Baby gender bummer

[RoseMary131]

Anyone else willing to be honest enough to fess up being genuinely disappointed over your baby’s gender? Found out today that we’re having boy #4 and I am all kinds of emotions. The thing I’m looking least forward to is everyone’s ‘consolation,’ .

… if any of our family has baby girls in the future, I will be bitterly jealous.

My mother gave me my baptismal gown and communion dress

On top of all that, DH has decided for sure this time that he will be having a vasectomy. God’s will be done, but basically this was my last shot.

**Maybe if I wasn’t such a damn baby and it wasn’t so obvious it wouldn’t be such a big deal. **

JLCecila,

I’m sorry you are having such a rough time accepting the sweet little baby tucked safely in your womb is a son. Maybe its good you have this time to sort through your emotions. I pray this will leave you quickly and with an even stronger heart filled with excitement for the child who is your precious son, your sweet, precious little boy.

Don’t worry about the wonderful baptismal gown and First Holy Communion Dress that your mother gave to you that were yours as a baby and little girl. As you mentioned she gave you those before you were pregnant with this sweet little son and after you had three sweet sons. She most likely gave them to you because she had saved them for keep-sakes for you and now it is time she let you possess them instead of her keeping them at her house.

Depending on the baptismal gown, some can be used by both sons and daughters, sometimes small adjustment can be made. All can be saved to be worn by your grandchildren. Multigenerational baptismal gowns bring another sense of joy on the baptismal day.

Please do not be jealous of any daughters born into your extended family. You are blessed with a beautiful child, your son, your sweet little boy. He is not simply “another one of four”. Each of your sons is a beautiful individual gift to you. Each child, boy or girl, healthy or not healthy, is a beautiful gift.

I don’t want to offend you. I know what you are experiencing are real emotions. I just want to speak to you in a way to help you with the love I think you do have for this sweet little son, not a regret, not “I lost and got a son”.

“On top of all that, DH has decided for sure this time that he will be having a vasectomy. God’s will be done, but basically this was my last shot. - JLCecilia”

This is what really stands out to me as two very big issues you are dealing with and it makes sense why you are so upset.

“God’s will be done”… about a vasectomy. Dear Sweet JLCecilia, destroying the properly functioning human body through a vasectomy is never God’s will. Hopefully, you mean maybe your husband will abandon the idea of a vasectomy.

Your idea that this sweet child, your son, was “your last shot”, I find to be so sad. I know you are expressing your ideas and how you feel.

I know the idea I’m about to express is far beyond your thoughts, but I just want to show you similar ideas at a much stronger level. Hopefully, it will help you to refocus and not be so sad about having a son. I have friends who are mothers of beautiful adopted girls because they were given up for adoption on the fact that they were not sons. It breaks my heart that their mothers did not want them simply because they were daughters. I know you want your little boy, it just breaks my heart that you are so disappointed today that he is your son and not your daughter.

Consider also that God may be calling you to have a daughter through adoption. Many little girls are not wanted on the fact that they are girls. Many families choose to have both birth children and adoptive children to form “their children”. Pray if God is calling you to be parents of a daughter through the love of adoption, not to make up for “having four sons” but in addition to your birth children.

On another note, I think probably the issue that comes to play the strongest in your disappointment might possibly be your husband’s vasectomy. Two things come to mind about that… it is a permanent decision made by your husband to no longer have any more children and it is against Church teachings.

(I do not speak to offend you or your wonderful husband, just to make an observation that might affect a Catholic wife.)

You mentioned in another post that other family members are not practicing the faith.

“…but sadly, their parents don’t follow the faith anymore, much less raise them in it.”

I think this may be a deep hurt for you. You are saddened that your extended family is not practicing the faith or raising their children in it.

How much more I imagine your heart breaks that your husband does not follow the faith. Now, with his vasectomy, you know you will no longer be following the faith, as your sexual union with your beloved husband will no longer be open to life. He will no longer be giving himself to you completely. He will be keeping his fertility separate from you.

If you aren’t already using NFP, I encourage you to search your diocese for a Natural Family Planning class that will allow you to keep healthy fertility for both of you. www.ccli.org

Do not worry about what co-workers or family say about having four sons. People say rude things to families of any size and make up.

My prayer is that your love for this little guy will overshadow all disappointments in that he is not your daughter. My prayer is that your husband not have a vasectomy.

(Vasectomies are not without possible long term complications. Even if he looks at vasectomy apart from your Catholic faith, look at the research on complications.)

Congratulations on your wonderful family and may peace fill your heart.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

If it makes you feel any better, my mom told me on the day I was born there was a woman in the next room at the hospital having triplets. She and her husband had 4 boys and they tried again for a girl. They got…triplet BOYS. Now they had 7 boys and still no daughter. I think the general consensus was that they might need to adopt a little girl to guarantee that they will have one.

