Asking a Catholic Girl Out

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Catholic Match? I met my husband on Catholic SIngles, but I’m OLD. So I know it’s can be good, but seriously, don’t you think you should at least TRY dating in the wild? Imean in real life before you go online?

Just wondering…🤔

Sometimes you misread social cues online.
Try real life first.
 
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Oh my. I would think you would be too young. Are there many girls in your age range?
 
Honestly, it seems there are far more faithful young Catholic women within the ages of 18-21 on there than where I live. Most people in these parts are middle aged or elderly.

The only downside it seems is that most of these people live at least 45 minutes away from where I live. Some live even further.
 
yeah, don’t give a girl gifts unless you’re already dating her. you’re going to fall into the friendzone doing stuff like that. if you like a girl, admit your feelings. it’s not that hard. ask her out.
 
I don’t know why I’m always drawn to these dating advice threads. I think it’s because I am an introvert whose first date wasn’t until he was 20, but who knew he wanted to get married from the time he was 7. I know the pains, and so I like to offer what (minimal) wisdom I can impart.

I would like to offer two pieces of advice that seem contradictory:
  1. Be patient
  2. Be bold
First, be patient. It’s not a race. You don’t have to conform to an arbitrary timeline. As others have said, divulging too much from the outset is what tends to creep girls out. Give yourself time to get to know each other in more casual circumstances. So, by all means, ask her to coffee or bowling or just for a walk around campus. But there is no need for you spill everything about how much you like her before you even spend more time together.

Second, be bold. As an introvert, this one was always tough for me. And I think it is tough for many guys, especially in an age where gender roles are all over the place. I’ve known guys who basically just waited for the girl to make the first move all the time. Sure, that can work for some people. But I think you also have to be willing to show the girl that she is worth the risk of putting yourself out there for rejection. And it does involve risk.

Of course, it goes without saying—but I should say it anyway—that the third (and most important) piece of advice is to be a prayerful man of God. Bring it all to prayer. Ask the Holy Spirit to increase in you the gift of fortitude from your Confirmation.

For me, it was helpful to take a step back and not put too much pressure on myself. I spent many awkward years always wondering if the girl I sat next to in English class or the girl in front of me in line in the cafeteria was going to be the girl I would marry. With thoughts like that, it made every interaction with a girl seem like it was of monumental, life-altering importance. Way too much pressure!

Start small. Outings, even in groups, are a great place to get your feet wet. Plus, I always wanted to leverage the mere exposure effect. 😜 It eventually all worked out as I am married now. 😃
 
Melodeonist said:
The hard part would be finding a time/place to tell her as during the Newman Clubs duration we are usually discussing the topic of the day unless it’s before or after we start.
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you found time to give her a mandolin along with an explanation on why you gave it to her instead of selling it. If you can do that you can find time to ask her to coffee, lunch, bowling… whatever you decide on.
 
Melodeonist said:
Yesterday I signed up for Catholic Match. There are more young faithful Catholic women than I had expected. Wish me luck, and please pray for me!
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Not saying you shouldn’t try the dating website, but bro. You’ve got a girl you like literally right in front of you. You go to the same club. You share at least two common interests. And it sounds like she might like you too. You are already at the point that a dating website would get you to. Just go for it. Ask her to do something low key- keeps the pressure off both of you. Just be clear its a date. And if she says no, its not the end of the world. Now you know where you stand, and you can ask another girl. Girls are people too man. Don’t put them on too high of a pedestal. Just, for the love of all that is holy, do not ever mention your “libido” to her. Ever.
 
Melodeonist said:
Yesterday I signed up for Catholic Match. There are more young faithful Catholic women than I had expected. Wish me luck, and please pray for me!
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Good Luck with that. Though I’d be careful too. There are a fair amount of 1) Catfish and 2) women who really aren’t interested in pursuing a serious relationship on that website.

If you join that just don’t neglect your real life prospects.

If you like the girl you should just ask her out.
 
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Just a note to parents watching this thread. This is a commercial for Cotillion or some other form of “Etiquette” classes for your kids. In our age of impersonal electronic communication the little things, like how to ask a young lady out on a date, are forgotten.
 
🤣🤣🤣

True that. Social skills begin at home.
In the South, Cotillion is something the kids of snooty parents do. It’s way to meet “appropriate potential mates”. The subtext is really not matching up with the good work they do in terms of manners.
Hopefully, it’s different in other locales.
The manners lessons there are excellent.
 
Melodeonist said:
Honestly, it seems there are far more faithful young Catholic women within the ages of 18-21 on there than where I live. Most people in these parts are middle aged or elderly.

The only downside it seems is that most of these people live at least 45 minutes away from where I live. Some live even further.
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You’re 20. You need to focus on you, not girls, despite your high libido.

Do you understand what dating is?

I mean that seriously.

It’s the discernment if this person is the one you want to marry.

