Before you became a parent

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

That works for some things but when it comes to “child wants to eat something unhealthy” and “adult doesn’t want them to eat it” then we aren’t on the same team. Advertisers are very good at manipulating the emotions of children and parents; 40% of children and 63% of adults in the UK are overweight.

Don’t keep junk food in the house.

Don’t go out to eat often.

If there are no cookies the child can demand cookies all they want, but there are no cookies. Parents make the mistake of keeping junk food and then the kid (naturally) wants it.

People eat way too much junk food. That’s a societal problem, not a parenting one.

Kids are not obese because they understand that a cookie is a treat. They are obese because soda is on tap, chips are considered a snack and cookies are a bribe to finish every meal.

Like @pianistclare said, you want to normalize treats as treats…so the food is not forbidden. If your kid is sitting in the kitchen and sees soda, chips, and cookies they are not going to want to eat their roast beef, carrots and potatoes and drink their milk. That’s a no-brainer. Very few adults can control that urge.

You sit down as a family. You eat dinner. Kid doesn’t want to eat their food. They sit with the family until the conversation is over and everyone’s eaten. They are excused. If they get hungry before the next meal or bed you can reheat their leftovers. Otherwise, they just stay hungry. Next meal comes and they start fresh.

Just like you would have to if you didn’t like what was being served.

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

Like @pianistclare said, you want to normalize treats as treats…so the food is not forbidden. If your kid is sitting in the kitchen and sees soda, chips, and cookies they are not going to want to eat their roast beef, carrots and potatoes and drink their milk. That’s a no-brainer. Very few adults can control that urge.

I’m not sure i want sweets to be treats. I had this problem where i gained a lot of weight because every time i was working late (often) i felt like i deserved / had earned a sugary treat. Well 10kg later and i realised what i was doing. Pure refined sugar (e.g. Haribo) serves no purpose in a diet, something like dried mango tastes nice and has nutritional benefit. I’m not saying i’ll never give the kids sweets but there’s a problem whereby they can’t see it for what it is, a bunch of chemicals carefully formulated to trick your brains dopamine system.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

There is the notion of age-appropriate independence.
Children can be very pleased and proud to help out in the home. When you have two, one will naturally become the warden of the other, but each has to learn their own limitations and have their own freedoms and identities.
In loving and non-neurotic families, these things happen organically.
We didn’t CHOOSE to act in certain ways, for the most part, ee used common sense, with a sense of “what are we really teaching the girls?”

Yes. Some people call it “picking your battles” and others call it “giving kids independence”. People were always shocked that by 10 months my first was 100% self-fed and would independently eat a not cut up peanut butter (half) sandwich. But really…she had it covered. I didn’t need to interfere.

My friend babied her first. He was 4 before he would eat a sandwich without crusts and cut up into bite size pieces. She realized that his dependance and whinyness was learned.

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

Yes. Some people call it “picking your battles” and others call it “giving kids independence”. People were always shocked that by 10 months my first was 100% self-fed and would independently eat a not cut up peanut butter (half) sandwich. But really…she had it covered. I didn’t need to interfere.

That’s interesting, i’m not very familiar with what they can or can’t do by certain ages. Are there any books you recommend on that subject? For example, i believe it’s unreasonable to expect a 4 year old to wipe their backside as they don’t have the dexterity in their hands yet?

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Xanthippe_Voorhees:

Like @pianistclare said, you want to normalize treats as treats…so the food is not forbidden. If your kid is sitting in the kitchen and sees soda, chips, and cookies they are not going to want to eat their roast beef, carrots and potatoes and drink their milk. That’s a no-brainer. Very few adults can control that urge.

I’m not sure i want sweets to be treats. I had this problem where i gained a lot of weight because every time i was working late (often) i felt like i deserved / had earned a sugary treat. Well 10kg later and i realised what i was doing. Pure refined sugar (e.g. Haribo) serves no purpose in a diet, something like dried mango tastes nice and has nutritional benefit. I’m not saying i’ll never give the kids sweets but there’s a problem whereby they can’t see it for what it is, a bunch of chemicals carefully formulated to trick your brains dopamine system.

