Are couples so selfish these days that they won't have kids

[happymommy]

As a 23 year old female Catholic, I still can’t grasp why not wanting kids is labled as selfish. I’m not married, but have a serious boyfriend and this issue has been brought up a number of times. He wants kids eventually and I don’t. He has never even been around babies, he just thinks it’s something he’s supposed to do, but I on the other hand, have never had a good experience with a baby or small child. Ever. I won’t use the word hate but if there’s a feeling right below that, it is an accurate description of my feelings about babies. Have you ever had that deep horrible angry feeling inside of you that some things cause? You don’t want to feel that way but you do. If so, that’s what happens to me if I’m ever around a baby. It is just the way I am. Maybe I’ll grow out of it, but I’ve threatened to rip out my uterus several times already. (sort of kidding)
My point is that some people just cannot fathom one happy thought about being thrown into motherhood. I know that’s probably impossible for happy parents to imagine, but it’s true. Am I selfish for just being that way? It’s like a young child, who everytime they saw a dog, got bitten or scared by it. Then he grows up and is told that just because there are dogs out there that need homes, you should adopt as many as possible without you and them going hungry. Forget your life as you know it. It’s ok God will provide.Think of how that now adult would react to that. Now substitute babies for dogs and me as that child. Maybe now you can understand. Does that make me selfish and evil for feeling that way? What’s wrong with putting it off so that if I ever do have a kid, I’m happy about it?
Everyone has their own situation so don’t label someone that doesn’t want kids as selfish. People think women need to reproduce as much as possible just because they have a uterus. That makes as much sense as purposely becoming obese because you have a stomach.

Sorry that turned into a rant, but when your own mother even calls you seflish for not wanting kids in the future, it makes you angry.

First, If you boyfriend wants children and you are not open to that, then you should not marry him! If you are both Catholic then you must be open to children within your marriage, to not be open to life is a sin.

Second, please do not compare a baby to a dog. That is wrong on many levels and I take offense to it.

Third, Not to be mean, but if you mother is willing to call you out on your thinking, then maybe she is right. I didn’t read any good reason in your post to not have children…just a lot of me, me, me. Having children is a self-less act. You put yourself last. That’s not always easy for some to do.

 

[Calliso]

First, If you boyfriend wants children and you are not open to that, then you should not marry him! If you are both Catholic then you must be open to children within your marriage, to not be open to life is a sin.

Second, please do not compare a baby to a dog. That is wrong on many levels and I take offense to it.

Third, Not to be mean, but if you mother is willing to call you out on your thinking, then maybe she is right. I didn’t read any good reason in your post to not have children…just a lot of me, me, me. Having children is a self-less act. You put yourself last. That’s not always easy for some to do.

So having incredibly negative feelings for kids it actually sounds to be like it might even be a fear of children isn;t a good reason not to have kids? To me that;s one of the best. I rather have people who donlt want kids for such reason not have them.

 

[happymommy]

So having incredibly negative feelings for kids it actually sounds to be like it might even be a fear of children isn;t a good reason not to have kids? To me that;s one of the best. I rather have people who donlt want kids for such reason not have them.

First I think they need to find out why they have negative feelings towards a baby. But if they can’t get past those feelings, then you are right, they shouldn’t have children. But, that also means that they shouldn’t get married.

 

[Appleby]

I have a hard time understanding why One Size Fits All when it comes to having a family. It seems to me that some people have a hard time believing that if other people do not want what they want, those other people should be forced to take it anyway and then severely punished if they still do not want it.

Suppose I decided that everyone in America should be a race car driver, and started bullying you and nagging you and calling you selfish because you would rather be a ballerina and you do not even like car racing. Suppose I said you should seek psychiatric help because if you were any kind of a normal, decent person you would do what I want you to do and no backtalk.

But maybe you will say that a career choice is not the same thing as having two dozen children or so, whether you want them or not. So let me ask you this: what about that woman that just had the octuplets and now has 14 children under the age of 7, and lives with her mother in a 3 bedroom house, and has no means of support save begging? Is she your ideal woman because she has no desire in the world save to produce babies?

