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Liberanosamalo
Guest
BMB, I could relate story for story what you have said.
You are wise not to go to the CO. Let the other woman’s husband do it. Do as little as possible to keep from being a lightning rod. You are lucky in that he already has chosen his next victim. And yes, she will be a victim. She just doesn’t know it right now.
An NPD turns nasty once you are vulnerable. Yes, it usually is triggered by pregnancy. Then the game is over. They don’t want a needy wife. YOU were supposed to take care of THEM.
Mine was mad at me once because I couldn’t drive him to the airport the day after I had surgery. Doctor’s orders. Almost miscarried, but he was off on a vacation (without me and the kids, of course.) No doubt he would have left anyway if I had found out the day before I had cancer. He didn’t want to waste the $438 ticket you know.
And no, never got gifts. Though it was fun at Christmas to wrap the hundreds of dollars of gifts he’d give to his cousin and her husband “because they were good to him.”
The first birthday after we were married I got a lovely necklace. That was the last nice gift I ever got that cost more than $20 (unless you count the gun he gave me for Christmas one year that he took when he left. “Gee, Santa, a Smith and Wesson. Just what I ALWAYS wanted… gee…”) Or the microwave oven. I was just dying for one of those for Christmas. Later I found out he had bought that gift three weeks after we got engaged. And kept it and didn’t give it to me for 10 months. But he lied about it. He lied about everything. Big things, little things. I didn’t find out that lie until about 15 years later when I found the receipt in a box of papers. So the one nice gift I ever got was purchased before the wedding.
Some birthdays he wouldn’t give me a gift because “I made him mad and didn’t deserve one.”
Many of us have survived this. We convinced ourselves it wasn’t so bad. But it was. It was having your personality stripped away little by little. But once in a while you’d see a sibling’s marriage or a friend’s interaction with her husband and it was a bucket of cold water on your face. Other people don’t live like you do.
Someday the mistress may call you in tears. Be ready for it. Right now he is telling her you are crazy. But someday she may want to talk to you. Thank God for her because she lured him away from you and saved you from being dragged further into the pit.
Go reclaim yourself, Girlfriend! Have your hair done. In a way you always wanted to but he wouldn’t have liked.
You are wise not to go to the CO. Let the other woman’s husband do it. Do as little as possible to keep from being a lightning rod. You are lucky in that he already has chosen his next victim. And yes, she will be a victim. She just doesn’t know it right now.
An NPD turns nasty once you are vulnerable. Yes, it usually is triggered by pregnancy. Then the game is over. They don’t want a needy wife. YOU were supposed to take care of THEM.
Mine was mad at me once because I couldn’t drive him to the airport the day after I had surgery. Doctor’s orders. Almost miscarried, but he was off on a vacation (without me and the kids, of course.) No doubt he would have left anyway if I had found out the day before I had cancer. He didn’t want to waste the $438 ticket you know.
And no, never got gifts. Though it was fun at Christmas to wrap the hundreds of dollars of gifts he’d give to his cousin and her husband “because they were good to him.”
The first birthday after we were married I got a lovely necklace. That was the last nice gift I ever got that cost more than $20 (unless you count the gun he gave me for Christmas one year that he took when he left. “Gee, Santa, a Smith and Wesson. Just what I ALWAYS wanted… gee…”) Or the microwave oven. I was just dying for one of those for Christmas. Later I found out he had bought that gift three weeks after we got engaged. And kept it and didn’t give it to me for 10 months. But he lied about it. He lied about everything. Big things, little things. I didn’t find out that lie until about 15 years later when I found the receipt in a box of papers. So the one nice gift I ever got was purchased before the wedding.
Some birthdays he wouldn’t give me a gift because “I made him mad and didn’t deserve one.”
Many of us have survived this. We convinced ourselves it wasn’t so bad. But it was. It was having your personality stripped away little by little. But once in a while you’d see a sibling’s marriage or a friend’s interaction with her husband and it was a bucket of cold water on your face. Other people don’t live like you do.
