Are naked and/or bikini shots of women a sin

[justamon]

History: hubby has history (2007) of porn usage which landed us in counseling. Made me insecure and feel inadequate. Not internet but dvds.

Fast forward: Hubby and I have been in marriage counseling since April for other reasons. So one day he is showing me his FB page and I see he liked this page that is only for men. Has muscle cars but most young hot chicks with boobs and rear. I didn’t like it then but didn’t pursue it. So the last month or so we have been really having problems and his ED is back. He had also been refusing me up until several days ago. He has had 2 physicals and takes Viagra. So last week I went on his FB page to copy a pic of him with our boys. I come across thois page with breasts hanging out. So I text him and nicely ask him to please not like those pages out of respect for me. He becomes furious, we fight and it ends up with him telling me he wants a divorce. So we didn’t talk for 2 days. Saturday while he was in the shower, I searched the history on his iphone and although I didn’t find porn, I sae he went on this website known for lowriders and girls. While he was in shower I asked him if he was looking at naked girls online. He denied it but by the look on his face I could tell he was lying. I told him even if I had proof he was going to lie? He insisted he had not and asked me to show him. I showed him and he still denied it. So of course we fought and he insists his friend sent him the link. I told him I know he’s not on there for the cars because he doesn’t like lowriders! The fight got ugly and I couldn’t make him understand how even looking at hot chicks in bikinis make me feel and bring back those old feelings. He doesn’t understand!

So, is it a sin on his end? Am I wrong?

We have counseling tomorrow and I need to explain to him without fighting why I feel the way I do. He tells me “I’ve never SAID anything to you to make you feel this way.” Correct, it is what you have done, not said. Please help.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I won’t click the like button on Facebook because it will share what you’ve liked with your friends. If he won’t stop because it bothers you, maybe if you point that out you can get him to stop because he’s embarrassing himself.

 

[justamon]

That’s the least of my worries because he says all guys do it! My question is this: Is it a sin for him to go on these sites specifically to look at these girls?

 

[edwest2]

That’s the least of my worries because he says all guys do it! My question is this: Is it a sin for him to go on these sites specifically to look at these girls?

Yes, since we are not supposed to do that.

“2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.”

2521 Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden. It is ordered to chastity to whose sensitivity it bears witness. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity.

2522 Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one’s choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet.

2523 There is a modesty of the feelings as well as of the body. It protests, for example, against the voyeuristic explorations of the human body in certain advertisements, or against the solicitations of certain media that go too far in the exhibition of intimate things. Modesty inspires a way of life which makes it possible to resist the allurements of fashion and the pressures of prevailing ideologies.

• Catechism of the Catholic Church

It is sad that women, in particular, are brainwashed into thinking that exposing 90% of their skin is somehow OK. And men are more reactive to this sort of stimulation than women.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Ad_Orientem]

He shouldn’t be looking at those images at all, but particularly for three reasons – 1) near occasion of sin; 2) he has a history of porn, which makes it more like a sure occasion of sin; 3) out of respect for you, his wife. God grant you strength and soften his heart.

 

[justamon]

He shouldn’t be looking at those images at all, but particularly for three reasons – 1) near occasion of sin; 2) he has a history of porn, which makes it more like a sure occasion of sin; 3) out of respect for you, his wife. God grant you strength and soften his heart.

Thank you. My main problem is that our counselor is not a Christian cpunselor and will not advise as you have done. I am going to make an appointment with our Priest again.

 

[awsiukiewicz]

History: hubby has history (2007) of porn usage which landed us in counseling. Made me insecure and feel inadequate. Not internet but dvds.

Fast forward: Hubby and I have been in marriage counseling since April for other reasons. So one day he is showing me his FB page and I see he liked this page that is only for men. Has muscle cars but most young hot chicks with boobs and rear. I didn’t like it then but didn’t pursue it. So the last month or so we have been really having problems and his ED is back. He had also been refusing me up until several days ago. He has had 2 physicals and takes Viagra. So last week I went on his FB page to copy a pic of him with our boys. I come across thois page with breasts hanging out. So I text him and nicely ask him to please not like those pages out of respect for me. He becomes furious, we fight and it ends up with him telling me he wants a divorce. So we didn’t talk for 2 days. Saturday while he was in the shower, I searched the history on his iphone and although I didn’t find porn, I sae he went on this website known for lowriders and girls. While he was in shower I asked him if he was looking at naked girls online. He denied it but by the look on his face I could tell he was lying. I told him even if I had proof he was going to lie? He insisted he had not and asked me to show him. I showed him and he still denied it. So of course we fought and he insists his friend sent him the link. I told him I know he’s not on there for the cars because he doesn’t like lowriders! The fight got ugly and I couldn’t make him understand how even looking at hot chicks in bikinis make me feel and bring back those old feelings. He doesn’t understand!