 

[katillac1]

Ok, first, I wasn’t comparing a baby to a dog. I was trying to come up with an example to try to explain how I feel. You’re absolutely right, babies and dogs are not comparable. That is the best way I could come up with at the moment to try and describe my feelings.
Secondly, my boyfriend is actually Baptist, which brings alot of other circumstances to work out, but instead of automatically assuming we won’t work out, how about being glad that we’re talking about it now. We are the love of each other’s lives and I can’t imagine for one second what it would be like to not have him in my life. Which brings me to a third point. It was mentioned that if I don’t want kids, I shouldn’t get married. So just because I can’t see myself procreating means that I should be destined for a life of lonely misery? Just give up everything for babies that don’t exist? Marriage is more than just reproducing. It’s about that absolute love that you have with a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and share that with God. We both love God and Jesus Christ very much. Is that a Catholic teaching or just your point of view on that matter? I am very against abortion, and truly do value life, I just can’t see myself being a mother. And who knows, maybe in years I will change my mind. If I wasn’t married to the wonderful man of my dreams, I couldn’t do anything about it and would be miserable from a childless standpoint as well.

Appleby I agree with you completely.

 

[happymommy]

Ok, first, I wasn’t comparing a baby to a dog. I was trying to come up with an example to try to explain how I feel. You’re absolutely right, babies and dogs are not comparable. That is the best way I could come up with at the moment to try and describe my feelings.
Secondly, my boyfriend is actually Baptist, which brings alot of other circumstances to work out, but instead of automatically assuming we won’t work out, how about being glad that we’re talking about it now. We are the love of each other’s lives and I can’t imagine for one second what it would be like to not have him in my life. Which brings me to a third point. It was mentioned that if I don’t want kids, I shouldn’t get married. So just because I can’t see myself procreating means that I should be destined for a life of lonely misery? Just give up everything for babies that don’t exist? Marriage is more than just reproducing. It’s about that absolute love that you have with a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and share that with God. We both love God and Jesus Christ very much. Is that a Catholic teaching or just your point of view on that matter? I am very against abortion, and truly do value life, I just can’t see myself being a mother. And who knows, maybe in years I will change my mind. If I wasn’t married to the wonderful man of my dreams, I couldn’t do anything about it and would be miserable from a childless standpoint as well.

Appleby I agree with you completely.

I did not make any of this up and it’s not just my opinion. It is the teaching of the Catholic Church that states you must be open to life if you marry. We have had this debate many times on this forum, it’s the Church’s teachings, not just me trying to be mean. I’m sorry if I upset you, I suggest you research the teachings of the Church, read the Catechism and pray about it.

As for the woman who just had 8 children, I don’t agree with anything she has done. First, she had IVF, that’s against Church teaching, second, she is not married, again wrong. So no I don’t think she is an ideal woman. And the number of chlidren a woman has, has nothing to do with it. You can be open to life and never blessed with children, but you must be open to the possibilty. If you say, you will never have children, then you are taking God out of it. You are making the decision, you are calling the shots. And that is wrong.

 

[Salonika]

katillac1:

As a 23 year old female Catholic, I still can’t grasp why not wanting kids is labelled as selfish.

As somone a lot older than you who decided at ten that children weren’t for me I know what you mean. I have the same question about why we are automatically labelled as selfish. Some of us might be but so are some of those who have children.

Think there are many reasons why women decide they do not want to have children. Some arise from their personalities, some from experience, some from having other priorities.

katillac1:

What’s wrong with putting it off so that if I ever do have a kid, I’m happy about it?

Nothing in my view. I think children deserve to born into a loving family situation. People say but “it will be different, dear” when it’s your child. But what if it isn’t? Babies, in my view, deserve better.
katillac:

Sorry that turned into a rant, but when your own mother even calls you selfish for not wanting kids in the future, it makes you angry.

It sure does. The one that used to get to me most was Mum saying “Well if I had had the same attitude you’d never have been born”.

Then at other times she would tell me that it was just as well that I didn’t want children as I would be a bad mother (think that followed on from the fact I’d be a bad wife – which I’m sure I would have been.)

happymommy:

First I think they need to find out why they have negative feelings towards a baby. But if they can’t get past those feelings, then you are right, they shouldn’t have children.

Agree, there’s a difference about having negative attitudes to babies as babies (ie not wanting to see them or touch them) and having negative feelings about you having a baby and/or having to look after it.

Then sometimes it’s not about babies (women can love them or feel indifferent about them) it’s about other factors.

Think people also need to think how they feel about children and teenagers. Babies don’t stay babies.

Final comment: The most nurturing women on one side of my family were not the aunts and cousins who were mothers but two unmarried great-aunts. Women who do not want/have children of their own can be nurturing to other people’s children – in my case when they are well past the baby stage.

