Are naked and/or bikini shots of women a sin

[Hopey]

Thank you. My main problem is that our counselor is not a Christian cpunselor and will not advise as you have done. I am going to make an appointment with our Priest again.

Ask your priest if he has any experience with addicts, etc.
If not, then do not ask him for help in this area. Just trust me on this.

 

[Hopey]

A few weeks ago, before knowing anything about porn she suggested we watch them so as to get turned on or try something new. I said we had issue before and it was dropped. I guess that’s what I get for not getting a Christian counselor. We had been discussing our sex life and that my desire is higher than hubby. She said that at our age, I’m 46 and he is 47 it is pretty normal. She was then suggesting different things we could do for our sex life. Hubby is shy, timid and boring in bed. I have been wanting different things but that isn’t his cup of tea. He’s always been like that. I always feel like counseling brings out more garbage.

It can bring out more garbage if it isn’t the right kind. Completely agree!
His sex drive is higher than yours but he is probably going to other places to get it fixed.
Think on that for a moment.
We were advised at our EE that porn in marriage could be a good thing by a priest. It is all lies. Do not believe it!
Have him checked out by an addiction expert. The other things will clear up when healing occurs.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

A few weeks ago, before knowing anything about porn she suggested we watch them so as to get turned on or try something new. I said we had issue before and it was dropped. I guess that’s what I get for not getting a Christian counselor. We had been discussing our sex life and that my desire is higher than hubby. She said that at our age, I’m 46 and he is 47 it is pretty normal. She was then suggesting different things we could do for our sex life. Hubby is shy, timid and boring in bed. I have been wanting different things but that isn’t his cup of tea. He’s always been like that. I always feel like counseling brings out more garbage.

She sounds like more of a restaurant waitress than a counselor.

 

[Hopey]

And I will give you a heads up. Some places that deal with them have them take a polygraph because there are reasons. You need to be in a support group, have people to lean on if this is the route you go.
You need to allow yourself the full range of emotions as you find out what your husband has been up to.
Some are not as dark as others.
Just trust me on this.

 

[justamon]

It can bring out more garbage if it isn’t the right kind. Completely agree!
His sex drive is higher than yours but he is probably going to other places to get it fixed.
Think on that for a moment.
We were advised at our EE that porn in marriage could be a good thing by a priest. It is all lies. Do not believe it!
Have him checked out by an addiction expert. The other things will clear up when healing occurs.

My only thing is why would he humiliate himself in front of 3 doctors for ED if he knew darn well that it was caused by other things? I went to the doctor with him on one of those appointments.

So far this week (after being confronted) we have had sex 4 times. Two of those initiated by him.

 

[Hopey]

My only thing is why would he humiliate himself in front of 3 doctors for ED if he knew darn well that it was caused by other things? I went to the doctor with him on one of those appointments.

So far this week (after being confronted) we have had sex 4 times. Two of those initiated by him.

It is just part of it. They are advertising this ED more so they may feel more comfortable dealing with that instead of the real problem.
I look at it like this, how can he get you satisfied and shut up. He may not realize he has a problem nor that one is causing the other.
There are sites out there for men who have ED problems because of porn. Their threshold increases so they need more stuff. Not that he doesn’t love you nor find you attractive. His brain is being rewired.

 

[Hopey]

I’ll give you another resource. Matt Fradd is good but not a dr.
This is something you two could read together.
arlingtondiocese.org/purity/pastoral_letter.aspx
The above is by Bishop Loverde.
But, the Bishops collectively are supposed to address this in a year or two.

 

[Hopey]

And, these places are suggesting Covenant Eyes.
I would suggest, before you get a diagnosis, Safe Eyes. The difference is that covenant eyes works great if they have an accountability partner.
Safe Eyes would not display nor finish the search for porn if they wanted to or not.
That is the difference. As you are trying to figure out what is right for you and your husband.

Be not afraid.

 

[Petaro]

Well first off you should respect your husband more by giving him more privacy and not snooping rough his phone. Second looking at those images may be a sin. If he is lusting over these images it may be a sin, if he is using these as a replacement for porn than it may be a sin. However only he and God knows if it is a sin for him. That is strange for a married man to need to look at those.

Respect has to be earned. He must show you respect. Sin is between him and God. You have a right to demand that he not look at other women in a manner that could arouse him. He must respect that right he gave you when he made you his wife,.

 

[bmaj]

History: hubby has history (2007) of porn usage which landed us in counseling. Made me insecure and feel inadequate. Not internet but dvds.

Fast forward: Hubby and I have been in marriage counseling since April for other reasons. So one day he is showing me his FB page and I see he liked this page that is only for men. Has muscle cars but most young hot chicks with boobs and rear. I didn’t like it then but didn’t pursue it. So the last month or so we have been really having problems and his ED is back. He had also been refusing me up until several days ago. He has had 2 physicals and takes Viagra. So last week I went on his FB page to copy a pic of him with our boys. I come across thois page with breasts hanging out. So I text him and nicely ask him to please not like those pages out of respect for me. He becomes furious, we fight and it ends up with him telling me he wants a divorce. So we didn’t talk for 2 days. Saturday while he was in the shower, I searched the history on his iphone and although I didn’t find porn, I sae he went on this website known for lowriders and girls. While he was in shower I asked him if he was looking at naked girls online. He denied it but by the look on his face I could tell he was lying. I told him even if I had proof he was going to lie? He insisted he had not and asked me to show him. I showed him and he still denied it. So of course we fought and he insists his friend sent him the link. I told him I know he’s not on there for the cars because he doesn’t like lowriders! The fight got ugly and I couldn’t make him understand how even looking at hot chicks in bikinis make me feel and bring back those old feelings. He doesn’t understand!

