AWESOME response to "enjoy these days they go by so fast"

[Book_Worm]

I may be wearing rose-colored glasses, but that doesn’t mean my vision is not 20-20.

I do know that parenting is hard; I remembered one especially low point in my OP. I’ve often been that stranger that tries to help. We were in a restaurant, and when the meals came for the young family at the next table, the baby started to cry when the mother put her down. I offered to hold her while her DM ate. She accepted and the baby quieted down. When my dinner came, a woman at another table came over and took the baby. I always let women with young children go ahead of me on line in the grocery, bank, etc. I’m that crazy lady behind you at Mass flirting with your fussy little one and making faces at her.

What I was objecting to was the amount of vitriol in the blog directed toward people who dare to try to gently remind young mothers that this too will pass away and that focusing on the small joys will make their life less difficult.

Those comments are meant in kindness. If the writer is so stressed and unhappy that she can only respond with criticism and death glares, perhaps she should spend some time in prayer to determine if having another child is God’s plan for her.

 

[Book_Worm]

You don’t have to do what these “cherish this moment!” people say, but you also don’t have to listen to unsolicited advice as if you welcome it. Any time you wade into someone’s life and spout out the equivalent of “switch your noodle!” as if they were going to thank you for it, you are on dangerous ground. You have rushed in where angels will not tread.

It is not the sentiment of cherishing one’s children or feeling grateful to have them that anyone has a quarrel with. It is hovering over someone who has troubles you don’t have and telling them that they ought to feel grateful and implying that you wish you were back in the same boat they are struggling so mightily to keep on course. Is it any surprise when the first thought that comes to their head is this: Oh…If You’re Not Going to Cheer, Help Paddle or Bail Water, At Least Shut Up! If someone fights off the temptation to resentment and manages to say, “oh…gee, thanks,” I think they ought to get a medal, frankly!

The truth is that most people who are well past their baby-raising years either couldn’t survive it again or would try to get out of it as quickly as possible if they were to be put into the position again. How do I know this? I know this because friends of mine who are grandparents put into the position of having to parent their grandchildren because of the incapacitation of their child say that they cannot wait for the day they can stop parenting and start being grandparents again. They don’t feel grateful to be in the “cherish” years again. They’ve tried both, and* grandparenting* is the gig they want!!

If those grandparents who were plunged back into the day-to-day pleasures of parenting all say that, then who can argue with them?

If the choice were to be in their twenties and thirties and parenting or doing it in their fifties, sixties, or seventies, the choice might be different.

I’d go back and do it over in a heartbeat.

There’s a reason God gives us fertility in our youth and not our dotage.

 

[EasterJoy]

Those comments are meant in kindness. If the writer is so stressed and unhappy that she can only respond with criticism and death glares, perhaps she should spend some time in prayer to determine if having another child is God’s plan for her.

No. Comments can be meant in kindness and yet still be thoughtless and entirely unhelpful. Irritation with busybodies who make unsolicited comments that make the target feel (as the article put it) anxious, angry or resentful has essentially nothing to do with whether or not “having another child is God’s plan for her.” That is the whole point of the article! If these people irritate you, it is not because you are a bad parent. It is because they are offering advice that is spectacularly counterproductive when offered at the wrong time. The time to offer that advice is when you see a parent in the act of cherishing his or her child, not when you see them wondering what made them think they were capable of being a parent! It is a sentiment that works nicely in the moment when it is positive reinforcement, but fails badly when it is a correction.

Now, is it more charitable to see the intention of the person making the remark, to think merciful thoughts, and to exercise the spiritual work of mercy of “bearing wrongs patiently”? Sure, it is. That is good advice, and a way to holiness.

Having said that, it is also a work of mercy to “admonish the sinner.” Someone who is doing more harm than good can stand correction, even (and perhaps especially) if they mean well, since it is the person who means well who is most likely to amend their actions in order to achieve the result they are actually aiming for. If it is an action they are likely to repeat on others, rather than an isolated incident, it is not uncharitable (per se) to give feedback letting them know their effort has had the opposite of the intended effect. Is it praiseworthy to be as gentle in one’s admonishments as possible? Again, yes, it is. Having said that, I have had the gentle admonishment brushed off as the “well-meaning” person plunged ahead and doubled-down on their rudeness. There are times when admonishment can be quite blunt without being uncharitable, and in fact times when it unfortunately needs to be quite blunt in order to communicate the admonishment at all.

