Asking wife to concert?

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The activities of sewing and ice fishing are nothing like going to a concert and the analogy doesn’t really shed any light on his situation. Most people don’t like to go to a concert by themselves, which is the OP’s entire point in talking about asking his wife to go with him. Note that his presented alternative if she doesn’t go is not to go by himself, but rather to skip the show.

Also, he never told us how strong her “dislike” of the genre is. In fact, he didn’t even say ‘dislike’. He said “[She] does not share my taste for music. She’d prefer…”. That’s a really soft level of opposition. If she truly disliked or hated the music, I don’t think many of us would suggest he ask her (I wouldn’t).

I definitely go to concerts with my wife to make her happy by being her companion and her happiness there does make me happy. But I would never go and watch her scrapbook. Two totally different scenarios from a making-a-happy-marriage standpoint.
 
Cat said:
Definitely ask her.

But can’t you just go by yourself or with male friends if your wife doesn’t want to go?

My husband and I have been married for 35 years, and although there are plenty of musical styles that we both love, there are those that we don’t both love.

E.g., my husband loves Neil Diamond and John Tesh, and he likes a lot of the current pop music. I would sooner have a tooth filled than listen to this.

I love Baroque music and organ concerts, and songs of the 30s and 40s, as well as black gospel music. My husband would rather stay home and stare at a blank wall than listen to this stuff.

So we go, but not together. Doesn’t bother either of us.

In fact, I have interests that he doesn’t have, and I do them, and he does the same. E.g., I don’t go with him to the ice rink for his ice dancing lessons, and he doesn’t go with me to my organ lessons.

This works really well for us. Even when our children were growing up, we would encourage each other to “Go and have fun!” We didn’t resent it when one went out and the other didn’t.

Don’t get the wrong idea–we do a lot of things together, too. But we are comfortable doing things separately. Would this work for you and your wife?
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Isn’t it fun to see how musical tastes differ? I, too love baroque music, organ music, and stuff from the 30s-40s, as well as Neil Diamond; but I can’t stand John Tesh, current pop music, or black gospel tunes. Something for everyone, I reckon.

Ice dancing, on the other hand, should be something we all agree to outlaw! 😉

To the OP: ASK HER! She might actually have a little fun, especially if you add a nice meal to the evening. Just remember you’ve gotta rock out to the 80s sometime soon!
 
Cat said:
No, I do not agree with this. It’s sweet, but unrealistic.

When I said that I don’t like the music my husband likes, I was being polite.

I HATE the music that he likes.

And he HATES the music I like,.

Seriously, if he were to attend a concert of Baroque music with me, it is very possible he wouldn’t survive. The frantic nature of Baroque music makes his head and heart hurt. What he would probably do is skip out after the first piece, and wait outside, or find a nearby coffee shop.

And if I were to attend a concert of Neil Diamond with him, I wouldn’t be able to take more than one song. I would probably sit in the car and wait.

The “energy of the concert” wouldn’t make any difference for either of us. If you HATE the music, it’s going to be painful energy, not positive energy, and it’s going to HURT the marriage, not help it.

In fact, several years ago, John Tesh came to our town, and my husband not only bought a ticket, but he bought a ticket to the “John Tesh Experience,” which meant he got to have dinner with John Tesh and talk with him! So that evening, while I was happily sitting at home, I got a phone call–it was John Tesh! He asked me something about wouldn’t I like to come down and hear him in concert and offered a free ticket–I said, “No, I hate your music.” I think Tesh was kind of surprised that someone really didn’t like him and was willing to say it! But my husband said, “I told you she would say that.”

Musical style preferences are deeply-seated and very emotional for people. Think about it–lots of people quit their church because they hate the music. People are actually willing to walk away from GOD HIMSELF because of music!

So it’s unrealistic to expect a spouse to enjoy concert for the sake of their spouse, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do so.

What’s reasonable and healthy and uplifting is for spouses to encourage each other to do things that they enjoy (assuming that those things are wholesome and affordable), and to spend the times apart being renewed in love for each other.
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While some people have very rigid opinions regarding what music they will accept into their ears… most aren’t that black and white. In my circle of friends, family and acquaintances there are very few who would blanketly refuse to go to a concert with a spouse because the band isn’t their cup of tea. Unless of course there is some other element like if it was the loudness (like Motorhead) or promoted some sort of opposing agenda (like ‘death to the Church’). The Platters are completely inoffensive on those levels and really its easy to get into something like that especially knowing how much your spouse is enjoying it. I’ve actually been along to so many bands that I wasn’t into or didn’t even know and came away a fan. If you aren’t open to new experiences and just having a general appreciation of the art of music across time and genre… you’ll end up a cranky old curmudgeon finding fault in everything!
 
