Annoying friend

[Ana]

Peace-bwu:

she is manipulating you. She obviously has serious boundary issues.!

Peace-bwu:

Be very clear that "My first responsibility is to my family and you do not respect the boundaries I want in our friendship.!

Yes, this is exactly what the problem is. And because of a past history of sexual abuse as a child … I am very sensitive to “boundaries.” And after encounters with her I feel (although not in a sexual way) … violated. It makes me very repulsed inside and I even feel physically sick to my stomach after being with her.

Peace-bwu:

Be strong!

Thank you.

 

[Ana]

Peace-bwu:

You are right she is literally draining you in order to get through her daily life. She’s like a drug addict, you are her drug. She will do whatever she must do to get that drug. Allowing her to use you is not helping her. She needs professional help…

This analogy is very helpful.

Peace-bwu:

You are the one giving and being taken advantage of. You are trying to be a good Christian, but perhaps God has a lesson in here for you. Pray about it and ask what the Lord wants you to learn from this experience. Enforcing your boundaries may be exactly what she needs to grow and change,.

… and what I need too. I think that there is a lesson in here for me, and it does involve “protecting myself” by enforcing my boundaries.

 

[Ana]

FOS:

Take an example from today’s gospel. Jesus healed the leper, because he had pity on him, and told him specifically not to tell anyone, but to go directly to the priest at the temple for the proper purification ceremony. But instead the leper went and blabbed to everyone in sight. So then, whereever Jesus went he was besetted by needy people. So, he had to hide out in the desert because people wouldn’t leave him alone.

Which goes to show that even the Lord needed some space and couldn’t answer every need. Even the Lord didn’t like too many demands. So, take it from Jesus, you have a right to your privacy and aren’t obligated to personally fullfill this woman’s endless needs.

Thank you, this gospel story is VERY helpful, and now I have a new mantra …

… I am not obligated to personally fulfill this womans endless needs

… I am not obligated to personally fulfill this woman’s endless needs

… I am not obligated to personally fulfill this womans ENDLESS NEEDS

I am feeling better already!!

 

[Ana]

BLB_Oregon:

It is important to note that we are called to serve the needy… including the neurotically needy.

But if we don’t draw appropriate boundaries, let’s face it… we will be the only friends they ever have and they will be the only people we ever serve…

This is a very true statement.

BLB_Oregon:

When drawing the line with this woman, it is important to let her know that it is her refusal to respect your boundaries that you take issue with. Besides, she is totally violating the peace of your home. Protecting that is your duty, too…

Yep … you’re right.

BLB_Oregon:

If you can still manage it at this point, it would be great to let her know that she would be welcome back when she has given your friendship some time to recover (that is, a certain amount of time with* no contact*) and she is willing to respect your boundaries: she will not come over without calling, she will not come over when you have told her it is a bad time, she will leave when asked, and so on…

If I can still manage it at this point? How did you know how fed up I was? I have already decided that IF there is still a relationship in the future, a period of NO CONTACT is absolutely necessary. I need some time to recover. Phew!

BLB_Oregon:

So it is clear that being hard on people isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, there is no getting around it. Sometime, it is your duty…

Yes, this has certainly been made made clear too me.

BLB_Oregon:

Hang in there. God be with you, dear one. Please do find a professional to give you advice on this, by the way. Your local county health department or suicide hot line may have someone you can talk to, someone with more professional and specific advice.

This is very good advice, and I think I will do that.

 

[Ana]

KCT:

Does she have a cell phone? If so, do you know the number? The next time she’s at your door, call her cell phone and tell her you’re too busy for company. Don’t even open the door. Call out the window to her if you have to, but don’t open the door

Very, very good idea.

KCT:

As for her calling you ump-teen times a day, turn off your ringer (or silence your cell). You can check periodically for legitimate messages.

I’ve done that already. That’s when she started dropping by unannounced.

 

[KCT]

Ana:

I’ve done that already. That’s when she started dropping by unannounced.

So you’ll stop opening the door, right —KCT

 

[KCT]

Stand strong. Know that when you change the steps to your dance, she won’t like it, and will probably do everything in her power to get you to change back. Do not give in. You changing will ultimately help her. —KCT

 

[Scout]

Ana,

As a person with bipolar disorder, I can understand both sides of the issue here. So, I hope this makes you feel better when I tell you that the best thing for both of you is for you to end the relationship. Not only is it not helping you by having her take over your life, it is not helping her, either. By you “allowing” her to come in anytime, it’s keeping her from working on the issues in her life that she needs to deal with. My guess is, and I say this because I’ve done it, that she is spending all this extra time with you because she’s avoiding issues in her own life.

Hopefully, by “cutting her off”, she’ll be able to see some areas in her life that need some work, and she’ll start wanting to work on them. If she doesn’t, then that’s her loss.