Someday the mistress may call you in tears. Be ready for it. Right now he is telling her you are crazy. But someday she may want to talk to you. Thank God for her because she lured him away from you and saved you from being dragged further into the pit.
Go reclaim yourself, Girlfriend! Have your hair done. In a way you always wanted to but he wouldn’t have liked.
P
proactive
Guest
Dear BMB,
Being a Catholic first, then a psychologist, a Vietnam combat veteran, and having many years of experience treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in my patients, I can confidently tell you that you did not fail in your marriage. I have heard what you described from the wives of veterans many times before.
From my own experience and recovery, and from treating other veterans, the trauma of combat can manifest sometimes years after the events.
Trauma victims have a great deal of difficulty sustaining close and meaningful relationships and those they have, they sabotage. Unless treated, the victim will go from relationship to relationship, they will most likely develop an addiction to delirium-inducing substances, and as each relationship starts to develop, he or she will again sabotage it. The fear of intimacy and a belief it will end tragically is the primary subconscious fear of the trauma victim. To feel in control, trauma victims end relationships so they won’t be “shocked” in the future, and thus, as they believe, lose another friend or again come close to their own death.
The maturity process of trauma victims goes not just into arrest, but the victim often regresses back to an earlier age of undeveloped impulse control to include an abandonment of social rules.
You have nothing to be ashamed about. It isn’t you, my friend. Stay loyal and “take it to the wall” in your efforts to keep your marriage together, but there may come a time when you have to surrender to save your mental and physical health, and that of your children. Above all, pray for GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION ( GOD). The Lord will sustain you, and HE will not abandon you.
A strong prayer is coming your way this evening.
Proactive
L
limerick
Guest
BMB,
One of the great gifts you will be given by your recent experiences with a deceitful partner is that you will learn how not to repeat the behaviors that set you up to be hurt or resentful or empty. These men cannot get away with these behaviors unless we let them. And most of the women I know have been in relationships where they would do, and have done, everything under the sun to keep their partners happy, with the same sad result as you are having now. The problem lies in the fact that we have all lost ourselves in the relationship. We’ve all measured our worth by the smile on our partners’ faces, not by achieving goals and realizing dreams of our own along the way, which was our right all along, albeit a silent one.
Once we learn to stand tall within a relationship we can learn to balance our lives. So many of us just gave ourselves completely away. I won’t do it again. I’ve been divorced a long, long time and have no desire to become entangled again. But many, many women do survive divorce and seek companionship or love on some level. I pray that your view of yourself continues to improve every day as you make these strides toward autonomy (and fresh air!) You are in my prayers, and you have found a home here. Bless you in your journey.
Limerick
One of the great gifts you will be given by your recent experiences with a deceitful partner is that you will learn how not to repeat the behaviors that set you up to be hurt or resentful or empty. These men cannot get away with these behaviors unless we let them. And most of the women I know have been in relationships where they would do, and have done, everything under the sun to keep their partners happy, with the same sad result as you are having now. The problem lies in the fact that we have all lost ourselves in the relationship. We’ve all measured our worth by the smile on our partners’ faces, not by achieving goals and realizing dreams of our own along the way, which was our right all along, albeit a silent one.
Once we learn to stand tall within a relationship we can learn to balance our lives. So many of us just gave ourselves completely away. I won’t do it again. I’ve been divorced a long, long time and have no desire to become entangled again. But many, many women do survive divorce and seek companionship or love on some level. I pray that your view of yourself continues to improve every day as you make these strides toward autonomy (and fresh air!) You are in my prayers, and you have found a home here. Bless you in your journey.
Limerick
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BMB
Guest
Don’t get me wrong, I have felt outragious disgust for this women… but have felt a bit of pity for her too. Others don’t get that I have any compassion for her but I “know” she will be devastated by him eventually. So sad for her husband and children. Even said to him early on, “you wil destroy her too.”
Speaking of black humor… after surgery to remove a ovarian tumor (not cancerous, thank God) I had complicatins. Vomited 12 hours straight from an intestinal blockage. He simply COULD NOT miss a breakfast meeting, so left me alone with 3 kids until my Mom came- took me to the hospital for emergency surgery.
