Any advice on how to be a good and supportive wife?

  • Thread starter Thread starter TarAshly
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
40.png
George2:
Rayne, you missed the point. She is a Christian first, a wife, an American, a daughter etc. second.

She is first and foremost a follower of Jesus Christ. Your good advice about marriage notwithstanding, any Christian here is obligated - yes obligated - to remind her that she is sinning, and committing the sin of scandal.

She should not, while she is living in sin, downplay it’s seriousness on a public forum and you should not defend her doing so.

.
Click to expand...
I am not defending living together. This is not a perfect world and not all marriages start off perfectly. She obviously has already made her decision
She is getting married in the church so it’s the priest’s job to attend to any scandol issues he obviously has more information about this couple then we do.
She never asked if she should marry this guy, she asked for advise on how to be a good and supportive wife. I answered the question that she asked.
 
Rayne89

Don’t you see?

If TarAshley is in the Church, and prays, then it would make sense to conclude that she wants and values having a relationship with God.
Me and many of the other people who have posted on this thread believe with all our hearts minds and souls that in order to be the Best Spouse that we can be-- we must have the Best relationship with God that we are capable of having.
(so we are answering her question)

If she continues to live in sin-- Knowing that it is against Church teaching (which she stated she does know) than she is commiting a Grave sin and seriously harming her relationship with God.

Peace.
 
shannon e:
Rayne89

Don’t you see?

If TarAshley is in the Church, and prays, then it would make sense to conclude that she wants and values having a relationship with God.
Me and many of the other people who have posted on this thread believe with all our hearts minds and souls that in order to be the Best Spouse that we can be-- we must have the Best relationship with God that we are capable of having.
(so we are answering her question)

If she continues to live in sin-- Knowing that it is against Church teaching (which she stated she does know) than she is commiting a Grave sin and seriously harming her relationship with God.

Peace.
Click to expand...
Ideally -ofcourse. I agree with you. I listen to her and I hear a women who has already made up her mind. Do you think a bunch of stangers on the internet are going to convince her to not marry the man she loves when the church she is marrying in has ok’d her to go ahead.

Neither my husband and I were virgins on our wedding night (although he was my only one), we didn’t marry in the church, we two crazy teenagers madly in love who wouldn’t listen to anyone. Our home lives that we were escaping from were both pretty messed up. I learned some very hard lessons the hard way. Even though I wasn’t following my faith I never stopped praying to God. I had to fall flat on my face before I finally realized I am nothing without God. And I made it back home to the church and my husband converted.

It was not easy. I went through alot of painful stuff. Do I wish we were both virgins and were married in the church from the beginning-absolutely. Would I have not married him then knowing what I know now, ofcourse not. We did the best we could under the cicumstances in our lives at the time.We went through one heck of a roller coaster ride in our marriage but we are so blessed to have such a great relationship. We had to work like heck, and pray like heck to get here.

God knows where Tar is at in her life and if she continues to turn to him she will not lose her way. I made a holy hour today for Tar while my daughter was at ccd. I hope her road will be much easier than mine.
 
This is from Tar on a previous thread

Quote: we’re being married by a Deacon and yes he is aware of it and also aware of the situation that caused this to happen, we live as roomates though, hes been sleeping on the couch since we started pre marital counseling
 
Note that it is a pastoral decision whether to marry a cohabiting couple.

No priest or Deacon has to marry them and many certainly won’t.

The Church changed its rules regarding this, not because it now supports cohabitation, but because it is more practical to not lose Catholics who might leave the church for communions that have more moral laxity - or who might leave the church altogether.

In this case the Deacon probably decided that it was better for them to get the church’s blessing than to deny them the sacrament.

It is his pastoral decision.

But many here have said what I told her: if you want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, employee, citizen, etc. you have to follow the precepts of the Lord.

Do it right or don’t bother at all Tar. You have showed us how much you ignore Christ’s teaching and the Church’s advice.

Why don’t you show your spouse some self-discipline and ask him to move out as soon as that is practicable and continue the relationship - from the neck up and from different addresses.

If you don’t meet this relatively easy challenge, how do you think you are going to meet marriages many difficult challenges?
 
Rayne,

Needless to say I didn’t know that TarAshley had said that in another thread. I would ask if they are still living chastely, because I find it strange that she wouldn’t mention it in this thread. She had plenty of opportunity.