Either way, you’re doing the right thing. You’ll be in my prayers tomorrow evening when I go to Adoration.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Ana]

StephanieC:

Get protective, woman! Stop thinking of the stunts she is pulling as being about the two of you. She is forcing her way into your family’s home and taking your attention away from your primary vocation.

This is the PRIMARY reason for my need for change. Although she seems to not understand, this has had a very real impact on my ability to minister and care for my family in the way I feel God is calling me to. I have come to see her as a threat.

StephanieC:

If, as you say, you have said and done all of the things that have been suggested to you, perhaps you need to practice being a Mama Grizzly Bear with someone-

I was speaking to my girlfriend of 12 yrs. on the phone, (we were roomates before we each married). I was describing the situation and my resolutions to address the situation in a more forceful way, she commented that she hadn’t seen that side of me in a long time.

I think one thing about a later in life conversion is learning when to fight. I used to have a reputation for not taking any ****, but after my conversion I started “offering it up” more and defending myself less. This is where I think we need to be careful of knee jerk reactions (even “good” ones), and be open to the examining the nuances of every situation under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, instead of assuming His Will. I ASSUMED for a long time, God’s Will was to be “hospitable” and offer up any inconvenience this individual caused in my life. I could have saved myself, my family and possibly her, a lot of heartache, if I would have been more open and less “sure” of what God’s Will … IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION … was.

StephanieC:

And, last but not least: think of the lesson your children are learning by your actions (or inaction.)

A tremendous one.

 

[Ana]

**ACK! Good grief! Can you move?! **

---

LOL! That’s funny because a few months ago, it was possible we were going to move and though I was sad about potentially leaving, I was excited at the prospect of being freed of her.

---

Rob's Wife:
I must say I don’t think this woman is even a “nice” person. “Nice” people do not destroy your home and walk all over you like this.

---

It’s not that she’s not nice. It’s more like she doesn’t “get it.” It has been extremely frustrating.

 

[Ana]

Giannawannabe:

It is not sinful to be “rude” to this woman. She is destroying your family life, being inconsiderate of your time, and being manipulative. She’s taken extreme advantage of your good nature. I certainly wouldn’t call your relationship with her a “friendship”. I agree with the posters who said to not let her in when she stops by unannounced. Every time she does, tell her you are busy homeschooling and can not visit. Sometimes just don’t answer the door, sometimes answer with an excuse. Do not answer the phone to her–especially during homeschooling hours. If your children were at school, their lessons would not be interrupted like that. This technique may take some time, but she will eventually “need” to have someone else to take advantage of. She won’t be able to stand it, and will move on. Believe me. It works.

Yes, homeschooling is hard enough without her constant interruptions. I hate feeling after she has left, that it just cost my children something.

 

[Ana]

Island Oak:

Enlist the help of your husband immediately. Have him contact this woman’s husband and kindly, but firmly explain that her visits have become frequent, very disruptive to your home and schedule and insist that she refrain from visiting your home unannounced. Her spouse is, no doubt, well aware of her issues. Beyond that, it may be difficult to prevent her from calling, but you never have to answer a phone–esp. if you use caller ID to determine who is on the line.

Though I had asked my husband if he would be willing to call her, I hadn’t thought of him talking ot her husband. That’s something to think about. I feel able, with all the support I am receiving to be FIRM in my dealings with her, but I am glad to know I can count on my husband for backup.

I do screen my calls, but it is a pain to have to stop what I am doing and got to the phone to check my caller ID, even if i don’t answer it, just knowing she is there … needy… on the other end makes me cringe through every ring.

 

[Ana]

8isgr8:

I had a friend somewhat like this-- especially the badly behaved children. In addition to the destruction and mistreatment of our things, her daughter was a monster to my son. I finally realized that, in all my efforts to stop her daughter tormenting him-- without hurting her feelings– I was putting her feelings above my son’s well-being. I finally understood that SHE clearly did not care much about his or my feelings, & my first duty was to protect my son…

Yes, there is one of her children especially … that seems to have a mean streak. My daughter has already expressed that she doesn’t want to be her friend anymore, and I told her that was quite alright.

8isgr8:

Honestly, MAKING THE DECISION to quit worrying about her feelings was the hard part…

I am starting to see that. Just having come to a decision, I feel 80% better.

 

[Ana]

Forest-Pine:

So glad you are seeing that it isn’t rude to be firm about your family’s boundaries. It might make you feel guilty, but it isn’t wrong or rude of you.

When she knocks on the door, open it enough to be clearly visible, but not enough for her to breeze by you, say that you sure wish that she had called before dropping by unannounced as you simply can’t have company over now (do NOT provide an explanation for why), and say that you look forward to seeing her some other time. Don’t engage in conversation. Say you are busy and have to go. Say sorry and shut that door.