If she doesn’t want to go, get a buddy to go with you so you’re not going alone. Make it a guys’ night out 🙂
 
Ask her if she’d like to go with you, if not take a male friend.

She might be happy to have a “date” with you, even if it’s not her fave music.

A few years ago, I bought my husband (now ex) two tickets to see a singer he LOVES. I don’t especially care for the singer, but I was excited to have found out about the concert, got the tickets, etc and looking forward to the date.

I was shocked and hurt when he asked someone else and said “well, I know you don’t really care for this singer.”

My heart dropped to the floor and I felt like he kicked it on top of it.

So at least ask her, make the offer, and even if she declines, she will be touched that you asked.
 
Ask her to go and let her pick the restaurant. It’s normal to go to things your spouse want to go to, even though you’d rather have hot oil poured…well…you know where.

PS- My husband demanded that I accompany him to see, of all things, Wayne Newton. I’m pretty sure we were the only ones there under 70.
 
Well, I asked her…and she said she’d love to come because, “I love being with you.” were her actual words. Also, she said it’s not that she honestly dislikes The Platters, she just never grew up with them like I did. Doo wop and 60’s rock 'n roll did not feature in her European upbringing.

My father (God bless his soul) was a great pianist (and organist at Mass). I have fond memories sitting next to him on the organ bench watching him pump the pedals as he was playing. And us kids going to sleep with the sounds of Fly me to the moon, Siboney, Blue Spanish Eyes, etc. wafting through the house and Mom sitting close to him soaking in the mood.

Anyway, it was interesting reading all the responses and I guess we all have our likes and dislikes to varying degrees.

No, it’s not the original Platters, but I enjoy the music of this group anyway as they do the Platters very well.

Now, to get those tickets!

Blessings to you all.
 
All’s well that ends well. I’m glad to hear it! Enjoy the show 🙂
 
Oh good for you, Eugene! Hope you both have a lovely date.

I have a love for Charley Pride because I grew up listening to my Dad singing along to his records. I’d definitely go to one of his concerts if he was still playing!
 
Cat said:
I can imagine it.

C’mon, sir, honestly now. Do you honestly think men and women are going to sit through activities and events that they really dislike, but enjoy seeing their spouse enjoy themselves?!

C’mon.

My parents in law have been married almost 60 years. My mother-in-law loves to sew and has attended many workshops and seminars over the years. I can’t even imagine my big, tough father-in-law attending and '“enjoying seeing her enjoy herself.”

In the same way, he used to ice fish when he was a young man (back before ice fishermen built luxury tents with warmers and TVs). I can’t even imagine my sweet, petite mother-in-law sitting by the side of a hole in the ice “enjoying seeing him enjoy himself.”

The more practical, real-life situation is this–my father-in-law enjoyed staying home knowing that his wife was enjoying her sewing activities. And my mother-in-law enjoyed staying at home knowing that her husband was enjoying his ice fishing.

And their marriage is very much alive, in spite of the fact that they didn’t do absolutely everything together. In a good marriage, people can enjoy each other’s company both present and absent.
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We’re talking about a music concert here. We’re not talking about if one enjoys eating cows brains and the other likes porterhouse steaks. I don’t understand why it would be so offensive to her to go and see the Platters if it made him happy. I mean isn’t that what marriage is all about, making your spouse happy? I know I am happier when she’s happy. Doesn’t it work that way for you? Even though she has different taste in music I’m sure it’s not that far a stretch between what she likes and the Platters. I guess you and I come from different types of family’s. My parents enjoyed just being together and most of the time it didn’t matter what they did. And I’m not talking about couples having to do EVERYTHING together. Now even poor old misguided me believes THAT could ruin a marriage. I think you are being selfish when your spouse tells you that it would mean a lot if you would do this with them and you refuse. I’m still trying to understand couples enjoying each others company when they aren’t together. Last line in your post.
 
Have a great date with your wife, Eugene! She may end up likingThe Platters more than she thought!
 
Thank you all. Looking forward to the concert.

Blessings to you all. 👍
 
Wampa said:
The activities of sewing and ice fishing are nothing like going to a concert and the analogy doesn’t really shed any light on his situation. Most people don’t like to go to a concert by themselves, which is the OP’s entire point in talking about asking his wife to go with him. Note that his presented alternative if she doesn’t go is not to go by himself, but rather to skip the show.

Also, he never told us how strong her “dislike” of the genre is. In fact, he didn’t even say ‘dislike’. He said “[She] does not share my taste for music. She’d prefer…”. That’s a really soft level of opposition. If she truly disliked or hated the music, I don’t think many of us would suggest he ask her (I wouldn’t).

I definitely go to concerts with my wife to make her happy by being her companion and her happiness there does make me happy. But I would never go and watch her scrapbook. Two totally different scenarios from a making-a-happy-marriage standpoint.
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The light is there. You just chose not to turn it on.
 
