At what point do you let go and file for divorce?

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My husband and I have been separated for a yr. Since his return from Iraq 6 yrs ago, our relationship has been distant, I assumed he was depressed - knew we were both struggling to find connections, but NEVER believed him capable of betraying our marriage.

It is a long, painful convuluted story of being hurt daily from neglect… I was a stay at home mom, did all planning, cooking, shopping, finances etc. so that he could focus on his job. I look back and see my life as a serious of his dismissals of my value and my resentment toward his behaviours.

His request to separate (insisting there was no one else) in June of last year was a bombshell and I refused, demanding counseling… trying to rekindle. On Jan 1, 08 I find the explicit emails that blew me away. He finally admitted a 4 year affair with a woman at work (her husband found out and they have since divorced). I am still humiliated by his lies, esp during this time prior to full disclosure.

Im STILL in disbelief, betrayed daily for 4, now 5 years. We are legally separated but he choses to leave me resonsible for all finances, debt payment… while he continues his extra-marital relationship. He lives with his mom because there is no extra money.

He will not go to counseling, will not go to the Doctor, and has never taken the medication for his Crohns disease (prefers to deny he has it) even though it is flaring again, will not go to church (lied for years about attending Mass) will not give up his lover, but will not completely move on from the comfort of home-base. He was baptised and became Catholic the Easter prior to our marriage. He refuses to go to confession. I fear for his soul.

I am so ashamed of this failure. Is divorce the only way to regain balance? Some perspective please.
 
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Please accept our prayers and condolences for your hurt.

No one can tell you the point at which divorce becomes appropriate; only you can do that, after prayer, consultation with your priest, and so forth. You clearly have attempted to exhaust your remedies short of divorce; his refusal to go to counseling, coupled with his deliberate continuance of his affair, obviously makes this unbearable for you.

I can tell you this: in many states, the wife is automatically responsible for the husband’s medical bills (and sometimes other debts); and, for most purposes, “separated” means “still married.” You don’t say, but I assume from his irresponsible actions that you are raising the children; is he paying child support and spousal support? Do the two of you have joint debt accounts (e.g., credit cards or home equity lines of credit) on which he can draw but for which you remain responsible? All of these issues can impact on why you might obtain a civil divorce from him.

Of course, there are negative consequences to a divorce, too: as just one example, if he’s military, you might well cease to be a dependent, losing military benefits.

Whether or not you divorce, you are perfectly justified in protecting yourself and the kids from him (denying him sex because of the risk of STDs from his lover; insisting that he not bring the lover around the house or the kids, etc.). Along those lines, you ought to have yourself tested. Sorry.

A couple of points in case you were wondering: a civil divorce is meaningless to the Church. If you were validly married in the eyes of the Church, then you’re married for life; ending the civil marriage is irrelevant to whether the spiritual marriage continues. So you would not be able to date or remarry unless your Sacrament of Matrimony with him was somehow invalid. Also, despite what some people insist, divorce is not a bar to the Sacraments, such as Communion (remarriage would be; merely “being divorced” is not).

If you go the divorce route, PLEASE get a lawyer. Inevitably it’s the people who try to go it without lawyers who get hosed.
 
Godfollower, I feel I am finally in the right place. I am so thankful for this community of people who are faithful and care. PLEASE pray for me - that i can recover from this pain.

Thank you for your perspective. I am seeing a counselor, but she is not faith based and I often feel that while I am being helped with the reality of the situation I am lacking spiritual guidance.

I do meet with my priest and while he is a wonderful intellectual, he refrains from providing guidance… The most advice he has given is that I have a duty to keep myself heathy physically and mentally in order to raise my children. He will not discuss annullment possiblities at this stage.

I have an attorney. I have a signed legal order of separation that stipulates alimony and childsupport. Have had all the STD testing ( humiliating). Have set up my own CC (froze the joint ones) and own checking acct.

