Are couples so selfish these days that they won't have kids

[ChristIsLord]

Some of us are infertile and/or lose our precious children to miscarriage. Perhaps you could stand to gain a bit of Christian compassion.

My wife has suffered a miscarriage and our son died at one day old from non-immune hydrops. I don’t think this is what the OP was talking about. I think he is talking about married couples who make a decision to not try to have children for reasons other than infertility. I think it’s a bit unfair to not give the OP the benefit of the doubt here.

To the OP I know people (non-Catholics or Catholics who practice B.C.) who don’t want children or at least not yet because they say they don’t think they’ll be good parents, they love children but had bad childhoods and worry they won’t be able to raise the children right. To me this is an example of someone not having children for unselfish reasons.

I also know some who are deluded and want to just party go skiing, vacation, etc… and think the option to have children can be revisited when they’re in their late 30’s or even 40’s, sadly I know some couple living with this mistake too.

 

[gmarie21]

Careful. Those of us who cannot biologically have children are not required by the Church to adopt children, nor are we automatically selfish if we choose, after deliberation and prayer, not to adopt. I will assume the best and assume that you were referring to couples of normal fertility.

I believe she was referring to couples of normal fertility who choose to use birth control to avoid children for various reasons. Most on here who state that it’s selfish to be married and not have children for reasons other than what is defined by the Church is what we all believe. I would never, nor do I think anyone else would, look down on a couple who cannot have children and do not choose adoption. I’m adopted because my mom couldn’t have more children, but I also understand that it takes a certain heart/calling to adopt.

I heard of a story once where an infertile couple kept praying to have children to no avail. A few years later the sibling of the wife died and all five of her children were left to the only remaining relatives (the couple who was infertile). Sometimes God works in interesting ways.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Seeker, I SO agree with you. I have “landed” in a marriage with a man who is suffering from severe “anxiety” (read: selfishness) that he hid from me before the wedding. I DESPERATELY want to have children, and know now that this dream - along with being part of a loving, accepting family - is thoroughly shattered. I am 36. He doesn’t want kids, anyway. He doesn’t even want to spend time with me. He has his own room. He “portions out” 30 min a day to be with me and won’t sleep near me.

With the holidays approaching (and my sibiling expecting their second child) - I am struggling to continue breathing. Have I mentioned that my dear sibling has left the Catholic church and refuses to have the children baptized? I HURT SO BAD. Oh, please help me. When I compare this situation to my own, I am so SAD that I held out for “a good Catholic man”.

And a thorough and severe reprimand to the OP, who, perhaps unintentionally, has come off as the judgemental and self-righteous type of person who has probably been loved and cared for their whole life. They probably throw away more happiness in a single day than I have ever known my entire life. If they for a second EVER felt used, duped, unloved, forgotten and abandonded like I have for the last 20 years, they would sing a different tune. Especially when all the people in my life are “rubbing my nose” in their cascading overflow of life and love at this time of year…

Sorry, I’m bitter and in need of ALOT of comforting and repair. Please send prayers and love.

My heart goes to you as well! My ex was like that too…Always selfish his way or the high way…Still to this day his way only goes…And he harasses me all the time he can…
I pray that GOD take him far away from me but I guess it’s my cross to bare!

I pray that GOD helps you…and gives you comfort! God bless…

 

[iluvmybabies]

People have their own reasons for marrying or not, and becoming parents or not.

Judgmentalism and name calling are quite inappropriate in private matters such as this.

Because I did not feel called to parenthood, marriage was something I did not seek. Because the challenges of marriage and children were too daunting to me, I remained a bachelor.

Is it selfish to not do something that could not be done well?

With my own eyes, I have seen many unfit parents. Pressure to have children, results in people who ought best be childless, instead having kids.

What benefit to society, from people who do not want children, becoming parents?

I hear you and there are those such as myself whom wish to have children, and many and society and family look at you as if you are some strange creature and always find a way of ruining your dreams…And you find yourself not wanting any more children…And not open to life…It’s very difficult and frustrating to raise children on your own when you are stuck with a man that doesn’t care for anyone but himself…In which that caused our annulment…and divorce.

It’s just very difficult subject…

 

[iluvmybabies]

My wife has suffered a miscarriage and our son died at one day old from non-immune hydrops. I don’t think this is what the OP was talking about. I think he is talking about married couples who make a decision to not try to have children for reasons other than infertility. I think it’s a bit unfair to not give the OP the benefit of the doubt here.

To the OP I know people (non-Catholics or Catholics who practice B.C.) who don’t want children or at least not yet because they say they don’t think they’ll be good parents, they love children but had bad childhoods and worry they won’t be able to raise the children right. To me this is an example of someone not having children for unselfish reasons.

