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FightingFat
Guest
It’s a bit like window shopping don’t you think? There’s a big difference between window shopping and stealing what you see. Same with the ladies!
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bengal_fan
Guest
this is not intended to be mean but…everyone who said “no” is not telling the truth or has the gift of celibacy and should have pursued a religious vocation. finding some one else attractive is NOT a sin, acting on that attraction in a lustful or adulterous way is sin. i’m 100% positive that everyone has thought some one else attractive at one time or another, if not then you have no appreciation for beauty…
now…if the question were have you lusted after some one who is not your spouse i would expect some no’s (yes, even from men).
now…if the question were have you lusted after some one who is not your spouse i would expect some no’s (yes, even from men).
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Scout
Guest
Amen to that! :bowdown2:
Scout:tiphat:
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bengal_fan
Guest
thanks scout
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felra
Guest
Actually it is the gift of chastity, whether your vocation in life is an avowed celibate, widow, single or married person.
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chevalier
Guest
No spouse for me - although people tend to think I must be forty or older when they read my outpourings, I’m 21 and never had a fiancee, let alone spouse. Therefore, I don’t think I should vote. But perhaps I could say a thing or two in the discussion.
Attraction is not wrong. Lust is. Even acting on attraction doesn’t always make lust. One doesn’t always have to act “this way” on attraction. Physical or mental adultery (“who looks on a woman to lust after her…”) is pretty clear, but there’s also admiration for beauty and actually even for a personality, and all those many kinds of emotional attachment. I wouldn’t move so far as to construe anything like “emotional adultery”. It sounds like “emotional betrayal” and people are bound to start interpreting it in such a way as to take some weight away from the “physical” one. I believe the problem is when the spouse (or whoever it is) is neglected or replaced in his role, making his role a largely formal one, with the substance being filled by even a non-sexual relationship with another person of the opposite sex. Even with a person of the same sex (not really talking people struggling with bisexual tendencies here) this can be a problem, but with persons of the opposite gender it tends to develop in some sort of a problem, unless the relationship is akin to a parent-child (student-teacher) type of relationship. There will be problems and they will be damaging to the “main”, romantic relationship but I don’t see adultery there. Again, I’m just in my early twenties, so how much can I know.
I have been attracted to ladies other than the person who was my girlfriend at the time, a date or a not-yet-confessed romantic interest. I don’t feel guilty for noticing the person is attractive, but when I catch myself seeking attention, I serve myself a dry remark in my mind. If some sort of physical contact which is normal in friendship brings more joy or a different kind of joy than I think it should, I stay away from it. From what I reasonably know, most of those situations must have been just the need for touch, an endorphine thing (when you need a hug, you’re probably low on endorphines). But I’d rather not take guesses on that or rely on my limited grasp of knowledge of human nature, so I choose to stay away so far as it depends on me and can be done without offending someone whose intent is just to be friendly. Perhaps it’s silly when I end up feeling guilty for not being sufficiently dismissive of the thought of another hug after suddenly getting one from someone who happens to be female, but sometimes I do. Still, I think it’s better to blame yourself without need than not to blame yourself when there is need.
Attraction is not wrong. Lust is. Even acting on attraction doesn’t always make lust. One doesn’t always have to act “this way” on attraction. Physical or mental adultery (“who looks on a woman to lust after her…”) is pretty clear, but there’s also admiration for beauty and actually even for a personality, and all those many kinds of emotional attachment. I wouldn’t move so far as to construe anything like “emotional adultery”. It sounds like “emotional betrayal” and people are bound to start interpreting it in such a way as to take some weight away from the “physical” one. I believe the problem is when the spouse (or whoever it is) is neglected or replaced in his role, making his role a largely formal one, with the substance being filled by even a non-sexual relationship with another person of the opposite sex. Even with a person of the same sex (not really talking people struggling with bisexual tendencies here) this can be a problem, but with persons of the opposite gender it tends to develop in some sort of a problem, unless the relationship is akin to a parent-child (student-teacher) type of relationship. There will be problems and they will be damaging to the “main”, romantic relationship but I don’t see adultery there. Again, I’m just in my early twenties, so how much can I know.