 

[Kelfa28]

If I was in that store, I would have felt I need to do something to help you. Usually, I just step aside since I don’t want to get in the way. Is that an appropriate response? It has been my experience if I offered to hold your 18 months old so you could focus on your 3 year old, most mom’s would just see that as one more interruption. Am I correct?

Not just the mom…but the baby more so.

She’d totally lose her mind and would make the situation way, way worse if a stranger held her.

What would have been helpful…and this is something I didn’t mention in my original post…would be helping me pick up anything I dropped.

The second sandal that fell was picked up by a nice lady who happened to be passing by. She handed it to me and gave me a sympathetic smile.

I mouthed a thank-you and kept on moving until we got to the bathroom. My daughter was successful (and quite happy with herself) and my 18 month old was now happy that she could walk back to the front of the store like a big girl.

 

[Book_Worm]

We must be very different. I never needed reinforcement when I was already doing something, especially when it came to appreciating the wonder that was DD.

It was when needed was when she was being difficult that I needed to hear “Relax and remember that this time will pass, the difficult times as well as the joyous ones.”

People say inane and ineffective, but well-meaning, things all the time. I’ve found that the best way to handle them is to ignore them and not engage. Perhaps you found the comment offensive, but I never did, so I really don’t see where anything would be accomplished by resorting to “admonishing” the person making the comment. The easiest response would be a non-committal “ummm” while letting the comment bounce off your consciousness. As you learned, your “admonishment” usually has exactly the opposite effect from the one you are trying to accomplish.

And I still feel that it is a bad sign if such an innocuous (and true) comment can cause the degree of anger, anxiety and angst that the blogger experienced.

 

[jlc2k2]

To be clear, I have never once responded with vitriol to anyone who told me to cherish every moment. I say thanks or smile and nod if I am having a really bad day. Everything I have said here may be going through my head but I’m not running around spitting nails at people.

And thank you, EasterJoy. You were able to express what I was trying to say a lot more eloquently.

 

[Xantippe]

I never expected anyone to help. With some very few exceptions, like trading child care with other friends, DH and I felt raising our child was our responsibility.

But isn’t the reason that older relatives and acquaintances are able to have the rose-colored glasses is because they aren’t helping? Their attitudes might be much more realistic if they were getting their hands dirty.

It is a bit much to 1) be expected to do everything yourself and 2) be expected to have an unfailingly sunny attitude about doing everything yourself.

 

[Xantippe]

To be clear, I have never once responded with vitriol to anyone who told me to cherish every moment. I say thanks or smile and nod if I am having a really bad day. Everything I have said here may be going through my head but I’m not running around spitting nails at people.

Right.

 

[jlc2k2]

Those comments are meant in kindness. If the writer is so stressed and unhappy that she can only respond with criticism and death glares, perhaps she should spend some time in prayer to determine if having another child is God’s plan for her.

Hmm… well I guess since I sympathize with the author, my husband and I should competely change our plans about trying to conceive in the near future. Good to know.

 

[Kelfa28]

To be clear, I have never once responded with vitriol to anyone who told me to cherish every moment. I say thanks or smile and nod if I am having a really bad day. Everything I have said here may be going through my head but I’m not running around spitting nails at people.

And thank you, EasterJoy. You were able to express what I was trying to say a lot more eloquently.

For normal people…including stressed out moms…the high road would be the path to take…and I’d agree.

However, in situations like the one I described before, I probably wouldn’t be gracious. I wouldn’t be outright rude…but, I’d implement quite the glare…and may say something sarcastic under my breath.

I’d also just carry on as the mother that I am and pretend that no one is watching or making comments.