If you give an excuse (the baby is sleeping, you have to do housework, it is your family time, your quiet time, etc) she will argue the point with you. You do not have to have a reason why. You do not need to justify it to her. You simply are busy now and cannot entertain her. Then shut the door! You’ll feel bad for doing it, but it is what you have to do. And it isn’t rude!

These are all very good suggestions, I just wish I had the foresight to take care of this before it got so out of hand. One thing is, I am not going to feel guilty about this. I have given her all I can, and more than I have to give. I have been in this relationship with her for almost four years. I’ve had enough.

 

[Ana]

Scout:

As a person with bipolar disorder, I can understand both sides of the issue here. So, I hope this makes you feel better when I tell you that the best thing for both of you is for you to end the relationship.

This DOES make me feel better, thank you.

Scout:

By you “allowing” her to come in anytime, it’s keeping her from working on the issues in her life that she needs to deal with. My guess is, and I say this because I’ve done it, that she is spending all this extra time with you because she’s avoiding issues in her own life.

This is what I have felt instinctively. Like I am some sort of “distraction” for her. I have told her so too, and she agrees but does nothing to change it.

In my excitement at the prospect for “freedom” I fear I had begun to lose compassion for her. This compassion, however misguided, is what prompted me to remain for so long in this relationship. Thank you for reminding me of that. Although I am still determined to end it, I do not want to lose my compassion and goodwill towards this person whom I genuinely care about. Remembering that enabling and allowing her behavior to continue, I am hindering her recovery is very helpful towards that ends.

Scout:

Hopefully, by “cutting her off”, she’ll be able to see some areas in her life that need some work, and she’ll start wanting to work on them. If she doesn’t, then that’s her loss.

I sincerely hope that, with God, this will be brought to her benefit and His glory.

Scout:

Either way, you’re doing the right thing. You’ll be in my prayers tomorrow evening when I go to Adoration.

Scout :tiphat:

Thank you for the validation from the perspective of someone with bipolar disorder, and especially the prayers.

 

[Ana]

KCT:

So you’ll stop opening the door, right —KCT

She’s soon to find out how “STOP” I can be.

 

[Little_Mary]

Ana:

I would like to say thank you again, to all who took the time to read my post, and share their thoughts and experiences. Although I have participated in the moral theology forum debating particular issues, this is the first time I have posted asking for “help.” I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who care enough to advise me, and I see how much I have been missing by not reaching out sooner.

I am so grateful to everyone and each and every post has had something to offer, so although I posted this general “thank you,” I still intend to respond to each post individually.

I have come to the decision to end the relationship, which I wanted to do anyway, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. Now, I am. You all have given me the validation and motivation to follow through in spite of the initial discomfort that might come from “hurting her feelings.” I think this may be one of the few times that I have ever seen a thread where everyones response was UNANIMOUS!! Not only that, but my husband agrees with all that has been said too, what more can I ask for in the way of confirmation?

Thanks again everyone, this "reaching out’ has been so successful, don’t be too surprised if I do it again soon. If before I thought of you all as aquaintances, I now think of all of you as friends. This is even better than the solution to my problem. Thanks again all!!

Ana, I know exactly how you feel! These forums are blessed w/ the best group of people!! I recently posted a personal issue and received a ton of caring, helpful, thoughtful responses!

Come over to the "Un-Clique" thread (name has to do with the prob I posted) and party with us. It’s in the **Water Cooler ** forum. We promise not to keep you too long, we won’t mess up the house, and we’ll leave when you tell us to!!

 

[mommyaprilj]

May I suggest you also change your phone number so she won’t drive you nuts when she realizes you won’t open the door.

Be careful who you give it to and make sure they know not to give it to ANYONE.

 

[Ana]

Little Mary:

Ana, I know exactly how you feel! These forums are blessed w/ the best group of people!! I recently posted a personal issue and received a ton of caring, helpful, thoughtful responses!

Come over to the "Un-Clique" thread (name has to do with the prob I posted) and party with us. It’s in the **Water Cooler **forum. We promise not to keep you too long, we won’t mess up the house, and we’ll leave when you tell us to!!

I can just feeeeeeeeeeeeel the love.

 

[the_phoenix]

mommyaprilj gives advice definitely worth considering.

In my case, the woman I broke ties with was 70 years old, so I considered her pretty harmless. Still, she made several crank calls in which she wouldn’t say anything, then hang up with a loud click. I knew it was her because I could hear her tv on in the background and was familiar with her viewing habits. So I just let the answering machine pick up all my calls. Eventually, the crank calls stopped.

Best of luck!

~~ the phoenix