I also know some who are deluded and want to just party go skiing, vacation, etc… and think the option to have children can be revisited when they’re in their late 30’s or even 40’s, sadly I know some couple living with this mistake too.

Yeah I know of a couple who were like that, all their young years they avoided pg at all costs, then in their late 20s they wanted children and nothing, not one child, so they were like oh we still have time so they continued with their partying then early 30s still no child started seeking help and no child, one day 9 years later they have their first and only child, they turned to GOD for this miracle…But if it wasn’t for GOD’s grace I doubt they would not have been blessed at all! They adore their child more than life itself!!!

 

[ChristIsLord]

Seeker, I SO agree with you. I have “landed” in a marriage with a man who is suffering from severe “anxiety” (read: selfishness) that he hid from me before the wedding. I DESPERATELY want to have children, and know now that this dream - along with being part of a loving, accepting family - is thoroughly shattered. I am 36. He doesn’t want kids, anyway. He doesn’t even want to spend time with me. He has his own room. He “portions out” 30 min a day to be with me and won’t sleep near me.

With the holidays approaching (and my sibiling expecting their second child) - I am struggling to continue breathing. Have I mentioned that my dear sibling has left the Catholic church and refuses to have the children baptized? I HURT SO BAD. Oh, please help me. When I compare this situation to my own, I am so SAD that I held out for “a good Catholic man”.

And a thorough and severe reprimand to the OP, who, perhaps unintentionally, has come off as the judgemental and self-righteous type of person **who has probably been loved and cared for their whole life. They probably throw away more happiness in a single day than I have ever known my entire life. If they for a second EVER felt used, duped, unloved, forgotten and abandonded like I have for the last 20 years, they would sing a different tune. **Especially when all the people in my life are “rubbing my nose” in their cascading overflow of life and love at this time of year…

Sorry, I’m bitter and in need of ALOT of comforting and repair. Please send prayers and love.

TigerKitty,

While I feel bad you hurt so much it’s not fair to claim that the OP has never suffered or been abandoned, you don’t know the extent of his lifes circumstances. Perhaps he focuses more on his blessings than what’s gone wrong in his life?

Having children isn’t all gravy and love, it’s terribly taxing, I work and my wife stays home, I get up at 5:00 AM and get home at 8:30 PM commuting to NYC and working 13 hour days or more. I work on the weekends as a chimney sweep, mason, laborer, work at retail during the holidays, anything to get money to keep everything going, I probably work close to 100 hours a week or even more. I alone handle the stresses of everyday life, I constantly worry something horrid happening to my children or wife. I’ve been through the death of my father at 12, war, seperation, depression, my son died at one day old from non-immune hydrops as my wife and I held him devestated. My wifes Mom is an alcoholic rotting away in a dump nursing home, her father won’t speak to her because his new wife doesn’t like her etc…

From the outside we look like a perfect family and we are happy for the most part, however we’ve had our fare share of misery, and I’m working myself to an early grave too.

 

[Logic316]

Yes, I believe that is who they were referring to. People who choose not to have children because it would be too much trouble for them, don’t want to have to bother with anyone other then themselves.

That’s a downright ignorant thing to say.
There are childfree people who work with children extensively as a part of their careers (as teachers, nurses, doctors, etc.) who simply want peace and quiet when they get home and don’t want to deal with any kids in their time off. Not to mention, many of them have pets and take good very care of them, so this notion that people are being selfish if they can support kids but choose not to, is a big load of horsecrap.

 

[notsmart]

That’s a downright ignorant thing to say.
There are childfree people who work with children extensively as a part of their careers (as teachers, nurses, doctors, etc.) who simply want peace and quiet when they get home and don’t want to deal with any kids in their time off. Not to mention, many of them have pets and take good very care of them, so this notion that people are being selfish if they can support kids but choose not to, is a big load of horsecrap.

If you are catholic, and married you must be open to having children. Pets are not mentioned as a approved substitue.

 

[Logic316]

Wow, how little you understand about the economic conditions around the world as a result of decreased populations. And the falacy regarding the “environment”. But, if you’re all for decreasing the “environmental” problems, then I’m sure you’ll be happy to pay for the heating of my “green” home (I bought it not because it’s “green” but because the price was right). My heating bill is still high even though I have top notch insulation and windows and doors.

This is a non-sequitur.
Everybody needs to have a home (with heat, water, etc.), but not everybody needs to have kids. They’re a responsibility, not a right, and certainly not a commandment. There’s nothing wrong or selfish with not wanting to care for a life that hasn’t even been conceived yet. It’s funny how in all of the world’s poorest countries where people don’t even get enough to eat, they can’t put 2 and 2 together and realize that their poverty is directly related to the high number of children that they produce!

