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OsculeturMeOsculo
Guest
Science and math in school is usually never used in real life.
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Bananas
Guest
I don’t? I am her mother! I told her to do something (tell me what she was worried about) and she didn’t! Is this not disobedience?
I feel like these suggestions are to sit back and do nothing! Is it not my responsibility to teach my children?
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Bananas
Guest
The concern is that she spends too much time thinking about religion that there is not enough time to pay attention to her schoolwork.
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Bananas
Guest
As I said, I am afraid she spends too much time and mental energy on religion and her fish and therefore doesn’t have enough left over to do her schoolwork. What do you suggest doing if this is indeed true?
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Legend
Guest
You are setting your kids up for emotional shutdowns!
Think: What would you do, if somebody took advantage every time you showed love, interest, or concern for something?
If the person had any power over you, wouldn’t you just try to hide your feelings?
And, that’s just what your daughters are going to do, to save themselves, and those they care for-from you!!!
You’ve already incorporated the cruel method of using their passions, interests, and things and people they love-as weapons.
So, the next time one makes a new friend, gets a new passion, or finds an adult authority figure they can trust, they will do their best to hide the fact from you. 12-year-old has a personal problem she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you? Learn how not to show her feelings. If one makes friends with an effective ‘mentor’(usually a teacher or coach) ? Hide the fact…if/when it can no longer be concealed, make light of it-in front og you.
Many parents would give so much to have a child as devoted to her faith as your middle daughter…but you think it’s not as important as her grades in math and science!
Every passion every tender spot in their hearts, that you know of, you’ve used as weapons! Yes, there is something wrong in your child rearing methods…you belittle and use what is most important to them, and make it all about yourselves!
You need help…do you have any empathy? I’m afraid that all I see is selfishness, self-importance, and taking three warm loving, healthy young girls…and turning them into nervous wrecks, learning, by necessity, to hide their feelings in self-defense!
Get some counseling…for yourselves. That is, if you can resist the temptation to inform your daughters that it’s expensive-and all their fault!
If they have college funds, no you’re not morally entitled to take the money to pay for your counselor!
Think: What would you do, if somebody took advantage every time you showed love, interest, or concern for something?
If the person had any power over you, wouldn’t you just try to hide your feelings?
And, that’s just what your daughters are going to do, to save themselves, and those they care for-from you!!!
You’ve already incorporated the cruel method of using their passions, interests, and things and people they love-as weapons.
So, the next time one makes a new friend, gets a new passion, or finds an adult authority figure they can trust, they will do their best to hide the fact from you. 12-year-old has a personal problem she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you? Learn how not to show her feelings. If one makes friends with an effective ‘mentor’(usually a teacher or coach) ? Hide the fact…if/when it can no longer be concealed, make light of it-in front og you.
Many parents would give so much to have a child as devoted to her faith as your middle daughter…but you think it’s not as important as her grades in math and science!
Every passion every tender spot in their hearts, that you know of, you’ve used as weapons! Yes, there is something wrong in your child rearing methods…you belittle and use what is most important to them, and make it all about yourselves!
You need help…do you have any empathy? I’m afraid that all I see is selfishness, self-importance, and taking three warm loving, healthy young girls…and turning them into nervous wrecks, learning, by necessity, to hide their feelings in self-defense!
Get some counseling…for yourselves. That is, if you can resist the temptation to inform your daughters that it’s expensive-and all their fault!
If they have college funds, no you’re not morally entitled to take the money to pay for your counselor!
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Rozellelily
Guest
Regarding the second grader-if she isn’t interested in playing the piano then I think it’s better not to force her.
It’s good to want your kids to be appreciative of thing and be aware that there are others lesser off,but if you have to motivate her to practice then it doesn’t sound like she’s interested.
It should come from joy and not a “task” that she has to do.
Perhaps you could use that money to help her learn about charity by donating that money to a charity or to a child in poverty to have piano (or other music) lessons.
Regarding number 1:
I don’t think you should tell her that she’s disobeying you but instead should try to gain her trust by being trustworthy and an understanding ear.
Hopefully that way she will naturally want to tell you what’s wrong.
Regarding number 3:
To me personally it seems like a good thing that you want her to be balanced between religion and school studies.
At the same time though,not everyone is naturally good at maths and science and just because we live in a culture that makes those subjects “life” doesn’t mean that this is right or that we shouldn’t challenge that.
It’s good to want your kids to be appreciative of thing and be aware that there are others lesser off,but if you have to motivate her to practice then it doesn’t sound like she’s interested.
It should come from joy and not a “task” that she has to do.
Perhaps you could use that money to help her learn about charity by donating that money to a charity or to a child in poverty to have piano (or other music) lessons.
Regarding number 1:
I don’t think you should tell her that she’s disobeying you but instead should try to gain her trust by being trustworthy and an understanding ear.
