious, I suppose. I just want you to know that now we have encouraged you, we will be with you in prayers and on this thread, God willing, as you put this into practice.
Peace,
Alan
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IMAbeliever
Guest
Ana-
A couple of years ago you helped me out with great advice re: a family situation. I remember you from that and still appreciate you efforts!
I have nothing to add what is posted above- but firmly concur with the position of the group. I recall a holy priest once telling me “your path to holiness lies in following your vocation- which is marriage and family”. When you look at it from this perspective, it is quite clear what you must do. And it sounds like you have already taken steps to that end.
I will say a prayer for you … and for your “friend”.
Peace,
Todd
A couple of years ago you helped me out with great advice re: a family situation. I remember you from that and still appreciate you efforts!
I have nothing to add what is posted above- but firmly concur with the position of the group. I recall a holy priest once telling me “your path to holiness lies in following your vocation- which is marriage and family”. When you look at it from this perspective, it is quite clear what you must do. And it sounds like you have already taken steps to that end.
I will say a prayer for you … and for your “friend”.
Peace,
Todd
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mercygate
Guest
Ding-dong.
Ana: Hello, Mary. This is an extremely bad time for a visit. I simply cannot ask you in. I really MUST go back to what I was doing.
'Bye now.
Slam.
Ana: Hello, Mary. This is an extremely bad time for a visit. I simply cannot ask you in. I really MUST go back to what I was doing.
'Bye now.
Slam.
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Brenda_V
Guest
Ana,
Consider getting one of those call-id phones that announces out loud the number and/or name, that way you don’t have to run up close to the phone, or get one that is cordless so you can keep it near so you don’t have to stop too long to check the phone.
Also, if you don’t already have the chain on your door, put one on no matter what happens. Make sure your doors and windows are locked at all times so she doesn’t just let herself in because this is the next step I see her doing, she is going to think you don’t mean it (that you don’t want to see her).
Brenda V.
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AlanFromWichita
Guest
I like this better than pure avoidance because it is honest, and only unkind to the person who cannot accept the truth.
Particularly when dealing with somebody with mental illness, I think a kind, straightforward approach might be stronger than one where we hope she “gets the hint.” She may get the wrong hint, and think something’s wrong so she has to become more aggressive in contacting you.
I don’t have anything against screening phone calls or selectively answering the door, but I’m only speaking as far as how well you’re likely to get a proper message across that could help her understand.
It is not necessary that she understand, just that she leaves you alone. If she does understand, though, maybe she’ll learn something the Holy Spirit was setting her up to learn. I’ve learned a lot of lessons in “detachment” lately and I know how much freer she’ll be when she learns to be free of chasing you. Maybe in the future if she learns to quit being needy and grabby and pushy and chasy and basically frenzied about everything, it will be easier to see how you can help her without being drained of all your own resources.
Alan
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
Absolutely… which is not saying that someone with a vocation to the single life would need to endure this pattern of treatment, either.
Can you imagine a monastery in the world letting her get as far as she has? What she is doing is a violation. Unless her mental break has crossed over into the psychotic, it is a willful violation at that. Allowing her to continue is no service to her, but a service to chaos. She needs to be lovingly but firmly redirected to more appropriate behavior, and on no uncertain terms.
Come to think of it, if you tried this at a monastery, when the time came for a particular duty you would be informed that their duty called, and they would absent themselves. If you insisted on joining them, they would gently let you know that would not be possible, and escort you to the door. (Of course, it would be easier to do that gently if you had ten or fifteen strong monks to help you!
)
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Ana
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Well, I’ve written a letter to her, it is direct and to the point, maybe even a little harsh. Now I am just fighting “feeling bad for her.”
I want to tone it down a little, but I am afraid to, because even being direct so far has been inneffective. If I get the opportunity, I will post it later, and maybe get some (name removed by moderator)ut and editing advice from some of you wonderful folks.God bless!
I want to tone it down a little, but I am afraid to, because even being direct so far has been inneffective. If I get the opportunity, I will post it later, and maybe get some (name removed by moderator)ut and editing advice from some of you wonderful folks.God bless!
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Ana
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Plus avoidance doesn’t stop the bleeding, just exhausts your supply of band aids.
Yes, I don’t want to hide, or screen my calls. I want her to respect the boundaries I have set!
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That would be wonderful.
