Any advice on how to be a good and supportive wife?

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TarAshly

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i was just hoping for some tips on being a good wife to my husband. i have a hard time with letting go of control of things and i know that i need to do that in order to be a good wife. how can i learn to trust my soon to be husband with my future. i love him there is no doubt in my mind about that. however i come from a long line of divorce, all of my mothers ex husbands left her high and dry, she had to mother them and i often catch myself mothering my fiancee, and i dont trust men period with most things. i trust my fiance, however at times i dont want to let go of control over things like finances and whatnot. hes a wonderful man and i love him very much, but i just dont know how to turn off the distrust i was raised with towards men, and turn on the loving supportive wife. any advice?
 
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TarAshly:
i was just hoping for some tips on being a good wife to my husband. i have a hard time with letting go of control of things and i know that i need to do that in order to be a good wife. how can i learn to trust my soon to be husband with my future. i love him there is no doubt in my mind about that. however i come from a long line of divorce, all of my mothers ex husbands left her high and dry, she had to mother them and i often catch myself mothering my fiancee, and i dont trust men period with most things. i trust my fiance, however at times i dont want to let go of control over things like finances and whatnot. hes a wonderful man and i love him very much, but i just dont know how to turn off the distrust i was raised with towards men, and turn on the loving supportive wife. any advice?
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I don’t mean to be flip, but my advice is pre-marital counseling. It sounds like you have some troubling issues.
 
catholictherapists.com

i think i’ve reccommended counseling a few times for you, too, based on other threads you’ve started. it seems like you have a lot of anxiety and panic over the wedding and your relationship. just address it, take a deep breath and know that you can handle it–pray, pray, pray. please go to this website and determine which therapists, if any, are near your area. it can’t hurt to talk about these issues.
 
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TarAshly:
i was just hoping for some tips on being a good wife to my husband. i have a hard time with letting go of control of things and i know that i need to do that in order to be a good wife. how can i learn to trust my soon to be husband with my future. i love him there is no doubt in my mind about that. however i come from a long line of divorce, all of my mothers ex husbands left her high and dry, she had to mother them and i often catch myself mothering my fiancee, and i dont trust men period with most things. i trust my fiance, however at times i dont want to let go of control over things like finances and whatnot. hes a wonderful man and i love him very much, but i just dont know how to turn off the distrust i was raised with towards men, and turn on the loving supportive wife. any advice?
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Do you ever make mistakes? Are you able to live with the fact that you make mistakes, forgive yourself, even laugh about it, and go on without beating yourself up? Because if you can’t even love yourself unconditionally and give yourself some slack for being only human, your goal is, to some degree, hopeless.

If you want to find a man you can trust who will never make mistakes, never let you down, never fail to meet your expectations, just don’t even marry. No one deserves to live like that.

Once you have come down to earth and matured in your view of what a human being is and is not capable of, then you still must marry someone you respect and admire, not just someone you love. This is a person whose mistakes you are going to be willing to weather, and if possible, without an “I told you so.” If you give in on a difference of opinion over how to do things, you have to go out and get on board, anyway. If you turn out to be right, you want to be able to say, “Hey, we decided, we live with the outcome. There will be no ‘I told you so’.” And you have to feel that you’ll at least usually get the same from him. I think that’s the ideal, meaning you can expect you will both fall short of that from time to time. Nevertheless, you want be each other’s support system, not just one more person whose judgement you need to fear.

The other thing I think everyone deserves from their spouse is the expectation that they are a competent adult, capable of making some of their own decisions and capable of living with the consequences. Becoming one body is not total mutual immersion. An adult can pick out their own clothes in the morning. Support, yes… mothering, usually not. (Chicken soup when they’re sick and a ridiculous level of support and comfort when they’ve really screwed up but admit it are exceptions!)
 
Princess_Abby said:
catholictherapists.com

i think i’ve reccommended counseling a few times for you, too, based on other threads you’ve started. it seems like you have a lot of anxiety and panic over the wedding and your relationship. just address it, take a deep breath and know that you can handle it–pray, pray, pray. please go to this website and determine which therapists, if any, are near your area. it can’t hurt to talk about these issues.
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im not going to counseling! i dont believe in it. the only way i would go would be if HE wanted to go and brought it up. we dont need it anyway, these are things we can work on.dont blow it all out of proportion. we dont have major problems, he doesnt drink or do drugs nor do i, we’ve always been faithful to each other, we dont abuse verbally or physically, what we have are small issues that im sure with some reflection that most people would admit that they had when they were newlyweds. its hard to merge your life and yourself with someone else, it takes time and process. thats what pre marriage prep is for, i would be more concerned if someone wasnt a little worried before they got married.
 