Christmas gifts… Oh my… couldn’t trust him to do anything so Birthdays and holidays are mine to handle alone. He 'soaks up" all the thanks & loving that follows though.
It is truly astounding how similar yours and other posts are to my experiences. Thank God dh’s not violent, but he is incredibly dismissive of me and my ideas, wants, needs. Invalidated at evey turn. He messed up though when he started doing this in front of my teenaged daughter. Lit a spark in me. I WILL not let her believe that it is ok to be treated this way. Started looking for answers and found the proof of the infidelity.
With God’s help I will survive him and his destructive behaviors.
I will never cease praying for him… but my children and I will survive as you and yours have! :clapping: I absolutely believe God directed me to this site. Do your think he guides our hands? I can’t even recall my state of mind when I first posted. I’ve never read any forums or posted in my life. I have begun to recognize all the angels/support in my life, Siblings, counselor, Priest and on-line sisters/brothers. Thanks. Keep the prayers coming and right back at 'cha.
J
jmcrae
Guest
You know, one thing this thread is also doing, is making me really appreciate my kind, generous, thoughtful husband. 
I get roses and chocolate for Valentine’s Day and that plus dinner out for our anniversary, dinner out and roses for my birthday, and pretty much whatever I want, for Christmas. He doesn’t hassle me about the housework at all, and if I’m sick, he just takes over - no questions asked. (I can’t find anything, after I get well again, but really - that’s nothing.) And one time when I was in the hospital, he wouldn’t leave, other than to run home and get stuff that I wanted or needed. Drove the nurses crazy - they’d never seen anything like it.
I get roses and chocolate for Valentine’s Day and that plus dinner out for our anniversary, dinner out and roses for my birthday, and pretty much whatever I want, for Christmas. He doesn’t hassle me about the housework at all, and if I’m sick, he just takes over - no questions asked. (I can’t find anything, after I get well again, but really - that’s nothing.) And one time when I was in the hospital, he wouldn’t leave, other than to run home and get stuff that I wanted or needed. Drove the nurses crazy - they’d never seen anything like it.
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BMB
Guest
You ARE truly blessed. Don’t take it for granted!You know, one thing this thread is also doing, is making me really appreciate my kind, generous, thoughtful husband.
M
micatholic
Guest
Divorce should never be an option. Separation, yes. Divorce, never. It is abortion. I have been through both and they are both the work of evil.
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EvelynEVF
Guest
Yeah, divorce “should” never be an option, because infidelity and abuse should never be options. We shouldn’t have to protect ourselves from men who vowed to love and honor us until death parts us.
Should. Should. Should. Have you heard the line about how you have to stop shoulding all over yourself?
BMB, my dh is a clone of yours and Liberanosamalo’s. One thing that helped me a lot, coming out of a church background where women were supposed to be happy to take care of every little thing for the dh, was to hear an excellent definition of submission. I’ve heard it attributed to Tony Evans and Beth Moor, but who knows.
Submission is knowing when to duck, so that God can get a clear shot at your husband.
I have stopped feeling guilty about letting go of protecting my husband from consequences. It would be more appropriate to feel guilty about protecting him! How could God work in his life if I kept handling everything for him? Not said to inspire guilt, but to show the absurdity of the position.
I’ve done a lot of healing since I moved out. Oh, and it helps quite a bit that my house is mine and dh has no access. You’ve got to have a truly safe place somewhere. I had friends’ houses, for an hour here or there, but having my own makes a big difference.
Should. Should. Should. Have you heard the line about how you have to stop shoulding all over yourself?
BMB, my dh is a clone of yours and Liberanosamalo’s. One thing that helped me a lot, coming out of a church background where women were supposed to be happy to take care of every little thing for the dh, was to hear an excellent definition of submission. I’ve heard it attributed to Tony Evans and Beth Moor, but who knows.
Submission is knowing when to duck, so that God can get a clear shot at your husband.