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Giannawannabe
Guest
Oh, Ana, I hate to give you my opinion on this, but I really feel the need to. You may want to really, really think over whether you want to put your thoughts into writing. This could be used against you somehow. I know that sounds paranoid, but I have had it happen to me, and I absolutely NEVER leave messages on the phone or in writing. It’s asking for trouble, especially when dealing with a person like the one you describe here. Just think on it a little, okay?Well, I’ve written a letter to her, it is direct and to the point, maybe even a little harsh. Now I am just fighting “feeling bad for her.”
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
That is a point I hadn’t thought of. If the woman is kind of obsessive, she might read that thing to death, too.Oh, Ana, I hate to give you my opinion on this, but I really feel the need to. You may want to really, really think over whether you want to put your thoughts into writing. This could be used against you somehow. I know that sounds paranoid, but I have had it happen to me, and I absolutely NEVER leave messages on the phone or in writing. It’s asking for trouble, especially when dealing with a person like the one you describe here. Just think on it a little, okay?
Maybe Ana could use her writing to prepare her for some role-playing… would that would be a better way to prepare for laying the law down directly, do you think?
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Ana
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Please don’t hesitate to give advice to me, especially since that’s the point of this thread, isn’t it?Oh, Ana, I hate to give you my opinion on this, but I really feel the need to. You may want to really, really think over whether you want to put your thoughts into writing. This could be used against you somehow. I know that sounds paranoid, but I have had it happen to me, and I absolutely NEVER leave messages on the phone or in writing. It’s asking for trouble, especially when dealing with a person like the one you describe here. Just think on it a little, okay?
I am curious as to what you think could be a worst case scenario. There’s nothing in it, that is not true, nor that I would care if anyone else knew. I just don’t want to give her the opportunity to “blow past” my assertions or agree with me, than ignore what I have said (which has been the case thus far.).
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Ana
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I could care less how many times she reads the letter, as long as it doesn’t involve me answering my door or phone to her. That sounds mean doesn’t it?
This isn’t the first time someone suggested role playing, might be worth some thought. The only problem is she always agrees with me, then proceeds with the same behavior.
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mommyaprilj
Guest
If you are financially able, now may be a good time to consult a lawyer, regarding your rights and how to protect yourself.
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Ana
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I reread my posts, and saw where I mentioned that I saw her as a threat. I need to choose my words more carefully sometimes.
I meant threat towards my time and attentions (taken from my family), not that there is any fear of her or what she might do in retaliation. I guess anything is possible, but I have known her for a few years now, and she is a very gentle person. Also, she is slightly intimidated by me … I think this contributes to her kind of “idol worship” of me …she wants to be like me it seems … but I think she could be a very beautiful “her,” if she could just get straightened out a bit and live up to her potential. She has a lot of beautiful qualities that get buried under her illness.
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Giannawannabe
Guest
Worst case scenario…she can flash your letter around and totally misinterpret your words to people. If she’s manipulative enough, she can stress certain things, making it seem like you are just an insensitive, mean, ogre. I have a family member similar to your “friend”. She has taken letters, emails, phone messages, and actually been able to add/subtract things, use underlines, etc. to give a totally different meaning. She undoubtedly will not take your letter at face value. It will be completely taken apart and put back together in such a way that will make her look like some kind of martyr.Please don’t hesitate to give advice to me, especially since that’s the point of this thread, isn’t it?
I am curious as to what you think could be a worst case scenario. There’s nothing in it, that is not true, nor that I would care if anyone else knew. I just don’t want to give her the opportunity to “blow past” my assertions or agree with me, than ignore what I have said (which has been the case thus far.).
Just my experience!!! May not happen to you, but just be careful, okay?
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8isgr8
Guest
Yes, probably saying horrible things about you is the worst case-- unless she’s prone to violence or something. However, I went through this worst-case with my friends. They told everyone how awful I was. I know their daughter lied about me, which could conceivably, I suppose, have led to me being fired. Worst case, everyone would have believed them and hated me.
BUT… and I bet the same is true from what you’ve said of your friend… everyone KNEW this family. Everyone KNEW the daughter! People were coming back to me laughing about it. It was really quite sad for that family. In the end, in fact, they shot themselves in the foot-- the girl got expelled and the dad quit his job in a fit of anger and wasn’t hired back when he came to his senses.
But even IF everyone had believed her, I think I still would have been so relieved to be done with it all, I would have gladly taken that option over continuing to have my house, pets, and children mistreated. So, honestly, I think the worst case scenario for you is that this situation will continue.
Good luck. I hope there’s some progress.
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