So, is it a sin on his end? Am I wrong?

We have counseling tomorrow and I need to explain to him without fighting why I feel the way I do. He tells me “I’ve never SAID anything to you to make you feel this way.” Correct, it is what you have done, not said. Please help.

 

[awsiukiewicz]

This internet/dvd porn thing has been more than just a passing problem for marriages…porn imprints on the brain…the individual becomes desensitized to the point of not being aroused by what might be normal intimacy with our spouse. it will take more and more to effect our senses…your husband should avail himself of some therapy…there was a great program on Catholic Answers Radio a while back with a Physician/I think he was a Catholic Psychiatrist…discussing this very topic in much more eloquant terms…please do all you can to help your husband and enourage him to get some help… he’s fooling himself to think that looking at low riders or whatever else is on the internet is o.k. we are bombarded with sexual images everywhere…one can barely watch anything on t.v. which is , generally speaking ‘trash’…anyway…prayers for you and your husband…his ED will disappear when he gets away from the garbage…PAX

 

[goredsox]

Well first off you should respect your husband more by giving him more privacy and not snooping rough his phone. Second looking at those images may be a sin. If he is lusting over these images it may be a sin, if he is using these as a replacement for porn than it may be a sin. However only he and God knows if it is a sin for him. That is strange for a married man to need to look at those.

 

[esieffe]

It is sad that women, in particular, are brainwashed into thinking that exposing 90% of their skin is somehow OK. And men are more reactive to this sort of stimulation than women.

Peace,
Ed

Men play mind games with themselves sometimes over stuff like this.

“I am just admiring the beauty or the creation.” Gosh I wish it were that easy. A woman on the beach walks your way. You think, “she is attractive.” She walks by, your mind goes on to other things, like the Braves or the Hawks. No harm no foul.

You sit behind your laptop after two martinis and you think of the woman on the beach. You want to see a few more. You google. Lust pure and simple. You have the self control not to go further… this time, but what about next time. This is the near occasion of sin.

You have no control over who walks down the beach, you do have control over your laptop. I always know when I commit a mortal sin that I purposely plucked out of a gray area. My ears start tingling [seriously] then I feel the weight on my heart. The I desperately want to go to confession.

Ed is right about the 90% flesh exposure. I can’t know if it is intentional baiting or not, doesn’t matter. If my mind briefly dashes off to lust on a chance encounter like that, I am realistic. It is the near occasion of sin that makes the difference here that and or the obsessing.

 

[justamon]

He shouldn’t be looking at those images at all, but particularly for three reasons – 1) near occasion of sin; 2) he has a history of porn, which makes it more like a sure occasion of sin; 3) out of respect for you, his wife. God grant you strength and soften his heart.

Well first off you should respect your husband more by giving him more privacy and not snooping rough his phone. Second looking at those images may be a sin. If he is lusting over these images it may be a sin, if he is using these as a replacement for porn than it may be a sin. However only he and God knows if it is a sin for him. That is strange for a married man to need to look at those.

His claim is “all men do it.” While it may be true that majority of men do it, I’m not married to them. How the heck do you demand somebody stop from looking at it? I can’t and won’t monitor every second. That will drive me crazy. I need help by tomorrow as we have counseling tomorrow. I need to not sound like a nut over this.

