Are my shoes immodest?

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mary77 said:
Your Mom might not like seeing you trying to look stand out at mass, perhaps she wants to see you focused on being unnoticed, humble, before the Lord.
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Whaaaat? The OP had normal clothes on and boots that had heels. How does that make her more noticeable and less humble before the Lord?

“Still her child?” No, still her daughter. But now grown and fully capable of dressing for mass without her mom’s (name removed by moderator)ut. If mom didn’t have anything nice to say, she should have kept it to herself.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Whaaaat? The OP had normal clothes on and boots that had heels. How does that make her more noticeable and less humble before the Lord?
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Her mom obviously associates very high heels with bad morals. It’s understandable given that very high heels are indeed often worn by prostitutes, and in pornography as fetishwear.

I personally don’t have a problem with very high heels, but if you were raised to think they are not a respectable look, and your daughter shows up wanting to wear them to church, then you’re going to object to that.
 
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Well, that’s what the mom thinks, and I see that as her own problem. She shouldn’t be putting that on her daughter.
 
Well, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not her mom and she’s not your daughter. We get the parental relationships we get, for better or worse, and no one is perfect.

I had my “moments” with my mom too, but I’ll be darned if I ever would have put up with anyone outside my family telling me my mom was wrong. I’d have gotten in their face. I had a boyfriend before the boyfriend I mentioned, who decided he was going to give my mom a lecture on my behalf. I got rid of him in a hurry. My mom could be a real handful, but I loved her just the same. We only have one mom.
 
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I mean, I don’t disagree. My mom comes out with new stuff all the time too. But at this point the fact that she comes out with new stuff doesn’t surprise me (and certainly not to the point of tears, as the OP described). And some stuff just isn’t new, and among that category for me is “appearance based commentary”. So my mom can totally make me cry, yeah… but not with a wardrobe comment.

I’m probably posting irrelevant comments at this point, though. What affects one person one way affects another person differently (I’m sure I might cry at things the OP wouldn’t). Maybe the OP has always lived up to her mom’s appearance expectations before, and this was her first time accidentally wearing something her mom took serious issue with.

I was just surprised that a ‘Mom critiquing clothing’ moment would still hit a married 25 year old so hard, but that part’s probably not worth me continuing to talk about. It’s not my business and not what the OP asked, and feelings are feelings.
 
Hawkeye916 said:
Her words and attitude to me made me cry and honestly not want to go to mass with them
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Is this unusual for your mother? I mean, my mother did that sort of thing, but she did it all my life! But the way you are writing about it made me wonder if this was unusual.

Especially since even I (60+) would not have thought there was anything wrong with what you were wearing and I have a reputation with my daughters for being very old-fashioned when it comes to clothing 😉

If this kind of behavior is new, especially if it continues, I’d mention it to your father as it is something her doctor should definitely know about. It could be any number of things, including a bad reaction to medication, but still important.
 
No disrespect intended, but how does your mother think she knows what “prostitutes” wear on their feet?

Seems she doesn’t respect the fact that you’re an adult and you have a perfect right to make your own choices, whether she agrees with them or not. It isn’t her place, at this stage in your life, to be dictating your wardrobe to you.

I had a really humiliating experience with my own mother when I was 30 years old. We were on a vacation, just her and me, in San Francisco together. We were using a public restroom, and there was another lady in it. When I exited the stall, I was heading straight for the wash basins. But, Mama couldn’t wait for me to get there. Instead, she blurted out in front of this other lady, “Wash you hands!”, as though I was a five-year-old who needed to be told that! The other lady could see that I was mortified as I walked up to the sink and started washing, which I was on my way to doing, anyway. If Mama had ONLY kept her mouth shut! She never understood the amount of embarrassment and anguish her thoughtlessness had caused me in those moments.

I guess our mothers never get over our being their little kids, even when we’ve been grown-ups for a very long time.

Don’t worry about those boots. They cover your feet nicely, they’re actually quite conservative. And try to ignore your mother’s comments, if you can.

I am wondering if she would listen to you if you did try to talk it out with her. Often, a parent who is overly critical and inconsiderate like that also refuses to listen when called out on it, even respectfully. Then again, she might have been unaware of how deeply it affected you, and you both might benefit from the honest communication. It’s worth a try – just don’t get your hopes up too high.

How did she respond to making you cry? This borders almost on cruelty.
 
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“Oh mom, I must hang out with different prostitutes than the ones you do.”
 
I should add that those who don’t understand how comments like that can be hurtful to a 25-year-old married daughter need to consider that the more we love someone, the more cutting such put-downs can be. It’s because they’re close to the heart that they draw emotional blood.
 
The outfit you described is modest, including those boots. The only comment as a mother I’d possibly make, would be along the lines of “Your back won’t thank you for that high a heel in years to come” assuming you wear high heels daily.

I can remember wearing red patent leather ( 😱) strappy high heel shoes out dancing, with heels that were only about 3.5 inch high … … and I loved wearing them 😉 … … says one who has lower & upper back issues.
 
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Lea101 said:
Is there even a pair of immodest shoes out there?
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Well, financially immodest, I suppose.
Showing off and one-upmanship is the opposite of modesty, after all.

As to the OP’s question (which is another matter), giving unsolicited advice to another adult isn’t exactly modest, either. It is OK to meet unsolicited advice with, “I will take that into consideration, but frankly I didn’t ask for (name removed by moderator)ut. That is the kind of comment that can hurt a person’s feelings, and as it turns out, I am a person. I’m on my way to Mass, I don’t have another pair of shoes, and so what was that comment going to accomplish?..Well, I understand you are interested in my welfare, but this isn’t the time.”

This is something to play by ear with your mom, but drawing the line that says you expect to be given the same respect as any other adult is something you work out with a parent over time. She didn’t teach you her boundaries in a day, and you won’t teach yours in a day, either. Patience, patience, patience.
Mrchatsworth said:
You are 25 and married. It seems there is an unhealthy relationship with your mom if you are fighting about your shoes and Mass.
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This is the kind of thing that is both unhealthy and yet very common, especially between mothers and their daughters and between fathers and their sons. Sometimes, the parents get a domineering idea of what the honor due to parents entails and just haven’t digested the reality that their children deserve to be given the respect of adults and have the authority to insist on it.
 
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As a guy who has struggled a lot with impurity in the past I’m quite a stickler when it comes to modesty, but I can honestly say that those shoes are in no way immodest, in my opinion. As a matter of fact I don’t think an immodest shoe exists… It’s other areas of the body that are relevant when it comes to modesty.
God bless you for being conscious of modesty, btw. 🙂
I could be wrong though. Maybe your mother has some point, but I don’t see it.
 
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