I have stopped feeling guilty about letting go of protecting my husband from consequences. It would be more appropriate to feel guilty about protecting him! How could God work in his life if I kept handling everything for him? Not said to inspire guilt, but to show the absurdity of the position.
I’ve done a lot of healing since I moved out. Oh, and it helps quite a bit that my house is mine and dh has no access. You’ve got to have a truly safe place somewhere. I had friends’ houses, for an hour here or there, but having my own makes a big difference.
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Lerin
Guest
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BMB
Guest
I have ABSOLUTELY come to this same conclusion, thanks to my Priest, counselor, and on-line friends with real life experience in the matters I am facing. I do him no favors when I continue to Mother him and be used by him. Time to sink or swim little boy.
God willing, I will find myself in a more comfortable, safe, and empowering home soon. “Our” house is on the market. In these economic times it has been very slow to sell (even with St. Joseph buried in the yard
) but I am HOPEFUL. Whenmy children and I move to a new place, I will protect my privacy with my life! No duplicate keys and free-will access. No WAY. Also, no free meals for him.
Still working diligently on separating all the financial ties, but am moving along steadily. TAxes done,… bank account separated, **Partial **amount of debt transferred.
Amazed at how child-like he is in this arena. I had pity and had to promise him I would help him set up his automatic bill pay and teach him how to use online banking. Vice Pres of Engineering but not able to balance a checkbook? I promised one months’ tutorial… no more. HE CAN do it but it’s kinda like kicking the baby bird out of the nest. beyond comprehension really.
Or- he can have honey take over but I suspect he doesn’t want her to know how little he can manage finances.
LOve and prayers to you all. THanks for the understanding and support.
L
Liberanosamalo
Guest
Ahahahaha! It’s amazing. After all the years of being told how stupid I was and how smart he was… I handled multiple moves (two overseas) with little to no help. I paid bills. Handled mail changes. You know how it goes.
So he moves out. His mommy takes over his checkbook and even helps pay utilities for him. She makes sure all the checks are written. But he sent the card to the post office to change mail. Well,that goes on for three months. Then he doesn’t get his mail anymore. He comes after me, calling me, threatening me with police because I’m interfering with his mail!
Seems he didn’t know that fairies don’t inform all the companies that you moved. The post office will divert mail to give you a chance to change all the addresses with your magazines, bills, etc. But gee, he didn’t have the stupid little fairy to do that anymore and he didn’t know he had to do it himself.
How he ever got as far as he did in life is a big mystery.
So yes, I understand the incomprehensible spectacle in front of you. Realize that YOU were what kept him afloat all these years. YOU can survive without him. Whether he will be able to survive without you depends on how much of an enabler his mother is.
So he moves out. His mommy takes over his checkbook and even helps pay utilities for him. She makes sure all the checks are written. But he sent the card to the post office to change mail. Well,that goes on for three months. Then he doesn’t get his mail anymore. He comes after me, calling me, threatening me with police because I’m interfering with his mail!
Seems he didn’t know that fairies don’t inform all the companies that you moved. The post office will divert mail to give you a chance to change all the addresses with your magazines, bills, etc. But gee, he didn’t have the stupid little fairy to do that anymore and he didn’t know he had to do it himself.
How he ever got as far as he did in life is a big mystery.
So yes, I understand the incomprehensible spectacle in front of you. Realize that YOU were what kept him afloat all these years. YOU can survive without him. Whether he will be able to survive without you depends on how much of an enabler his mother is.
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
BMB, I wanted to reply to the question of how did we children (my sister and I) manage not to become like my cheating father. I only got stuck reading the thread about the narcissistic spouse - that was educating. And the question of the spouse’s influence on the children was also raised on that thread, several times.
I think partly we (my sister and I) were lucky b/c my father was totally out of the picture some time after the divorce, he no longer visited us and we lost contact with him. My mother who is a very straight Catholic Christian obviously raised us according to her system of values. We went to church every Sunday, we learned to always tell the truth, take school seriously, help at home with the household work, etc. Even while my father was still somewhat in contact with us, it was clear to us children that in our mother’s home we had to behave according to our mother’s rules, and moving back and forth between our mother and father would not be tolerated. We were free to choose to move to our father once and for all if we wanted to, but moving back and forth at will, as a way to escape parental discipline, would not be an option. And I can tell, even an 8 y.o. child is old enough and smart enough to realize, who is the parent who really loves him and provides him with a safe and stable home (even if that comes at the “expense” that you, as a child, have to obey your parent
).