I have no doubt of your good intentions. I have them, too. I can only wish that I knew back then what I know now-- about commitment, about love requiring sacrificial actions and strength of will (not feelings, like the culture stresses); but mostly about God. It seems you can relate to that.

So why exactly are you and I disagreeing?

If she has made up her mind to marry him no matter what (an attitude that is youthfully stubborn and prideful-- but maybe not necessarily an insurmmountable negative. but a tricky attitude to live with. it can really come back and bite ya. Why not start giving it to God now-- before the wedding?) anyhoo, if she has made up her mind-- that’s fine.

But I pray that she be more right with God and Church first. What’s the huge hurry? If you want her road to be easier, than encourage her right relationship with God as the priority here. God’s will – not her own.

Peace.
 
shannon e:
Rayne,

I can only wish that I knew back then what I know now-- about commitment, about love requiring sacrificial actions and strength of will (not feelings, like the culture stresses); but mostly about God.

.
Click to expand...
Amen to that! 👍
 
TA,
I didn’t read through the whole thread, so excuse me if I repeat what others have said. I have three tidbits of advice that were given to my wife and I nearly twenty years ago.

First off, kiss each other when you greet, when you depart and at the end of the day. Treat each moment like it could be the last time you’ll see one another.

Second, take the time daily to talk. My wife and I make sure the TV is off every night, so we can talk through the issues of the day. This is especially important once you have children. They are wonderful gifts, but they bring with them many challenges.

Third, and most important, pray together. It doesn’t have to be much…something like keep us safe until we get home from work, bless us in this decision, help guide us, etc…Amen. For some reason, I think God likes prayers that are 10 to 30 seconds. It never ceases to amaze me, other than mealtime prayers and Mass, how few couples learn this simple skill. I’m sure it’s difficult to quantify, but I’ve heard that the divorce rate drops to something like 1 in 1100 for couples that pray together.
God Bless your marriage!
 
TarAshly said:
1) After reading the link i have sent you with published studies cited, and the advice of other forum dwellers, do u deny that living together before marriage increases your chances of getting divorced and is also against Catholic Church teaching?

yes i deny that it has an increasive affect. no i dont deny that it goes against church teachings.

yes i want this to last forever.

and no, i dont have anyone to live with. my mothers got her hands full as it is, and my friends live with their parents or in dorms.

i want to know WHY the divorce rate is higher? someone give me a reason why, not that its against church teachings, but a real answer as to why.
Click to expand...

Tar,

I’ve been on several threads you’ve been on and I think I’ve always been kind to you. You can sift through the threads to check.

I must say that I see a commonality in all of the threads. You ask for advice, people give it and you, rather than taking them all into account, cling to the ones that make you feel good about your situation and pretty much ignore the rest.

I’ve already posted one reason that marriages fail after co-habitation and you’ve ignored it. I’m in no way trying to be mean. You are chosing to ignore the facts and act like any advice given that you don’t like is an attack.

Where there’s a will there is a way. You could get out from cohabitating if you truly wanted to. Take a room in a house and ask his dad for the money. Have your fiance move home. If his dad’s that controlling he’d probably love it. I think your mom and sister could probably find a way to put up with you for 4 weeks. Have you even bothered asking? We do marriage prep and we always offer the cohabitating couples a room in our house. Why don’t you ask your deacon, priest, etc. if he can find you a place. You’d be amazed at how many people might be willing to help.

For goodness sake, stop relating to us that you are having problems with this that or the other and then turning around and saying we’re all blowing things out of proportion and we’re mean for giving you advice. How many people does it take saying that marriage won’t make it all better until you believe it? Mark the responses of the experienced. If you are fighting about things like this now, it will almost certainly get worse! :banghead:
 
40.png
rayne89:
This is from Tar on a previous thread

Quote: we’re being married by a Deacon and yes he is aware of it and also aware of the situation that caused this to happen, we live as roomates though, hes been sleeping on the couch since we started pre marital counseling
Click to expand...
Wait a minute. Now I’m confused. In this thread she said no way to counseling:
40.png
TarAshly:
im not going to counseling! i dont believe in it.
Click to expand...
What’s the deal?