Here’s a few issues I have with that:
  1. dating is not “practice” You discern marriage to that person and not the idea of marriage
  1. dating means that you are fully prepared to take on the joyful burden of a family. This means you are able to support yourself physically and emotionally. It also means that you are able to take on finacally supporting your wife and children during times when your wife cannot work.
  2. Dating means that you have come to the reasonably thought out conclusion that you to NOT have a vocation to religious life.
Are you sure you could answer yes to any of those 3 things? You’ve stated just this week you’re still considering a religious vocation, that you have no idea what your future career will be and that you are unsure of your future to begin with.

As a woman, I’m asking you. Do not put a woman through this. Do not seek a woman until you are sure you do not have a religious vocation at the very least, and when you’re more sure of how you could support a family.

What you are currenty describing is using a woman as a litmus test to see if dating is your thing. That is HORRIBLE.
 
Wow.

Do you live in the South?

Cotillion is a set of etiquette and deportment classes for middle school aged kids. They learn how to do things like ask someone to dance or how to eat like a civilized person or how to get out of a car/sit in a skirt without a wardrobe malfunction.

Well mannered people come from every socio economic background. I’d not tag someone as “snooty” for wanting their kids to know how to eat at a restaurant or how to politely decline an invitation.

Spend any time on these forums and it is apparent that kids to day do not learn manners at home. Seems parents have developed a sort of “push them off in the deep end and they will swim or drown” attitude about etiquette. This is not the first young adult on these forums who is agonizing about how to ask someone on a date.
 
Applying a rigid set of social rules to middle school children isn’t going to help those young adults who post about their struggles.

The very idea of cotillian is based on trying to normalize old gender roles…many of which are not healthy today. Ideas that women must be quiet and demure and speak when spoken to as well as the idea that men must take the lead.

Any parent can teach their children how to behave in a restaurant. One does not need to dig into a tradition where the point was girls are dressed up to be auctioned off like cattle. Even if the message has changed to imbuing manners, it’s still an unhealthy approach.
 
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jdavani said:
yeah, don’t give a girl gifts unless you’re already dating her. you’re going to fall into the friendzone doing stuff like that. if you like a girl, admit your feelings. it’s not that hard. ask her out.
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Nah, that’s the creepzone.

Totally different place.

Even between friends, it’s a good idea to observe reciprocity and moderation, rather than randomly whipping out lavish bribe/gifts.
 
I believe I can firmly say yes to the first one.

The second one I can only partially say yes to, as at the moment as I don’t make much money, but I plan on becoming a police officer next year and I am capable with dealing with stressful situations.

The third I feel pretty safe to say yes too, but I can’t be too sure. I definitely know I’m not called to be a monk, and the priesthood would probably be a bit mentally demanding with all the studying they need to do to even get there.

@people talking about the mandolin, I feel she appreciated it. She was very happy when I gave her it, but what do I know. 👐
 
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AdamPeter said:
Good Luck with that. Though I’d be careful too. There are a fair amount of 1) Catfish and 2) women who really aren’t interested in pursuing a serious relationship on that website.

If you join that just don’t neglect your real life prospects.
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Yes, and another problem is that it slows down the process and makes things a Big Deal when you haven’t even had coffee with this person yet.

If you have really and truly exhausted your local options, that’s one thing, but you haven’t.
 
Melodeonist said:
I believe I can firmly say yes to the first one.

The second one I can only partially say yes to, as at the moment as I don’t make much money, but I plan on becoming a police officer next year and I am capable with dealing with stressful situations.

The third I feel pretty safe to say yes too, but I can’t be too sure. I definitely know I’m not called to be a monk, and the priesthood would probably be a bit mentally demanding with all the studying they need to do to even get there.

@people talking about the mandolin, I feel she appreciated it. She was very happy when I gave her it, but what do I know. 👐
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For the first–ok I’ll take your word.

For the second – Please stop with the police officer business. You need a 4-year degree to even apply to be an officer in most jurisdictions. In the northeast, it’s going to be expected. You may be able to move south and find a department that will take people with AS degrees, but it’ll be a hard sell. It’s not as simple as you make it out to be…you can’t just hop over to the academy and be driving a car around in 6 weeks. You don’t understand that you may be doing 40 hours of paperwork and never see a person. Or that cops sometimes don’t get much more than a pitiful salary not capable of supporting a family. You need a legitimate career path, one that you’ve investigated and understood the trajectory of.

For the third. Seriously? You were just talking about a potential vocation this week. C’mon…do we need to drag up your posting history?
 
Melodeonist said:
The second one I can only partially say yes to, as at the moment as I don’t make much money, but I plan on becoming a police officer next year and I am capable with dealing with stressful situations.

[snip]

@people talking about the mandolin, I feel she appreciated it. She was very happy when I gave her it, but what do I know. 👐
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Have you talked to the police academy people about admissions requirements and how the process works? There may be some areas (for example fitness) that you can work on while you wait.

Also, are you sure this is a good vocation fit for you? Even just in terms of personality, you seem very anxious and scrupulous. There are going to be a lot of grey areas in police work, and that doesn’t really seem like something that would be a good fit for you. Also, to be an effective police officer, you need to be able to read people, and that’s also probably not one of your strengths at this point–although you might get better with practice.

It’s good that she’s happy about the mandolin–but don’t get into the habit of dropping gifts on her. Lavish gifts eventually make good people feel uncomfortable.
 
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