Are husbands who use pornography most likely cheaters?

[GraceDK]

^^see thread title

I mean habitually engaged, not coming clean to his wife or trying to stop, and already descended into looking at the REALLY perverted stuff like lesbianism, etc.

Is such a man generally the same type who wouldn’t hesitate to cheat on his wife if he thought he could get away with it? No, it’s not me it’s just that over time I’ve noticed a lot of red flags with somebody else for whom (unfortunately) any such problems would end up being my business as well.

A man who looks at porn is cheating. Because of the perverse nature of porn such a man is better not to get married before he had well recovered from his addiction, because the use of porn is very destructive to relationships and sexual life.
You might wanna see the movie Fireproof about a man whose use of porn totally destroys the selfesteem of his wife and she wants a divorce because of this.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

I think that porn use is more likely to deaden a males libido and make him less satisfied with the real thing. There is no way for a real woman to compete with the custom tailored images that a man can get with pornography. I think that in the end porn use will lead to a man being dissatisfied with the partner he has. Whether or not dissatisfaction will lead to cheating is something I really don’t know.

 

[whm]

"A man who looks at porn is cheating. "

As is a couple using contraception. I find it difficult to separate the two issues. Once sex becomes about pleasure over procreation, it opens the door for all sorts of terrible distortions.

Back to the OP’s original question…

Not everyone who uses porn will end up in a physical affair. Some will stop using porn (thanks be to God). Some will struggle with stopping and could use some prayers. Those who do not try to stop, will continue to darker and darker places and cause a lot of damage to themselves and others. That may be through an affair, a prostitute, homosexual affair, demanding contraceptive or other distorted form of sex with a spouse, or through sicker more disturbing porn use.

BTW Cat’s post was very insightful, I would only add that the porn never delivers on its promises and can lead to the issues in the last sentence of the prior paragraph.

 

[insideitall]

as others have pointed out, most men watch porn but most men don’t cheat.

someone else also said that a man who cheats will also most likely use porn, but given the previous point, most men who use porn won’t also cheat.

usage has become so widespread that while many men will be ashamed, it’s probably more because they know their mother/girlfriend/wife will be upset/disappointed/angry with them, not because they think it’s a sin. sort of the same with premarital sex. maybe they used to think it was bad, but after being told for so long that there’s nothing wrong with it, they’ve convinced themselves it’s ok.

when people view sex as something they want, they become more selfish and cause more problems. women will refuse their husbands as a punishment, or because they “have a headache” and just don’t feel like it. men will only be physically affectionate to their wives when they want some. maybe he’s tried doing other things, but his wife views those things not as something nice he’s doing but as something he should be doing.

so a man will rationalize porn by saying well I need it and she won’t take care of me; and a woman will rationalize smutty books by saying well I need it and he won’t take care of me.

when that sort of situation goes on for long enough, that’s when you end up with a higher chance of physically cheating. but overall, I still think most people are reluctant to get involved with someone else. I’m willing to bet the vast majority of porn usage by married/attached men is not because they’re not getting it at all, but because they’re not getting it as much as they want. so they figure, well, I know my sex drive is much higher than hers, which isn’t either of our faults, so if i do this I won’t have to bug her as much.

so basically, because of how accepted porn has become, and how the majority of men use it at least every once in awhile, even if they’re not strictly speaking addicted, I would not use this fact alone as an indicator of potential cheating.

maybe a sort of decent analogy would be that just because most people drive over the speed limit, at least every once in awhile, doesn’t mean they will also start running red lights? but, the people running red lights are almost certainly speeding…

haha, “red lights…” sorry…

 

[manualman]

I prefer to think of it this way. The man who successfully builds virtue by practicing “custody of the eyes” is a man who adds a formidable layer to the defense of his chastity. I sincerely doubt you’ll find a man who has practiced self discipline to the point where he can even toss the Victoria’s Secret catalogue in the trash without so much as a lingering pause who will end up in an affair with his neighbor’s wife.

On the other hand, sins are sins because they ACTUALLY do damage to our souls. The man who secretly looks at porn is undermining the integrity of his human sexuality, which by definition leaves him with a weaker will and less fortitude to resist temptation.

Does practicing porn necessarily lead to physical adultery? Of course not. But I’d call it a significant risk factor. We all know an old coot or two who has drank like a fish and smoked two packs of cigs a day and still lived to be 90. But it’s the exception, not the norm. Porn is as toxic to the soul as cigarettes are to the body. You’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

 

[catharina]

I prefer to think of it this way. The man who successfully builds virtue by practicing “custody of the eyes” is a man who adds a formidable layer to the defense of his chastity. I sincerely doubt you’ll find a man who has practiced self discipline to the point where he can even toss the Victoria’s Secret catalogue in the trash without so much as a lingering pause who will end up in an affair with his neighbor’s wife.

On the other hand, sins are sins because they ACTUALLY do damage to our souls. The man who secretly looks at porn is undermining the integrity of his human sexuality, which by definition leaves him with a weaker will and less fortitude to resist temptation.