I have been attracted to ladies other than the person who was my girlfriend at the time, a date or a not-yet-confessed romantic interest. I don’t feel guilty for noticing the person is attractive, but when I catch myself seeking attention, I serve myself a dry remark in my mind. If some sort of physical contact which is normal in friendship brings more joy or a different kind of joy than I think it should, I stay away from it. From what I reasonably know, most of those situations must have been just the need for touch, an endorphine thing (when you need a hug, you’re probably low on endorphines). But I’d rather not take guesses on that or rely on my limited grasp of knowledge of human nature, so I choose to stay away so far as it depends on me and can be done without offending someone whose intent is just to be friendly. Perhaps it’s silly when I end up feeling guilty for not being sufficiently dismissive of the thought of another hug after suddenly getting one from someone who happens to be female, but sometimes I do. Still, I think it’s better to blame yourself without need than not to blame yourself when there is need.
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bengal_fan
Guest
semantics. but chastity is not necessarily a gift (in my understanding of the word) but a choice to remain chaste, while celibacy is something that is done (or supposed to be done) for life…that to me sounds like a gift from God as opposed to chastity seeming to be somewhat related to a fast (even if some one has never participated, being chaste has a connotation that they will someday not have to be chaste).
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km112482
Guest
I voted no I am a woman. Although I may say oh he is cute or whatever, I would never think anything past that. I love my husband and no matter how attractive someone else may be that isnt what matters that is something that I have come to realize over the years. I used to think appearance meant everything, but it truely doesnt. My husband would do anything for me and will always be there for me.
Simply appearances dont make the person the inside does.
Kerri
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BlindSheep
Guest
Yes, I am a woman.
I’ve been attracted to one other man since I got married, and that was a movie star. I eventually stopped watching his movies to avoid temptation.
I’ve been attracted to one other man since I got married, and that was a movie star. I eventually stopped watching his movies to avoid temptation.
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Black_Jaque
Guest
As for the double standard - maybe some men are guilty of it. I’m not. I work dang hard to keep custody of my eyes and I expect no less from my spouse.
One possible explanation for the appearance of a double standard is the likelihood that there are more husbands who are “not getting enough” than there are wives who are starved for sex. It would be one thing if you were frequently rejecting sex with your spouse, and later found out your spouse often “looked” at others. It would be totally devastating if you were the one being rejected, PLUS you find out that your spouse is “looking”. I think more women are in the first situation and more men would potentially be in the latter.
One possible explanation for the appearance of a double standard is the likelihood that there are more husbands who are “not getting enough” than there are wives who are starved for sex. It would be one thing if you were frequently rejecting sex with your spouse, and later found out your spouse often “looked” at others. It would be totally devastating if you were the one being rejected, PLUS you find out that your spouse is “looking”. I think more women are in the first situation and more men would potentially be in the latter.
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mumto5
Guest
Well, I answered no because I read the question in terms of attraction to a person not just physically, but in forming some sort of emotional bond. A love of the person’s personality that could go beyond simple friendship. I guess it same could apply to feelings of lust, but I never read it that way.
Sure, there’s been the odd time I’ve found someone has nice eyes or whatever. I happen to notice when a man has kind, bright, attractive eyes but that doesn’t come with anything lustful or desirous.
Sometimes I look at a woman and think, “Oh, she’s pretty”, or has a nice face, whatever. Does that make me homosexual? No. So in the same way, thinking a man has nice features doesn’t mean I’m thinking about him in a sexual way.
