Being rejected at work

[guanophore]

My boss said before we should all sit with HR but I said I would have to think on it. I feel that she will not change and I wouldn’t even know what to say really.

Actually, YOU are the one who needs to change! You need to detach yourself from her, so that she is not ruling your feelings. You need to be able to live fully in the Kingdom without allowing people like her to interrupt your balance.

Romans 14:17 " the kingdom of God is …righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Your job is to seek first the Kingdom, and all else will be added to you. Focus on your relationship with Him rather than her, and how you feel around her.

It’s just going to be more awkward since I will no longer speak to her unless absolutely necessary and we’re 5 feet from each other.

It may be awkward, but unless you can demonstrate that she is somehow impeding the function of the workplace, your complaints will just look like you are overly sensitive. These kind of shunning bullies are very skilled at making it appear that they have not done anything wrong.

If you keep to yourself, and don’t give her the satisfaction of rejecting you, then she may even up the ante and give you something valid to bring forward. I am not saying that you are “too sensitive” because I am not sure that is the case, or that your hurt feelings are not valid. I am saying that employers are not very concerned about your state of emotional satisfaction. They want productivity, and they want happy workers because happy workers are more productive workers, but they don’t want to be the ones to take time and energy to keep you happy! By law, there are certain things to which they must respond, like hostile workplace complaints, but “feelings” lack sufficient evidence for them to do so.

She knows way more ppl than me since she’s been there longer so she gossips often near our desk

Gossiping is something you can document. It is interfering with productive work time and is innately damaging to relationships, but of itself, it may not be sufficient either.

You may feel left out socially, but you are better off not knowing about the gossip.

May have to that I’m just not good under pressure

It may be more effective for you to wait until you are more confident, and have amassed some documentation to demonstrate your concerns. That might include names of people who visit her and the “gossip” topics. Frankly, it seems to me like not a good use of your work time and energy. Ignoring it might have better results.

 

[guanophore]

Constant praise and returning a greeting are different and responding to work queries appropriately is also different from wanting constant praise, dont you think?

Yes, but being hurt and feeling rejected and having a lot of your day feel like it is ruined by a bully is just giving in to what the bully wants.

it is wise to put a limit on how much emotional energy you’re going to give to it.

I agree.

we do have the power to learn to decide how to handle our emotions surrounding these things.

Indeed, and this may be a main part of God’s plan in this situation, which is why it may not be beneficial to try to get HR to solve it.

I have been in several hostile environments, one for many years with a temperamental bully. In the end, what worked the best was many months of careful documentation that focused on facts, events, and behaviors.

 

[Theresa1]

Guanophore, Brendan and pamnbam thank you so much. Your last few posts I will certainly reread and reflect on again. One thing I notice is I (unfortunately) am one that could use direction/tips to do. For example, as I know her talking to herself all day bothers me I wear headphones. Wearing headphones is the thing for me to do that will help with that. What is the thing I can do to ignore her when I catch her eye and see her give me a dirty look, instinctively I would feel bad. Instinctively I feel aggravation when I see her face first thing in the work day what do I do to “focus on my relationship with Christ”. I know how I sound and I apologize for sounding emotionally immature among other things perhaps but if someone could tell me tips on the HOW part of not letting her rule my emotions and HOW to focus on Christ instead. Here is my plan, keep wearing headphones and eventually when I hear her saying expletives under her breath I just ignore the angry feeling and focus on something good. That’s all I have. I’m immensely grateful to all of you. I pray God sends you all such wisdom when you are in need as I am.

 

[2towers]

I had a somewhat similar situation. In the end, I just stopped caring, and ignored the person. I pushed thoughts of her out of my head when they came. Sounds like you have more than done your due diligence. If saying hello is depressing you, consider just stopping. There is no sin in that.

 

[pamnbam]

When you catch her eye in the morning, look her square in the eye, give her a confident nod, and carry on. She will see these “chunks” of confidence coming from you and if you’re consistent, she’ll learn she can’t shake you.

