Attracted to someone not your spouse?

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Scout:
Well, that’s just your opinion. Since I was the one it was addressed to, I am completely within my right to express how I FELT.
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And yes, there were a couple who sympathized with the situation and showed some compassion, but I would hardly categorize you as one of them. You told me I wasn’t a real woman-how unsympathetic and unChristian can you get? You weren’t trying to help, you were trying to berate me into doing what you thought I needed to do. So, please don’t tell me what I feel is a load of garbage. :mad:
Scout :tiphat:

Originally Posted by Island Oak
]What a load of garbage. I posted on your thread and read all the other posts. No one even came close to such name calling. Quite to the contrary, almost everyone who wrote empathized with you and shared their own experience of dealing with this very common challenge. They also offered you the truth–in the form of solid advice about some tough changes you need to make to assure that your marriage remains intact and you protect yourself from sin. I think that’s the part you didn’t care for. Even you came to the thread knowing you were in trouble. What in the world did you expect from a post on a Catholic website!!! Encouragement to follow your feelings no matter where they led you?]

***Can you two make up and call it a truce!! Your beginning to sound more like a married couple than forum participants!! :banghead: ***
 
***Can you two make up and call it a truce!! Your beginning to sound more like a married couple than forum participants!! :banghead: ***

She started it! 😉 😛

Scout :tiphat:
 
Island Oak:
What a load of garbage. I posted on your thread and read all the other posts. No one even came close to such name calling. Quite to the contrary, almost everyone who wrote empathized with you and shared their own experience of dealing with this very common challenge. They also offered you the truth–in the form of solid advice about some tough changes you need to make to assure that your marriage remains intact and you protect yourself from sin. I think that’s the part you didn’t care for. Even you came to the thread knowing you were in trouble. What in the world did you expect from a post on a Catholic website!!! Encouragement to follow your feelings no matter where they led you?
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I did not post this question so Scout could get beat up on another thread. She never said she was going to follow her feelings instead she said quite the opposite empathy hmm let’s see…

Recognize it for what it may well become: Emotional adultery

Get a clue. You like being there. You don’t want to change. He’s a hotty.

you are in need of getting your head on straight. It isn’t on stright now.

Stop fantasizing about this other guy, which is what you are doing by discussing it with total strangers.

Yes there were people with compassion but the was alot of judgemenatlism going on too, and many refused to hear any of Scouts responses. I wasn’t the only one who noticed

Princess Abby-
  • I am surprised by the lack of compassion on this thread. Scout has made it clear that she is in no way wanting or willing to leave her husband or betray him in any physical way. *
    Anyway like I said I didn’t post this thread so Scout could get beat up again so please post those types of comments else where.
 
Sorry, Felra–guess it’s time for me to wash my hands of this mess.

Scout, I don’t think you were the target of any personal attacks nor were any intended, especially by me. Good luck.
 
Island Oak:
Sorry, Felra–guess it’s time for me to wash my hands of this mess.
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Scout, I don’t think you were the target of any personal attacks nor were any intended, especially by me. Good luck.

Originally Posted by** Scout**
***[Can you two make up and call it a truce!! Your beginning to sound more like a married couple than forum participants!! :banghead: ****She started it! 😉 😛 ]

Scout :tiphat:

Now there you go each of you. I hope everybody feels better 😃 …and, I don’t want to find the two of you picking up on this again on another thread!! :tsktsk:
 
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Scout:
This is just my opinion, but I think it is acceptable for men to be attracted to other women, but I think women feel that by being attracted to a man she isn’t married to, that somehow she is betraying her husband. Just because a woman is attracted to someone doesn’t mean she’s going to have an affair. Just as when a man is attracted to another women, one doesn’t automatically assume that he’s going to have an affair. I think that there’s still this ancient idea that women are not sexual beings, and men are nothing but sexual beings, so it’s okay for men but not women.

And in answer to your poll, yes, I’ve been attracted to men other than my husband, but you already knew that.

Personally, I felt raked over the coals. It would’ve saved time if they’d just called me a “whore” and gotten it over with.

Scout :tiphat:
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I didn’t read the other thread so I have no idea what was said or implied. I’m just making an observation…

I think there is a double standard regarding this type of issue, particularly among men. Generally it seems that men have no problem believing that a man can feel an innocent attraction to a woman not his wife, however, they don’t extend that same slack to women. If a woman feels an “attraction”, however innocent to another man, guys get all huffy and moralizing. I’ve had friends who leer at the gals on the beer commercials all weekend get all bent out of shape when their wives make an innocent comment about an attractive actor or some other “hottie”.

By the way, to many men, an attractive woman is a “hottie”, an attractive man is a threat and a mirror to our own shortcomings and insecurities.

