Beginning to give up

[PMV]

willy:

PMV , I think i can relate to you the most considering i am 17 ( in 9 days ) as well and I have long hair in which my father isnt crazy about, he does not force me to cut it but he sometimes get angry at me for how long it is. This is what I do and might possibly work for you as well, whenever he brings up my hair and wanting it cut I simply humour him , I tell him I eventually will and i explain to him that becoming angry will not benefit anyone only make you more agitated, anger will not help the situation. As long as i eventually get my hair cut I am technically not disobeying my father. What you could do is find a middle ground with your mother tell her you’ll get it trimmed persay ( just not alot lol ) and maybe she will be content with that , than you could even go to say that she should allow you to fall for yourself, if you are wrong with your decision you will learn from it. The greatest thing about falling down is picking urself back up. Lastly , God will always be with you regardless of anything, He is always present in our lifes the hard part is realising it, you must not allow anything to come in between you and God , do not allow that relationship to be severed. For all you know it could be God testing you to see if you do the right thing and will stand by Him regardless of anyone. It may also do you some good to tell her how she is making you feel and how you feel that her actions are not allowing you to practice you faith. Hope this is of some help.

I asked my mother if we could experiment with having my hair grow more but she refuses to even do that. I think it’s safe to say that I poured my heart out to her about how much it means to me, but she told me more then once that she does not care about my dignity. Perhaps the main problem here is that she loves control, and obviously has little care for my emotional stability.

I went to Confession today, but unfortunately it appears that I had the intention of lying to my mother about my haircut. I can set my hair up a certain way to make it look as if I had a haircut, and I plan to tell a little fib to my (what I believe to be) mentally ill mother that I got my haircut. Not only was Confession available to me last Christmas, but my Confession today was probably invalid. More and more I’m getting the feeling that God is turning away from me. My mother won’t even allow me to give $1 at Mass or else she’ll punish me horribly, so I end up committing the sin of greed at Mass. She seems to be robbing me of my spirituality and dignity.

 

[Mark_Robert]

A certain poster here should be mindful that if you are giving advice, you should do so with gentleness and charity not judgmentalism. Obviously the guy is emotionally distraught. Don’t trivialize what is traumatizing to him.
As far as your mother is concerned, I would be frank about how she makes you feel. Obviously she is doing a lot of things that make you feel bad. You should tell her that her actions are hurting you emotionally. Then you will know where she stands and avoid any misunderstandings. If she knowingly continues to do the very same things after your talk, she is now hurting you with full knowledge. I would then suggest talking to your high school counselor or some other outside agency about your family problems. They can give you advice on how to deal with difficult people and situations. Additionally they will give you the emotional support you need to deal with this difficult period in your life.
Also, thank God, you’re almost at an age where you can start to assert your own financial independence. I cannot stress enough how important getting a good college education and work history is. I hate to say it but if someone has financial or emotional leverage over you, the tendency is to abuse that power. It’s human nature unfortunately. When you are able to stand on your own two feet and support yourself, then you will have the wherewithal to dictate your own terms and expectations to people. The only legitimate dependence is upon God Himself.
Don’t doubt that God loves you. He shed every last drop of blood on the cross for you!!! Don’t ever forget that fact. Jesus loves you deeply, personally and unconditionally. If you couldn’t make it to confession because circumstances prevented it, God certainly understands this and takes it into account. Just go to confession whenever a reasonable opportunity presents itself. And remember, this spiritual life is a struggle for everyone. In the book of Romans, St. Paul describes the struggle between the flesh and spirit we all must fight. It’s spiritual warfare we all must fight our whole lives. So don’t get discouraged. If you fail there’s always the loving embrace of our merciful Savior awaiting you in confession.
Feel free at any time to voice your cares and concerns on this forum. We are your brothers and sisters in Christ. If you need a virtual shoulder to cry on or an empathic ear to confide in, we’ll be here with words of encouragement and prayers of intercession on your behalf. My prayers are with you. God bless.

 

[GoldenArrow]

PMV,

You’ve already gotten great spiritual advice regarding prayer and confession, etc, so i’ll not re-itterate.

It sounds like you Mother has some mental problems.

