Are my discipline tactics bad?

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My thread about my 14-year-old was locked. I have read all the responses and taken them to heart. Many of them were difficult to hear, but I have taken them to heart.

These threads have led me to question many things about myself, my husband, and our way of dealing with our children. I’d genuinely like your opinions on a few examples of our parenting techniques:
  1. My sixth grader was sullen and in a bad mood one day. I asked her to tell me what was bothering her and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I asked her again what was bothering her, and she would not tell me. I gently told her she was disobeying me by not telling me what was bothering her and so she finally told me.
  2. My sixth grader is what I would describe as devout. She loves to go to Mass, is an altar server, and participates in other ministries. She talks frequently about the saints and acknowledges their feast days. I think this is a good thing but I also am afraid it is distracting her from her schoolwork. She is currently struggling in math and science. Recently she commented to me that she visits the chapel every morning at school. I told her that while it’s good to be religious, it would also be good if she could put that kind of effort into math and science, since math and science is, well, life.
  3. My second grader takes piano lessons. She gets defiant when I tell her it’s time to practice. I told her that her father works very hard to make money for our family, and she was essentially throwing the hard earned money paid for the lessons in the fireplace by not practicing.
 
Xantippe’s post blew mine out of the water. Read hers, not mine haha.
 
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Bananas said:
My sixth grader was sullen and in a bad mood one day. I asked her to tell me what was bothering her and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I asked her again what was bothering her, and she would not tell me. I gently told her she was disobeying me by not telling me what was bothering her and so she finally told me.
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That is awful parenting. It is also setting her up to be preyed upon and abused. Your right as a parent is not to know her every thought. Eventually she will learn how to act (more) fake so she is not forced to tell you.
Bananas said:
My sixth grader is what I would describe as devout. She loves to go to Mass, is an altar server, and participates in other ministries. She talks frequently about the saints and acknowledges their feast days. I think this is a good thing but I also am afraid it is distracting her from her schoolwork. She is currently struggling in math and science. Recently she commented to me that she visits the chapel every morning at school. I told her that while it’s good to be religious, it would also be good if she could put that kind of effort into math and science, since math and science is, well, life.
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Why? Your kid is following her passions. You would be better off encouraging her passions and showing them how they would apply to her following her dreams…like how the Daughters of St. Paul run their own business…and that almost all orders require college.
Bananas said:
My second grader takes piano lessons. She gets defiant when I tell her it’s time to practice. I told her that her father works very hard to make money for our family, and she was essentially throwing the hard earned money paid for the lessons in the fireplace by not practicing.
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This is cruel and is edging close to emotional abuse. She’s in SECOND grade. She’s a very young child. Of course, she doesn’t want to practice! You cannot force her to be grateful. Have you tried sitting on the bench with her the entire time she practices? Spend time with her. How much piano do you play? If you can’t play sit down and have her “teach” you. I doubt she’s playing anything that is earth shattering.
 
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Here’s some ways to try and change your behavior

The 1 to 10 rule-

Each day you have 10 things that matter. One is the most important all the way down to 10. I would suggest that you get 10, period, not per kid. So if your daughter is being sulky and it is the MOST important thing your entire day for her to tell you why than you let her know that. If it’s the most important thing in her life not to tell you than you find a way to make that work. This may be sulking in her bedroom, this may be extra chores, this may be calling someone who you both agree is a good 3rd party to talk to. Same with the little one and piano. Is her practicing really the most important part of your day? Probably not. My guess is that as a second grader getting to watch TV or play is going to be far more important than skipping practice.

Find their currency

If they like something find how to use it–don’t just threaten to take it.

Build their support network

Yeah. This means letting them have other adults they trust. That you also trust.
 
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Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
Unfortunately, many people who are bullies and cruel think that they are excellent parents.

Just read the other threads.
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So you are saying my husband and I are bullies? We are trying to teach our children. It is our job as parents to give them constructive criticism and tell them when they are doing something wrong.
 
Bananas said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
Unfortunately, many people who are bullies and cruel think that they are excellent parents.

