Being open to a third child

[Allegra]

A few blood tests (the first of which has to be done anyway to confirm pregnancy) doesn’t cost the tax payers near as much as a series of D&Cs. The progesterone pills aren’t too bad either.

 

[Xantippe]

Why is it the trend on CAF to use examples of parents with poor coping skills as reason to limit family size?

Well, it is a counterexample to the idea that everybody could easily manage a larger family than they have and that all that’s needed is stepping out in faith.

In this situation, if the OP’s wife is reluctant to have more children, it’s likely that she feels at her limit, and (if that is the case) it needs to be taken under consideration. Their current family size may be what she feels capable of dealing with at this point.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I agree. Every person is different, as is every couple. Families come in all sizes for various reasons. None of us should feel it is our place to make that determination for all families across the board. What is a blessing for some is turmoil for others. Many factors to consider in these decisions.

Some of the responses in this thread may be considered blunt, but OP asked for advice and CAF didn’t disappoint!

 

[Xantippe]

At the same time God does not promise and easy road to those who follow him.

In your case, the road of sacrifice involved may be accepting your current family size.

If one spouse is truly feeling the desire for a new baby, it is time for the other spouse to pray with them and ask guidance (from God) on what should be happening in order to “make room” in their hearts and home. It may be that there isn’t a way, but that needs to be determined through prayer and deep, open communication.

And, conversely, for the spouse who wants a baby to pray for the ability to be content with their current family size…

 

[Psalm30]

In your case, the road of sacrifice involved may be accepting your current family size.

Right. Also, I think too often, people assume “be open to God’s will” automatically means “have a baby.” But being open to God’s will may also mean “accept your current situation with grace.”

 

[Psalm30]

I see a difference between specifically trying to get pregnant and ending conservative use of NFP. I feel a tug on my heart to the later, not necessarily the former.

Honestly, there’s not much difference between the two. If you are not following the chart, you need to assume you will get pregnant. Same as contracepting couples would if they no longer used a condom every single time they had sex, or missed a pill or two.

 

[13pollitos]

I don’t decide what the MTF provides and what it doesn’t. Care and quality of care varies from duty station to duty station. It took three years before they tested my thyroid. That’s a common test as well. It is what it is. You often get what you pay for with Tricare.

 

[13pollitos]

It may be, but she needs to communicate that with her husband. The fact that she is shutting down discussions is why he posted for advice. It is purely speculative to make assumptions on what her feelings are. Either way, the examples given do not reflect that family situation in the least, according to the OP.

Also, no one has stated anyone can easily handle a large family. Truthfully, no parents can easily manage even one child. Kids are a lot of work! Being a parent is hard, exhausting, messy work. It is rewarding though.

 

[13pollitos]

Not necessarily. For some couples, not charting will quickly result in a baby, but for most couples it does not. Even with charting to achieve pregnancy, lots of couples take well over a year. There are those couples that never chart, never avoid yet never try either, and only have one or two children (or even no children). Other couples are very relaxed with NFP or just calendar rhythm, yet never have an oopsie baby. Of course other couples are very strict with NFP and they have a few surprises over the years.

 

[13pollitos]

As I said, it may be that there isn’t a way, but it needs to be determined by that couple through prayer and open communication. Even a couple trying their hardest for a larger family needs to accept that it may not happen. Many people never have any children. I certainly didn’t plan on having only two late in life. I married at 20 and we started trying right away. It took 7 years for me to get pregnant the first time, and 25 years before I had a live baby in my arms. I had already accepted the fact it would never happen many years before then.

As much as we humans (especially us ladies) would like to believe, our fertility isn’t really up to us. There are sometimes ways to manipulate it, but it doesn’t always work. Even couples going for IVF have to accept that it may not result in a new life, just as women with IUDs have gotten pregnant.

Acceptance does need to go both ways, but a spouse should not need to accept a unilateral decision with no discussion on any matter. That is not a healthy way for families to operate.

 

[13pollitos]

You are probably right that many people believe that. Anyone who has ever struggled with fertility issues has a completely different understanding of God’s Will when it comes to Family planning though.

 

[Psalm30]

It may be, but she needs to communicate that with her husband. The fact that she is shutting down discussions is why he posted for advice. It is purely speculative to make assumptions on what her feelings are.

At the risk of making another assumption, is it possible that the reason she’s shutting down the conversation is that she feels he is pressuring her — intentionally or not — to have another baby when she is truly at her limit?

 

[Psalm30]

Not necessarily. For some couples, not charting will quickly result in a baby, but for most couples it does not. Even with charting to achieve pregnancy, lots of couples take well over a year. There are those couples that never chart, never avoid yet never try either, and only have one or two children (or even no children). Other couples are very relaxed with NFP or just calendar rhythm, yet never have an oopsie baby. Of course other couples are very strict with NFP and they have a few surprises over the years.

I’m just saying, the less you’re following the chart, the more you have to anticipate a potential pregnancy. The odds are irrelevant. Anytime you have intercourse on a day the chart says is fertile, you have to acknowledge it could result in pregnancy. For a 40-year-old woman who has concerns about another pregnancy, it’s understandable that she most likely wouldn’t be okay with that.

 

[Psalm30]

Acceptance does need to go both ways, but a spouse should not need to accept a unilateral decision with no discussion on any matter. That is not a healthy way for families to operate.

I’m remembering another thread on here where a young lady stated she never wanted to have children and felt it was unfair for men who want children to ask a woman to go through the pains of pregnancy and childbirth for them when they themselves don’t have to go through it. I think that viewpoint is extreme, and no, a wife doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that her husband will never get to experience fatherhood (not to mention permanent intention against children invalidates a marriage) even though she is indeed the one who will most directly experience it. But after a couple has already had multiple children and are currently raising a family, the husband does need to acknowledge that his wife will be the one taking the brunt of things — she will be the one who has to risk all the complications, heal from being cut open for the third time, possible PPD all while having another child to care for in addition to the demands of the other two — and take that into deep consideration when the time comes to make a decision.

 

[HoldingSpace]

Using a very conservative rules is still open to procreation because the marital embrace isn’t being impeded from creating a pregnancy (no physical barrier or chemical means). Following the most conservative rules does not guarantee that a pregnancy won’t occur; it’s just creating a probable circumstance where it becomes very unlikely (statistically) that it will occur.

My physicians and midwives always told me that if working plumbing is present, then a pregnancy can occur.