I guess it goes back to when we all wandered around in animal skins grunting at each other looking for some hottie to clunk over the noggin with our club.

As for me and mine - after 20 years she’s all I see, no matter who I am looking at. As “Chicken George” said to his wife in ROOTS; “Honey, I don’t seez ya with my eyes, I seez ya with my heart”.

And yes, my insecurity comes through sometimes too.

Now where’s my club… 😉
 
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AirForceMama:
My husband always says I’m beautiful, but it’s kind of hard to believe that he really does think it, and isn’t just saying it to be nice.
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Sounds like a personal problem with self esteem.

Why, when a man gives a compliment, can’t it be taken at face value, and the assumption made that he is telling the truth?
 
Yup, there is a double standard. Shame on us men.

An attraction can’t be helped. Dwelling on it can.

For us visually oriented guys, the rule is: The first look is not intentional, so it’s not wrong. The second look is just sinful oggling, treating her like a sex object.

For women, I dunno. I’ll let you figure it out. But, as with guys, I am sure there is a point at which active avoidance is required or it becomes the same kind of sin as the oggling sinful men do.
 
Yes, I would say in the first half of our marriage I found myself attracted to other men occasionally, yet I no longer do. I made the decision (with God’s help of course) to focus on my husband only, and we are much happier now than when we were first married. What also helps, if you find yourself emotionally/physically attracted to someone, imagine how you would feel if your spouse was having the same feelings about someone other than yourself.

Speaking from my (limited) experience, so called “innocent” attractions to others will only slowly drive your spouse and yourself apart.
 
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rayne89:
These reason I posted the question is on another thread a women admitted to being attracted to a man other than her spouse. She was clear she had no intention of acting on it, she never allows herself to be alone with a man other than her husband, and her husband was a good guy and they had a good marriage.

Many people flipped and insisted she practically on the verge of adultery. I see from the results so far that men lead in the pole (big surprise;) ) but is this some kind of double standard? Is it ok for a man to feel an attraction to women not his wife? But if a women feels an attraction to a man other than her husband she’s practically an adulteress?

Anyway I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut and honesty.
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You might want to read the other thread, particularly the post’s comments.

Being attracted to someone is neither right nor wrong. what we do with that attraction can be right or worng, and wrong to the point of seriously damaging or destroying a marriage. When a woman dwells repeatedly on the non-spouse, to the point of making a statement that she could see herself with this other individual 24 hours a day (her words), it has gone beyond attraction to fixation.

The word “lust” which Christ used, speaking to the Pharisees about adultery, is not restricted to physical atraction.
 
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otm:
You might want to read the other thread, particularly the post’s comments.

Being attracted to someone is neither right nor wrong. what we do with that attraction can be right or worng, and wrong to the point of seriously damaging or destroying a marriage. When a woman dwells repeatedly on the non-spouse, to the point of making a statement that she could see herself with this other individual 24 hours a day (her words), it has gone beyond attraction to fixation.

The word “lust” which Christ used, speaking to the Pharisees about adultery, is not restricted to physical atraction.
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Haven’t we already had this discussion. She did read the other thread, that’s why she started this one. If you have other comments to post about the other thread, you might try posting them there.

Scout :tiphat:
 
To me it’d be one thing if Scout was not trying to fight the attraction. If you asked me, I felt she was being raked over the coals too. If she dwelled on it too much, that seemed mostly our fault for keeping the post going. It just seemed she wrote something then we over-reached with the assumptions. Not that I’m trying to gloss over it saying its nothing serious, but its an area to be attentive too, to keep the gaurd up and avoid whats going to give the near occasion of sin. At the same time remember we are all human & we have the need to confess our sins to another. (Even if its only the priest who can give absolution.) Its much better to have her let some of the tension of here, than to keep it up inside and have something worse later. It’d be much different, if she seemed to think there was no problem with the situation.

As far as the double standard, I think its very much the differances between men and women. Men seem much better at compartmentualizing something like that. Plus, I don’t think men have the same amount of security in the family as the women do. Women seemed to have too much security. In the end it seems that men need to pull themselves up to the standards that women set. Lately it seems many women haven’t set the standards too high, (not really meaning the ones here). But I guess thats their choice.
 
I don’t look at other men, and here’s why. If I see a guy who is physically attractive, I just tell myself first of all I don’t even know him. He may be a crook, a drunk, or some other sort of scoundrel that I would much rather pray for than long for. In any case it is very unlikely that he is as smart, informed, kind, warm-hearted, funny, and hardworking as my husband.

Secondly, I ask God right then and there to help me stay pure in my heart. There are two kinds of adultery, the kind you do in bed and the kind you do in your head.