It’s kind of like retraining a dog previously mistreated by people (not a perfect example, but it’s similar). A terrified dog will either lash out (like your coworker) or be very timid and scared in its new surroundings. It doesn’t yet understand that you, unlike the other people it’s met, won’t hurt it. In bringing an animal like that home, you can’t overwhelm them in showing how good you are. Instead, you need to give them time and space to trust you and learn that you won’t hurt them. With firm but gentle treatment, in most cases, most animals come to know you and trust people again.

This is why it isn’t rude of you to not speak to your coworker. You already know she won’t speak back. Give her space and “stay out of her face” with extreme enthusiasm. You’re trying too hard, and when people get overwhelmed, they can get rude (not saying that’s an excuse for her) or they can shut down. Continue to be humble and treat everyone with kindness. Perhaps in time she’ll come around.

 

[guanophore]

What is icing? Is that like the silent treatment because I do things like that a lot…

Yes, icing people includes the silent treatment. It is considered a passive aggressive form of communication.

https://www.passiveaggressivehusband.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/5-Ways-To-Fight-The-Silent-Treatment.pdf

Try asking her questions of various kinds.

I don’t think this is a good idea. If it were a new relationship, yes, but this has been going on much too long. It is better to remain professional, but distant, and refocus on the work, leaving the toxic relationship to the side.

Wow for almost 4 years this woman responds to me rudely to the point of being nasty sometimes and I have mental illness. Maybe yesterday I was a bit more emotional than the norm but your comment is odd

Yeah, that is a bit overboard. But you can seek out a counselor at your company EAP, and talk about how painful it is, and has been, and a plan to survive for the future. Being wounded does not mean you are mentally ill, but it does mean that you have a vulnerability, a soft spot that enables meanness to get a foothold and cause you pain. That is something you can fix.

 

[Seagull]

Some religious person - sent this guy a book -
This is his book review upon it.
You might…find this interesting.
( bet your glad it’s friday,
But I also bet you don’t look forward to Monday so much )

 

[guanophore]

I’m not sure what I’m contributing to it to be honest.

You are contributing your sensitivity, and your desire to be accepted and liked by a hostile co-worker. Unfortunately, your need/want to have acceptance and belonging makes you vulnerable to this kind of bullying.

God is leading you into deeper sanctification. He knows what you have need of before you ask it, and He has allowed you to be in the furnace of purification so that you will be more useful to Him as a disciple. A disciple cannot be more concerned with how others treat them than they are with Kingdom living. We all have these vulnerabilities, and God allows certain situations to occur so that we may be healed and purified. Through these we become more useful to Him.

She also grumbles loudly by herself at the desk and yesterday she did that excessively while I was working on projects I normally wear headphones to tune this habit of hers out (I could never mention this to her because someone told me I would be rude

No, it is not rude to let your co-workers know that their habits are annoying. That being said, if you wish for her to change to accommodate you, it is not likely to happen.

( …she also might get angry) but I didn’t feel like wearing my headphones yesterday so maybe that added to my bad mood yesterday

It is true that, when you are being held emotionally hostage by a bully, you will be constantly on edge about not upsetting them.

Basically what you have here is a clash of personal preferences. If you are “not in the mood” to wear your headphones, then you will be irritated when you have to tolerate what they block out.

The bottom line here is how can you Seek First the Kingdom. If you can stay more plugged into the Holy Spirit wearing your headphones,then you need to use them even if it is annoying.
God is challenging you to find out how much of your own comfort and satisfaction you are willing to give for Him. Are you willing to take up your cross, and carry it? That does not mean you have to put up with abuse, but when the abuse impinges on your personal preferences, are you willing to sacrifice?

 

[guanophore]

I also realize her grumbling to herself constantly distracts me and I resent wearing headphones but I guess I shouldn’t resent it and just be thankful for headphones(?)