Another thing that, I think, my mother did right, we had frank and age-appropriate discussions about why my parents divorced. Some things were obvious and needed no explanation. I remember a few occasions when my father tried to be physically violent with my mother. Because of this, my sister and I were both afraid of my father and divorce was a great relief for us children. But we also discussed the other things, e.g. that my father stopped bringing home his salary, and later on (I was probably a teenager and could handle discussing aspects of sexuality) our mother also told us that my father stopped marital intimacy with her after she became pregnant with me, and that he had a mistress for 5 years while still living under one roof with us. But certain things about my father’s dealings with other women we knew much earlier, because after my father left us, he started dating the mother of my sister’s classmate and this we knew even as small children. I think, given the choice to discuss the truth with your children or not to discuss it, it is better to discuss it in an age-appropriate fashion. Yes, it will hurt to know that their father did this and that, but at least they will know what happened and why their parents’ marriage fell apart. Children question this and struggle with these questions anyway, so it is better for them to learn the truth. And that will still not exempt them from honoring their father, because the 4th commandment is “Honor your father and mother.” Period, no ifs and buts. It’s not like “Honor them, if they deserve it.”
Now that my father’s wife (from 2nd civil marriage) passed away this January, my sister and BIL kept visiting my father every 2 weeks, to look after him (my sister also took care of the funeral). My sister tells me, recently they had an unpleasant discussion about the past. My father initiated it, because we the children always carefully avoid talking about such things. It would be very unpleasant for us and confrontative towards our father, because we know the truth. So what could we say to our father? Maybe, something like “we know that you cheated on our mother, and we remember how you treated her, and that you chased us out from our home so that we had to take refuge at our aunt for two and a half years, until the divorce was finalized and you were required by law to move out from our mother’s house??” There’s no point having discussions such as these. But, my father started talking about the past while my sister and BIL visited him. My sister tells me that he has no remorse about the past whatsoever, and in his mind, everything that he did to us was fully within his rights and fully appropriate. Almost 40 years after the facts, nothing changed in his mind and he learned nothing from the past.
Now, I became very worried about his eternal salvation and I decided to increase my prayers for him, as well as to bring him a picture of the Divine Mercy as a gift. Jesus promised that whoever will venerate that image, will not perish.
I think partly we (my sister and I) were lucky b/c my father was totally out of the picture some time after the divorce, he no longer visited us and we lost contact with him. My mother who is a very straight Catholic Christian obviously raised us according to her system of values. We went to church every Sunday, we learned to always tell the truth, take school seriously, help at home with the household work, etc. Even while my father was still somewhat in contact with us, it was clear to us children that in our mother’s home we had to behave according to our mother’s rules, and moving back and forth between our mother and father would not be tolerated. We were free to choose to move to our father once and for all if we wanted to, but moving back and forth at will, as a way to escape parental discipline, would not be an option. And I can tell, even an 8 y.o. child is old enough and smart enough to realize, who is the parent who really loves him and provides him with a safe and stable home (even if that comes at the “expense” that you, as a child, have to obey your parent
).Another thing that, I think, my mother did right, we had frank and age-appropriate discussions about why my parents divorced. Some things were obvious and needed no explanation. I remember a few occasions when my father tried to be physically violent with my mother. Because of this, my sister and I were both afraid of my father and divorce was a great relief for us children. But we also discussed the other things, e.g. that my father stopped bringing home his salary, and later on (I was probably a teenager and could handle discussing aspects of sexuality) our mother also told us that my father stopped marital intimacy with her after she became pregnant with me, and that he had a mistress for 5 years while still living under one roof with us. But certain things about my father’s dealings with other women we knew much earlier, because after my father left us, he started dating the mother of my sister’s classmate and this we knew even as small children. I think, given the choice to discuss the truth with your children or not to discuss it, it is better to discuss it in an age-appropriate fashion. Yes, it will hurt to know that their father did this and that, but at least they will know what happened and why their parents’ marriage fell apart. Children question this and struggle with these questions anyway, so it is better for them to learn the truth. And that will still not exempt them from honoring their father, because the 4th commandment is “Honor your father and mother.” Period, no ifs and buts. It’s not like “Honor them, if they deserve it.”
