Annulment newlywed

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Jen1 said:
He thinks we are fine the way we are or says that he will fix it but nothing has changed except I no longer try to initiate anything intimately anymore.
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Oh, didn’t see this. Well before you make any real progress you need to make him see that this is a problem for you and your marriage and he has a responsibility to work on it.

He needs to start discussing this with his therapist too.

Pray for him and your marriage as well.
 
Something is VERY wrong here. I would insist on counseling together with a therapist and a priest.

A husband who won’t let you undress in front of him? Who doesn’t want sex? Who won’t have sex because you are pregnant? Who thinks this is all “fine”?

Um no. He has something REALLY wrong with him.
 
Jen1 said:
he doesn’t want to sleep with me is not going to make him want to sleep with me.
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Just to be clear, is the problem that he does not want to have sex with you or that he does not want to sleep in the same bed?
 
That was my question as well. A lot of married couples do not share a bed so I was confused if that is the issue since she stated that they have had intamacy.
 
That was what I was wondering. When I first read the OP, I interpreted it that she was upset because her husband wouldn’t sleep in the bed with her. Obviously, they’ve had some sex, because she’s pregnant. OP, does your husband give a reason for not wanting to have sex?
 
“Jen1 said:
Thank you for the info. He will only talk to the therapist he has (once a month or once every 2 months…he’s talked to this Dr for maybe a total of 4 times). He will not talk to someone new. His therapist is Catholic as well.
I have seen a counselor on my own already and have been better about the situation; however, I can not fix his lack of desire for me.

Personally, I don’t think it will help any man to desire his wife if they are discussing a lack of desire. He knows I’m hurt by it and he cares for me but talking about how he doesn’t want to sleep with me is not going to make him want to sleep with me.
Communication is vital in marriage. It may not make him desire you that second, but you need to uncover the root cause and he deserves to know you are considering annulment over it if he refuses help.
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Thank you for the info. I believe that the root cause is from his upbringing and how his mom had constantly told him negative aspects about sex and put it in a negative aspect. He has slept with a few women before we met so I don’t think he has any same sex attraction; however, I don’t understand why he’s so opposed to sleep with me and any physical intimacy. Either way, he knows all of this but would prefer to work on his relationship with his mom.

If there are any positive changes I will update, in the mean time, please pray for my situation and for others who are going through this. It is painful, hurtful, sad, and embarrassing.
 
Jen1 said:
I believe that the root cause is from his upbringing and how his mom had constantly told him negative aspects about sex and put it in a negative aspect.
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That could be the issue.
Jen1 said:
Either way, he knows all of this but would prefer to work on his relationship with his mom.
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Is he overly attached to his mom at all? Maybe there’s issues there. It sounds like he needs a serious wake up call about this. You could tell him you are thinking of separating if he doesn’t agree to get help. It might be the only way to give him that push. And it would be the truth.

I understand that maybe he has an issue regarding sex, but as a man, what really infuriates me about your situation is how blind he seems to be to the hurt is is inflicting on you and deaf to the pleas you are making to resolve this. I mean if a wife literally spells out the issue and tells her husband that it it making her miserable then I don’t know how he can just say “everything is fine”.
Jen1 said:
It is painful, hurtful, sad, and embarrassing.
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I can only imagine. You’ll be in my prayers.
 
Thank you so much for the post. I don’t understand as well and it’s frustrating because I can’t do anything on my end to fix it. He used to be extremely attached to his mom but she never wanted him to get married and has basically cut all ties because he married me. Before any questions, she has no excuses whatsoever for us not wanting to get married. I am a good practicing Catholic and she refused to meet me when we were dating and I have even reached out to her several times and she has never responded. She said some horrible/degrading things when she found out I was pregnant and since then I have quit trying to reach out to her since I have more than my dignity to protect at this point with a baby on the way.
 
You’re welcome.

It sounds like there could be some serious issues lurking beneath the surface. Probably to do with his mom.

I mean that’s not a normal way to behave. I know a guy who lives with his mom. He’s an adult and she’s a lone parent. He is normal enough, but the relationship between them is a little odd and borderline abusive. She never gave him any information about his father and has developed a very insular and isolated lifestyle and adopted a sort of extreme and distorted version of the faith which basically sees sin everywhere. The son is not as bad but he’s definitely picked up some of these beliefs.