It’s okay to hope for one gender and not another, as long as you still love whoever comes out on the due date. I would urge you to talk your husband out of the vasectomy. It is something he will surely come to regret.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

True story!

I know a couple who had at least 2 ultrasounds done (don’t remember how many total, but I know that at least two were done).

At each ultrasound, they were told it was “definitely” a boy. :yup:

This was their first child, so many of their shower gifts and the things they bought themselves for their baby were “boy-themed”. :ballspin:

They were so sure it was a boy … right up until the moment their beautiful little daughter was born. :curtsey:

Sounds like friends of mine. They painted and decorated the nursery in very manly blues, greens, camouflage, etc. They had two ultrasounds and blew their budget on the ultimate little boy’s room. It was apparently the umbilical cord all along.

I’ve never been bummed out by any of our baby’s genders. Then again, after our son I always wanted daughters and we’ve been on a streak.

 

[JLCecilia]

Well, what I really meant by ‘God’s will be done’ is that even though DH is having a vasectomy, I know that surgical intervention isn’t always 100% and God may still send us more children. Who knows, but honestly, my feelings as they are now, I don’t want to try for any more just to have more boys.

There’s no talking DH out of his decision, the thought started rolling in his head after our 3rd child was born in 3.5 years (our first 4 years of marriage). I still offer it up in prayer even though I myself don’t want anymore children now. I had a gal at my old office tell me about her husband’s consult for a vasectomy and one of the questions the dr asked is ‘what if something were to happen to one of your children, would you want to be able to have more?’ I think this is the absolute best question. What if we lost 2 of our kids in a house fire or a car accident? I would almost certainly want more children, regardless of gender. I think this is the only time adoption would even be a consideration for us after DH has his vasectomy.

Besides not sharing our faith, another reason I don’t want anymore children is not being able to stay home with them. If DH were more of a helper in any way whatsoever either w/ the house or the children, perhaps my heart could be softened on the issue, but as it is, I feel like a single working mother.

 

[JLCecilia]

I had a really hard night Saturday and I’m still wound up today, both angry and deflated at the same time. Since all of the sewing I’d been doing lately was girly stuff, I needed a material fix to help me along w/ coping: a baby quilt or a cute baby outfit. So I stayed up till 1a.m. sewing on a little boy’s baby quilt, listening to the kids’ bible lullaby disc and it speaks of all of God’s promises. Each song just hardened my heart more and more. I just thought about my frustration w/ DH (nothing new, but all the more frustrating w/ this new heartache of mine).

I have so many frustrations in my vocation and with our tighter budget and w/ DH and all the little things that need fixed in our home that we can’t afford to have fixed and it’s all getting to me. I’m so dissatisfied in general that I can’t stand being around anybody. My poor kids are begging for my attention and I feel like I’m on ‘E’ and I just want them to go away. As a friend of mine (with 5 littles) once said, sometimes it’s like being pecked to death by chickens

I deactivated my FB account b/c I didn’t want to post my status for the ‘world’ to see and have to see everyone’s feedback. I’d even thought about deleting my acct here b/c all I ever do is complain and I feel like everyone must be sick of my whining.

 

[Chantal25]

Why don’t you just go see your priest. Jesus speaks through his priests and i know his words will be great comfort to you.

I pray for you to feel better soon!

 

[JLCecilia]

Oh boy, if our old priest was here, I might be brave enough (I have NEVER had a heart-to-heart w/ a priest), but not our new priest. He isn’t very good about respecting privacy, our little convo might end up being material in his next sermon.

 

[Kensho]

Congratulations on the impending birth of your son.

I know that a lot of parents have their baby boys baptized in little white suits now, but I have always preferred the older tradition of putting boys and girls in the same long, fancy white gown. If I ever am blessed with a son, I will put him in the pretty white dress with floral appliques and embroidery that my little girl wore and will not feel that he is wearing “girl’s clothes”.

Jennifoo, I love having single women as friends. It’s great to talk to someone who doesn’t want to complain about husbands and children all the time. On the other hand, I sometimes get blown off because they can be so preoccupied with “finding a man”. I had a good (I thought) friend who rarely had time for me because she was too busy running after a man she was infatuated with who only thought of her as a friend. She assumed that I was busy and having fun with my family and didn’t need her. That certainly was not true.

 

[JLCecilia]

My mom made a baptismal outfit for my firstborn and we’ve used it for the others. She has embroidered their name and baptism date on the inside of the sleeves and pantlegs, so we’ll probably just keep w/ that tradition. I hope mom has it in her possession b/c I’m not sure where it is in our mess.