Counseling isn’t only for people with severe problems. My husband and I have been married for five years and we have almost the exact same temperment that you and your fiancee have. We go to marriage counseling once a year, just as a sort of check-up. For us, it’s like having an annual physical or going to the Dentist. We want to iron-out any potential problems, take care of things that aren’t issues now but that might become problems in the future.

And you don’t necessarily have to see a licensed “counselor” or “therapist”. Just go talk to your priest or a deacon in your parish once or twice.

I find it a little disheartening for you to ask for advice on how to be a good wife, and when several people tell you that premarital counseling is a great tool, you automatically say you’re not doing that. I think if you want to be a good wife you need to heed to some of the advice given you by people who have been where you are now. Learn from other’s mistakes.

My other piece of advice is this: If you want to be a good wife, put your husband and his needs above your own. I’m not talking about being a door-mat. But consciously think about what is going to make him happy and bring him joy. Before you speak, ask yourself if what you’re about to say is going to lift him up or bring him down. If you love him, you’ll want to think about whether something you do is going to hurt him or not-and if it will, you won’t want to do it because you’ll soon realize that when you’re able to lift him up, then you’re lifted up as well. It will bring you joy and happiness to know that you’ve brought him joy and happiness.

Scout :tiphat:
 
My advice is to set goals and work towards them. Actually sit down and make a list of things you’d like to do (or not do). You can show it to your fiancee or not, it doesn’t matter, the idea is that you have identified an area of potential serious conflict in your marriage and you can take steps now to eliminate it.

I understand what you are saying about the counseling and that you two get along great but I am here to tell you that whatever SMALL thing bothers you about your spouse now, during the courtship and engagement, will magnify itself 10,000 times to become almost unbearable. That trait will spill over into all areas of your life. Finding a way to cope with it now is a great thing to undertake.

For instance, if you are controlling about money, perhaps one of your goals can be to sit down once every two weeks and go over the finances together. Make one of your goals to listen to his wishes on what to do with your money and follow through on that, even if it does not sit well with you. In short, train yourself to give up some of the control.

The control might be intoxicating at this point in the relationship but I can assure you that a man who has been stripped of having a “say” is not really that attractive in the long run. For your part, you will grow resentful of having to be the one in charge.

At any rate, my biggest piece of advice is to make goals! Make a plan and you have a much greater chance of achieving what you want.
I would also advise that you start small. That is, telling your fiancee that from now on he is responsible for your electric bill will only ensure that in a month, you will be without power. He will have to slowly adjust to the shift in relational dynamics just as you will.

For example, next time you are deciding where to eat and he keeps saying “I don’t care” just gently nudge him into making the decision. You are a smart girl and will figure out a way to kindly do this. Once he feels confident in his decision making skills and confident in your happiness with the result, I’ll bet you will start to see a shift in the mom-kid thing.

Good luck and God bless your marriage…
 
Thanks so much Carrieloon! that sounds like great advice! i guess its all about baby steps.
 
Have you talked this over with your husband? I would guess he’d be the person who could answer your question.
 
i have and he just says that i dont mother him, and that i am loving and supportive. these are faults i see in myself. he wont even tell me if my hair looks bad, let alone if im a bad wife or not. hes very kind, and thats just a part of it. he wont tell anyone anything mean wether its the truth or not.
 
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TarAshly:
he wont even tell me if my hair looks bad, let alone if im a bad wife or not.
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But you are not his wife.

I really think you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and think this out. I don’t know you, but I get the impression that you would be wise to reconsider whether you are ready to be married to this man. It doesn’t help anything that you are living with him, even if it is just for financial reasons.
 
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Benedictus:
But you are not his wife.