Hopefully that way she will naturally want to tell you what’s wrong.
Regarding number 3:
To me personally it seems like a good thing that you want her to be balanced between religion and school studies.
At the same time though,not everyone is naturally good at maths and science and just because we live in a culture that makes those subjects “life” doesn’t mean that this is right or that we shouldn’t challenge that.
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ConfusedLucy
Guest
The problem is this teaches her the wrong thing, it teaches her that it is safer for her to hide her emotions around you.
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Lou2U
Guest
You need to get family therapy because clearly you don’t understand what these tactics are doing to your children.
No. 1 is emotional manipulation. You forced her to tell you something and threatened her in order to do it. You do not have a right to your children’s every thought.
No 2 is again emotional manipulation. You focus on academics so much you don’t allow your daughter to have any joy in her life. Everything she does you want to link back to her difficulties in maths and science. Seriously, you need to backtrack on this. What you said was completely irrelevant to the discussion at hand and it was also mean.
No 3 = emotional manipulation, sadly. Stop emphasising material goods over all else and threatening her with ingratitude if she doesn’t do exactly as you wish.
Your husband and you are emotionally blackmailing your children. You use guilt trips to get them to conform to your standards which is awful parenting. You overreact when they don’t act exactly as you want them to. Family therapy is needed to work on this. Your children deserve to have parents who are interested in them for them, not for their skill in academics or because they want to control them.
No one is saying you should do nothing. But what you are doing isn’t working and you need to fix it. Your daughters not telling you something is not breaking a commandment, not doing well in a subject doesn’t mean they need to be constantly reminded of it and unwillingness to practise doesn’t mean they are ungrateful.
Please get some help with this, before it’s too late to repair what has been done.
No. 1 is emotional manipulation. You forced her to tell you something and threatened her in order to do it. You do not have a right to your children’s every thought.
No 2 is again emotional manipulation. You focus on academics so much you don’t allow your daughter to have any joy in her life. Everything she does you want to link back to her difficulties in maths and science. Seriously, you need to backtrack on this. What you said was completely irrelevant to the discussion at hand and it was also mean.
No 3 = emotional manipulation, sadly. Stop emphasising material goods over all else and threatening her with ingratitude if she doesn’t do exactly as you wish.
Your husband and you are emotionally blackmailing your children. You use guilt trips to get them to conform to your standards which is awful parenting. You overreact when they don’t act exactly as you want them to. Family therapy is needed to work on this. Your children deserve to have parents who are interested in them for them, not for their skill in academics or because they want to control them.
No one is saying you should do nothing. But what you are doing isn’t working and you need to fix it. Your daughters not telling you something is not breaking a commandment, not doing well in a subject doesn’t mean they need to be constantly reminded of it and unwillingness to practise doesn’t mean they are ungrateful.
Please get some help with this, before it’s too late to repair what has been done.
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Bananas
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I really do appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut. Can you tell me though, in what way I threatened her in this instance?
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Lou2U
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You told her if she didn’t say what was wrong, she was disobeying you because she didn’t respond in the way you wanted. That’s a threat - “if you don’t tell me you’re disobedient”. If she hadn’t said, would you have punished her in some way? That’s also a threat hanging over her head. The reality is she didn’t have to tell you. You really should have left it when she said she didn’t want to talk about it.
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JulianN
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This still feels like trolling to me. OP, if there’s any chance this is real, get to a family therapist. You, not the kids. (Although they may need therapy to deal with your behavior)
However, I think this is a set-up.
However, I think this is a set-up.
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Maximilian75
Guest
Tell her that she can glorify God through doing her schoolwork well.
Additionally, maybe just ask her why she isint doing her schoolwork well. Reach out to her. Converse with her.
Additionally, maybe just ask her why she isint doing her schoolwork well. Reach out to her. Converse with her.
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redbaron162
Guest
I think some good comments have already been made but I will pick one particular part to comment and that’s the “Math and science is life” part. I totally disagree. For one as a previous history teacher obviously history is life! (I am just kidding…partially)
On a serious note, math and science are not life. They are important subjects and the student should be encouraged to strive to do well in them as in all subjects but overall reading and writing skills are going to be of more use in most professions than math and science. Also as we know Jesus Christ is life! I would greatly prefer my children be passionate about their faith and struggle with math and science any day. We will not be judged at our death based on our knowledge of math and science. Saint Bernadette Soubirous struggled very much with her schooling and couldn’t read but the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared to her and the rest is history and she’s a saint now.
I am not saying that nothing matters but religion but we as Christians should seek to have a healthy perspective on things. My job as a parent is to help my child get to heaven, not to college.
I would say that I have a most positive outlook on discipline than others and am totally for taking away privileges and spanking etc…, however positive reinforcement and investing your time should always be sought out first when appropriate. Your children care about things when they see you care about it. Like another poster said sit down with your child at the piano and don’t just watch but seek to play with her, if you don’t know how to play then learn together. Now its not just learning a skill but bonding time as well.