Does practicing porn necessarily lead to physical adultery? Of course not. But I’d call it a significant risk factor. We all know an old coot or two who has drank like a fish and smoked two packs of cigs a day and still lived to be 90. But it’s the exception, not the norm. Porn is as toxic to the soul as cigarettes are to the body. You’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

Agree
and
Agree.

 

[qOcOp]

^^see thread title

I mean habitually engaged, not coming clean to his wife or trying to stop, and already descended into looking at the REALLY perverted stuff like lesbianism, etc.

Is such a man generally the same type who wouldn’t hesitate to cheat on his wife if he thought he could get away with it? No, it’s not me it’s just that over time I’ve noticed a lot of red flags with somebody else for whom (unfortunately) any such problems would end up being my business as well.

My answer would be yes. Being a Lust Addict myself I know that my condition is constantly trying to increase and if I don’t do something about it, it will. Like all drug use the beginning starts with small doses and then moves to higher ones because the old amount just isn’t doing it anymore. The same goes for lust. When I was younger it started with the women in comic books, then JC Penny magazines, then Victoria Secret, then Playboy, then etc. etc., you get the point hopefully by now. Anyone that isn’t trying to recover and root out this habit is just going to go deeper into it. Looking will eventually turn into acting out because looking will no longer satisfy the curiosity.

Most people don’t understand how serious lust really is. Saint Francis De Sales said that lust is so dangerous to the soul that even one lustful word is like putting a drop of dye into a glass of crystal clear water. Now just think if it’s hard to clear the class of just that little drop of dye, how much harder then will it be for sad souls like myself to rid our glasses of the thousands of drops we have defiled ourselves with. If you know this person then approach him compassionately as you would someone sick with a disease because that’s what we are. Tell them lovingly that it is their moral obligation to tell the other person they are with about their current habit, especially if they are not trying to recover from it. Then I would pray for that person so their heart will be open up to Gods love and call to conversion.

Now if there are people that are in a relationship, married or not and wanted to know if looking at pornography is considered cheating then the answer is yes.

But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart."–Matthew 5:28

 

[mcrow]

I think that most men who are of the type that would engage in sex with a woman other than their wives don’t “settle” for porn, they want the real experience.

However, the two seem to have similar reasons that make men go that direction:

Having an affair/watching porn can be because of a want for more intamacy than they are not getting with their wives (Both physcial and emotional), could be to satisfy some perverted sexual activities their wife won’t do, or it might be to do with some other disorder. Some may have self worth issues and the sins of the flesh are in some way validating to them.

I think for many males watching porn is just “a guy thing”. No big deal in their eyes, though married guys are probably a little more thoughtful about it.

 

[Alix1912]

Like I said earlier I think that Porn can be very destructive in a marriage, and I also think it can be a gateway into bigger sins. Does every guy who looks at porn cheat physically, no…but it probably isn’t a great deterant to cheating either.

 

[GraceDK]

My answer would be yes. Being a Lust Addict myself I know that my condition is constantly trying to increase and if I don’t do something about it, it will. Like all drug use the beginning starts with small doses and then moves to higher ones because the old amount just isn’t doing it anymore. The same goes for lust. When I was younger it started with the women in comic books, then JC Penny magazines, then Victoria Secret, then Playboy, then etc. etc., you get the point hopefully by now. Anyone that isn’t trying to recover and root out this habit is just going to go deeper into it. Looking will eventually turn into acting out because looking will no longer satisfy the curiosity.

Most people don’t understand how serious lust really is. Saint Francis De Sales said that lust is so dangerous to the soul that even one lustful word is like putting a drop of dye into a glass of crystal clear water. Now just think if it’s hard to clear the class of just that little drop of dye, how much harder then will it be for sad souls like myself to rid our glasses of the thousands of drops we have defiled ourselves with. If you know this person then approach him compassionately as you would someone sick with a disease because that’s what we are. Tell them lovingly that it is their moral obligation to tell the other person they are with about their current habit, especially if they are not trying to recover from it. Then I would pray for that person so their heart will be open up to Gods love and call to conversion.

Now if there are people that are in a relationship, married or not and wanted to know if looking at pornography is considered cheating then the answer is yes.

But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart."–Matthew 5:28

Indeed, these are very true points.
I think some people are afraid to look into the mess of their sin and see adultery there, and understandably so, but adultery through porn-watching is what it is, and not just symbolically. Many people who come from broken relationships and marriages can say that they indeed feel worn down, broken and humiliated because of the cheating of a porn watching partner.

CS Lewis says the same as you do, indulgence makes the need to indulge ever greater.
As a person who is battling chocolate addiction - this does not damage my relationships but its still a sin and its not good for my body which is the Temple of the Holy Spirit, and it also can diminish the strength of my will in other areas - I can say that the more I give in, the more I will need to satisfy my craves, and the more unhealthy I become.