Mom also made our family’s Christmas stockings and embroidered each of our names on them. Funny thing is that as I was unpacking Christmas stuff this past season, somehow we had an extra stocking. So as soon as we have a name, I’ll ship it off for custom embroidery work.

 

[Chantal25]

Oh boy, if our old priest was here, I might be brave enough (I have NEVER had a heart-to-heart w/ a priest), but not our new priest. He isn’t very good about respecting privacy, our little convo might end up being material in his next sermon.

Go see another one. Pray for the right person. Trust, i spoke to priest before where he was speaking from logic versus love but then i experienced several priest where they literally gave me a new prospect in life and so helped. When i found out from Sister Faustina diary, that Jesus uses his priest to speak to us, i understood why i felt so wonderful after my session with him.

 

[RACJ]

God blessed me with two wonderful younger brothers. THus, I hoped for daughters, to see the other side of life up close and personal. Well, we’ve had four daughters, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it. For the fourth one, I honestly didn’t have a preference, but having one sex was pretty exciting. Honestly, you are human, and had we had three BOYS, I would have been desperate for a girl. I know you’ll cope, and God may one day bring a grandaughter into your already enriched life. Rob

 

[RoseMary131]

I had a really hard night Saturday and I’m still wound up today, both angry and deflated at the same time. … Each song just hardened my heart more and more. I just thought about my frustration w/ DH (nothing new, but all the more frustrating w/ this new heartache of mine).

I have so many frustrations in my vocation and with our tighter budget and w/ DH and all the little things that need fixed in our home that we can’t afford to have fixed and it’s all getting to me. I’m so dissatisfied in general that I can’t stand being around anybody. My poor kids are begging for my attention and I feel like I’m on ‘E’ and I just want them to go away. As a friend of mine (with 5 littles) once said, sometimes it’s like being pecked to death by chickens

…I ever do is complain and I feel like everyone must be sick of my whining.

Sweet JLCecilia,

You have so many areas swirling in your mind. If it allows you to relieve some of the swirling, than post here - even your complaints. Its okay.

One thing that stands out over and over is the lack of being in sync with your dear husband. You have a wonderful family, but it seems you and your husband aren’t able to work as a couple or make decisions as a couple.

I invite you to attend a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. Their idea is to be a tool in every marriage… to make a good marriage better. Every couple is going to have some strength and some weak areas, WWME is a tool to use daily. This is a very private weekend.

Please don’t think your husband would not attend. Pray about it.

There are three couples and a priest who give talks during the weekend. After each talk, you and your husband will go to your own private room to discuss the topic - only with each other. There may be topics that are presented that will open up for you in a special way better communication between you and your dear husband and help your dear husband to understand your needs in a better light.

It saddens me that you are able to share with your dear girlfriends things that should be with the heart of your dear husband. I am grateful that you have these special ladies in your life. My prayer for you is that your dear husband will be so united to your heart that he is your main confidant, listener, helpmate. (Not that your husband becomes “a girlfriend” or must change to “grant your wishes at once”.)

I see from your words that you are hurting from feeling alone, like a single mom, over whelmed with duties at home and work. When spouses are closer to being on the same page of understanding each other, all the things that are over whelming are so much easier to accept… the mountains are still there, but walking them as a couple makes the journey sweeter.

I hope you can attend WWME and that the experience of the weekend can begin to make your journey sweeter with your dear husband and you more on the same page.

If you can attend a weekend while pregnant, it would mean not leaving a newborn for the weekend. I don’t suggest mothers go away from their newborns.

Check out WWME. Pray. Pray that your husband will be open to attend a beautiful weekend with his sweetheart. Pray that God will open a door for someone to watch your sweet little boys over the weekend.

wwme.org/

Don’t worry about cost. There is usually a small registration fee. Then on the weekend, you have the chance to make a donation of your choosing. It allows every couple to have the chance to attend no matter their financial needs.

WWME is a Catholic weekend, but it is not a Catholic theology or other teachings weekend. In fact, they leave a certain number of slots open for non-Catholics. My protestant in-laws recently attended and found it wonderful. One couple I know are both Catholic now, but when they attended many years ago the wife was Catholic and her husband atheist. So, there would be no need to worry about your husband not practicing a Catholic faith. Its about marriage!

Can you do yourself a small favor, can you take a “homework assignment” for tomorrow? Make tomorrow a day of joy. :flowers: Yes, there is still work and meals, but make it a day of joy… a break from your concerns. A day to enjoy everything you see - and look past anything that is “clutter.”

Peace my sister.