In Christ,
Nancy
 
She mentioned in the other thread that where they are Pre Cana classes are called pre-marital counseling. So, it isn’t counseling per se. Definately not at the level that it appears from her posts that she, and they, could really use. Depending on her program, though, it’s better than nothing (mine, for instance, was pretty bad, and it was a good thing we had a firm foundation on the Churches teaching on marriage beforehand).
 
This might draw some fire, but I’m going to give some tips from a man’s perspective. These are all things I’ve discussed with my fiance. Just to be fair, i’ll start a thread asking women for tips on how to be a good husband, which will be useful since I’m getting married in 2 days. (Here’s the thread i just started on husbanding tips forum.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=296650#post296650 )

To keep your man happy, be supportive, and not drive him crazy, here are some tips I would suggest (men would be wise to follow them too):
  1. Never nag. Ever. Nothing destroys love or intimacy faster.
  2. Don’t insult or emasculate your husband. Think about how you might do this indirectly. For example, instructing him on how to load the dishwasher or vacuum the carpet is insulting–you might as well be saying “You’re so dumb you can’t even do something that simple without my help?” Besides, most women find male confidence attractive, so tearing it down will usually leave a woman dissatisfied with the results.
  3. Honey, honey, and more honey. Never vinegar. Sweet women tend to get what they want, with a man that is glad to do it.
  4. Don’t use sex or withhold sex to punish or control. It should be intimacy and bonding, not a power play.
  5. Men need respect the way women need love and affection. Some women operate under the misconception that treating their men disrespectfully is cute, but mocking him in public creates a no win situation–he can insult you back which is no fun for you, or he can remain silent and look like an idiot but be resentful.
  6. Limit yourself to five complaints and demands a day. If you’re not counting, you’re probably over the limit.
  7. Your feelings and objectively verifiable facts may be different–Learn to distinguish between them.
  8. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it needs to be said.
  9. Don’t see his time to himself as a violation of his time with you. Men need their downtime, and need “guy time.” If you respect this need, you’ll have a happier man who loves being with you all the more.
  10. Pray for him, pray with him, and pray for God to grant you the wisdom and strength to be a good wife.
In short, men and women alike should treat the person they love as though they love them.

Just my humble opinions. He may be different. And I’m not saying you do any of the things I mentioned (I don’t know you), but they are things to think about.

Blessings to all.

P.S. God, I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you have chosen Catrina as my life parter.
 
If she is asking for advice she doesnt want to be told that living together is wrong…She already knows that and we pointed that out to her…can we move on and help her??She is getting married next month! Seriously though therapy for the both of you may help if you encounter problems down the road! It really does help believe me!
 
Since everyone else has pointed out the obvious to you…Here’s my advice (or :twocents:)
  1. Keep a good sense of humor about yourself
  2. Don’t sweat the small stuff - and what seems like big stuff today will be small stuff tomorrow.
  3. Always forgive and if you can’t forget, learn from it.
Married 15 years and love him more every day for attributes that I didn’t even know about 15 years ago. 🙂
 
40.png
catsrus:
Since everyone else has pointed out the obvious to you
Click to expand...
Good post, catsrus. 🙂

Funny thing about pointing out the obvious is sometimes it is the obvious that trips people up. 🙂

I bet you’re a great wife. Blessings,
 
Thanks Jay74. My husband seems to think so. I intend that he keeps on thinkin it!
 
40.png
Jay74:
To keep your man happy, be supportive, and not drive him crazy, here are some tips I would suggest (men would be wise to follow them too):
  1. Never nag. Ever. Nothing destroys love or intimacy faster.
  2. Don’t insult or emasculate your husband. Think about how you might do this indirectly. For example, instructing him on how to load the dishwasher or vacuum the carpet is insulting–you might as well be saying “You’re so dumb you can’t even do something that simple without my help?” Besides, most women find male confidence attractive, so tearing it down will usually leave a woman dissatisfied with the results.
  3. Honey, honey, and more honey. Never vinegar. Sweet women tend to get what they want, with a man that is glad to do it.
  4. Don’t use sex or withhold sex to punish or control. It should be intimacy and bonding, not a power play.
  5. Men need respect the way women need love and affection. Some women operate under the misconception that treating their men disrespectfully is cute, but mocking him in public creates a no win situation–he can insult you back which is no fun for you, or he can remain silent and look like an idiot but be resentful.
  6. Limit yourself to five complaints and demands a day. If you’re not counting, you’re probably over the limit.
  7. Your feelings and objectively verifiable facts may be different–Learn to distinguish between them.
  8. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it needs to be said.
  9. Don’t see his time to himself as a violation of his time with you. Men need their downtime, and need “guy time.” If you respect this need, you’ll have a happier man who loves being with you all the more.
  10. Pray for him, pray with him, and pray for God to grant you the wisdom and strength to be a good wife.
.
Click to expand...
Excellant advice!👍
 
No we should not ignore the fact that she is cohabiting.