He did not hire an attorney. He has not opened his own account but maintains Direct Deposit into our old joint acct. I transfer $ funds to mine and pay all the bills/ old debt/ his new CC bill, taxes - give him cash and rent $ every month. He lives with his mom and she does his laundry!

I have sole custody and he visits the house T, TH & Sat every week and whenever else he chooses (usually supper time 🙂 My point here is that I feel he will not allow me to go emotionally… or financially. He keeps me on the hook and unfortunately, because I’m still in love with the man he was… I feel stuck & irrationally hopeful. He expresses regret for the path he took so many years ago but will not stop his relationship. Our oldest child knows of the infedility and is respectful but that is all. Our youngest believes he hung the moon. I let her keep believing it.

Realistically he has more emotional, mental, physical problems than I can shake a stick at… but he is my husband in my heart. I feel I could probably survive a civil divorce… but spiritually I am bound.

I didn’t know I could still take part in the sacraments if I divorce. Thank God. I pray for guidance every moment. Trusting God and accepting that I cant control other people’s behavior is hard for me.

Incidently, dating or re-marriage is so far out of my realm of thought it is laughable. 😛 My children are all I need to survive.
 
BMB…I think only you can ultimately decide when to let go, but if my husband would refuse to stop seeing someone else while being married to me, I would let him go. I don’t know if there is anything to let go, sounds like your husband let go a while ago, but wants to keep you for finances,and other things you name. Divorce isn’t easy, but again, staying married to a man who has no desire to change or repent, really isn’t a marriage, to me.

I would look into getting a great lawyer–just consulting what your options and rights are. Just as a back up if you decide to divorce him. I will keep you in my prayers…so sorry this is happening.😦

It amazes me that there are women and men out there who have affairs with married people and think that they have found true love.
 
Thank you so much for your words and prayers. I feel especially blessed to have found this site today. Perspective from other Catholics on this issue has been so helpful.

He behaved as a coward would, selfishly, sneaky and dishonestly. This behavior is so unlike the man I married. I spent months in disbelief.

My first reaction is/was to save my children the pain of a broken family. I am slowly regaining some of the strength he sapped from me over the years. It is a big step for me to acknowledge that if I do not allow myself to heal I cannot help my children heal.

I have floundered - not knowing to what lengths I must go… how much pain is required of me… at what point have I exhausted all methods for “fixing” my marriage. I’m beginning to accept that he has been gone for a very long time. I’m sad to finally realize that I was alone in my quest to repair the damage.

I expected everything to miraculously be resolved through spriritual intervention. That hope has died and I am sad.
Perhaps God will make the path crystal clear to me in time.

Your post(s) have made me feel less alone and for that I am so grateful.
 
You are never alone. God is with you always. We are with you, too, metaphorically, in our thoughts and prayers.

It sounds like you have done everything the way you’re supposed to. I hope and pray that everything works out “for the best” in the long run, in accordance with God’s will.

I wish you the best.
 
I think you are way past the point of it being in your family’s best interests to file for divorce. I am surprised you have not mentioned counseling with your priest. He is the first person who should be advising you.

First, your husband has broken his marriage vows, and Jesus himself gave fornication as a possible justification for divorce. He is seeing another woman, and that makes your marriage a sham, which is something your children will eventually pick up on.

Second, he is not being held accountable financially.Unless he is giving you money to pay the bills from his mother’s house?

Third, as someone else pointed out, even though you have no marriage, you are legally married, and could be responsible for any debts he might incur.

Fourth, you need to move on. What he is done is like spitting out the Eucharist. He has desecrated the sacrament of your marriage. That will poison you, if it has not already.
 
A civil divorce will allow you to regain control of your finances, and make him responsible for his own money and bills from here on out.

I assume you have already cancelled any joint credit cards you may have had … 😉

I think in this case a civil divorce is called for.

It would also be a good idea to have the marriage investigated by the Marriage Tribunal, to see whether you would qualify for a Declaration of Nullity, so that, in the future, if you start thinking of remarriage, you would already know what your options are and would be able to plan accordingly.
 