 

[Sillara]

I am slightly confused here. The OP asked why COUPLES purposely refrain from having children. He did not refer to infertile couples, nor was he, it seemed to me, addressing single people. Why are most of the responses from those who are unmarried and have chosen not to have children? That is what the Church teaches. There is nothing wrong with not marrying. (In fact, I am hoping my oldest daughter stays with her dream of becoming a nun!) It is only when married couples who COULD have children do not that the selfishness moniker is applied.

 

[barbfromtucson]

I’m still single, so this is not a ‘pressing’ issue for me at this time, but I have never had a strong desire to have children myself.

My mom says that I am selfish.

HOWEVER, this same mom was (and still is) very verbally/emotionally-abusive to me and I’ve had many scars from it. I’ve come a long way in the healing process, but not all the way there.

I didn’t have a good childhood, and I would be afraid of the cycle continuing.

OF COURSE, I have matured a bit and grown and my views of not wanting children is not as strong as before. I know that I have/am confronting the abuse and are ‘rewiring’ myself–so I know that the cycle would not continue.

But if you had asked me 10-15 years ago if I wanted to have children, it would have been a flat out, “NO”. But I don’t think it was a selfish thing for me to have that viewpoint, considering what I had gone through.

I wouldn’t automatically jump to the conclusion that a couple who doesn’t want to have kids is just being selfish. I’m sure that there are cases of this, but I don’t think you can say this across the board.

God Bless,

Barbara

 

[Salonika]

Sillara:

I am slightly confused here. The OP asked why COUPLES purposely refrain from having children. He did not refer to infertile couples, nor was he, it seemed to me, addressing single people. Why are most of the responses from those who are unmarried and have chosen not to have children?

Can’t speak for all of us but I think a major reason is because many of us identify with, and understand, what it is like for couples to be told they are selfish for not wanting to have children. We can do this because we get the same message but often a double dose. We get told we are selfish because we have not married and doubly selfish because we do not have children.

Think those who get it the worst are couples who want children who are unable to conceive. At least single people and couples who decide not to have children have made the decision for themselves.

 

[Calliso]

First I think they need to find out why they have negative feelings towards a baby. But if they can’t get past those feelings, then you are right, they shouldn’t have children. But, that also means that they shouldn’t get married.

Well I disagree on that a person shouldn;t get married if they donlt want kids. But I would say that they shouldn;t get married right now at least because it wouldn;t be fair to her boyfriend especially if her opinion doesn;t change and his doesn;t as well.

 

[survive]

I believe there are perhaps a few thousand people in America who wish every woman to have as many children as she can, and maybe a very small number of them are Catholic. A lot are actually members of polygamist sects, in fact, but that’s another issue for another time.
If you don’t want children and you really are sure it’s not just a phase, you should not have children. If you aren’t married, you should live a celibate life, in chastity. If you are already married or have a strong sex drive, you should practice natural family planning while exploring why children upset you so much. A child is a human being, and a sign of hope for all life, and as such brings most people deep joy. To be that averse to something so ordinary and good is a sign something could be wrong somewhere. It’s not like not wanting to race stock cars; it’s like not wanting to see adults or not wanting to use words. If you have a child already, inside or outside, and still feel that strongly against motherhood, it’s a good time to arrange an adoption. I’d suggest an early start choosing an adoptive family, as there are so many to every child. You might have to vet hundreds of people.
But if you just don’t want children for the most often mentioned reasons, such as money or schedule conflicts, then it’s different. There’s no reason to have all you can, but I’ve seen people with very average incomes and full lives make room for double-digit numbers of kids and still have time and space left over.

 

[Calliso]

I believe there are perhaps a few thousand people in America who wish every woman to have as many children as she can, and maybe a very small number of them are Catholic. A lot are actually members of polygamist sects, in fact, but that’s another issue for another time.
If you don’t want children and you really are sure it’s not just a phase, you should not have children. If you aren’t married, you should live a celibate life, in chastity. If you are already married or have a strong sex drive, you should practice natural family planning while exploring why children upset you so much. A child is a human being, and a sign of hope for all life, and as such brings most people deep joy. To be that averse to something so ordinary and good is a sign something could be wrong somewhere. It’s not like not wanting to race stock cars; it’s like not wanting to see adults or not wanting to use words. If you have a child already, inside or outside, and still feel that strongly against motherhood, it’s a good time to arrange an adoption. I’d suggest an early start choosing an adoptive family, as there are so many to every child. You might have to vet hundreds of people.
But if you just don’t want children for the most often mentioned reasons, such as money or schedule conflicts, then it’s different. There’s no reason to have all you can, but I’ve seen people with very average incomes and full lives make room for double-digit numbers of kids and still have time and space left over.