Uhhh yeah.

Don’t be that parent.

The young adults in college who gained excessive weight were ALWAYS the ones whose parents forbade sugar and junk food.

Treat junk food as a logical treat.

“Hey we’re out doing errands all day, I think rather than packing a lunch and eating in the car we should go get fast food” (I’m rural so this comes up often) Most times we pack lunches. But EVERYONE had doctor’s appointments, we had to food shop, we had to go to the hardware store and just a million things.

We show the kids that we carefully plan a treat. It is not a “last resort” and it is not a “reward” for good behavior or a bribe. Treats are planned occurrences that happen when many factors are met.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

That’s interesting, i’m not very familiar with what they can or can’t do by certain ages. Are there any books you recommend on that subject? For example, i believe it’s unreasonable to expect a 4 year old to wipe their backside as they don’t have the dexterity in their hands yet?

You could look at general psychology, but each kid is totally different. My first is a fine motor kid. For instance “pick up a pea or a cheerio” is on the 9mo developmental milestones (given by the ped) as a stretch goal. She was doing it by 6 months. However, her gross motor skills were really lacking. She didn’t walk until nearly 16 months and never loved crawling so our family expectations for her were lower than they were at that same age for other children.

My nieces are a good example. One walked at 10 months and was very mobile but didn’t have great speech skills. The other was not as late to walking as my first but was amazingly verbose. My one brother did not expect his daughter who couldn’t speak well to ask for things, but my other brother did. At the same time, my brother with the early walker expected her to “help” carry things when bringing in groceries. No, it really wasn’t much “help” but the expectation to participate in family life to the best of one’s abilities was there.

Always be expecting them to do more than they show you and adjust down, telling them how good it was that they tried. Lots of praise. They will learn to push their own boundaries all the time.

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

The young adults in college who gained excessive weight were ALWAYS the ones whose parents forbade sugar and junk food.

Treat junk food as a logical treat.

But i’m guessing you are American? if so, the junk food is part of your culture. Personally the weight gain i noticed most people gain in first year of university was primarily due to alcohol and 2am kebabs. My thoughts on the matter aren’t fully formulated but if you went to China (as an example) you’d see something very different. Sweets and junk food aren’t readily available because the demand isn’t that high. If you try giving a Chinese student haribo then they will probably dislike it because it’s “too sweet”. Did you ever hear an American complain something was “too sweet”!?

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

But i’m guessing you are American? if so, the junk food is part of your culture. Personally the weight gain i noticed most people gain in first year of university was primarily due to alcohol and 2am kebabs. My thoughts on the matter aren’t fully formulated but if you went to China (as an example) you’d see something very different. Sweets and junk food aren’t readily available because the demand isn’t that high. If you try giving a Chinese student haribo then they will probably dislike it because it’s “too sweet”. Did you ever hear an American complain something was “too sweet”!?

Alchohol has something to do with it but unfettered access to junk food has more.

If you don’t plan on living in China, you need to teach your child how to live in the culture that they are going to be adults in. If you are in the US that means exposing them to junk food in a way that teaches them to treat it with respect. Same with UK. You’re not in rural China where a bottle of Coke is a prized possession. You can’t go off of that.

It’s the same with technology. I cannot in good conscience never show my children a screen. What I can do is teach them to have a healthy relationship with technology. The game on the tablet that they know until they are pre-schoolers are ones that are fairly benign…like the app “Piano Ball” which is really just a digital baby piano. They interact, they play and it gets put away. I’m not downloading flashy, crazy apps because those are addicting—but I am NOT keeping them away from screens. I do not do screens in the car (they can look out the window) and I don’t do screens when they are waiting. But teaching them about screens at a young age…and to be respectful of the screen and screen time is piviotal to them living in this century in the world they will grow up in.