Prodigirl said:
The light is there. You just chose not to turn it on.
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Thought-provoking.

I’m glad it worked out for the OP and his wife. It looks like his wife is willing to try out a musical style that she has never been particularly interested in, and that’s good.

In our marriage, we have learned that honesty works best. I think that married couples should be comfortable being completely open and honest with each other, and not have to ever pretend or hide things from each other.

Sure, I could attend my husband’s John Tesh concert, keep my mouth shut, keep smiling, and tell him, “It was so fun watching you having fun.”

And it would be a complete lie, and the effort of keeping the smiling face and pleasant disposition would make my blood pressure go up, my stomach hurt, and my cholesterol rise.

And my husband would know that I was hating every minute of Mr. Tesh’s concert, and he would be upset and a little angry at me and angry at himself for making me attend and he would not be able to totally enjoy the concert because he cares about me more than he does about John Test.

So why not just talk these things out and be honest with each other? It’s healthier in the long run.

My husband and I have always wanted to learn how to dance. We grew up in churches where dancing was considered a sin, and we never learned, and we aren’t very talented at teaching ourselves by watching others.

So we signed up for $500.00 worth of classes at Arthur Murray’s and we were so excited.

He loved it.

I hated it. It was hard for me to do the steps unless the teacher would face the same direction I was facing and do the steps (I’m very poor at “mirror” stuff–opposite direction–I would be a terrible dentist!). I couldn’t remember any of the steps; if the teacher taught us a dance in the first 15 minutes, I would forget it within a half hour, and each week, I had to be re-taught all the steps from the week before (so we never got beyond “the waltz”). My knee and my feet hurt trying to do the various turns and I couldn’t remember how to do them anyway. I didn’t “get” leading cues, and I had no idea when my husband was signaling me to do something. I HATED switching partners (which they do at Arthur Murray); I didn’t want other men taking me into their arms, and I didn’t want to touch other men–it really bothered me a lot! (One of my friends and her husband signed up for the same session, and she felt exactly the same way I did about switching partners, and she refused.)

It was awful for me. I was definitely not interested in continuing the lessons. But my husband was.

So he continued lessons and I stayed home. He knew I hated it. And I knew he loved it. And we were able to accept each other and say, “You do what makes YOU happy, and I will be happy.” There was no need for us to do this together. One of us will continue to sit on the sidelines at the few weddings we attend each year. And the other will ask other women to dance and actually be able to dance! That’s fine with both of us.
 
Prodigirl, I see that you are brand new to the site. Hopefully you will replace snark with honest insight going forward and make a contribution.

Cat, let me try to tone down what seemed to become a hot point here. You’re talking about scenarios where you truly hate the music/activity. Everyone here, including me, would totally support your decision to be separate for those things. Stress, lying, etc is not what anyone here would recommend. But what I read into most of the comments, including the OP’s, was more about it just not being the spouse’s preference. That’s the scenario where we are suggesting that it’s worthwhile to go to make the other person happy. There’s no lying or putting on a happy face in the scenario I’m talking about.

In the case of the concerts I’ve personally gone to for that reason, I’m neutral about the genres. I wouldn’t choose to go see them on my own, but it’s fine if it makes her happy. I usually get an interesting cultural experience out of it. Often I find myself telling her “See if any of your friends who like the band want to go and if you don’t find anyone, I’ll go so you don’t have to go alone.” No lying, no dishonesty, no pretending or hiding things from each other.

I think we’re just talking about two different scenarios here.
 
Cat said:
No, I do not agree with this. It’s sweet, but unrealistic.

When I said that I don’t like the music my husband likes, I was being polite.

I HATE the music that he likes.

And he HATES the music I like,.

Seriously, if he were to attend a concert of Baroque music with me, it is very possible he wouldn’t survive. The frantic nature of Baroque music makes his head and heart hurt. What he would probably do is skip out after the first piece, and wait outside, or find a nearby coffee shop.

And if I were to attend a concert of Neil Diamond with him, I wouldn’t be able to take more than one song. I would probably sit in the car and wait.

The “energy of the concert” wouldn’t make any difference for either of us. If you HATE the music, it’s going to be painful energy, not positive energy, and it’s going to HURT the marriage, not help it.

In fact, several years ago, John Tesh came to our town, and my husband not only bought a ticket, but he bought a ticket to the “John Tesh Experience,” which meant he got to have dinner with John Tesh and talk with him! So that evening, while I was happily sitting at home, I got a phone call–it was John Tesh! He asked me something about wouldn’t I like to come down and hear him in concert and offered a free ticket–I said, “No, I hate your music.” I think Tesh was kind of surprised that someone really didn’t like him and was willing to say it! But my husband said, “I told you she would say that.”