May I offer some practical advice? It may sound ridiculous at first, so just bear with me.

Maybe you could consent and have your hair cut to her liking, shaved if needed. Then, buy a wig—or better yet—have the hairstyler secretly save the hair that was cut from your head and have someone weave it into a wig. May cost some money for the latter option. There are a LOT of very natural looking wigs out there, so good that you can’t tell the difference between them and natural grown hair. You could wear a stocking cap to school and then swap it with your wig in the bathroom before class. Then, when you go home, you could take it off and be bald again. Just make sure she doesn’t see you with the wig on. Might be hard to explain. Seriously. That way you could get her off your back and then as your hair grows out, maybe she’ll forget her earlier demands.

You’d still be in obedience by having it cut.

You could let it grow to a decent length—where it doesn’t make you appear abnormal—and then YOU could ask to have it trimmed to the length you desire. If it’s your idea to have it cut, maybe it will lessen her obsession.

Also, couldn’t you sneak some deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, and some other personal items into school with you and do your morning routine in the bathroom before class? I don’t know if they allow razors in schools anymore, but they have that cool “Schick Quattro” that you could use. It has rotating blades and probably wouldn’t be considered a weapon.

If she opposes you showering or something, couldn’t you speak with the Gymn teacher and explain the situation and ask permission to use the Gymn showers in the morning, before class?

Gosh—what a dillema.

God Bless you, Sweetie.

 

[PraRFLEsEkHm]

Hi

I will pray for you.
Here are a couple of things you may find useful:

Grace - what it is and what it does

Contrition

For your Mother - run to Mary, the best Mom - and seek her protection and Prayers. She is always there, praying for and with us - and believe me…she WORKS. Other than that - go to a guidance counselor at school, pray beforehand for the words and the Spirit, to be in accordance with the will of the Father - and spill. Lay it all out for him. These people have resources that are open to them for situations like this. Make sure you pray beforehand, that makes all the difference, usually, in the outcome of things.

Put yourself in the presence of God in Prayer, ask for His will for you in this and every situation - and for the power to carry that out. You may be called for something extraordinary in this situation - but you can and will miss this if you are not, first and foremost, in the center of His will for you. That is THE most important thing.

Here are another couple of links you may find helpful:

Call to Holiness

can we be saints?

I hope this helps in some way. Your physical situation may or may not change - but your spiritual one will, and in the end that is what matters. Walk with God

My Prayers will be for you and yours

Peace

John

 

[mjdonnelly]

Dude, put up with it until you are 18, then move out.

Even if you don’t have any money, military is an option, but they’ll make you cut your hair also.

 

[PMV]

Mark Robert:

A certain poster here should be mindful that if you are giving advice, you should do so with gentleness and charity not judgmentalism. Obviously the guy is emotionally distraught. Don’t trivialize what is traumatizing to him.
As far as your mother is concerned, I would be frank about how she makes you feel. Obviously she is doing a lot of things that make you feel bad. You should tell her that her actions are hurting you emotionally. Then you will know where she stands and avoid any misunderstandings. If she knowingly continues to do the very same things after your talk, she is now hurting you with full knowledge. I would then suggest talking to your high school counselor or some other outside agency about your family problems. They can give you advice on how to deal with difficult people and situations. Additionally they will give you the emotional support you need to deal with this difficult period in your life.
Also, thank God, you’re almost at an age where you can start to assert your own financial independence. I cannot stress enough how important getting a good college education and work history is. I hate to say it but if someone has financial or emotional leverage over you, the tendency is to abuse that power. It’s human nature unfortunately. When you are able to stand on your own two feet and support yourself, then you will have the wherewithal to dictate your own terms and expectations to people. The only legitimate dependence is upon God Himself.
Don’t doubt that God loves you. He shed every last drop of blood on the cross for you!!! Don’t ever forget that fact. Jesus loves you deeply, personally and unconditionally. If you couldn’t make it to confession because circumstances prevented it, God certainly understands this and takes it into account. Just go to confession whenever a reasonable opportunity presents itself. And remember, this spiritual life is a struggle for everyone. In the book of Romans, St. Paul describes the struggle between the flesh and spirit we all must fight. It’s spiritual warfare we all must fight our whole lives. So don’t get discouraged. If you fail there’s always the loving embrace of our merciful Savior awaiting you in confession.
Feel free at any time to voice your cares and concerns on this forum. We are your brothers and sisters in Christ. If you need a virtual shoulder to cry on or an empathic ear to confide in, we’ll be here with words of encouragement and prayers of intercession on your behalf. My prayers are with you. God bless.