My husband and I have been through so many hard times togethor. A while back he admitted to me that he was looking at other women “like that”. It was partly because of bad behavior on his part, and partly because I was denying him his marital rights too much at that time. It took a lot to get over that. It hurt. When he told me he was looking at other women rather than me, I didn’t even HEAR his next 500 compliments, all I kept thinking was, yeah, but not as pretty as so and so, huh?

Over the past year we have really talked it out and he has learned that looking at other women with that “intent” is just as damaging to our marriage as adultery. It seperates us from each other. We are both working on it togethor, and he is SO much more respectful to me now. So I actually do believe him when he calls me beautiful. Beauty isn’t in the eye of the beholder, it’s in the beholder’s heart.

As for being emotionally attached to other guys, it happens all the time. It’s called having friends. You don’t ever cross the line, and if it gets to the point where you are even tempted to, it’s called having LONG DISTANCE friends.
 
I am a man, I voted yes, and I see nothing wrong with admiring the beauty of a woman who is not my wife. I thought my grandma was very attractive for her age before she passed away and my youngest sister is at the peak of beauty in her 20’s.

Moreover, I also see women I’m not related to and some whom I don’t even know who have beautiful bodies, hair, faces, smiles, etc. I love that God has blessed them with such beauty. If it’s wrong to admire their beauty, then it’s just as wrong to admire the beauty of a sunset or a picturesque walk in the mountains. They’re both creations of God.

I think many answered the question as if it was, “Ever lust after someone who is not your spouse?”. If you take lust to mean treating or thinking of a person as an object of your selfish gratification, then it’s wrong to lust. Period. Whether the person is your spouse or not has nothing to do with it.

If a man has a hard time not lusting after another woman when he looks at her, then it’s a good idea to avoid looking at her. But I think there’s a much higher ideal worth striving for – to look at such a woman with genuine love, not lust. If we can reach this ideal, I think some of the women we men currently lust after may no longer be as attractive. Those who try to incite us with lust will still be looked upon with love, but also with pity, because only genuine love can satisfy the deepest longing of their hearts, and they’re settling for a counterfeit.
 
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Christian4life:
I don’t look at other men, and here’s why. If I see a guy who is physically attractive, I just tell myself first of all I don’t even know him. He may be a crook, a drunk, or some other sort of scoundrel that I would much rather pray for than long for. In any case it is very unlikely that he is as smart, informed, kind, warm-hearted, funny, and hardworking as my husband.

.
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Christian4life I appreciate your point but I have a somewhat differant view (no pun intended :D). If I see a physically attractive man well I think hmm that’s a very attractive man. Nothing wrong with being attractive and nothing wrong with appreciating the good looks that God has blessed some people with. If you mean looking at them like *that *to mean to I fantasize about them - no ofcourse not. I don’t long for them either. I think wow, that guy’s cute. 😉

I also don’t think that well they may be a crook, or a drunk ect because I try to see the best in people. I think most men are good guys doing the best for there families that they know how. Would I trade mine for anyone else - not for all tea in China. Mines a keeper. :love:
 
“Because you’re on a diet, doesn’t mean you can’t look over the menu” 😉
I have ben married 36 years, and I also find my wife as beautiful and as desireable(alas to no avail these days) as when we first married. During this time I have met several women whom - had I not already been married - could very well have formed a relationship with, and possibly marriage. Because they were different gender did not mean that they could not be friends, but the line was drawn - I must say by me in two of those cases - that I was firmly committed to my wife, and would not entertain any extra-marital hanky-panky. This was respected by one, but the other I never saw again. I would never break the vow I made 36 years ago to my wife - we are one flesh under God’s covenant.
 
First came man,then came sex lastly came religian and all of it’s hang ups.

(Sex,)

The most fun that you can have with out laughing.
 
Doesn’t matter to me as i am so old that i have to take viagra four times a day just to keep from peeing in my sox and i can remember when a curser was someone who walked around sweaing all of the time,coke was a cold drink,grass was something that you sat on at the park and gay ment happy.

(Is that old or what???)
 
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JamesD:
I voted: yes, I am a man.

The No, I am a man, is an oxymoron. It should be changed to: No, I am and always have been a saint.

Uh, Is that you hun?
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I think it is either:
No, I’m a liar OR
No, I’m still too amazed that I managed to marry so far above myself.
(And that goes for the guys and the gals. Gratitude is possibly the only known vaccine for discontent.
 
Yes, I am a Man.

However, as Sir Knight stated quite well, I agree. My lovely wife too gets mor elovely as we age. Me? that’s another story. 😉 She is truly like a fine wine, better with age, timeless beauty. Niether of us are perfect but we are perfect for each other.
 
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