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MamaGeek
Guest
I was talking about marital indiscretion with a coworker, who asked what I’d do if I fell in love with someone other than my husband. I said it would never happen. If I ever feel myself attracted to any man other than my husband, I avoid him like the plague. I do not allow myself even the slightest opportunity to develop even an infatuation, much less fall in love. I would NEVER allow myself to be alone with a man to whom I was in the least bit attracted. I owe it to my husband, whom I love and to whom I have vowed to remain faithful. Personally, I think that’s the only way to go for a married person.
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wcknight
Guest
Seems to be a lot of posts were lost between Feb and late July on the thread, including my own prior one.
It appears there are a lot more guys, who are attracted to folks not their spouse, than gals who are attracted to guys.
For whatever reason I think the guys (including myself) are much more easily tempted. I don’t go out looking for trouble, but if a beautiful sexy gal passes by, I have (or used to have) a real difficult time keeping my imagination from running amok. Given the provocative styles of modern America, not a whole lot is left to the imagination.
The problem was much more uncontrollable when I was younger, now it seems to be much easier to control and not much of a problem at all (I guess it’s a sign of old age, the get up and go has gotten up and went)
Sexual attraction is natural. It is what God gave us to perpetuate the species. BUT we are a monogamous society and once we pick a spouse we are supposed to stick with our one and only choice.
Unfortunately our response mechanism are not so easily reined back. Why gals have less problems with this is a mystery. Most guys I know have the same problem until 10 or 15 minutes after they put the last nail in the box.
I would never pursue an office romance or ask an office mate out. And I would not encourage flirting or other behavior from a co-worker.
BUT if put in the wrong circumstances I’m not absolutely certain that I could always resist every advance. It would have to be very unusal circumstances, and I have no idea what that could be. I don’t trust myself, so I never let myself get into anything close to that.
wc
It appears there are a lot more guys, who are attracted to folks not their spouse, than gals who are attracted to guys.
For whatever reason I think the guys (including myself) are much more easily tempted. I don’t go out looking for trouble, but if a beautiful sexy gal passes by, I have (or used to have) a real difficult time keeping my imagination from running amok. Given the provocative styles of modern America, not a whole lot is left to the imagination.
The problem was much more uncontrollable when I was younger, now it seems to be much easier to control and not much of a problem at all (I guess it’s a sign of old age, the get up and go has gotten up and went)
Sexual attraction is natural. It is what God gave us to perpetuate the species. BUT we are a monogamous society and once we pick a spouse we are supposed to stick with our one and only choice.
Unfortunately our response mechanism are not so easily reined back. Why gals have less problems with this is a mystery. Most guys I know have the same problem until 10 or 15 minutes after they put the last nail in the box.
I would never pursue an office romance or ask an office mate out. And I would not encourage flirting or other behavior from a co-worker.
BUT if put in the wrong circumstances I’m not absolutely certain that I could always resist every advance. It would have to be very unusal circumstances, and I have no idea what that could be. I don’t trust myself, so I never let myself get into anything close to that.
wc
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Black_Jaque
Guest
It has to do with how men are stimulated, they are more sensitive to visual stimulation. I know women are stimulated visually, but I highly doubt that it is to the same degree. Why is men’s porn visual, whereas women’s porn is more abstract. There just aren’t a lot of pictures in smut novels - yet the material is about the same as men’s porn.
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char34
Guest
Physical attraction isn’t the only type of attraction…in fact emotional attraction is probably worse than physical, which seems much more common with women, because it involves the heart. I disagree that attraction to others is more common for males, after all, most cases for adultery in the new testament involved women. I have had feelings for others in the early years of our marriage, yet thankfully I no longer do. I think “fantasizing” is often a habit aquired in the teenage years which can still not be quite shaken off once married, yet often people don’t realize how damaging it is to a marriage until the get out of the habit. At least it is true for myself.
These days most people seem to think it is ok to fantasize about others or watch porn, that it is not cheating. Nothing can be further than the truth, and dare it can be more damaging than “physical” cheating.
These days most people seem to think it is ok to fantasize about others or watch porn, that it is not cheating. Nothing can be further than the truth, and dare it can be more damaging than “physical” cheating.
