Annulment newlywed

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I’m not sure if this qualifies for an annulment and I don’t really want one but here it is. My husband and I are newlyweds (less than a year) and still relatively young (i’m 29 and he’s 36). We are both practicing Catholic, dated for 2 years and we waited until marriage to sleep together. We have a great marriage but the lack of physical intimacy alarms me. He did not sleep with me on our wedding night and he started rejecting me the second night. For the first two months of our marriage he didn’t sleep with me once in our bed. We did sleep together but only when we were gone for the weekend and even then he didn’t want to see me naked. (still doesn’t and even when I try to undress him/me before we sleep together he stops me)
During the first 3 months I tried cooking cleaning, making sure I"m in great shape, giving him words of affirmation, being light-hearted, being positive, wearing lingerie but nothing worked, after 3 months I told him frankly what was the problem and started being abrupt with him but still no change. It came to a bad state where I finally was begging him to sleep with me and he just smiled at me and walked away.
What concerns me as well is that when I got pregnant and told him, he told me that same day that he won’t sleep with me at all once I’m four months along.
I want things to work out because I love him and especially now that I am pregnant and a child needs both parents. However, a priest told me to talk to a counselor and the counselor has told me quite a few times to talk to a priest about an annulment but I don’t want to take that step. My husband loves me very much and takes care of me and says that he will work on things, but I’m tired of crying because of this situation all the time as soon as he leaves for work.
Again, I don’t know if this qualifies for an annulment since this is a problem in marriage and so many marriages have problems anyway but I’m just tired of trying to offer up my marriage as a sacrifice when it should me a sacrament (especially since day one).
 
Lots of info here.

You have been married less than a year, had marital relations once which resulted in pregnancy and your husband refuses to have relations now. Do I have it?

It is time for marriage counseling.

“Annulment” is the wrong term.

If you decide to divorce your husband, you may then ask the Diocese Tribunal to review your attempt at marriage to see if it was valid.

You are a long way from that right now.

Begin with counseling.


www.foryourmarriage.org

Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

Problems are part of every marriage. The U.S. Catholic Bishops have identified a variety of resources to help couples with marital difficulties--everything from skills-building programs and support groups to professional counseling. More →
www.foryourmarriage.org www.foryourmarriage.org
 
Thank you, my husband and I have slept more than just once together albeit infrequent. I have done counseling and my husband does talk to a therapist once a month now which I’m very thankful for; however, he only talks to the therapist about his relationship with his family. He thinks we are fine the way we are or says that he will fix it but nothing has changed except I no longer try to initiate anything intimately anymore.
 
Jen1 said:
I no longer try to initiate anything intimately anymore.
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Maybe this is why he thinks things are fine. If you no longer ask for intimacy, he may think he does not need to try to fix things on his part. Maybe he thinks you no longer care about it?
 
Are the two of you seeing a marriage counselor together?
 
We do not see a counselor together. he doesn’t think it’s necessary and he’s seeing a counselor on his own which I’m very appreciative of that he even goes.
 
He knows that I care for intimacy because I bring things up but I don’t ask for it anymore. I don’t see the point of initiating if i just get rejected ALWAYS and it just makes me more hurt and doesn’t do anything ayways. He thinks things are fine as long as I don’t complain and when I do complain he says if I didn’t then things would happen. It’s a no win situation.
 
Would it be possible for you to see a counselor together, as well as him going by himself? Also, would you be able to get him to go to a doctor and check there’s nothing on his end that’s creating a lack of desire?
 
He will absolutely not see a doctor. There is a possibility to see a counselor together and I think he might but I doubt that it will work as we are already sleeping in separate rooms every 2/3 nights and I will be sleeping in a separate room completely once the baby is here. Not to mention that he said he will not sleep with me for the next 5 months starting now since I’m pregnant. If we were to see a counselor together the next opportunity would be in over a month from now given his work schedule.
 
Both the link I posted earlier and this one are for Catholic councilors who do tele-counseling. You do not both have to be in the same room or the same country to do telecounseling.

It would not be a bad idea for you to speak to a counselor on your own as well.

www.patheos.com

Catholic Tele-Counseling Services - Faith on the Couch

http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm
www.patheos.com www.patheos.com
 
Thank you for the info. He will only talk to the therapist he has (once a month or once every 2 months…he’s talked to this Dr for maybe a total of 4 times). He will not talk to someone new. His therapist is Catholic as well.
I have seen a counselor on my own already and have been better about the situation; however, I can not fix his lack of desire for me.

Personally, I don’t think it will help any man to desire his wife if they are discussing a lack of desire. He knows I’m hurt by it and he cares for me but talking about how he doesn’t want to sleep with me is not going to make him want to sleep with me.
 
I have also looked up and read articles on how other women have this problem with their husbands (however, most don’t have it from the beginning of their marriage) and I have not seen any that have gotten better but instead worse and worse. I haven’t seen one exception.
 
No, it seems that your marriage is valid.
Unless there is others problems that are not described here such as homosexual tendencies, lack of free consent…

Your marriage is consummed. Your husband does not deprived of sex.
What you are facing seems a mismatched toward physical intimacy.
Differents people have differents needs, differents personalities, different education, eventually trauma on sex matters.

It is very possible that your husband have a very bad vision of sex, or have bad experiences.

You say that in thoses articles you read, when a couple is in this situation, sex became more and more infrequent. That’s what I have read too. Some people accept sex relations in order to have a family, but when it is achieved, they loose all interest. But they do not do to hurt, but because it is a suffring for them.

Some people, including religious one, are very introvert and modest on sex topics and don’t wishe to be seen naked, have difficulties to have sexual relations or do not wishe to have relations during a pregnancy.
They can try to work on this, but there is no guarantee at all of a changing.
I hope you the best, and that you find with your husband a common ground, eventually with conjugal therapy. I know it is hard.
 
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Thank you for the advice and the information. Prayers would be helpful and appreciated. Thanks again!
 
Jen1 said:
Personally, I don’t think it will help any man to desire his wife if they are discussing a lack of desire. He knows I’m hurt by it and he cares for me but talking about how he doesn’t want to sleep with me is not going to make him want to sleep with me.
Click to expand...
That’s possible. But it can make him feel better toward this issue. And if he is more secure about his lack of desire, he can have a better self esteem, and perhaps not let this issue invade all his conjugal life, and make the relationship with his wife worst.
 
Another thing to consider for validity (no need to answer here):
Do you think your husband have never have the desire to have relations with you? Even before marriage? And that he do that sometimes, but he really forced him? No sexual desire for you?

Have you talk about that possibility with him?
 
I’m sorry. This is unacceptable and unbiblical. I don’t know how to advise you, but you could at least talk about how this is contrary to marriage.
 
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It must be heartbreaking to have to deal with this when you should be exploring this aspect of your relationship together, with equal enthusiasm.

I would agree that you need marriage counselling and I imagine there is probably some underlying issue (perhaps psychological) that means that your husband has an aversion to having sex.

I don’t think you should be thinking of annulment just yet. I mean, if your husband loves you and he’s willing to accept that he has an issue and find help/work through that, then you should try that.

The only other thing I can think of is that perhaps your husband has some weird idea about Catholic teaching in this area and he is trying to follow this through. In that case he needs to speak to a priest to set him straight and he also needs to realise that there is a duty on him as a Catholic husband to not only “have sex” with his wife, but to actively cultivate and work to improve the intimacy between you, in every way. That duty is obviously also on the woman but it sounds like you are already doing your best to do this.

But yeah, counselling with an experienced priest or Catholic marriage counselor is something that needs to happen.

Praying for you guys and the baby.
 
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