Angels_Unaware said:
Matthew 19:9.
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This is not referring to infidelity within the marriage (which would be adultery; not fornication - fornication occurs between two people who have never been married before), but rather, events prior to or intrinsic to the marriage that cause it to be invalid from the outset, such as incest, sexual activity prior to the marriage, and stuff like that.
 
jmcrae said:
This is not referring to infidelity within the marriage (which would be adultery; not fornication - fornication occurs between two people who have never been married before), but rather, events prior to or intrinsic to the marriage that cause it to be invalid from the outset, such as incest, sexual activity prior to the marriage, and stuff like that.
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I understand that is how the Catholic church interprets it. Yes, it is important to clarify that adultery is not necessarily grounds for annulment.

However, even within the Catholic interpretation of Matthew 19:9, the act of sexual sin is considered severe enough to disolve a lawful bond. In that verse, the engagement of a Jewish couple.

I think that Matthew 19:9 supports the pursuit of a civil divorce in the case of a husband who is in a longterm affair and living outside the home.

But yes, she should consult her priest if she is interested in canon law and an annulment.
 
{{{hugs}}}

Been there, done that. It’s not a nice t-shirt.

First off, the Catechism of the Catholic Church does not require anyone to remain married to someone who has an ongoing affair with someone else for years.

If you are on base, the chaplain might be able to recommend Catholic counselors. The local diocese might offer divorce/separated workshops and retreats. Check online your local diocesan website and their Office of the Family.

Others here are correct. You are past the point you need to protect yourself. I believe for the military and social security purposes and alimony purposes in some states, 10 years is the minimum years you must be married to qualify for spousal benefits. And a divorce decree would stipulate what he must contribute to the children’s medical and health insurance. He may be required to carry them on his insurance. If you are at the 9 year mark or something, dragging this out a few months till you qualify might be in your financial interest. 😉

I had to purchase my own insurance, and as the dependent of a gov’t employee, COBRA laws enabled me to get health insurance for my own coverage.

Mine moved his mother in to take care of him and the kids. Ten years later he’s trying to kick her out now that he doesn’t need her anymore. She finally believes me that he isn’t nice.

I don’t know what your relationship is with his mother, but I would advise you try to keep it civil for the kids, because she may be the one you end up dealing with for schedules, sickness, etc. when they go visit him. She can nurse him through the Crohn’s episodes.

He really shouldn’t expect to come over for free meals anymore. That gives the kids false hope. It’s a farce for him to come in and eat dinner like nothing has happened.

Did you really love him, or his potential, or the image you thought you had of him? You may find that the deception was there before you married. That he had no intention of remaining faithful. You are bound to pray for him as the father of your children, but he is in a dark place and you need to focus on the kids. Go to mass as often as possible. Take care of the kids. Get your own job and social circle. It takes two to make a marriage but only one to really mess it up. That has happened to you. Many of us are in that boat. I’ve been basically alone for 13 years now. Won’t date till the kids are grown. He supplies more drama and chaos than they need. I don’t need to add to it.

Plus, who would I trust?

If it’s any help, the new wears off and the old shines through and he’ll probably go through many women and never find one who loved him like you did. And he will know deep down HE threw it away and has only himself to blame.

But please, dear, protect your own financial interest. Get a regular payment plan for child support and alimony. Get a regular visitation schedule so you can plan your own life. Right now he is pulling everyone’s chain and calling all the shots and taking advantage of your lingering love for him.

Start packing picnic dinners and going to the park so you’re not there when he shows up for dinner with the kids. Do things differently. Sometimes God allows these things to happen to protect you down the line. You can’t protect your children from a broken family. I understand how you wanted to. What you can do now is to teach them by your own example how to be dependable, resilient, and strong when life throws bad things your way. They won’t learn any of that from him. He has only taught them you can’t depend on love or a vow and that people lie and leave. You will be the one to show them that some people are trustworthy.