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char34
Guest
I should add “attraction” and “arousal” do not necessarily go together. I can be aroused (usually unintentially) by something I see in a movie or on the internet without being attracted to those acting. In fact I can be aroused yet disgusted with the actors at the same time, KWIM?
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Black_Jaque
Guest
Char34,
That’s why I regard smut novels as “women’s porn”. Same stuff, different packaging.
That’s why I regard smut novels as “women’s porn”. Same stuff, different packaging.
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Mike_Dye
Guest
Sure but whats the big deal if you know from the git-go that you love your wife and no matter how attractive someone else is that you would rather die than hurt your spouse in that way ( Just in case my wife finds this post I was just kidding about the finding othes attractive part…no really …i mean it …really… Hey who wants to go out for Ice Cream…Honey?
Mike
Mike
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Teelynn
Guest
I will tell you all the truth. I have been absolutely devistated by my DH’s attraction/bond/friendship/emotional attatchment or whatever you want to call it to a woman that he has bowled with for 3 or 4 years now.
It all of a sudden dawned on me that he was taking way too much interest in her and the clues I got came right from the horses mouth.
I have soooo totally trusted my husband that I must admit at first I couldn’t see the forest thru the trees. After a couple of incidences regarding meeting her and friends to talk about the league or just because it was nearing the end of the season and after being asked by me how he really felt about her he said he didn’t know, Also at one point said he felt he needed to “protect” her from other men “hitting” on her, all the other comments from him and others, I started really confronting him and investigating. At first he was really upset saying they were just friends and what was wrong with having a friendship with the opposite sex? Then I found her number in his list of phone contacts on his cell…and again confronted. More of the same. Then I told him I was going to take a breather and think about it and went out of state to see daughter and family. (he came out after a while and we came back together) But when I got home there was her number on his cell only this time disguised under initials having nothing to do with her name. Huge confrontation off and on lasting about 2 weeks. Well this time we are probably going to counseling. As he is giving me mixed answers. Confesses it did not get physical. Vehemently denying an affair or even an attraction, just a friendship.
I’m sorry but attractions are normal, forming close friendships with the opposite sex when you are married and not willing to give them up for your spouse are downright DANGEROUS!!! I believe that’s probably how unfaithfulness starts. Am I all wet?
Blessings,
Teelynn
It all of a sudden dawned on me that he was taking way too much interest in her and the clues I got came right from the horses mouth.
I have soooo totally trusted my husband that I must admit at first I couldn’t see the forest thru the trees. After a couple of incidences regarding meeting her and friends to talk about the league or just because it was nearing the end of the season and after being asked by me how he really felt about her he said he didn’t know, Also at one point said he felt he needed to “protect” her from other men “hitting” on her, all the other comments from him and others, I started really confronting him and investigating. At first he was really upset saying they were just friends and what was wrong with having a friendship with the opposite sex? Then I found her number in his list of phone contacts on his cell…and again confronted. More of the same. Then I told him I was going to take a breather and think about it and went out of state to see daughter and family. (he came out after a while and we came back together) But when I got home there was her number on his cell only this time disguised under initials having nothing to do with her name. Huge confrontation off and on lasting about 2 weeks. Well this time we are probably going to counseling. As he is giving me mixed answers. Confesses it did not get physical. Vehemently denying an affair or even an attraction, just a friendship.
I’m sorry but attractions are normal, forming close friendships with the opposite sex when you are married and not willing to give them up for your spouse are downright DANGEROUS!!! I believe that’s probably how unfaithfulness starts. Am I all wet?
Blessings,
Teelynn
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wcknight
Guest
Coincidental that just this week, some study shows that an “emotional attachment” to someone who is not our spouse, is just as damaging to a relationship as an actual physical affair.
We all have to guard our attachments even if they are not physical.
We all have to guard our attachments even if they are not physical.
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