I have told her how much it means to me emotionally, but she stated more then once that she does not care about my dignity. Her preferences obviously mean more to her then my own stability. I have planned to see my guidance councelor about this and hopefully take steps to find a foster home. If there is any such thing as justice in this country, there has to be a barrier where emotional abuse draws the line. I do not want my spirituality and dignity robbed from me, especially because someone else has serious mental problems to deal with.
It feels horrible to not be in the position to return love to God. It seems that I must move in with a different family who will accept me for who I am. Although I’m 17, this foster home would still be worth it.
So, what are the necessary, legal steps? When I see a guidance councelor, is there anything he or she could do to play a role in getting me foster care?
Thank you for your support, Mark.

 

[Mark_Robert]

I’m truly sorry you are going through this trial. To be hurt by a family member is a very hard cross to bear because they are violating a sense of trust that should be your birthright. Family should be one’s refuge from the hardships of life. When you don’t have the solace of supportive family members, life becomes almost unbearable.
As far as finding a foster home, that is a possibility. First though, see your guidance counselor and see what he/she has to say. Perhaps they can give you advice on how to bear with your current situation at home or even act as a mediator between you and your mom. If you are eager to leave home and start a new life, there’s also college loans in abudance you can apply for that would provide the necessary funds for higher education. Going to college after your senior year will give you a change of venue and you will be free of your mother’s domineering influence. Independence is scary at first but also liberating. Think of it as starting over; starting a new life that is positive for you and your dignity as a human person.

 

[PMV]

My mother will no longer allow me to go to Confession and Mass as a punishment because I refuse to give up my dignity. I cannot go because I do not have a license, and my mother will not allow me to attempt to get my license. She will not let me go anywhere except school.

It seems that life is just becoming more meaningless…

The only possible hope I have is finding a foster home. I’m not sure if the law even deals with emotional abuse, so I may not even have that hope.

I’m not even sure if I would be prepared for Confession even if I had the opportunity, because I’d probably intend on saying a slight fib to my (what I believe to be) mentally disturbed mother who I could tell does not want me to have dignity.
For this reason I think my last Confession may have been invalid.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve sought God, but it seems He has turned away from me more then once. It’s as if I was bound to go to Hell! Why was I put in this impossible situation?!

Maybe this isn’t the right thing for me to do, as I understand that you people probably have your own problems to deal with.

I feel near the point of being fallen to despair. Love and purpose are beginning to seem unreal. I need your prayers.

 

[PMV]

That’s it! I really…just…do not care anymore.

I believe I’ve given up.

My only possible hope of ever coming back to God would require me to be put in foster care.

 

[ThisOne]

**Luke 14:26: ** "If any one comes to me without hating his father (footnote 7) and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

**Footnote (7): ** 7 [26] Hating his father . . . : cf the similar saying in Matthew 10:37. The disciple’s family must take second place to the absolute dedication involved in following Jesus (see also Luke 9:59-62).

usccb.org/nab/bible/luke/luke14.htm

 

[Al_Masetti]

One day, in Confession, I expressed my “despair” at some issue or other. The priest, at a church where I had never been before - so he didn’t know me, simply said “Don’t give up”.

On another occasion, the words were “keep coming”.

A nun who did a major job said she went to Confession DAILY.

So, if YOU have to go to Confession daily, then do it.

“Lord, hold me in Your arms, carry me, forgive me my sins, and make me the way You want me to be.”

 

[PMV]

**Luke 14:26: ** "If any one comes to me without hating his father (footnote 7) and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

**Footnote (7): ** 7 [26] Hating his father . . . : cf the similar saying in Matthew 10:37. The disciple’s family must take second place to the absolute dedication involved in following Jesus (see also Luke 9:59-62).

usccb.org/nab/bible/luke/luke14.htm

Have you read my reasoning for this?