 

[Allegra]

It is not the sentiment of cherishing one’s children or feeling grateful to have them that anyone has a quarrel with. It is hovering over someone who has troubles you don’t have and telling them that they ought to feel grateful and implying that you wish you were back in the same boat they are struggling so mightily to keep on course. Is it any surprise when the first thought that comes to their head is this: Oh…If You’re Not Going to Cheer, Help Paddle or Bail Water, At Least Shut Up! If someone fights off the temptation to resentment and manages to say, “oh…gee, thanks,” I think they ought to get a medal, frankly!

Responding to a real person who is admonishing you for not being cheerful enough through a difficult time is kinda different from flipping out over the sentiments expressed in someone’s wall art.

 

[EasterJoy]

We must be very different. I never needed reinforcement when I was already doing something, especially when it came to appreciating the wonder that was DD.

It was when needed was when she was being difficult that I needed to hear “Relax and remember that this time will pass, the difficult times as well as the joyous ones.”

People say inane and ineffective, but well-meaning, things all the time. I’ve found that the best way to handle them is to ignore them and not engage. Perhaps you found the comment offensive, but I never did, so I really don’t see where anything would be accomplished by resorting to “admonishing” the person making the comment. The easiest response would be a non-committal “ummm” while letting the comment bounce off your consciousness. As you learned, your “admonishment” usually has exactly the opposite effect from the one you are trying to accomplish.

And I still feel that it is a bad sign if such an innocuous (and true) comment can cause the degree of anger, anxiety and angst that the blogger experienced.

If you prefer to hear about it when people think you are looking at things the wrong way and not when they think you are looking at things the right way, then yes, you are in the minority. Most people take correction the best from those who give them roughly five times as much confirming feedback as corrective feedback. (This is something that coaches are now learning from the sports psychologists. There is a reason that winning coaches these days are far more free with the attaboys than their counterparts in years gone by.)

It is entirely OK to opt out of a chance to “admonish” someone. It is a work of mercy to bear wrongs patiently, too, after all. The difference between offering “admonishment” in these two cases, however, is that the parent has not solicited any advice about how to get through a bad day, but the busybody telling them how to do it has solicited a response by being free with his or her advice first. If I say nothing to you, it is not too much to ask you to refrain from giving me advice. If you, OTOH, go out of your way to give me a little free advice on how to navigate my life more competently, of course it is the least I can do to return the favor!

Yes, of course it would be good to do this with a kind word and a sense of humor, but that is a lot to ask of someone who’s been subjected to back-seat driving in the midst of the heaviest traffic of life. Your advice to just pass it over and focus on the road is probably the safest for all involved, but not because it would be wrong or unloving to correct the perceptions of the misguided. You are simply advising the surest way to stay out of the ditch. That, I will concede!

 

[EasterJoy]

For normal people…including stressed out moms…the high road would be the path to take…and I’d agree.

However, in situations like the one I described before, I probably wouldn’t be gracious. I wouldn’t be outright rude…but, I’d implement quite the glare…and may say something sarcastic under my breath.

I’d also just carry on as the mother that I am and pretend that no one is watching or making comments.

Which is to say: You’re guilty, but what jury would convict you?

 

[jlc2k2]

For normal people…including stressed out moms…the high road would be the path to take…and I’d agree.

However, in situations like the one I described before, I probably wouldn’t be gracious. I wouldn’t be outright rude…but, I’d implement quite the glare…and may say something sarcastic under my breath.

I’d also just carry on as the mother that I am and pretend that no one is watching or making comments.

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean that to come out the way that it did. :doh2: I was thinking of the situations that I normally get that phrase said to me in - after a particularly rough Mass. If I was ever in the situation you described and someone told me “it goes by so fast” with no hint of humor or sarcasm, I don’t know what I would do. It’s probably 50/50 between gritting my teeth and ignoring them or bursting into tears. The tears at least might have an impact on the kids.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Not just the mom…but the baby more so.

.

I guess that is what I meant. It has been my experience mom’s know what works best with their child and sometimes a ‘helpful’ thing just aggravates the kid more and then more has a bigger issue to deal with.