I really think you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and think this out. I don’t know you, but I get the impression that you would be wise to reconsider whether you are ready to be married to this man. It doesn’t help anything that you are living with him, even if it is just for financial reasons.
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why is it with so many of you that a small problem means that this is the end and hes not the right one? i AM ready to be married and i WILL marry him one month from tomorrow. and in my own personal belief, our living together will not affect our marriage. so if youre gonna harp on me for that and not offer and advice on the question i posed then i would deeply appreciate it if you would keep the unnecesary rude and mean remarks out of it. youre right you dont know me. i asked for advice hoping to get good sound advice from wives who can help with this sort of situation. and even husbands who can too.
 
Just want to add my 2 cents about the wonders of therapy. It’s not just for crazy people anymore! The stereotype makes it seem like you have to be in grave danger, or a step away from insanity to be going to counceling, but that’s just not true.
Good councelors won’t even give you advice. They’ll lead you to make your own solutions, which is the surest way to really affect change in your life.
I ‘had to’ go as a class assignment in grad school and dreaded it the first time…but it really helped me to grow in things that I probably would have figured out by myself -eventually- but counceling put me on a ‘fast track’ with working through those issues.

claretcenter.org/index.html

Here’s a faith based counceling group in my area. Maybe there’s something similar that your diocesean office can tell you about if you get to feeling more comfortable with the idea.
 
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TarAshly:
why is it with so many of you that a small problem means that this is the end and hes not the right one? i AM ready to be married and i WILL marry him one month from tomorrow. and in my own personal belief, our living together will not affect our marriage. so if youre gonna harp on me for that and not offer and advice on the question i posed then i would deeply appreciate it if you would keep the unnecesary rude and mean remarks out of it. youre right you dont know me. i asked for advice hoping to get good sound advice from wives who can help with this sort of situation. and even husbands who can too.
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Did you ever think that maybe you are just getting pre marital jitters? For goodness sake, my husband and I got into a fight the night before our wedding and a huge during our wedding! My fault of course, I wanted to control him. Letting go takes time. Baby steps…talk about these issues…be happy cuz the two of you are going to become one! :love:
 
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TarAshly:
why is it with so many of you that a small problem means that this is the end and hes not the right one? i AM ready to be married and i WILL marry him one month from tomorrow. and in my own personal belief, our living together will not affect our marriage. so if youre gonna harp on me for that and not offer and advice on the question i posed then i would deeply appreciate it if you would keep the unnecesary rude and mean remarks out of it. youre right you dont know me. i asked for advice hoping to get good sound advice from wives who can help with this sort of situation. and even husbands who can too.
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Okay you know how the church feels about cohabitation…lets move on from there…did you ever think that maybe you are getting pre-marital jitters? I got into a fight with my hubby the night before our wedding and got into a huge one during! It was my fault though. I like to be in control…baby steps…talk over who is going to do what in the household once you are married. Marriage takes work, it doesnt just perfectly happen! Be happy because soon the two of you will be one! :eek: no i am just kidding…:love:
 
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Benedictus:
But you are not his wife.

I really think you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and think this out. I don’t know you, but I get the impression that you would be wise to reconsider whether you are ready to be married to this man. It doesn’t help anything that you are living with him, even if it is just for financial reasons.
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I find nothing rude or mean in these remarks. You asked a very open-ended question, and you received a response that took into account your current living situation. The next time you ask for advice you will need to specify that people responding to your request may NOT bring up the fact that you are living together with your boyfriend, outside of marriage, as the potential source of your problem.

I stated earlier: If you want to be a good wife, put God first. Your current situation pushes God out of the picture. If you want to have a successful marriage, then I suggest you might want to reallign and reassess your priorities. I’m not saying you are doomed to failure given your current situation, but your situation certainly won’t help matters. Trust me on that one.

If someone had given me this advice when I was 20 years old, I would have been eternally grateful as I would have avoided an unsuccessful and miserable marriage that could have wrecked my life. We’re only trying to help you.
 
Barrister,
i understand that youre trying to help me however i cannot for the life of me understand why people get so hung up on the fact that we’re living together. and to clarify, hes not my boyfriend hes my fiance. us living together has nothing to do with it. these problems would have risen up after we got married when we were living together then. i have always had a severe distrust with men, and now it is affecting my relationship, i dont want it to affect my marriage which is why im asking for advice. and God IS first in our relationship, we attend mass and pray and pray the rosary together. He is a constant presence in our lives.
 
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