Asking wife to concert?

[Eugene]

Hi

I’ve recently learned that The Platters are coming to town. I dearly love the 50’s and 60’s music and would love to go see them. Problem is my wife does not share my taste for music. She’d prefer her rock ballads of the 80’s and 90’s. We’re both in our forties. I thus tend to keep my music to myself. My wife and kids respectfully tolerate it when I do listen to one of the Golden Oldies on the radio but this is seldom.

I guess it would be proper of me to take my wife along to The Platters but I feel guilty. I know she will come but it will be out of duty. I’ve contemplated going by myself but am not sure of this either as we very seldom go on a date.

Maybe just stay at home and enjoy my recordings?

Any thoughts?

 

[Irishmom2]

Just ask her. Tell her you know she isn’t really a fan, but you thought you would ask her if she wanted to go. And let her know you will go see Journey with her when they are around.

 

[Wampa]

Unless she really can’t stand it (as opposed to just not liking it), I’d ask her. I’ve definitely gone to plenty of concerts with my wife merely because it’s a band she loves (e.g. Norah Jones and every time Journey is in town). That’s part of being a good spouse IMO.

Also, as an aside, make sure you are going to see the real Platters (Herb Reed’s band). There are a ton of knock-off doo-wop bands doing cover acts and passing them off as the real thing. The Platters have been one of the most victimized groups (see vocalgroup.org/article5.htm).

 

[Cat]

Definitely ask her.

But can’t you just go by yourself or with male friends if your wife doesn’t want to go?

My husband and I have been married for 35 years, and although there are plenty of musical styles that we both love, there are those that we don’t both love.

E.g., my husband loves Neil Diamond and John Tesh, and he likes a lot of the current pop music. I would sooner have a tooth filled than listen to this.

I love Baroque music and organ concerts, and songs of the 30s and 40s, as well as black gospel music. My husband would rather stay home and stare at a blank wall than listen to this stuff.

So we go, but not together. Doesn’t bother either of us.

In fact, I have interests that he doesn’t have, and I do them, and he does the same. E.g., I don’t go with him to the ice rink for his ice dancing lessons, and he doesn’t go with me to my organ lessons.

This works really well for us. Even when our children were growing up, we would encourage each other to “Go and have fun!” We didn’t resent it when one went out and the other didn’t.

Don’t get the wrong idea–we do a lot of things together, too. But we are comfortable doing things separately. Would this work for you and your wife?

 

[Bonnie]

It’s OK to go to concerts by yourself. I recently went to an Arlo Guthrie concert alone - my husband doesn’t care for his music. I’ve tried to convert him by singing “I don’t want a pickle,” but it isn’t working.

But if she agrees to go with you, sweeten the deal with dinner before or a nice dessert after.

 

[LongingSoul]

I guess it would be proper of me to take my wife along to The Platters but I feel guilty. I know she will come but it will be out of duty. I’ve contemplated going by myself but am not sure of this either as we very seldom go on a date.

Maybe just stay at home and enjoy my recordings?

Any thoughts?

I have to confess, I don’t understand what’s going on? Do you want her to go with you or don’t you? We’re in our 50’s and don’t share musical tastes but hey, a night out is a night out. Why don’t you go to dinner first or go for a couple of drinks and get in the mood for the concert? Your relationship seem to be very distant and awkward and polite. I say ask her to go and if she wants to, make a really fun night of it by having dinner before or afterwards. The energy of a concert is often really infectious even if you aren’t that into the band.

Definitely ask her and get those tickets!

 

[Lorelei12]

Why can’t you just ask her whether she’d like to go with you? I agree with LongingSoul that the relationship seems a little awkward.

My husband and I don’t like a lot of the same things, but we make an effort to do things for each other’s enjoyment. I thought this was pretty normal. Just tell her you’d really like her to come with you, but that if she’d rather not it’s fine with you and you’ll just go yourself.

 

[Joe_5859]

I hear you. My brother and I both listen to obscure heavy metal bands. There’s no way my wife would enjoy one of those concerts even a little bit. The double bass drums tend to grate on her even just hearing one song from a CD. My brother has sometimes just gone to concerts by himself. I have never done that, but I would if the right opportunity came along. I don’t think I’ve been to any concerts since I’ve been married (part of the reason is that I just don’t live near enough where the bands I would enjoy seeing end up playing).

But, as others have said, it doesn’t hurt to ask. I like the “exchange” idea (you agree to go see a band that she likes). That seems fair. She can always say no if she really does not want to go. If that is a concern for you, make sure that your request is made with a “no pressure” attitude.

 

[Eugene]

I guess we have always done everything together and it would feel strange to me to go to the concert alone.

I hear the posts about wining and dining her but when I take her out it is always with what she likes in mind. We’ve agreed that when we watch a movie at home, we alternate in choosing as she loves romantic comedies whilst I prefer the action ones. Most of the times though we enjoy each other’s choices. With music though it is not so easy.