Whenever I travel, I like to bring a stuff toy with me (long story don’t ask). When sitting in an airport or on a train, if a baby is crying I will make the toy waive it’s hand at the kid or if the kid reaches out, even let the kid hold it. 50% of mom’s seem grateful, the other 50% don’t

 

[Xantippe]

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean that to come out the way that it did. :doh2: I was thinking of the situations that I normally get that phrase said to me in - after a particularly rough Mass. If I was ever in the situation you described and someone told me “it goes by so fast” with no hint of humor or sarcasm, I don’t know what I would do. It’s probably 50/50 between gritting my teeth and ignoring them or bursting into tears. The tears at least might have an impact on the kids.

I think after a rough Mass I would read it as, “I think you’re a good mom and you’re doing great with your kids and I think your kids are precious.” It requires a little translation, though.

I’ve literally had a lady hiss at a one-year-old of mine in church and I know other people have had similarly harrowing experiences, so any time somebody says something remotely positive after Mass, it’s a good thing.

 

[jlc2k2]

I think after a rough Mass I would read it as, “I think you’re a good mom and you’re doing great with your kids and I think your kids are precious.” It requires a little translation, though.

I’ve literally had a lady hiss at a one-year-old of mine in church and I know other people have had similarly harrowing experiences, so any time somebody says something remotely positive after Mass, it’s a good thing.

Oh yes. I know they mean well. We are very blessed to go to a parish where they love to see my children and tell that to me often. I still prefer “we love to see your kids at Mass” to “it goes by so fast” when I’ve been in and out of the sanctuary a half dozen times in an hour.

 

[pensmama87]

I think after a rough Mass I would read it as, “I think you’re a good mom and you’re doing great with your kids and I think your kids are precious.” It requires a little translation, though.

I’ve literally had a lady hiss at a one-year-old of mine in church and I know other people have had similarly harrowing experiences, so any time somebody says something remotely positive after Mass, it’s a good thing.

A little while ago I had both my kids with me in the confession line while my husband was in the confessional itself. They were absolutely wild, to put it mildly. They were screaming, trying to jump on the pews, the works. There was a parish rosary going on at the same time that was completely drowned out by the noise (unlike in Mass where at least you have the little fidgets and whispers of the many, many other people present to help cover it up some). But I knew I needed to go to confession and this was my shot. My husband had said that he would take them to the car once he came out, but in the meantime, I was s-t-u-c-k stuck.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch an older woman coming up to me. Oh no, I thought. This is it. She is going to tell me I am a horrible mother and I have to leave. Instead she said, “I know it is so hard, but it is just so good that you are bringing your children here. Their noises really are music.” And I just started bawling in front of this lady because I was so convinced she was going to yell at me (and who would blame her, because really, they were being monsters). I think I made her feel really awkward when I started to cry, but she sort of awkwardly patted my shoulder in a “there, there,” way and then my husband came out and the priest got to hear me confess when I was already super worked up, so that was fun.

But really, I was very appreciative that she took the time to say what she did, AND that she said it the way she said it. It was understanding that what I was going through at that moment was difficult, but also affirming a good choice that I was making (being there for confession). I don’t know what she could have done to help me out with the kids at that time, because I’d brought a few things to entertain them and they just weren’t having it anyway. But what she said was enough, and it wasn’t silly or mean or condescending. I just feel bad that I was so relieved she didn’t yell at me that I started to cry and made her feel weird instead.

 

[Anglewannabe]

This is going to be a switch. I went to a church I had not been to in a while and I saw a family that goes there with 4 young kids and one on the way. I had not been there in a while and I looked at the youngest that appears to be a little over 1 and said to the mother ‘Oh my, how she has grown and she is even walking !’ and the mom said ‘Yes, they grow too fast’. Having read this thread just before mass, I had a good chuckle with myself

 

[pnewton]

Call me crazy, but I like that sign. The message is similar to that of St. Therese’s Little Way. It is good spirituality.

Now, if a stranger says that (usually an elder person), you could always say the same back to them. After all, you will face having children leave; them, their own funeral. And yet the same message applies to them.