Any other women with UNaffectionate husbands?

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Hi Catholic Girlfriends out there:

Just wondering, do any of you “suffer” from true lack of affection from your hubbys? Hand-holding, kissing, putting his arm around you?-- cuddling–in general, having trouble being just plain affectionate? being compassionate? I sure do. This causes me to feel very hurt–and I have trouble dealing with it from time to time. My husband tells me he loves me, on the phone especially, but in person he’s totally un-affectionate accept when he wants something–you know what I mean…how do you deal with this? any helpful hints? I have really learned not to expect anything from another human being in this life-- as they will ultimately disappoint us in the long run…and I don’t think my husband will ever be any different either as his “sick” parents were certainly not affectionate in the least. Mine were the total opposite. Everyone in my family is a hugger. This has been so hard for me to accept, as I sure didn’t know this about him 16 years ago.!!! I have thought about having an affair now a couple times–but I never would----hopefully----today in Mass, the Priest talked about “being faithful” to the end --In the Book of Matthew 12-----but it’s so hard sometimes!! I know my husband looks at other women and I hate it.

Would appreciate any thoughts or comments–anyone has --or helpful advice—

Thx Friends~~
 
Have you tried a marriage encounter? We went to Retrouvaille, which is more for marriages in trouble, and learned alot about communication. Sometimes my husband is great, sometimes not. I think it depends on what’s going on at work etc. Sometimes its even me and the way I treat him :bigyikes:
 
I’m a husband who isn’t very affectionate in public. I have to conciously think about it to do it. My family was never affectionate in public, and then I was in the Navy for 12 years where showing public affection in uniform is not normally allowed. It takes work on my part and my wife appreciates it when I do it. What helps is when she grabs my hand occasionally or gives a me a hug in public. It takes time but it becomes more comfortable as you do it more.
 
There is a book called “The Language of Love” or something like that that addresses people who have different styles of expressing affection/love to each other. It sounds like that might be a problem you are having (in addition to the different family backgrounds.)

Some people speak their love. Some people touch to show love. Others do things for each other. When the styles are different then both people get upset because they can’t understand why the other person isn’t showing and/or receiving their love. And most people assume that their way is the only way until something else is pointed out to them. Most people can understand the languages other than their own but they don’t FEEL loved unless the language is their own.

I don’t know if that is what your problem is but perhaps you and your husband could discuss what it is that makes each of you feel loved. You may never be completely satisfied with each others’ styles but if you both know what they are, then maybe you can at least attempt to speak each other’s language.
 
The book is called “The Five Love Languages”. I was just going to suggest this when I saw your post. It’s not religious but it makes a lot of sense and it made a great difference in my marriage which I already thought was great. I know men aren’t usually into these kinds of books (sorry for the generalization) but I asked my husband to read it and he thought it was great. We give it to our marriage prep couples. You’ll probably both hit yourselves in the head after you read it. We, probably even including your husband, put a lot of effort into doing things for our spouses but we’re probably missing the mark completely because we don’t have the right “love language”. This sound funny but it’s amazing how much less of an effort I have to make to please my husband now that I know what his “love language” is. The terminology sounds goofy but I’m betting the book would make perfect sense to you. You probably don’t even realize how much your husband loves you but is just missing the mark with you. The author even gives you tips on how to do a “love language” different than your own.
 
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sparkle:
Hi Catholic Girlfriends out there:

Just wondering, do any of you “suffer” from true lack of affection from your hubbys? Hand-holding, kissing, putting his arm around you?-- cuddling–in general, having trouble being just plain affectionate? being compassionate? I sure do. This causes me to feel very hurt–and I have trouble dealing with it from time to time. My husband tells me he loves me, on the phone especially, but in person he’s totally un-affectionate accept when he wants something–you know what I mean…how do you deal with this? any helpful hints? I have really learned not to expect anything from another human being in this life-- as they will ultimately disappoint us in the long run…and I don’t think my husband will ever be any different either as his “sick” parents were certainly not affectionate in the least. Mine were the total opposite. Everyone in my family is a hugger. This has been so hard for me to accept, as I sure didn’t know this about him 16 years ago.!!! I have thought about having an affair now a couple times–but I never would----hopefully----today in Mass, the Priest talked about “being faithful” to the end --In the Book of Matthew 12-----but it’s so hard sometimes!! I know my husband looks at other women and I hate it.

Would appreciate any thoughts or comments–anyone has --or helpful advice—

Thx Friends~~
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This is so sad. I am a 32 year old guy and I have promised myself and God that I will always show lots of affection and love to my future wife(if I ever find her) and I am one who believes this together with communication are a MUST if any marriage is to work. Well, am am naturally very affectionate anyway.
God bless, hang in there.
 
My wife was the same way until we met a Catholic Ministry called Couples for Christ. They helped us re-discover the passion by re-discovering the love we have for each other through Christ.
 
Well, I really differentiate sex from a sign of affection.
You asked about lack of affection such as hugging and hand holding.
But then, you mentioned you’d thought about having affairs!
Phew. That’s quite a leap.
My husband is only affectionate when…as you said.
And, like yours, he comes from a dysfunctional family.
I think he must equate love with sex.
My family was (is) very loving (one of my parents is now deceased).
So, this apparent “coldness” and “indifference” toward my feelings used to seem hurtful.
Perhaps God provided what was lacking in my husband, by providing it in my children. They are so warm and fuzzy!
His lack of “affection” doesn’t bother me. I don’t let it. I look at my glass as half full, not half empty. (Heck, I look at my glass as more than HALF full).
I think I outgrew the “needy-ness.”
Whether that is good or bad, I don’t know.
Regardless of my husband’s behavior or shortcomings, I can still be a good parent and a happy person! 🙂
 
No, I don’t have that problem. But my husband is only concerned with his wants and needs that’s for darn sure.
 