I will find it hard sitting through a Bruce Springsteen concert and I know The Platters will be a challenge for her.

 

[LongingSoul]

Are your fears more about whether you going alone will affect your close relationship with her… or that you would feel selfish if she said yes out of obligation?

 

[on_the_hill]

If it were me, I’d ask my wife and tell her how much I’d enjoy sharing the concert with her. If she didn’t want to go, then I’d go by myself, completely guilt-free, and wallow in my bliss.

 

[Xantippe]

Definitely ask her.

But can’t you just go by yourself or with male friends if your wife doesn’t want to go?

My husband and I have been married for 35 years, and although there are plenty of musical styles that we both love, there are those that we don’t both love.

E.g., my husband loves Neil Diamond and John Tesh, and he likes a lot of the current pop music. I would sooner have a tooth filled than listen to this.

I love Baroque music and organ concerts, and songs of the 30s and 40s, as well as black gospel music. My husband would rather stay home and stare at a blank wall than listen to this stuff.

So we go, but not together. Doesn’t bother either of us.

In fact, I have interests that he doesn’t have, and I do them, and he does the same. E.g., I don’t go with him to the ice rink for his ice dancing lessons, and he doesn’t go with me to my organ lessons.

This works really well for us. Even when our children were growing up, we would encourage each other to “Go and have fun!” We didn’t resent it when one went out and the other didn’t.

Don’t get the wrong idea–we do a lot of things together, too. But we are comfortable doing things separately. Would this work for you and your wife?

Neil Diamond. You know, there are two kinds of people…

youtube.com/watch?v=TFtDTJ89Xyw

(The Neil Diamond scene from What About Bob? starts around 2:30.)

 

[Prodigirl]

Hi

I’ve recently learned that The Platters are coming to town. I dearly love the 50’s and 60’s music and would love to go see them. Problem is my wife does not share my taste for music. She’d prefer her rock ballads of the 80’s and 90’s. We’re both in our forties. I thus tend to keep my music to myself. My wife and kids respectfully tolerate it when I do listen to one of the Golden Oldies on the radio but this is seldom.

I guess it would be proper of me to take my wife along to The Platters but I feel guilty. I know she will come but it will be out of duty. I’ve contemplated going by myself but am not sure of this either as we very seldom go on a date.

Maybe just stay at home and enjoy my recordings?

Any thoughts?

Go and enjoy it. Marriage is creative interdependence, and it should enlarge and enrich your life as part of a family, part of a couple, and as an individual. If your wife would not enjoy the concert, don’t demand that she go. If you would enjoy it, and it sounds like you would, then by all means go - alone or with a friend, even. A marriage that requires all participate in every activity would be stifling and tedious, I would think.

If she likes Billy Joel she might enjoy the Platters. He was hugely influenced by doo wop singers, as were many acts she likes but doesn’t know where they got their “stuff” from!

 

[Demetra2]

I guess we have always done everything together and it would feel strange to me to go to the concert alone.

I hear the posts about wining and dining her but when I take her out it is always with what she likes in mind. We’ve agreed that when we watch a movie at home, we alternate in choosing as she loves romantic comedies whilst I prefer the action ones. Most of the times though we enjoy each other’s choices. With music though it is not so easy.

I will find it hard sitting through a Bruce Springsteen concert and I know The Platters will be a challenge for her.

Are you worried that she might accept and then you would feel obligated to go to a Springsteen concert?

 

[Cat]

I have to confess, I don’t understand what’s going on? Do you want her to go with you or don’t you? We’re in our 50’s and don’t share musical tastes but hey, a night out is a night out. Why don’t you go to dinner first or go for a couple of drinks and get in the mood for the concert? Your relationship seem to be very distant and awkward and polite. I say ask her to go and if she wants to, make a really fun night of it by having dinner before or afterwards. The energy of a concert is often really infectious even if you aren’t that into the band.

Definitely ask her and get those tickets!

No, I do not agree with this. It’s sweet, but unrealistic.

When I said that I don’t like the music my husband likes, I was being polite.

I HATE the music that he likes.

And he HATES the music I like,.

Seriously, if he were to attend a concert of Baroque music with me, it is very possible he wouldn’t survive. The frantic nature of Baroque music makes his head and heart hurt. What he would probably do is skip out after the first piece, and wait outside, or find a nearby coffee shop.

And if I were to attend a concert of Neil Diamond with him, I wouldn’t be able to take more than one song. I would probably sit in the car and wait.

The “energy of the concert” wouldn’t make any difference for either of us. If you HATE the music, it’s going to be painful energy, not positive energy, and it’s going to HURT the marriage, not help it.

In fact, several years ago, John Tesh came to our town, and my husband not only bought a ticket, but he bought a ticket to the “John Tesh Experience,” which meant he got to have dinner with John Tesh and talk with him! So that evening, while I was happily sitting at home, I got a phone call–it was John Tesh! He asked me something about wouldn’t I like to come down and hear him in concert and offered a free ticket–I said, “No, I hate your music.” I think Tesh was kind of surprised that someone really didn’t like him and was willing to say it! But my husband said, “I told you she would say that.”