Just read the other threads.
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So you are saying my husband and I are bullies? We are trying to teach our children. It is our job as parents to give them constructive criticism and tell them when they are doing something wrong.
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You might not see it now, but what you are doing is not “constructive criticism”. It’s heavy-handed and emotionally cruel and it’s boarding on abuse. You’re reacting to normal things and making them earth-shattering. You resort to hyperbole on a regular basis that is not normal or healthy. You tell a young kid she’s burning her father’s money because she doesn’t want to practice. You aren’t even paying for her to practice you’re paying for lessons. You threaten their animals. You forbid them navigating friendships on their own. You don’t want them to show admiration and affection for other adults. That’s really, really bad.

I think you’re starting to see that, but you still don’t understand just how bad it is.
 
Dr. Ray Guarendi has a good book on parenting. Look him up. He has good ideas and he makes you think.
 
I did. That’s what made me think they were troll posts. The threat to take away a pet for bad grades was unbelievable.

I hope this is a troll—or God help those children.
 
I wasn’t referring to her thread in particular but the others where we have parents micromanaging their teen into bizarre situations and parents who think that threatening to kick out a 3 day postpartum teen for not giving the gritty details of the pregnancy in a slug down is ok
 
I think this type of parenting is very common among parents. You want what is good for your children and you discipline them. I can see your intention, which is mostly they should follow the rule and ideal you set for them - study comes first and even the piano lesson, which is surely a good skill to have.

You enforce them by explaining the effort you and husband go through so that they can have what they have.

I have no objection to this style of parenting and hopefully your children will obey you and able to do their work well.

Perhaps try to put more ‘love’ to it and be their friends as well.
 
Your 6th grader doesn’t want to tell you what she’s thinking because she doesn’t trust you to be supportive of her feelings or helpful toward her situation. The situation you described doesn’t require discipline. You do not have a right to your child’s inner thoughts. The correct way to handle the situation would be to tell her that you notice she seems upset about something and that she can tell you if she wants, or tell her dad, or maybe a trusted adult like a grandma. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help with the situation. However, given your past, it is unlikely that she’d believe you if you had said that. You’ll probably have to say it a whole lot of times before she’ll believe you. At this point, the best thing you could do is approach her and say, “I’m sorry I said those things. I was wrong. You have a right to privacy. I just want you to know that if you need me, I’m here for you.” Maybe give her one of her favorite candy bars or something. In the future, if your daughter’s mood is effecting her behavior to the point where discipline is required, address the specific behavior that is crossing a boundary. Don’t demand to be privy to her private thoughts.

And whose “life” is math and science? Not mine! There are a great many people who do not use advanced math or science in their careers or daily lives. That argument is complete bunk. Besides her relationship with God is EVERLASTING life. Do you think they care about your pre-algebra grade in heaven? For the love of God, don’t go after her time in chapel or kill her goldfish! Those aren’t “distractions”. Either she’s having difficulty with the curriculum in those subjects, or she’d just unmotivated. As you were told in the last thread, you need to find out why she is struggling in those areas and address those specific issues.

You need to turn off the guilt trips. They are emotionally abusive and they’re obviously not working. If your daughter is not practicing the piano, you have two options. If you just signed her up for lessons because you thought she’d like them and you’re okay with her quitting the lessons, tell her that she is free to choose another activity that she finds more engaging, but that you aren’t willing to continue to pay for the lessons unless she is willing to do her part and practice. None of this “your father works so hard…” crap. If it is important to you that she learns to be at least proficient on the piano, discuss appropriate practice goals with her teacher and require your daughter to say on the bench until she completes what her teacher has asked her to practice. Again, no need for the guilt trip. She’s nine. Turn off the TV. Take away the phone. When she realizes that she has nothing else to do but practice, and assuming you are consistent, she will eventually give up the arguing. I would also recommend that she be allowed to choose some repertoire that she finds fun to play and motivating for her, if possible, even a little challenging for her. No one wants to play nothing but exercises and lame etudes that are 100 years old. Let her pick some pop music or Disney songs that she enjoys and use that as motivation.
 