What you can’t have is him dropping in whenever he chooses. Prepare for the fact that the first time you tell him he can’t come in he will be angry. He’s used to getting his way. Ask him kindly to please stick to the calendar. And when he visits, unless there are safety issues, maybe he needs to take the kids back to his mother’s to visit. Give you a few minutes to yourself to shop, think or get things done.

You need to start drawing boundaries. He has had many for years. A whole life you didn’t know about. You have the right to close him out of your privacy and your time. It’s the only way you can heal.

Good luck! Many of us have managed to survive, a little older, sadder and wiser. But survived.
 
Jesus says,

"Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning "made them male and female,’ and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mt 19:4-6.

We fail Jesus every day, yet He does not divorce us!

"Then he said to them all, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Lk 9:23

This is our examination. Do we deny ourselves and take up our cross daily and follow Jesus?

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

Mark
 
Mark77 said:
Jesus says,

"Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning "made them male and female,’ and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mt 19:4-6.

We fail Jesus every day, yet He does not divorce us!

"Then he said to them all, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Lk 9:23

This is our examination. Do we deny ourselves and take up our cross daily and follow Jesus?

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

Mark
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Why don’t you share with us how you handled raising children alone while your wife lived with her mother while carrying on a five year affair.

And then please give your advice on how you handled filing for bankruptcy after your wife opened several credit cards and had unpaid medical bills and a car accident- since this is the situation she is opening herself up to by not divorcing a man who is not living with her, not contributing to her support, and carrying on an affair with another woman.
 
**"My first reaction is/was to save my children the pain of a broken family. I am slowly regaining some of the strength he sapped from me over the years. It is a big step for me to acknowledge that if I do not allow myself to heal I cannot help my children heal.

I have floundered - not knowing to what lengths I must go… how much pain is required of me… at what point have I exhausted all methods for “fixing” my marriage. I’m beginning to accept that he has been gone for a very long time. I’m sad to finally realize that I was alone in my quest to repair the damage."**

It sounds like your marriage is already broken, so you aren’t really saving your children from anything. As you are finding out, it takes both spouses to make it work too, not just one.

Your husband isn’t loving you, but is disrespecting you. He has abandoned you and your children. I don’t recall that Christ has abandoned His Church, so some of the statements people here have made to you are off base, imo.

Legally, you need to protect yourself now. If your husband behaves even more irresponsibly, and ends up costing you your home and worse, that will hurt your children even further. Something like that happened to a friend of mine. She ended up having to sell the household furniture in order to buy food for their children. She was literally left penniless by her faithless spouse.

Personally, I would file for divorce if I were in your shoes. Actually, I was in your shoes a few years ago, after my ex-husband abandoned us, his family. It is not easy, but sometimes life isn’t. That is where leaning on God for strength helps.
 
To all that have replied so honestly to my post, thank you. I’ve read them over an over again and have considered every word. Thank you for your prayers for me and my family. 🙂

Late last evening, after my beautiful children were all asleep and the home was quiet and peaceful… I prayed for peace - peace from the storm of hurt and emotions, and even if just for a temporary time, I have found an acceptance and calm.

I wonder HOW someone like myself, educated, loving, of strong faith, did not SEE or KNOW what was happening to my marriage? The answer is that I TRUSTED him with my entire life – body, mind, and soul. It is so disturbing to me that he treated me this way and I was essentially “living with the enemy” for years. I guess I preferred to deny what I should have recognized.

My husband was not raised in a religious family. In fact, he was raised in a pretty dysfunctional family… alcoholic father etc… He cherished me and my traditional upbringing, religious values, etc. I WAS loved. He became Catholic (his own choice, not mine) and was baptized just prior to our marriage. I guess he saw me as a way to become who he thought he wanted to be.

I believe now that I have held on so tightly to an unrealistic view of him because I feel RESPONSIBLE for his soul. He became Catholic for me… Obviously I failed in helping him grow in faith. I fear now that he is lost and I can’t bear the thought of him dying in such a state of sin…

A “God-given epiphany” during the quiet reflection of last evening has released me from this torture… I cannot take on all this responsibility… I must let God love, heal and guide my husband – and hopefully save him. I am not capable of doing this. I am too broken. I have to let go and let God… Am I on-base here? Is this the path to becoming a whole, living, breathing, feeling person again? I think so.