 

[notsmart]

This is a non-sequitur.
Everybody needs to have a home (with heat, water, etc.), but not everybody needs to have kids. They’re a responsibility, not a right, and certainly not a commandment. There’s nothing wrong or selfish with not wanting to care for a life that hasn’t even been conceived yet. It’s funny how in all of the world’s poorest countries where people don’t even get enough to eat, they can’t put 2 and 2 together and realize that their poverty is directly related to the high number of children that they produce!

If you are a catholic, you must be open to having children.

 

[Logic316]

If you are catholic, and married you must be open to having children. Pets are not mentioned as a approved substitue.

Which is one reason I would never marry a typical Catholic. They tenaciously adhere to mindless dogma, and their religion has no regard for non-human animals.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

It’s funny how in all of the world’s poorest countries where people don’t even get enough to eat, they can’t put 2 and 2 together and realize that their poverty is directly related to the high number of children that they produce!

**
Funny, I thought corrupt governments etc played a small hand as well**

 

[sanctamaria17]

I beg to differ that Catholicism has no regard for animals. As stewards of this earth, we are required to be humane towards animals and take care of the environment. Even the Pope has said that.

As for your assertion that all we do is follow mindless dogma, why don’t you actually go out, meet, and talk with those of us who’ve had to make it on our own, decide our own morality, and came to the conclusion that Catholic morals and faith actually made sense?

I’m sorry, but your statements are inaccurate, generalizations and seem somewhat ignorant. If you’ve been hurt by Catholics or Catholic teaching, then my apologies. If you don’t want to have kids, then don’t. But don’t expect many Catholics, or many people in general, to agree with you.

 

[notsmart]

Which is one reason I would never marry a typical Catholic. They tenaciously adhere to mindless dogma, and their religion has no regard for non-human animals.

Do you know about St. Francis of Assisi?

 

[Logic316]

If you are a catholic, you must be open to having children.

Why, because the Pope says so?
Where exactly is this rule in the Bible that says a couple not wanting to have kids is a sin? “Be fruitful and multiply” is just a blessing, not a commandment. It seems to me you people don’t actually care about anybody’s freedom or happiness, you just want to produce more Catholics at any cost.

 

[notsmart]

Why, because the Pope says so?
Where exactly is this rule in the Bible that says a couple not wanting to have kids is a sin? “Be fruitful and multiply” is just a blessing, not a commandment. It seems to me you people don’t actually care about anybody’s freedom or happiness, you just want to produce more Catholics at any cost.

I don’t know if you are angry, but I will answer this post as soon as you note my kind reply to your abrasive post above.
I will repeat, do you know about St. Francis of Assisi?
By the way, are you a christian?
Do you consider catholics christian?

 

[sanctamaria17]

If we are Catholic, then our happiness comes from God, not from the Pope or from the earth. Our freedom also comes from God, not this world. But there is a price and it means learning to give of yourself to others. Marriage is supposed to be procreative because it reflects the oneness of God, which is always creating. Sex, biologically, is for BOTH the procreation and union of mankind. That’s why it belongs in marriage.

Seriously, no one is pointing a gun to your head and forcing you to procreate. But if you want to be a good Catholic and you feel your vocation is marriage, you have to at least be open.

And if you want to debate Catholicism, that’s fine. We don’t mind disagreement. But don’t insult us or our religion just because it isn’t convenient for your chosen lifestyle.

 

[Logic316]

Do you know about St. Francis of Assisi?

Wow, a Catholic who happened to like animals. That’s nice but tell me, where in the Bible or in any later official teachings does it positively FORBID the mistreatment of animals and declare it to be a sin? Where do they acknowledge anywhere that we are in any way evolved from or fundamentally related to other animals? Nowhere.
Gawd just came down from the sky and poofed it all into existence, and made us masters over them and allows us to use/abuse them any way we want. I still can’t fathom how I once believed in all that junk.

 

[notsmart]

Wow, a Catholic who happened to like animals. That’s nice but tell me, where in the Bible or in any later official teachings does it positively FORBID the mistreatment of animals and declare it to be a sin? Where do they acknowledge anywhere that we are in any way evolved from or fundamentally related to other animals? Nowhere.
Gawd just came down from the sky and poofed it all into existence, and made us masters over them and allows us to use/abuse them any way we want. I still can’t fathom how I once believed in all that junk.

In the bible, God lets Adam have full dominion over the animals. He is to be a good steward to them, just as the CCC does tell us to be (a good steward to them)
PS, I am a chatechumen I guess. Not even baptised yet.
Former? atheist.

 

[Salonika]

notsmart:

If you are a catholic, you must be open to having children.

Did you mean catholic and are married/contemplating marriage you must be open to having children?

If not, then a cathlic who has decided not to marry and have children would cease to be catholic at the moment they decided not to marry or have children. Unless, I suppose, they are either planning to become a priest, religious or consecrated virgin.