While it can be indicative of a problem that needs fixing. Not wanting kids doesn;t automatically mean someone has such a problem. I donlt think it is comparable though to not wanting to talk.

 

[opticks]

I think the number one reason young married couples avoid children is fear of divorce.

 

[AngelaBarbara]

Well I would say people have kids for selfish reasons much of the time…just as people who CHOSE not to have kids usually have selfish reasons as well. Really very few people probably have any room to call others selfish. Most of us are pretty selfish in one way or another.

Exactly! Not everyone is called to have children. As a child, I never played with dolls and imagined what fun it would be to be a mommy. Never.

I can’t imagine what having kids would do to my mental state, and I don’t think I’m the right person to be a parent.

And I’m a nice, caring person with friends and family whom I love, and who love me. I think it’s wrong and rather judgmental for folks to think that people who choose not to have kids are selfish, etc. I just am not the right person to be a parent. I have other callings, like raising money for my church and my community.

Everyone is different. Those who parent deserve our Christian charity, and those who can’t parent deserve our Christian charity. Let’s not make assumptions about people and think ill of them for their choices, which, ultimately are none of our business. We can’t know another’s heart or what issues they may be confronting in their lives.

 

[LittleBits]

What is so selfish about not wanting kids? Not everyone has to have kids, and not everyone wants kids. There is nothing wrong with that, and with all due respect, it’s really none of your buisness. If someone gave the reason for not wanting kids eas because of not being able to party, that’s WONDERFUL! If theyy know that partying is important to them, it’s great they have the foresight to not have kids, rather than to have them, and then neglect them…

 

[flyingfish]

I have been thinking lately of how blessed me and my wife are wih our 2 sons and some times it makes me ponder the question of people who we know who won’t have childern at all and this makes me sad for them because I don’t think they undertand what they are missing out on.

How many people who want and can have children choose not to? How many people who don’t want children choose to have them?

I don’t think the people who choose not to have children because they don’t want any are any more selfish than people who choose to have children because they want them.

From what I see, most people do what they want. Some want children, while others don’t. I’ve yet to meet people who force themselves to have children when they don’t want any, or who force themselves not to have children when they want them. (I’m sure they’re out there, those self sacrificing people, and I bet they’re pretty miserable.)

 

[dakotagirl]

Why do people never have children? Because children are annoying. I don’t say this to be mean, because plainly and simply if you like them, feel free to have them. But whiny, bratty, FIGHTING children are all I ever grew up around, (so yes, I DO know what they are like) and I do not share my prolific parents’ starry-eyed-ness about the beauty of God’s plan. God’s plan, by the way apparently involved my parents having so many children that when hard times came around, we nearly lost the home (that was necessary to house so many of us). I am grateful for my siblings but that doesn’t mean I have to churn out my own brood.
And I for one, NEVER have an urge to have a baby, not at that time of the month, not at Christmas, not ever.
Before anyone bitches to me about not being open to life, and not being Catholic enough, I would like to state that being Catholic, I refuse to marry unless a miracle rains down from Heaven and I suddenly and irrevocably desire children (my favorite thing I heard on this subject has been that when I meet the right man that will “naturally” happen ) MY question on this topic is why do people get deliberately pregnant when they a) can’t afford basic necessities of life, like health insurance b) have more kids than they can control or emotionally provide for already or c) have to rely on their older children to “parent” their younger ones?

 

[Lutheranteach]

I applaud those who know themselves well enough to honestly say: “I don’t want to be a parent. I would not be good at it.” I can’t think of anything more damaging or hurtful to a kid than to have your mother or father look at you, even if in a moment of anger, and say “I NEVER wanted you” and know that they mean it.

 

[Sierrah]

I have been thinking lately of how blessed me and my wife are wih our 2 sons and some times it makes me ponder the question of people who we know who won’t have childern at all and this makes me sad for them because I don’t think they undertand what they are missing out on.

While I feel that pull to have children I sometimes wonder myself how I would take it. Kids are a lot of work, sacrifice and time. Your life becomes theirs in a sense. While I sure the love a parent feels for his or her child makes it all worth it I can see how it would be a daunting prospect for someone or even two people. So I don’t know if I would call someone selfish for not wanting children. Not everyone is called to be a parent. I’ve seen too many people have kids they never really wanted because of family pressure and the kids ended up suffering so maybe in some cases it’s better if they don’t have kids.