A second grader can’t understand the value of money. They just can’t. Even if your daughter loved to practice piano, that wouldn’t mean she understood the value of money.

So it does no good to tell her that she’s ungrateful because she doesn’t understand what no child her age understands. Her unwillingness to practice needs to be addressed, but you need to understand that it isn’t a question of gratitude

Many of your family’s issues seem to proceed from you expecting your children to act like mature adults. Children need to learn maturity, but being upset with them for not already having it won’t teach them.
 
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Blessings,
Your forgiven for any mistakes. God and Love sees us through our foolishness. There is a better way to raise & educate a child. But, it works for some children but not all. Structure has to be clear. Repetition, is important. Doing tasks together w kids is best. Chores are important! Reward system should be agreed upon. STICK TO IT! New thinking is,make a contract w kid, spell out do’s & dont’s and consequences. It is not time to have kid THINK about program. They can’t incorporate rules into their little minds w reasoning. DO IT!
Our World now has school shootings, early sexuality, Drug abuse, etc. All shootings were vengeance for hurts. No parents knew stuff was going on the kids. So, be involved! Work out a trust system w kids for sharing ugly behaviors st school. Check blogs. Know the friends your kids have and stop friendships, if person pulls your kid down to act up or drop grades in school=prevent further contact. (I tried bringing weird kids in house to meet them. I maybe could have a positive effect on troubled kids? My kid would sneak out w them anyway.?). Bad approach!
Create an environment where you and your children are best friends but parent. Get kids to want to open up & share.
Be as nosy as you need to protect your children in a horrible world. 3200 spaces
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
Your 12 year old daughter was cranky, I mean were you never a 12 year old?

Bullying her into telling you what’s wrong is only going to encourage her to keep her feelings from you in the long term. Giving her space may have encouraged her to open up to you more fully in her own time.
 
Bananas said:
My thread about my 14-year-old was locked. I have read all the responses and taken them to heart. Many of them were difficult to hear, but I have taken them to heart.

These threads have led me to question many things about myself, my husband, and our way of dealing with our children. I’d genuinely like your opinions on a few examples of our parenting techniques:
  1. My sixth grader was sullen and in a bad mood one day. I asked her to tell me what was bothering her and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I asked her again what was bothering her, and she would not tell me. I gently told her she was disobeying me by not telling me what was bothering her and so she finally told me.
Click to expand...
You are training her to withhold herself from you. Child or not, asking for a person’s inner thoughts is extremely personal, especially when you demand it from them. Think about how you would feel in that situation.

2. My sixth grader is what I would describe as devout. She loves to go to Mass, is an altar server, and participates in other ministries. She talks frequently about the saints and acknowledges their feast days. I think this is a good thing but I also am afraid it is distracting her from her schoolwork. She is currently struggling in math and science. Recently she commented to me that she visits the chapel every morning at school. I told her that while it’s good to be religious, it would also be good if she could put that kind of effort into math and science, since math and science is, well, life.
Click to expand...

That seems quite cruel if she is genuinely struggling in those subjects. Her devotion is something keeping her alive, in terms of having joy in her life.

3. My second grader takes piano lessons. She gets defiant when I tell her it’s time to practice. I told her that her father works very hard to make money for our family, and she was essentially throwing the hard earned money paid for the lessons in the fireplace by not practicing.
Click to expand...

That seems quite cruel to a 2nd grader. Nobody asked her to take piano lessons and she might not have much enthusiasm for it.
 
  1. Is borderline abusive. Children are people, not automatons. You don’t have a right to know their every thought.
  2. I don’t have an opinion on
  3. Did your child request lessons? Or are they being forced upon the child? Because forcing piano lessons is a great way to make sure your child hates the piano the rest of their life. If the lessons are asked, then I think you spoke fairly. But if the child doesn’t want to practice, the right thing to do is cancel lessons so you aren’t wasting your money.
 
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