 

[CatholicSpirit]

Tips:

• Age of folding own laundry (once divided from parents’ load)
• Not being afraid to say when hungry
• Alternative to spanking
• PC usage with QWERTY keyboard as to not become a retard
• Mom and Grandma do the birds and the bees “talk/lesson”
• Age of showering on their own (bathing is too high risk for drowning)
• Must learn to swim
• Reading level adjustments at home

And plenty more! Then one day mom became a B and well the rest is history!

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

Mom and Grandma do the birds and the bees “talk/lesson”

Why not Dad out of interest?

 

[CatholicSpirit]

I had 2 relatives who lived 20-50 years falsely accused of some real bad stuff… cut it at the root. The step-grandma now has a “my dad hurt me and I never even knew it until I spoke to a therapist who made me see it!” story as I knew them before the “new guy” took my sweetheart away.

One of the best decisions I never made, you never know when live takes a dump on you with sick people at your children’s side.

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

It’s the same with technology. I cannot in good conscience never show my children a screen.

I don’t follow the analogy sorry? Do you mean that you don’t want your kids to become screen zombies / raised by TV? If so, then i follow. But ultimately most of us work with screens now so i don’t see a benefit to delaying learning how to use them.

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

Wow, never even thought of that. I think we’ll do it together / in the same room though, as a boy there were questions I didn’t want to ask a woman.

 

[CatholicSpirit]

Not sure if it’s backwards compatible but with a grandparent or relative your “could be ex” trusts even if you part ways, best if it’s their side of the family tbh, one you trust even of you part ways

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Xanthippe_Voorhees:

It’s the same with technology. I cannot in good conscience never show my children a screen.

I don’t follow the analogy sorry? Do you mean that you don’t want your kids to become screen zombies / raised by TV? If so, then i follow. But ultimately most of us work with screens now so i don’t see a benefit to delaying learning how to use them.

Kids are surrounded by screens. Just like with junk food. Not exposing them to it from an early age is just going to create a “forbidden” aspect.

Teaching toddlers that a tablet is “just another toy” has created children who do not look to the device to fill a bordem need but who seek out a device for a specific purpose.

Same with treats and junk food. They reason that now would be a good time for a treat even if the “desire” is always there. They know what purpose it serves and use it wisely.

 

[CatholicSpirit]

Teach them to type instead because they need to be controlling IT and not vice versa

 

[TheLittleLady]

The most frustrated parents I meet are those who have carved their schedules in stone. The most joyfilled parents I know are those who have the “all we need is a clean diaper and an extra onesie - let’s go” mindset.

Food? Read “French Kids Eat Everything” now, before you have a kid who won’t eat anything but chicken nuggets and goldfish.

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

Food? Read “French Kids Eat Everything” now, before you have a kid who won’t eat anything but chicken nuggets and goldfish.

Rule #1: Parents are in charge of educating their children about food. The American thinking is that if a child won’t eat something, she doesn’t like it. The French thinking is that she hasn’t yet learned to like it — so one should keep cheerfully serving it.

Rule #2: Avoid emotional eating. Food is not a pacifier, a distraction, a toy, a bribe, a reward, or a substitute for discipline."

I like it already. Eating is about the only thing the French are good at.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Teach them to type instead because they need to be controlling IT and not vice versa

They should know how to interface with a computer before learning how to type. Typing only can begin after written language has been solidly acquired—around 2nd grade. Ensuring good apps and other technology choices is imperative. It’s important to create the notion that a computer is a tool, not an end-game entertainment choice.

 

[stupidisasstupiddoes]

The most frustrated parents I meet are those who have carved their schedules in stone. The most joyfilled parents I know are those who have the “all we need is a clean diaper and an extra onesie - let’s go” mindset.

I had this dicussion last night with some friends. Life isn’t about being joyful / happy or unnecessarily frustrated for that matter. Achievement usually isn’t fun along the way. The ability to delay gratification is one the best indicators of how a child will turn out in later life.