Absolutely! I had a boss forbid me to wear headphones, so I had to be subjected to all the office gossip. It was terrible! Count it all joy! Plug yourself into some hymns or the Divine Office, or a Catholic radio station and tune her out!!!

Also I only kept saying good morning because I kept telling myself that maybe what Jesus wants me to keep doing. It was always because I felt it’s the Catholic thing to do and that is really all.

It is always best to begin with kindness, politeness, and civility. But there are cases where these actions just contribute to the problem. You seem to be in one of those.

Thank you, thing is she’s Catholic! I hear her sometimes tell others she’s going to Church etc… yet last week I sent her a simple email and heard her grumble loudly “oh great”. I’m sick of that but a better person on here I’m sure would just not mind very much at all …

I know what you mean. Last week, I was told by one of the rudest, difficult people in the whole agency tell me that she saw me at the Easter Vigil sponsoring a Confirmation candidate. I was apalled! How could someone as difficult to interact with as she is be Catholic! But the Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. I realized that she really has no clue what the fruit of the Spirit is.

Don’t compare yourself to others but only to God’s standard for yourself. It does not matter what others might be ale to do in your situation. It matters what God is calling YOU to do.

the problem is with me in which case I’d like to know how I can fix me

certainly all of it does not belong to you, but you are only responsible for the part that does belong to you.

I’m just trying to figure out just how I can let it roll off my back 7 hours a day.

This is a great goal!

 

[Theresa1]

Wow you really hit a homerun here. This is precisely where I’ve been emotionally. Thank you for the advice to continue to wear the headphones (giving up my comfort/preference to not wear them) even if I resent her very much for putting my ear health at risk due to daily and hourly wear because it does keep me plugged into the Holy Spirit , that was very helpful and I will always remember that thank you.

 

[Theresa1]

Absolutely! I had a boss forbid me to wear headphones, so I had to be subjected to all the office gossip. It was terrible! Count it all joy! Plug yourself into some hymns or the Divine Office, or a Catholic radio station and tune her out!!!

Wow I just read your part 2 love it thank you so much!!!

 

[Seagull]

Remember - another saying -
Don’t wrestle with a pig -

1. you won’t win - and 2) they like it when you do.

 

[Theresa1]

Thank you! In fact the other day I had to ask her a work related question and the voice that came out when I called her name barely resembled my own because it sounded confident and not all scared to call her name like I always used to be. I was scared but i sure didn’t sound like it so that may have been a “chunk”. I always worry I might come across as arrogant and I don’t want that.
Thanks so much again for your great advice.

 

[Theresa1]

Thank you Seagull, she tried to strike up small talk last week and after politely answering I stood up and politely excused myself. I felt bad even though I was polite. My sensitivity irks me as though a part of me feels like I should always be nice like before which is sweet, now I’m just cold and polite with a professional smile. It doesn’t feel great but I’ve tried being warm and got stepped on.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Maybe she knows that you told on her and that made her dislike you even more. I am not saying that you deserve the treatment you get from this woman. Not at all, I am not calling the victim the one in the wrong but hear me out… If she knows you told on her and you are smiling and saying hello to her everyday maybe she sees you as as a fake or something. I am not saying that is what you are, not at all but I just want to know does that make sense? Is it a possibility she knows you once complained to HR about her?

 

[Theresa1]

Hi yes she’s aware I mentioned to HR years ago I found her talking to herself loudly a distraction to my work. And she never stopped so I wear headphones now

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I am not a workplace bully at all but if someone reported me to hr and then smiled at me everyday I would feel awkward and kind of wish they just ignored me. Maybe she feels the same way. Regardless, I hope your situation gets better.

 

[Seagull]

Oh, as a Catholic move, sneak in early to work
and sprinkle some holy water on her desk -

 

[Theresa1]

I’ve begun to do this actually thank you!!

 

[Theresa1]

And on my desk too