 

[GraceDK]

I
I think for many males watching porn is just “a guy thing”. No big deal in their eyes, though married guys are probably a little more thoughtful about it.

Just like sleeping around is just thought to be a human natural thing or killing through abortion is thought of as a morally legitimate action because of its open use, to those who don’t realise that depravity in numbers does nothing to diminish the seriousness of the sins/illnesses.

 

[mcrow]

Just like sleeping around is just thought to be a human natural thing or killing through abortion is thought of as a morally legitimate action because of its open use, to those who don’t realise that depravity in numbers does nothing to diminish the seriousness of the sins/illnesses.

I agree, I wasn’t saying it was OK, just stating that I think that porn seems socially acceptable in young males these days.

 

[sunnywray]

I think its cheating and disturbing. It makes wives feel inadequate, ugly, unloved and just plain awful. It also underlines the fact that some men look at women as objects, not human beings who also have needs. The man who said women who nag and ask for their husbands to particpate in household chores deserve men who look at porn, sounds a little immature to me. Also a problem is having that stuff around with children/adolescents in the home, they find it and it writes on the slate of who they are.
Be a grownup, do the right thing, why would you want to hurt your wife? Selfishness.

 

[whm]

Be a grownup, do the right thing, why would you want to hurt your wife?

That is an extremely rational question! Unfortunately we humans are generally not thinking rationally when we sin. In fact we rationalize our sins away. Men/women who do this will fool themselves (or be fooled) that they are not cheating or hurting their spouse. For the “addict”, it can be very tough, since the strong feeling/desire is almost instantaneous(at least for males), it can start with no apparent provocation before they even look at the porn. Yes it certainly feels like cheating, but then calling an addict a cheater when they are struggling so hard to stop it can be quite demoralizing. The reality is an addict who is trying to stop is in a spiritual battle that many should hope they never have to fight. What they someday may realize is that by defeating this, continually turning back to God, is that they have experienced a higher level of certainty in their faith, they fought (or are fighting) a most difficult battle for God’s sake. They have a great appreciation for God’s Mercy and a realization that they can do nothing good apart from God’s Grace.

It is also important to understand that they may have be in the situation due to exposure to immoral material over a lifetime starting while a child.

It gets really scary when one stops rationalizing, accept that its a sin and do it anyway, that when the devil has won the battle for their souls (for the moment at least). A sense of defeat or hopelessness is one path to this. This is why am am cautious when using the word “Cheater” with porn addicts, at least those who want to stop.

 

[prayers19]

i think if he has an addictive personality evently he will cheat if not in therapy to correct his behaviors.

 

[Meg120]

^^see thread title

I mean habitually engaged, not coming clean to his wife or trying to stop, and already descended into looking at the REALLY perverted stuff like lesbianism, etc.

I am not lesbian, but I find this offensive. God created people homosexual and heterosexual alike. We are to respect the human dignity of ALL people. Just thought you should keep this in mind.

 

[Havard]

I think its cheating and disturbing. It makes wives feel inadequate, ugly, unloved and just plain awful. It also underlines the fact that some men look at women as objects, not human beings who also have needs. The man who said women who nag and ask for their husbands to particpate in household chores deserve men who look at porn, sounds a little immature to me. Also a problem is having that stuff around with children/adolescents in the home, they find it and it writes on the slate of who they are.
Be a grownup, do the right thing, why would you want to hurt your wife? Selfishness.

FYI, that “immature man” is a woman, and, according to her profile, is at least 55.

Further, you seem to have missed her point about nagging. She never said it justified porn.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

The husband who looks at porn may not take the next step of having sexual intercourse with other women, but regardless, he will most likely cause a lot of heartache to his wife.

And the wife who wears sexually provocative clothing exposing her “goodies” for every stranger to see may not take the next step of having sexual intercourse with other men, but regardless, she is very likely to cause her husband a lot of heartache.

 

[rose2]

I don’t think they are the same thing. Some will do both. some will do one and not the other. Both are destructive to a marriage.

 

[bmaj]

^^see thread title

I mean habitually engaged, not coming clean to his wife or trying to stop, and already descended into looking at the REALLY perverted stuff like lesbianism, etc.

Is such a man generally the same type who wouldn’t hesitate to cheat on his wife if he thought he could get away with it? No, it’s not me it’s just that over time I’ve noticed a lot of red flags with somebody else for whom (unfortunately) any such problems would end up being my business as well.

I truly don’t know, but as a wife whose marriage has been devastated by her husband’s porn use, either way it’s a very large red flag. I would think it would be even more of a red flag the more violent or perverted the porn is. Even if he doesn’t end up cheating on his wife with another ACTUAL woman, he has already cheated on her in a very REAL way and completely destroyed her trust in him and their marriage. It’s very hard to recapture trust, and unfortunately some people (male or female) wouldn’t even care to try, which can help account for the high divorce rate. If your friend isn’t married yet to the man in question, my recommendation would be to run in the other direction… NOW…and don’t look back. Not worth it AT ALL.