So, to live according to God’s plan for me, I will tidy up the left-over financial details so that my children and I are protected. I will demand he establish a monthly deposit of the support $ promised. I will enforce healthy boundaries. I will find supportive friends and find a hobby to do on his visitation evenings. I will thank God every day for the job that recently fell in my lap, and I will get on with my life.

I will be forever grateful for the clarity that many here have provided. God bless me, my kids, and you all!

Incidently, this morning my youngest came up behind me, gave me a hug and said “I love that song you are humming. You sound happy today!” I didn’t even realize I was humming! Proof that there is hope for my life. 😉
 
BMB said:
To all that have replied so honestly to my post, thank you. I’ve read them over an over again and have considered every word. Thank you for your prayers for me and my family. 🙂

Late last evening, after my beautiful children were all asleep and the home was quiet and peaceful… I prayed for peace - peace from the storm of hurt and emotions, and even if just for a temporary time, I have found an acceptance and calm.

I wonder HOW someone like myself, educated, loving, of strong faith, did not SEE or KNOW what was happening to my marriage? The answer is that I TRUSTED him with my entire life – body, mind, and soul. It is so disturbing to me that he treated me this way and I was essentially “living with the enemy” for years. I guess I preferred to deny what I should have recognized.

My husband was not raised in a religious family. In fact, he was raised in a pretty dysfunctional family… alcoholic father etc… He cherished me and my traditional upbringing, religious values, etc. I WAS loved. He became Catholic (his own choice, not mine) and was baptized just prior to our marriage. I guess he saw me as a way to become who he thought he wanted to be.

I believe now that I have held on so tightly to an unrealistic view of him because I feel RESPONSIBLE for his soul. He became Catholic for me… Obviously I failed in helping him grow in faith. I fear now that he is lost and I can’t bear the thought of him dying in such a state of sin…

A “God-given epiphany” during the quiet reflection of last evening has released me from this torture… I cannot take on all this responsibility… I must let God love, heal and guide my husband – and hopefully save him. I am not capable of doing this. I am too broken. I have to let go and let God… Am I on-base here? Is this the path to becoming a whole, living, breathing, feeling person again? I think so.

So, to live according to God’s plan for me, I will tidy up the left-over financial details so that my children and I are protected. I will demand he establish a monthly deposit of the support $ promised. I will enforce healthy boundaries. I will find supportive friends and find a hobby to do on his visitation evenings. I will thank God every day for the job that recently fell in my lap, and I will get on with my life.

I will be forever grateful for the clarity that many here have provided. God bless me, my kids, and you all!

Incidently, this morning my youngest came up behind me, gave me a hug and said “I love that song you are humming. You sound happy today!” I didn’t even realize I was humming! Proof that there is hope for my life. 😉
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God is so awesome! Your post brightened my day, and so happy that you are feeling in better spirits. You have so much to offer, in just the short time you have posted here, you have a lot to offer people here, who might be going through similiar situations. God bless, and I’ll continue to keep your situation in my prayers. Please pray for me, too…I think we all can use prayers!🙂
 
Obviously I failed in helping him grow in faith. I fear now that he is lost and I can’t bear the thought of him dying in such a state of sin…
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I could have written your last post word for word. And he used my concern for his soul to get a “second chance” that proved disastrous for me. YOU didn’t fail to help him grow in faith. HE is the one who rejected all the things you offered. If he is lost, it’s because the faith never really went deeply enough. He was playacting. How he dies is of no concern to you. You need to concentrate on keeping your children from following his example.

Good luck! You spent years being an instrument of God’s grace in his life. He rejected you, everything you were doing, the unselfish love you gave him and God. Someday he may realize that everything that goes wrong with his life from now on is HIS choice.
 
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