 

[JLCecilia]

T-10 days and I’m still a little numb. DH and I ‘settled’ on a name, but I’m still not crazy about it. “Maybe,” I think to myself, “it’s a sign.” My boys still refer to the baby as ‘she’ and ‘her’ and I’ve given up correcting them (maybe it’s a sign). I had one of my classmate’s mothers tell me awhile back that her youngest was never supposed to be a girl, but what they thought the ultrasound showed actually ended up being the umbilical cord wrapped around her leg. This is the mom I saw riding her bike w/ her DH the day I found out our third was another boy and I had been crying and decided to take my other 2 for a walk. That was the day I let a little ray of hope break my sorrow b/c I saw this couple and they had 3 boys before they got their girl.

I had someone just this morning tell me about one of her co-workers who had 3 boys and was disapponted to be expecting her 4th boy and got a surprise at delivery. She even got angry w/ the doc when he announced it b/c of her emotions on the matter. Honestly, this thought has rolled around in my head as well, but don’t want to get my hopes up.

I’ve had my baby shower, there’s really nothing else I’m waiting on, except for DH to recover from fractured ribs. I’m ready to get this show on the road so (hopefully) I can start feeling better about all this and start coping with the changes in my life.

 

[Morwenna]

I had one of my classmate’s mothers tell me awhile back that her youngest was never supposed to be a girl, but what they thought the ultrasound showed actually ended up being the umbilical cord wrapped around her leg.

She’s not the only one who has had this happen! Repeating my earlier post to give you another ray of hope :heaven:

True story!

I know a couple who had at least 2 ultrasounds done (don’t remember how many total, but I know that at least two were done).

At each ultrasound, they were told it was “definitely” a boy. :yup:

This was their first child, so many of their shower gifts and the things they bought themselves for their baby were “boy-themed”. :ballspin:

They were so sure it was a boy … right up until the moment their beautiful little daughter was born. :curtsey:

May God bless your family no matter which gender child He decides to send you

 

[hsmomforlife]

DH is not a person of faith, this is really a moot point to him. Believe me, I feel the weight of his decision on my shoulders, but he’s going to do it and spend our money doing it whether I approve or not.

You know…you probably will have to sign a form consenting to his vasectomy…

 

[PrayPsalm51]

JL Cecelia
I said a prayer for you. As I was reading this post from the beginning I kept hoping you’d come back to tell the ending. I have 4 boys. I never found out the sex in advance though. Honestly by the time I had #4 I was relieved because we had a small house and not too much money and it was easy to just use all the stuff we had. My last two sons are inseparable. No one believes that i wasn’t disappointed though THAT was kind of frustrating. Please let us know how you are in the weeks to com

 

[JLCecilia]

I’m feeling like a tortured soul, like God is sending me all these messengers, but WHY??? Perhaps it’s just my silly hopes playing games on me. As my boys and I were leaving the fireworks tent yesterday, the gentleman working the stand w/ his 2 boys called to his mom and says, “Hey mom, you didn’t have it so bad after all, you only had THREE boys!” Jokingly referring to me having my 4th. She gestures to my boys and says, “My 3 boys were just like that all close together and then we got a girl.”

THIS NEEDS TO STOP!!!

 

[SamH]

My wife told me the baby was going to be a girl. I really don’t care what sex the baby is as long as the baby is healthy. But I thought this one would be a boy so I was prepared for a boy. So I was taken aback after the previous sonogram implied girl. I was taken aback for a couple of hours, and then I was ecstatic. Who cares what sex the baby is? We lost our first child (a girl). So to have a healthy one was all that mattered.

I was all excited about having a little girl and we had our 18 week ultrasound. We’re having a boy.

Sorry for your loss - praying for you!!!

Have child with a serious medical issue and you’ll learn that gender is pretty a minor concern. Been there done that!!!

 

[PrayPsalm51]

It would be easier if folks kept their comments to themselves. You will be a more compassionate mom for these experiences. It’s not easy to be pregnant, in the summer, with three little ones! Come back to talk to us and receive prayers for you and your baby!

 

[PrayPsalm51]

I’m feeling like a tortured soul, like God is sending me all these messengers, but WHY??? Perhaps it’s just my silly hopes playing games on me. As my boys and I were leaving the fireworks tent yesterday, the gentleman working the stand w/ his 2 boys called to his mom and says, “Hey mom, you didn’t have it so bad after all, you only had THREE boys!” Jokingly referring to me having my 4th. She gestures to my boys and says, “My 3 boys were just like that all close together and then we got a girl.”

THIS NEEDS TO STOP!!!

So many people comment when they don’t need to. You are learning patience and compassion I’m sure! It’s not easy being 9 mos pregnant, in the summer, with three little ones! Come back here to talk and accept our prayers! PS the comments don’t stop as they grow…but I’ve found that people look at moms like us with something resembling awe…I try to accept that as a compliment.