 

[PMV]

Al Masetti:

One day, in Confession, I expressed my “despair” at some issue or other. The priest, at a church where I had never been before - so he didn’t know me, simply said “Don’t give up”.

On another occasion, the words were “keep coming”.

A nun who did a major job said she went to Confession DAILY.

So, if YOU have to go to Confession daily, then do it.

“Lord, hold me in Your arms, carry me, forgive me my sins, and make me the way You want me to be.”

I am not allowed to go to Confession or Mass, and I am not allowed to attempt to get my license.

 

[ThisOne]

Of course I have.

It is not a sin to lie to your mother if she is abusing you, any more than it is a sin to lie to Nazi’s at the door asking if you are hiding any Jews.

But you **do ** have to choose – God or your mother.

Don’t make it out like God is abandoning you; if you cannot choose Him over your mother, it will be you who are abandoning Him.

 

[PMV]

ThisOne:

Of course I have.

It is not a sin to lie to your mother if she is abusing you, any more than it is a sin to lie to Nazi’s at the door asking if you are hiding any Jews.

But you **do ** have to choose – God or your mother.

Don’t make it out like God is abandoning you; if you cannot choose Him over your mother, it will be you who are abandoning Him.

I do not understand how I would have chosen my mother over God. The reason I seem to be so seperated from God is because I resort to lieing to my mother because it is the only possible solution, and I never had a solid answer about whether this was sin or not and if it would cause my Confessions to be invalid.

Consider a mother does not allow her son to have more hair (when it makes his head much more even and put him in an emotional stable state) and does not allow him to shave. If her son made his hair look as if he got it cut then when he was away from her put it back to normal, and if he shaved behind his mother’s back, and he claims that he got his haircut and does not let her know he shaved, would this lieing be sinful. It may not sound like much I have to put up with but to me it’s emotional abuse because my mother is depriving me of cleansiness and is not concerned about my dignity.

If I went to Confession with the intention of later saying these slight fibs to my (what I believe to be) mentally disturbed mother, would my Confession be valid? I’ve never gotten a solid answer about this.

 

[ThisOne]

PMV:

I do not understand how I would have chosen my mother over God. The reason I seem to be so seperated from God is because I resort to lieing to my mother because it is the only possible solution, and I never had a solid answer about whether this was sin or not and if it would cause my Confessions to be invalid.

You tell the priest in Confession that you lied to your mother, but you felt you had no other choice and wish you didn’t have to. I’m not a priest, but I can bet you I know what a priest will say when he knows your circumstances completely. Make sure you explain it all.

PMV:

Consider a mother does not allow her son to have more hair (when it makes his head much more even and put him in an emotional stable state) and does not allow him to shave. If her son made his hair look as if he got it cut then when he was away from her put it back to normal, and if he shaved behind his mother’s back, and he claims that he got his haircut and does not let her know he shaved, would this lieing be sinful. It may not sound like much I have to put up with but to me it’s emotional abuse because my mother is depriving me of cleansiness and is not concerned about my dignity.

In my opinion, it would not be. Go to Confession and tell the priest exactly what you said here.

PMV:

If I went to Confession with the intention of later saying these slight fibs to my (what I believe to be) mentally disturbed mother, would my Confession be valid? I’ve never gotten a solid answer about this.

My feeling is that acts you commit in defense of your life, your eternal soul, your health, and your well-being are not sins, even if they involve telling an untruth.

God isn’t boxing you into an untenable position at all.

Please go to Confession (say whatever you need to say) and tell the priest everything and ask him what HE thinks. If he thinks differently than what I’ve said, I really want to know about it. I would be very surprised if he did not agree with me.