Musical style preferences are deeply-seated and very emotional for people. Think about it–lots of people quit their church because they hate the music. People are actually willing to walk away from GOD HIMSELF because of music!

So it’s unrealistic to expect a spouse to enjoy concert for the sake of their spouse, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do so.

What’s reasonable and healthy and uplifting is for spouses to encourage each other to do things that they enjoy (assuming that those things are wholesome and affordable), and to spend the times apart being renewed in love for each other.
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Very funny. We all have our favorite music. And I think it’s good to try to keep an open mind about different types of music. But there are some types I really hate, and I would also draw the line at John Tesh. I think you’ve hit on a big reason why people stop going to Mass. In recent years, God has blessed me with music from the Neocatechumenal Way. Occasionally I go back to the “regular” masses and I don’t know how else to describe that music…not enough testosterone? And I put up with it for years with no complaint. Now I can hardly take it. God Bless.
 
Cat said:
Thought-provoking.

I’m glad it worked out for the OP and his wife. It looks like his wife is willing to try out a musical style that she has never been particularly interested in, and that’s good.

In our marriage, we have learned that honesty works best. I think that married couples should be comfortable being completely open and honest with each other, and not have to ever pretend or hide things from each other.

Sure, I could attend my husband’s John Tesh concert, keep my mouth shut, keep smiling, and tell him, “It was so fun watching you having fun.”

And it would be a complete lie, and the effort of keeping the smiling face and pleasant disposition would make my blood pressure go up, my stomach hurt, and my cholesterol rise.

And my husband would know that I was hating every minute of Mr. Tesh’s concert, and he would be upset and a little angry at me and angry at himself for making me attend and he would not be able to totally enjoy the concert because he cares about me more than he does about John Test.

So why not just talk these things out and be honest with each other? It’s healthier in the long run.

My husband and I have always wanted to learn how to dance. We grew up in churches where dancing was considered a sin, and we never learned, and we aren’t very talented at teaching ourselves by watching others.

So we signed up for $500.00 worth of classes at Arthur Murray’s and we were so excited.

He loved it.

I hated it. It was hard for me to do the steps unless the teacher would face the same direction I was facing and do the steps (I’m very poor at “mirror” stuff–opposite direction–I would be a terrible dentist!). I couldn’t remember any of the steps; if the teacher taught us a dance in the first 15 minutes, I would forget it within a half hour, and each week, I had to be re-taught all the steps from the week before (so we never got beyond “the waltz”). My knee and my feet hurt trying to do the various turns and I couldn’t remember how to do them anyway. I didn’t “get” leading cues, and I had no idea when my husband was signaling me to do something. I HATED switching partners (which they do at Arthur Murray); I didn’t want other men taking me into their arms, and I didn’t want to touch other men–it really bothered me a lot! (One of my friends and her husband signed up for the same session, and she felt exactly the same way I did about switching partners, and she refused.)

It was awful for me. I was definitely not interested in continuing the lessons. But my husband was.

So he continued lessons and I stayed home. He knew I hated it. And I knew he loved it. And we were able to accept each other and say, “You do what makes YOU happy, and I will be happy.” There was no need for us to do this together. One of us will continue to sit on the sidelines at the few weddings we attend each year. And the other will ask other women to dance and actually be able to dance! That’s fine with both of us.
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I’ve known couples that did too much “you do what makes you happy and I’ll do what makes me happy” and drifted apart. I know that you said in an earlier post that if one spouse doesn’t like what the other one does that they shouldn’t feel obligated to participate. I don’t know what your experience is, but our friends that have the best marriages are they ones that have common interests and enjoy being together. I’m not saying that you have to be joined at the hip, but it helps to enjoy some of the same things.
 
We are in the same boat. I really, really want to go to Paul McCartney but DH is just kind of “eh” on it. But the good tickets are over $500. So it’s not like he can just go and support me, it’s expensive. Yet there’s no one else I’d rather go with. So for now I just haven’t gone.
 
NSFrame said:
We are in the same boat. I really, really want to go to Paul McCartney but DH is just kind of “eh” on it. But the good tickets are over $500. So it’s not like he can just go and support me, it’s expensive. Yet there’s no one else I’d rather go with. So for now I just haven’t gone.
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Wow, I love music, but there is NO ONE I would spend that kind of money to see. 🤷
 
Irishmom2 said:
Wow, I love music, but there is NO ONE I would spend that kind of money to see. 🤷
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The Beatles are special to me - I got very much into them my freshman year of college and they were part of who I was for a while, and even now I still feel some it. To see who I consider to be one of the two the greatest singer/songwriters of the modern age in person would be a huge privilege. John Lennon died on my third birthday so he’s kind of out, and this may be my last chance as Paul is now in his 70s.

Still, there is the cost of tickets…and the lack of an enthusiastic “date”.
 
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