Now that my father’s wife (from 2nd civil marriage) passed away this January, my sister and BIL kept visiting my father every 2 weeks, to look after him (my sister also took care of the funeral). My sister tells me, recently they had an unpleasant discussion about the past. My father initiated it, because we the children always carefully avoid talking about such things. It would be very unpleasant for us and confrontative towards our father, because we know the truth. So what could we say to our father? Maybe, something like “we know that you cheated on our mother, and we remember how you treated her, and that you chased us out from our home so that we had to take refuge at our aunt for two and a half years, until the divorce was finalized and you were required by law to move out from our mother’s house??” There’s no point having discussions such as these. But, my father started talking about the past while my sister and BIL visited him. My sister tells me that he has no remorse about the past whatsoever, and in his mind, everything that he did to us was fully within his rights and fully appropriate. Almost 40 years after the facts, nothing changed in his mind and he learned nothing from the past.
Now, I became very worried about his eternal salvation and I decided to increase my prayers for him, as well as to bring him a picture of the Divine Mercy as a gift. Jesus promised that whoever will venerate that image, will not perish.
J
jmcrae
Guest
Y
Submission is knowing when to duck, so that God can get a clear shot at your husband.
Good one!
L
Liberanosamalo
Guest
Joseph, thank you for that honesty. I too have struggled with putting a blank face on the unspeakable and not saying anything to the kids (like the courts want me to) and pretending “it just didn’t work.” But that seems to dishonor my children, and I know children invent worse things when they aren’t given answers. So I was always honest with them.
I hope someday they will see that honesty for what it was and appreciate my respecting them enough.
Thank you for the glimpse into the future. Narcissists never see anything they do as bad. How sad even at the end of his life, your father still justifies all the hurt and pain he caused. You are very kind to pray for his soul or even care what happens to it. Because it doesn’t sound like the reverse is true. You are a better man than your father.
I hope someday they will see that honesty for what it was and appreciate my respecting them enough.
Thank you for the glimpse into the future. Narcissists never see anything they do as bad. How sad even at the end of his life, your father still justifies all the hurt and pain he caused. You are very kind to pray for his soul or even care what happens to it. Because it doesn’t sound like the reverse is true. You are a better man than your father.
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
I think that would be totally irresponsible, what the courts would want you to do, Liberanosamalo. Life has lessons to offer, and actions have consequences, as you so eloquently pointed it out. It is your parental duty to teach your children about right and wrong, and they should learn that what their father did was immoral, destructive, and self-destructive.
Regarding my experiences as a child, I also remember two occasions when my father successfully manipulated me against my mother. In one case, my mother wanted to buy some shoes for me, but we didn’t find anything suitable. Then, my father told me that my mother didn’t love me, she only loved my sister, because she bought shoes for her, but not for me. Quite childish, of course, but I was a child and I believed my father. Then, my mother took me again shopping, and after several hours of unsuccessful browsing through the stores, we picked some sandals for me (we still couldn’t find suitable shoes). By the end of this shopping day, I realized that my mother loved me, too, and when she didn’t buy me shoes, it wasn’t because she didn’t love me… The other occasion that I remember, my father instructed me to tell some deliberate lie in front of my elementary school teacher, and promised to buy me a bicycle in return. I told the lie, and my mother slapped me right there, in front of the teacher. Children are really malleable, and need to be taught about right and wrong. It’s a pity when the other parent works against your efforts, and you inevitably have to point out to your children how wrong that other parent is.