So, is it a sin on his end? Am I wrong?

We have counseling tomorrow and I need to explain to him without fighting why I feel the way I do. He tells me “I’ve never SAID anything to you to make you feel this way.” Correct, it is what you have done, not said. Please help.

I have felt your type of pain in my marriage as well - and continue to feel it. There’s a support group for women here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” (see the top toolbar) which deals specifically with the porn/unchaste image viewing by husbands. The group has helped me tremendously to cope with the hurt. You or any other woman reading this thread may wish to join if you feel it might help you. That hurt you’re feeling is very real, unfortunately, and not your fault Please know that. It’s excellent that at least he goes to counseling (mine won’t), but it would be better if a better counselor could be found. Very good that you’ll be discussing it with a Priest (hopefully one who can give some very sage, helpful advice or steer you to one who can). May God watch over you and your marriage through this, and please know that you are in my prayers. It’s a subject that desperately needs a lot more discussion by the Church in the pulpit and in the news to help marriages.

 

[ktmeyer]

The bible says a man should be willing to lay down his life for his wife. You just want him to lay off the bikini clad girls. Seems like he should be willing to do at least that much, just because his wife wants him to.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

The bible says a man should be willing to lay down his life for his wife. You just want him to lay off the bikini clad girls. Seems like he should be willing to do at least that much, just because his wife wants him to.

Yes. But this is a little like saying that a person should quit smoking or drinking out of love. It’s easier said than done.

Wives do need to understand that there is a deep need that men often meet by using pornography – a need that no amount of married lovemaking could reach. He is not choosing other women instead of you; rather, he is dazzled and seduced by the beauty the world has to offer, and he has trouble taking his eyes off it. Women shouldn’t demean this desire by ridiculing it or making a man feel like he is an animal because of it.

But the truth is that pornography destroys lives, and distorts personalities. It stands as a gigantic block to intimacy in relationships – and the worse these relationships get, the more alluring porn gets. That’s the trap.

Self-sacrificing love, on both sides, is the only way out of the trap.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Oh, and the likelihood that he has bikini-clad girls in links on Facebook and *isn’t *looking at pornography is just about…

Nil.

 

[justamon]

Oh, and the likelihood that he has bikini-clad girls in links on Facebook and *isn’t *looking at pornography is just about…

Nil.

That much I know. There was no porn on phone, he does not use computer at home, is always with someone at home so no dvds. I believe he may be accessing photos on Google. That’s the only way.

 

[justamon]

Can you guys please help me deal with this issue tonight in counseling? I have a solo session at 5 and then we have joint at 6.

I know she will not be pleased that I snooped on his phonre and I have no excuse for that other than the obvious. I sometimes feel as if it is 2 against 1 in there.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

That much I know. There was no porn on phone, he does not use computer at home, is always with someone at home so no dvds. I believe he may be accessing photos on Google. That’s the only way.

If he has a smartphone, he can access porn without leaving a trace. Not trying to make you paranoid, just realistic.

As for counseling, I think your best bet is to speak about how these things make you feel, not about whether they are wrong. Also, surely you had some agreements coming out of his previous bouts with porn – his actions pretty clearly show that he has little concern with the spirit of the agreements (even if he is keeping the letter of the law).

 

[Hopey]

Can you guys please help me deal with this issue tonight in counseling? I have a solo session at 5 and then we have joint at 6.

I know she will not be pleased that I snooped on his phonre and I have no excuse for that other than the obvious. I sometimes feel as if it is 2 against 1 in there.

Ok. Trust your gut.
Ask questions.
It isn’t your fault. Never believe that.

I have been in a similar seat as you. But it was my own journey that got me where I am.
Asking your husband to have a filtering device on his phone is not wrong and builds intimacy including accountability.
I wish you the best.

 

[Hopey]

And anyone who suggests you view porn/movies with your husband to spice up your sex life, leave them and let them know why. It is a lie and can lead to other things.

Prayers for you.

 

[justamon]

Ok. Trust your gut.
Ask questions.
It isn’t your fault. Never believe that.

I have been in a similar seat as you. But it was my own journey that got me where I am.
Asking your husband to have a filtering device on his phone is not wrong and builds intimacy including accountability.
I wish you the best.

What filtering device is there for an iphone? Does he need to be aware that it is on there?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

What filtering device is there for an iphone? Does he need to be aware that it is on there?

Nothing good will come of you trying to make it impossible for him to look at porn. If there are restrictions, HE has to choose for them – otherwise, you become the enemy. Not a good plan.

I don’t think there’s any very effective way to filter an IPhone, except turning off internet entirely.