 

[justamon]

This internet/dvd porn thing has been more than just a passing problem for marriages…porn imprints on the brain…the individual becomes desensitized to the point of not being aroused by what might be normal intimacy with our spouse. it will take more and more to effect our senses…your husband should avail himself of some therapy…there was a great program on Catholic Answers Radio a while back with a Physician/I think he was a Catholic Psychiatrist…discussing this very topic in much more eloquant terms…please do all you can to help your husband and enourage him to get some help… he’s fooling himself to think that looking at low riders or whatever else is on the internet is o.k. we are bombarded with sexual images everywhere…one can barely watch anything on t.v. which is , generally speaking ‘trash’…anyway…prayers for you and your husband…his ED will disappear when he gets away from the garbage…PAX

The ED has been an issue since 2006/2007. I don’t think it is related to porn. He has had the two physicals and said he wouldn’t humiliate himself in front of doctors if he were using these images to masturbate to. Which kind of makes sense. He is the one that asked me to make the dr appointment. I just don’t know how to discuss this in counseling tomorrow because I know it will turn into a fight. He believes these images are nothing because “it’s freaking Lowrider Magazine.” I don’t want to waste time arguing in counseling. I need both of them to understand that I cannot go down that road again.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

His claim is “all men do it.” While it may be true that majority of men do it, I’m not married to them. How the heck do you demand somebody stop from looking at it? I can’t and won’t monitor every second. That will drive me crazy. I need help by tomorrow as we have counseling tomorrow. I need to not sound like a nut over this.

Is the counselor male? If so, I’m guessing he doesn’t have sympathy for you because he himself is in the same boat as your husband. Many men feel completely powerless to stop their pornography addictions.

 

[justamon]

Is the counselor male? If so, I’m guessing he doesn’t have sympathy for you because he himself is in the same boat as your husband. Many men feel completely powerless to stop their pornography addictions.

No, the counselor is female. Tomorrow will be the first time this counselor will hear anything about prior porn use and now the bikini chicks.

 

[Hopey]

I live with an addict and we have suffered through much of what you describe (ED) etc.
My husband is working the 12 steps. Did any of your counselors suggest this to him or that he has an addiction?
With an addiction, you can not put yourself in any situation which would break your sobriety. Looking at women in the described manner would be falling and, you have noticed it in other areas of your married life.
I haven’t touched on it being sinful because with an addict, some at least, they would drive over their mother to get whatever is their choice of medicine.
When the male looks at these images, it releases oxy in their brain, much like heroin, and it becomes addictive and they become hooked - to the feeling and pics.
So, it isn’t going to matter much, if they are in the throws, if it is sinful or not.
You are not doing anything wrong and they are sinning against you are your vows. But, it is looked at as a disease and they need help.
An addiction expert would be my first advice.
Dr. Kleponis has a good book on porn addiction.
His site also has info for the wives.
You are in my prayers. This is a life long battle that can be very devastating but, there is hope.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

No, the counselor is female. Tomorrow will be the first time this counselor will hear anything about prior porn use and now the bikini chicks.

Why do you expect her to think it’s not serious?

 

[Hopey]

Also, one thing that may help you, as it did me, is to attend SAA meetings. Mine has mostly wives that are going through the same things.
We pray the Serenity prayer at the beginning of each meeting and there to support each other. And to acknowledge our feelings - we are not alone.

 

[Hopey]

Why do you expect her to think it’s not serious?

Having been there and done that, some counselors do not see viewing porn as anything wrong. It is put back on the wife sometimes as being a prude.
In this area, she does need to be careful as she could end up worse off than when she started looking for help.
I know all too well.

 

[Hopey]

Here is one resource for you:
integrityrestored.com/

My first advice would be finding out if the counselor is trained in addictions. If not, she may back out anyway, knowing her limits. An addiction expert is going to do things that will seem mean to others, but they have to be called out and their feet held to the fire.

If you want to PM me, you can.

 

[justamon]

Having been there and done that, some counselors do not see viewing porn as anything wrong. It is put back on the wife sometimes as being a prude.
In this area, she does need to be careful as she could end up worse off than when she started looking for help.
I know all too well.

A few weeks ago, before knowing anything about porn she suggested we watch them so as to get turned on or try something new. I said we had issue before and it was dropped. I guess that’s what I get for not getting a Christian counselor. We had been discussing our sex life and that my desire is higher than hubby. She said that at our age, I’m 46 and he is 47 it is pretty normal. She was then suggesting different things we could do for our sex life. Hubby is shy, timid and boring in bed. I have been wanting different things but that isn’t his cup of tea. He’s always been like that. I always feel like counseling brings out more garbage.