On a serious note, math and science are not life. They are important subjects and the student should be encouraged to strive to do well in them as in all subjects but overall reading and writing skills are going to be of more use in most professions than math and science. Also as we know Jesus Christ is life! I would greatly prefer my children be passionate about their faith and struggle with math and science any day. We will not be judged at our death based on our knowledge of math and science. Saint Bernadette Soubirous struggled very much with her schooling and couldn’t read but the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared to her and the rest is history and she’s a saint now.
I am not saying that nothing matters but religion but we as Christians should seek to have a healthy perspective on things. My job as a parent is to help my child get to heaven, not to college.
I would say that I have a most positive outlook on discipline than others and am totally for taking away privileges and spanking etc…, however positive reinforcement and investing your time should always be sought out first when appropriate. Your children care about things when they see you care about it. Like another poster said sit down with your child at the piano and don’t just watch but seek to play with her, if you don’t know how to play then learn together. Now its not just learning a skill but bonding time as well.
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Reuben_J
Guest
I agree. It seems there was a thread by the OP before this, which I didn’t see. But there’s nothing wrong for parents to set priorities for their children. In this case, study is the priority as long as they are children who should study. Reading her OP, she seems to be quite reasonable about it.
Parents cannot just allow children to go their way without the guidance of the parents. Perhaps there are differences in bringing up children. Asian parents tend to be more strict on education, perhaps from their culture where education is the key to successful life.
While study is the thing that children should do, faith belief is a way of life for Catholics. They have their place in the family.
Parents cannot just allow children to go their way without the guidance of the parents. Perhaps there are differences in bringing up children. Asian parents tend to be more strict on education, perhaps from their culture where education is the key to successful life.
While study is the thing that children should do, faith belief is a way of life for Catholics. They have their place in the family.
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Allegra
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You don’t. She is an independent human being. You have no right to demand her to tell you why she feels sad. She might not even know herself, and even if she does, she doesn’t want to be judged for it. Objectively speaking, she did disobey you, but you had no right to demand this of her in the first place. You are not supposed to be emotionally abusive to your children. If that isn’t common sense, it says so in Colossians 3. What I suggest is forming an appropriate emotional relationship with your daughter so that she trusts you enough to tell you important things. That’s hardly doing nothing. And being gloomy in and of itself is not a discipline matter in the first place. If her mood is causing her to cross boundaries with her behavior, then that’s something to address, but you can’t just go up to someone because they aren’t their full extent of perkiness and demand they share their inner most feelings with you. That’s an abuse of your authority.
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Allegra
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Have you set aside a specific period each day to work on homework and provided a reasonable environment for your daughters to do their homework? Organization of time is a skill to develop. One has to learn to balance the different things they need to do, not banish some in favor of others. Have you investigated what specifically is causing your daughter problems in these courses? In your other thread you made it sound like the teachers said she just needs to try harder. That’s a ridiculous answer and you shouldn’t accept that. Is she missing assignments? Is she not participating in classroom discussion or labs? Is she doing alright on the daily work, but chokes on the tests? Was she placed in an advanced class before she had the opportunity to fully master the basic material? Each of these are separate issues that can be addressed once properly identified. Her fish is not going with her to class and unless she’s skipping school to go to the chapel, it’s not her religious activities that are getting in the way. That doesn’t even make sense. The time to focus on her math and science skills is during class and during a pre-planned study time at home. You need to be honest with yourself. You’re trying to use bullying tactics to achieve what you want. For someone who claims to see the importance of science, you aren’t using logic very much when determining appropriate steps to help your daughters be successful. You need to investigate in order to determine the root of the problem (hint: it’s not an aquarium or Jesus), make a focused attempt to resolve those specific issues, and quit using unsuccessful methods like guilt trips.
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Allegra
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I agree that it seems too insane to be real, but if she is a troll, she’s an awfully elaborate one.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Mental energy on her fish? What is she doing? Surgery? Most likely its relaxing for her.Allegra:
As I said, I am afraid she spends too much time and mental energy on religion and her fish and therefore doesn’t have enough left over to do her schoolwork. What do you suggest doing if this is indeed true?
As far as religion, it’s her interest. Why try and work against it? It’s a great interest to have!
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Bananas
Guest
I suppose this was also wrong on my part then. My high schooler’s class had a retreat, and the parents were asked to collect encouraging letters from extended family for the students. The parents were to turn the letters in to the teachers, who would then give them to the students at the retreat. I collected the letters, and read them all before turning them in. This was wrong, I assume?
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Bananas
Guest
The thought of talking to a therapist makes me anxious. It’s hard to p(name removed by moderator)oint why, it just really does. I keep planning to make an appointment but it always gets put on the back burner. I’ve got too many other things on my mind and going on in my life right now.
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