Regarding my experiences as a child, I also remember two occasions when my father successfully manipulated me against my mother. In one case, my mother wanted to buy some shoes for me, but we didn’t find anything suitable. Then, my father told me that my mother didn’t love me, she only loved my sister, because she bought shoes for her, but not for me. Quite childish, of course, but I was a child and I believed my father. Then, my mother took me again shopping, and after several hours of unsuccessful browsing through the stores, we picked some sandals for me (we still couldn’t find suitable shoes). By the end of this shopping day, I realized that my mother loved me, too, and when she didn’t buy me shoes, it wasn’t because she didn’t love me… The other occasion that I remember, my father instructed me to tell some deliberate lie in front of my elementary school teacher, and promised to buy me a bicycle in return. I told the lie, and my mother slapped me right there, in front of the teacher. Children are really malleable, and need to be taught about right and wrong. It’s a pity when the other parent works against your efforts, and you inevitably have to point out to your children how wrong that other parent is.
G
graceandglory
Guest
Well, for me it took several years to come to the point of looking at God’s word on the matter and realizing that I would have to be celibate for the rest of my life or else be reconciled to my husband.
When living celibate and alone, most likely destitute and under the poverty level, is a better option, then that would be the point to let go.
BUT, God is a God of reconciliation. At the heart of Christ’s teaching on marriage is God’s command for reconciliation.
Marriage is hard, it is a life of self sacrifice. Especially so, if your husband is away on military leave. Or in college, or a doctor, or a lawyer, or a protestant minister, or a policeman, or a fireman. Marriage is just hard. It’s not for the faint of heart.
These thoughts are only my own.
A
Angels_Unaware
Guest
Funny, I never felt anything but peace and joy being celibate and alone.
Destitute and under the poverty level is never permanent in this country. With time and hard work a single mother can support herself if she educates herself.
B
BMB
Guest
How does one DO this without totally destroying a childs trust and love for a parent?
I struggle with my youngest, she is 11. As far as she is concerned, her Father set the moon. He is VERY attentive and showers her with affection. I believe he is so desperate to have her see him as perfect, that he puts all his focus on her. My counselor believes that she is so attached because dh neglected the kids for so long - dd is afraid of losing him again. Realistically, he is going to hurt her because his nature will not allow him to love unconditionally. I don’t know how to protect her without being the “bad guy.”
I am concerned of subtle manipulation because he makes sure that she sees him giving me a valentines card and flowers… (first time in 17 years - maybe there was a 2 for 1 special as I am sure the same went to his honey.) My youngest DOESN’T KNOW the truth of why he left though. She is confused because he gives the appearance of CARING for me.
Yesterday, she was very weepy and I just KNEW she was thinking about the possibility of the divorce. Her biggest fear is that her DAD will remarry and have a new family… and no time/love for her. Well, how do you tell her the likelihood of that is VERY good?
I’ve felt very guilty about my oldest knowing the reason for the separation (no details about who or how long, just that infidelity had occured.) but this thread has helped me with that. Thank you Joseph… I now know, that becaused she ASKED specifically, she was ready to hear the truth. Now she speaks very little to her father. She avoids his visits. I’m am sorry he has lost her respect but I am not willing to take the blame for this. I cannot hide the truth & allow her to be treated as I have been. That would be a bigger sin.
As for my son… (15) he does not know WHY but has mentioned only that Dad is “messing up.” He knows his Dad is no longer attending church. Perhaps the best approach is to admit that Dad is “lost” and we can pray for God to guide him.
Joseph, your Mother was obviously a women of strong morals and convictions… and a loving Mother. Thank God you had one parent grounded in reality and someone who could guide you in your faith. I can only hope I can provide the same to my kids.
Thanks for your posts and for your insights.
B
BMB
Guest
So right. Despite doing all these necessary, overwhelming (overseas moves… geez), and tediously detailed "things’ your dh believed you stupid. So wrong… So self serving… So ignorant… Has he ever recognized your true worth/value? I expect that would be impossible for a narcissist… that would mean he was WRONG. Not gonna happen.
You are an inspiration to me and a “formidable” woman. Thanks for ALL the great advice.
Praying for you and your kids.
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