Him going to therapy alone to talk about mom is not going to mend your relationship. You need to do it together and he needs to be 110% on board. Maybe if he knows that you are so upset by this that you are seeking annulment he will start to really listen.

Do you have family nearby to offer you support?
 
Thank you for the post. I can’t tell my family since it’s such an embarrassing topic and I don’t want them to look at him differently or to encourage me to leave/try for an annulment. My hope is that things get better and I don’t want my family to know this about him.
What you said about that other guy sounds like how my husband was with his. She would criticize everything/everyone and say how everything is a sin (except for what she did) and my husband was a little like this when we started dating but has gotten a much better and a healthier viewpoint. I think subconsciously he blames me for his current relationship with his mom (they aren’t talking when they used to talk 1-2x a day). I also think that he may subconsciously somehow think that him sleeping with me is betraying his mom in a weird way and it doesn’t help that we live in a house that she picked out and designed/decorated. I’ve asked him if I could decorate or if we could move but he refuses.

I will talk to him and insist that we talk to his therapist together next time he goes.
 
I am so sorry you are dealing with this and pray that your dear husband sees how he is hurting your marriage. I pray the Holy Spirit guides him and your words as you address the fact he needs professional insight.

From the last few posts though, I hope you realize that it is his problem and not for you to take personally, and it has nothing to do with you or make you feel less than.

May God Bless you and your husband.✝️
 
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Jen1 said:
I can’t tell my family since it’s such an embarrassing topic and I don’t want them to look at him differently or to encourage me to leave/try for an annulment. My hope is that things get better and I don’t want my family to know this about him.
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I understand. But you don’t have to tell them anything. You could try to come up with a pretext. Let him know that you aren’t going to discuss this with them but you “can’t be around someone who is hurting me like this”.

Or if you have a trusted friend that you could stay with.
My guess is it wouldn’t be for long anyway. If he loves you the shock of you following through on this might be enough to convince him to take this seriously.

It definitely does sound like the mother has an inappropriate amount of influence over her son. He needs to realise this, and work to reduce that.

If needs be, it’s his job to be a “buffer” between you with a view to protecting you from his mother’s abusive tendencies. Or managing them.

Unfortunately the guy I know will probably never move away from home, however the fact that your husband was independent and confident enough to pursue a relationship and actually marry you gives me hope that he will ultimately see sense and realise that he needs help and you are the one that really matters and pleasing you, his wife (sexually and otherwise), should be his primary concern.
 
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Thank you,
I think my mom may suspect something as she said that I could always move home for a month; I am worried that if I left my husband of the following:
  1. that he will stop completely talking to a therapist
  2. that he won’t care and it will lead to us living separately (his parents are married but live separately so I don’t think he would even think this abnormal)
  3. My family will see me as a failure
  4. I can not get remarried
  5. I will be raising a child on my own.
  6. If I came back to my husband and he never fixed anything I will always have the knowledge for the rest of my life that I left him and he didn’t care about me or the baby enough to work on this issue.
 
That is true. Those are all valid reasons to be afraid of this course of action. But it does sound like he needs to get some kind of incentive to change. You seem to have said all this to him many times and spelt it out for him.

Despite all that stuff, it also may be the case that if you are too afraid to take action you will end up even more miserable. That will not serve either your child or your marriage well. In the long term this issue will breed resentment and may be worse down the line.

At the end of the day, you know your husband better than anyone here and you have to act according to how you think he will respond.

That said, if you separated and he just seemed to not care then I would be in serious doubt as to the future of that relationship anyway.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m encouraging you to leave your husband. But I just think that if it were me, and my wife demanded that I address a problem or she was going to leave until I did, that would be a major incentive for me.
 
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Thank you for the message, I think it is good advice. I will talk with him and hopefully make a decision here within the next few weeks
 
I’ll pray for you both and your new baby. I pray that your husband will deal with these issues in order to be a better husband and to be a good father to his baby by setting the example of how much his mother is loved by him.
 
Jen1 said:
  • that he won’t care and it will lead to us living separately (his parents are married but live separately so I don’t think he would even think this abnormal)
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Did this come up during your pre-marital counseling with your priest?

Your husband has seen a sort of separated but married as his example of how marriage works and he is now stepping into the same roles.

Really, please, you need a counselor. This is so very far from normal.
 
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