 

[Alison]

I’m Sorry, it may be that I’m misinformed, ignorant and foolish…but what’s the big deal? Really what is the big deal??It’s JUST hair.
My bro is LOSING his hair (naturally), he was so depressed about it. But after he started accepting it, he has gained more confidence and freedom than I’ve ever seen. Believe me, hair does not make a person. I’m a girl and a youth like you. I do not care about my hair. It’s just hair. My parents actually would not let me cut my hair for years and years and at one point it was exceptionally long (like guiness book of records long) and I would cry over the fact that I couldn’t cut it because I had so much pain over tying my hair up. I used to get upset at my hair because it was really unmanageable and impractical. But I did not get upset over my parents. As I got older, my parents saw that it was impractical to have long hair and now I get to cut it. I will be beautiful even if I am a completely bald woman. I will, if God calls me to marriage, be attractive to someone whether I have hair or not.
Unless there’s some practical reason as to why you can’t accept your mother asking you to cut your hair, I do not see why it’s such a big deal. You do not need your curls to live.
You have more confidence than to think that if you lose your curls you’re going to look “bad”. You are going to be beautifull whether you have hair or not but that depends on who you are as a person; do your curls define you? You will be beautiful and attractive if you project that quality naturally with or without “beautiful and stylish” hairstyles. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
God loves you PMV!! Who cares about hair??

 

[PMV]

ThisOne:

You tell the priest in Confession that you lied to your mother, but you felt you had no other choice and wish you didn’t have to. I’m not a priest, but I can bet you I know what a priest will say when he knows your circumstances completely. Make sure you explain it all.

The main point is my intention while I’m in Confession that I will eventually say a fib to my mother.

ThisOne:

In my opinion, it would not be. Go to Confession and tell the priest exactly what you said here.

It would take quite a while for me to explain all of this to the priest in the confessional. Perhaps I should continually try posting this on ‘Ask an Apologist.’

 

[PMV]

I’m Sorry, it may be that I’m misinformed, ignorant and foolish…but what’s the big deal? Really what is the big deal??It’s JUST hair.
My bro is LOSING his hair (naturally), he was so depressed about it. But after he started accepting it, he has gained more confidence and freedom than I’ve ever seen. Believe me, hair does not make a person. I’m a girl and a youth like you. I do not care about my hair. It’s just hair. My parents actually would not let me cut my hair for years and years and at one point it was exceptionally long (like guiness book of records long) and I would cry over the fact that I couldn’t cut it because I had so much pain over tying my hair up. I used to get upset at my hair because it was really unmanageable and impractical. But I did not get upset over my parents. As I got older, my parents saw that it was impractical to have long hair and now I get to cut it. I will be beautiful even if I am a completely bald woman. I will, if God calls me to marriage, be attractive to someone whether I have hair or not.
Unless there’s some practical reason as to why you can’t accept your mother asking you to cut your hair, I do not see why it’s such a big deal. You do not need your curls to live.
You have more confidence than to think that if you lose your curls you’re going to look “bad”. You are going to be beautifull whether you have hair or not but that depends on who you are as a person; do your curls define you? You will be beautiful and attractive if you project that quality naturally with or without “beautiful and stylish” hairstyles. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
God loves you PMV!! Who cares about hair??

Although it may sound like some stupid, minor little annoyance at first, in reality there’s many aspects to the issue for me. Part of the answer to your question is that if I have less hair my entire head looks completely out of shape, and that applies to my face, and face structure as well. However, if I have more hair it’s just the opposite. But it’s not even the hair that’s the core problem here, it’s the fact that I don’t know if my Confessions would be valid if I intend on saying around two fibs to my troubled mother for the sake of my cleansiness and mental stability. You’d be shocked about the differences in which I was treated in public with more hair compared to short hair.

 

[ThisOne]

I would post a question in the Moral Theology forum, PMV.

Also, did the not going to Confession and Mass predate the hair issue, or is it just punishment?

If it is punishment for being disobedient to your parents, you may just have to bite the bullet for as long as you live at home and do what she requires, crazy though she is.

God does want you to be obedient to your parents, and if her request that you cut your hair to an average length is not on its face bizarre, then you probably need to do it.

I’m sorry if I have been all over the map with this; the priest will not support you in disobeying your parent if your parent’s request in and of itself is reasonable. You don’t have to get a buzz cut, but you may just have to shorten your curls. In fact, why don’t you try that first – cut a small amount first and see if she’s satisfied.

Or ask her what she actually is bothered by with your hair.

Try to negotiate with her if you can.