I didn’t read all of your posts, but from what I read was moved to ask if you’ve explored the more mystical and philosophical side of the faith. Karl Rahner, Bernard Lonergan, Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, Edith Stein, John Henry Newman. John of the Cross, Henry Suso, Meister Eckhart, Fulton Sheen, Joseph Ratzinger to name some.
I began with agnosticism, then began spiritual reading which lead to learning about levels of consciousness, Eastern thought, and then came across the Catholic contemplatives and theologians. These last seemed to me to contain all the same truth I was learning from the other paths, and them some. And they had a depth that I didn’t find in “street-level apologetics.” Not that that’s a bad thing. At the same time it was helpful for me to be intellectually challenged by someone like Karl Rahner versus be told just to be nice to people over and over again (my experience - not claiming this is universal.)