Musical style preferences are deeply-seated and very emotional for people. Think about it–lots of people quit their church because they hate the music. People are actually willing to walk away from GOD HIMSELF because of music!

So it’s unrealistic to expect a spouse to enjoy concert for the sake of their spouse, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do so.

What’s reasonable and healthy and uplifting is for spouses to encourage each other to do things that they enjoy (assuming that those things are wholesome and affordable), and to spend the times apart being renewed in love for each other.

 

[signit]

I’d ask her nicely, and, if she doesn’t want to go, go without her, again nicely.

You never know, though; she might enjoy the show after all. I’ve seen men go to shows just to accompany their wives and end up enjoying the show.

Also, as an aside, make sure you are going to see the real Platters (Herb Reed’s band). There are a ton of knock-off doo-wop bands doing cover acts and passing them off as the real thing. The Platters have been one of the most victimized groups (see vocalgroup.org/article5.htm).

Just to follow up on that, they won’t be the “original” Platters because none of the founding members are living and active. One member who was with the band for part of the period when they were well known is still active. Perhaps it’s his band; or perhaps it’s the current version of Herb Reed’s band (I once saw “Herb Reed of the Platters and His Band”). Might still be a great show, but just be aware that it’s not going to be the Platters of old.

 

[Irishmom2]

I got a phone call–it was John Tesh! He asked me something about wouldn’t I like to come down and hear him in concert and offered a free ticket–I said, “No, I hate your music.” I think Tesh was kind of surprised that someone really didn’t like him and was willing to say it! But my husband said, “I told you she would say that.”

Cat… Really? I hate your music?

Maybe John Tesh wasn’t surprised that someone didn’t like husband music, but rather that someone would be so rude to say it that way.

 

[Wampa]

Just to follow up on that, they won’t be the “original” Platters because none of the founding members are living and active. One member who was with the band for part of the period when they were well known is still active. Perhaps it’s his band; or perhaps it’s the current version of Herb Reed’s band (I once saw “Herb Reed of the Platters and His Band”). Might still be a great show, but just be aware that it’s not going to be the Platters of old.

Thanks for fleshing that out. I don’t follow it enough anymore to know all the details (I did a research project on the topic in law school), but I know that there’s only one - or maybe two based on what you said - groups that actually have enough of a connection to the band to honestly call themselves the Platters.

The rest are just a bunch of guys singing cover songs with zero connection to the band and passing themselves off as the band. Herb’s gone through a lot of litigation (mostly futile) trying to stop the scammers.

 

[garyo49]

Hi

I’ve recently learned that The Platters are coming to town. I dearly love the 50’s and 60’s music and would love to go see them. Problem is my wife does not share my taste for music. She’d prefer her rock ballads of the 80’s and 90’s. We’re both in our forties. I thus tend to keep my music to myself. My wife and kids respectfully tolerate it when I do listen to one of the Golden Oldies on the radio but this is seldom.

I guess it would be proper of me to take my wife along to The Platters but I feel guilty. I know she will come but it will be out of duty. I’ve contemplated going by myself but am not sure of this either as we very seldom go on a date.

Maybe just stay at home and enjoy my recordings?

Any thoughts?

Ask her. What have you got to lose. Married dating isn’t about what you do or see. It is about keeping your marriage alive and enjoying each others company. If your marriage is sound I can’t imagine her not wanting to go with you and seeing you enjoy yourself. After all your happiness should be her happiness and visa versa. Good luck.

 

[Cat]

Ask her. What have you got to lose. Married dating isn’t about what you do or see. It is about keeping your marriage alive and enjoying each others company. If your marriage is sound I can’t imagine her not wanting to go with you and seeing you enjoy yourself. After all your happiness should be her happiness and visa versa. Good luck.

I can imagine it.

C’mon, sir, honestly now. Do you honestly think men and women are going to sit through activities and events that they really dislike, but enjoy seeing their spouse enjoy themselves?!

C’mon.

My parents in law have been married almost 60 years. My mother-in-law loves to sew and has attended many workshops and seminars over the years. I can’t even imagine my big, tough father-in-law attending and '“enjoying seeing her enjoy herself.”

In the same way, he used to ice fish when he was a young man (back before ice fishermen built luxury tents with warmers and TVs). I can’t even imagine my sweet, petite mother-in-law sitting by the side of a hole in the ice “enjoying seeing him enjoy himself.”

The more practical, real-life situation is this–my father-in-law enjoyed staying home knowing that his wife was enjoying her sewing activities. And my mother-in-law enjoyed staying at home knowing that her husband was enjoying his ice fishing.

And their marriage is very much alive, in spite of the fact that they didn’t do absolutely everything together. In a good marriage, people can enjoy each other’s company both present and absent.