We should not say “well she knows that” and then give her lots of mundane advice about “not going to bed angry” and “discuss things”.

You are missing the point. She is a Catholic. Her first duty is to Christ Jesus.

If we skip over the obvious and the most imporant advice to her, then we are legitimating her little fishing trip to her.

There is an 800 pound gorilla in the middle of this dialogue. It is her continued cohabitation.

No, the fact that the wedding is a month or one hour away makes no difference.

She should obey the teachings of this Church if she wants practice being a good wife, a good mother and a good person.

That is the honest truth, the straight goods.

She needs a good talking to and a good scolding, not the approval she gets from some of you. She is embarassing the Church with her posts here. She should have some respect for the Church and remove them or ask the moderator to lest others get the impression her sin and her open disobedience to the Church is no big deal.

Sorry to be so frank but too many of you are using pop-psychology and Oprahese with her when all she needs to be reminded of are her obligations.
 
40.png
George2:
Sorry to be so frank but too many of you are using pop-psychology and Oprahese with her when all she needs to be reminded of are her obligations.
Click to expand...
George, she has been advised abundantly on the facts about church teaching. It has been pointed out clearly and sometimes very forcefully what the church teaches. It has not been skipped.

The fact that you said “she does not represent my church” is quite a disturbing remark. As it is often said “the church is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners.” Jesus said: “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but rather those who are sick. The Son of Man came to seek and save the lost.”

Your ranting and raving could easily run this young women out of the church. Your own behavior is scandolous by your nasty remarks, you certainly don’t represent my church. I wouldn’t listen to advise from someone who spoke to me with such rudeness and disrespect. Your attacking her, not offering advise.

“Right now all I see are the petulant posturings of a pouting princess”
*“You are an emotional trainwreck highly likely to get divorced yourself.” *

You say she came here asking whether to marry this guy or not when she never did that. She asked how to be a good and supporting wife.

Stop pointing out what a horrible Catholic she is. You go so far as to say she’s not a good person because she is living with this guy. "She should obey the teachings of this Church if she wants practice being a good wife, a good mother and a good person."

*“She is embarassing the Church with her posts here.” *You are embarressing the church. I’m glad you’ve been born such a saint we’ll make sure to canonize you when you die.
 
40.png
rayne89:
I made a holy hour today for Tar while my daughter was at ccd. I hope her road will be much easier than mine.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much for the prayers Rayne! i truly need them. i was out sick yesterday so im catching up. i am shocked at the insensitivity that im seeing that some call charity and a duty to God. the reason i post here is because there are people here like Rayne who are kind and charitable. and people like Barrister who i can agree to disagree with but still highly respect him because he and i may not always agree but hes not a cruel and insensitive man. thank you all for the advice. my wedding is going on as planned. and as i have stated before he does sleep on the couch and i sleep in the bed. we are trying. yesterday when i was sick he took such great care of me on his day off. he had planned to go golfing with his buddies, but instead he stayed home with me watching chick flicks (which he hates) and just tended to my every need. he held my hair when i …well you get the picture. we love each other, and God gave us that ability and that love for each other. we attend mass together, volunteer at our church together, pray together and pray the rosary together. we even read together at night. right now we’re reading the Lambs Supper. its a great book and we’re learning a lot about our faith considering the fact that we’re both very recent converts to the Church.

to say that because i have made mistakes and do things you dont agree with means that i dont represent “your” Church is appauling. last i checked it wasnt your church it was Gods and it wasnt yours to judge me it was Gods. so come down off of your high horse and check what you call charity. it can be cruel.

these boards are helpful. i guess one of the monitors works with couples for Christ. he found away to email me at my private work email and offered some help. thats why i post here.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top