I strongly recommend the book " The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. After reading the book, send sent a copy each to my two daughters and my daughter-in-law. This book, for me, describes exactly how us guys think, show love and communicate! It’s an easy read (2-3 hours).

BTW: My daughter-in-law shared with a girlfriend who was visiting her. She read a portion of it, got on the phone and tearfully apologized to her husband for the way she was treating him.
 
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bear06:
The book is called “The Five Love Languages”. I was just going to suggest this when I saw your post. It’s not religious but it makes a lot of sense and it made a great difference in my marriage which I already thought was great. I know men aren’t usually into these kinds of books (sorry for the generalization) but I asked my husband to read it and he thought it was great. We give it to our marriage prep couples. You’ll probably both hit yourselves in the head after you read it. We, probably even including your husband, put a lot of effort into doing things for our spouses but we’re probably missing the mark completely because we don’t have the right “love language”. This sound funny but it’s amazing how much less of an effort I have to make to please my husband now that I know what his “love language” is. The terminology sounds goofy but I’m betting the book would make perfect sense to you. You probably don’t even realize how much your husband loves you but is just missing the mark with you. The author even gives you tips on how to do a “love language” different than your own.
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Thank you so much for this recommendation. This sure sounds like a good book. Guess my “love language” is touch and affection, obviously his isn’t—wow --I’d love to understand this whole thing more–will look for that book today----

thanks again~~~
 
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misericordie:
This is so sad. I am a 32 year old guy and I have promised myself and God that I will always show lots of affection and love to my future wife(if I ever find her) and I am one who believes this together with communication are a MUST if any marriage is to work. Well, am am naturally very affectionate anyway.
God bless, hang in there.
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Hi misericordie:

Hey thanks for your words! YOU will be a great husband --as most women I think, need lots of affection-----(MY former boyfriend before my husband was so affectionate—like you)…but then he had lots of other negatives…guess you can’t have it all–but from a woman’s point of view-------I think this is one of the main things we need from a man- along with being a good provider and father-----anyway–sometimes it’s the family of origin that’s the source of so many things to overcome-----marriage is indeed a challenge–don’t marry until you’re truly ready to forego others and to meet the challenges God has in store----

God is most likely preparing you right now to meet your future wife --just work on being a man of God----seeking HIS Will beyond anything else-----life is so exciting then!!!~~

Blessings~~
 
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BillFL:
I strongly recommend the book " The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura.
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Hey Bill Thanks. Have heard of this one-----another good read for sure!!
 
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mjdonnelly:
I’m a husband who isn’t very affectionate in public. I have to conciously think about it to do it. My family was never affectionate in public, and then I was in the Navy for 12 years where showing public affection in uniform is not normally allowed. It takes work on my part and my wife appreciates it when I do it. What helps is when she grabs my hand occasionally or gives a me a hug in public. It takes time but it becomes more comfortable as you do it more.
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Hi Mike:

My husband is like you --totally NOT affectionate in public at all–which makes me feel like he doesn’t love me-----I really get so hurt by it…I know I shouldn’t as I’m certainly not at all bad to look at as I’ve been told so many times…actually too many. Which is I suppose one of MY problems. Of all the men who have been knocking my door down over the years, the ONE I chose is cold, calculated, unaffectionate, serious, smart, etc. Why is this?
When I grab my husband’s hand in public–he doesn’t like it --he pulls away after about 3 seconds but then we get home and he attacks me. He has often said he hates it when other men look at me, etc. but yet he’s so cold too at the same time. Whewww–maybe I’m just insecure in some ways…dunno…marriage is a challenge at times isn’t it?

Nice to hear your comments~~~~

Blessings~~
 
How about a book called," How To Care For A Wife"? It’s a shame Dr. Laura can’t write about about THAT.
 
The point of Dr. Laura’s book was exactly that: With the “Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” wives will find they begin to see the love and affection they are looking for in their marriage.
 
wisdom 3:5:
Have you tried a marriage encounter? We went to Retrouvaille, which is more for marriages in trouble, and learned alot about communication. Sometimes my husband is great, sometimes not. I think it depends on what’s going on at work etc. Sometimes its even me and the way I treat him :bigyikes:
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I completely agree here.We’ll never, in a million years be able to change our husbands, but we can certainly change ourselves. If you change your part of the dance the entire dance will have to change.

Take stock of how you show love for your husband rather than how he doesn’t show love for you. How does your husband LIKE to be shown that he is loved? Figure it out and then do it. Showing our husbands that they are loved in the way that WE like to be shown won’t work. Only then should you approach your husband about how YOU like to be shown love.

Someone has to change in order for anything to change. Start with you and then go from there.
 
I don’t really care about love and affection in my marriage. I want my husband to realize he’s not the only one with wants and needs in life.
Believe me this is something I tell him a lot so I am not bad mouthing him here.
 
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Lilyofthevalley:
I don’t really care about love and affection in my marriage. I want my husband to realize he’s not the only one with wants and needs in life.
Believe me this is something I tell him a lot so I am not bad mouthing him here.
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It sounds like plan A isn’t working (telling him so a lot) so you need to go to plan B. 🙂
 
Plan B is I don’t live with him anymore. Stay married and all that.
 
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