Being rejected at work

[PetraG]

Just by the way…is there any possibility that the desk nearest to her was available when you were hired for a reason? There are a lot of coworkers out there that others in the organization are OK with or even like, but only provided it is “in small doses” or when that coworker isn’t engaged in some particular activity.

 

[Theresa1]

Absolutely could be the case, Thete were a few before me, she the longest and yet I can’t leave or be transferred for another few years so right now I need to actually learn how to “not care” about someone because strangely and unhealthily I seem to wonder if it’s ok to ignore her and then what if one day she decides to be nice and ask about my kids, which will probably happen do I engage again only to be disdained a moment later. My husband says if she does this just be polite and stand up like you’re going to walk away but not share anymore. Thanks Petra for your response.

 

[PetraG]

Absolutely could be the case, Thete were a few before me, she the longest and yet I can’t leave or be transferred for another few years so right now I need to actually learn how to “not care” about someone because strangely and unhealthily I seem to wonder if it’s ok to ignore her and then what if one day she decides to be nice and ask about my kids, which will probably happen do I engage again only to be disdained a moment later. My husband says if she does this just be polite and stand up like you’re going to walk away but not share anymore. Thanks Petra for your response.

Yes, I think she is someone to treat with the respect due to any human being regardless of their conduct (because of your own standards of how you treat everyone) but not someone to trust. There are people out there who will cut off their own nose to spite you if they decide not to like you, and she sounds like one of them.

Having said that, I have been in the situation where I have decided to be kind to someone who does not like me. Once you reassure yourself that they dislike you without cause, there is a little schadenfreude in it.

Even the Bible says so:
Like the removal of clothes on a cold day, or vinegar on soda,
is the one who sings to a troubled heart.
If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat,
if thirsty, give something to drink;
For live coals you will heap on their heads,
and the LORD will vindicate you.
Prov. 25:20-22

Do not repay anyone evil for evil; be concerned for what is noble in the sight of all.
If possible, on your part, live at peace with all.
Beloved, do not look for revenge but leave room for the wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
Rather, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head.”
Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.
Rom 12:17-21

Notice that the Bible says that (a) some people will hate you without cause and (b) the thing that drives that kind the craziest is continuing to be decent to them, anyway and (c ) it is OK to know your kindness is driving them crazy and to get a bit of consolation from that.

It could just be that continuing with the normal level kindness you would give to anyone and paying as much attention to her aggression as you would to a mean goose kept on the other side of the fence will give you a feeling of control over the situation. I say: do what works for you. If you just give her a wide berth, it is a natural consequence of her behavior. If you essentially ignore her nastiness, you make her agression impotent. Bullies have been known to stop bullying that does not have the intended effect.

More to the point, if you think she is spiteful, stay off her radar. Don’t throw pearls before swine and get torn up for your trouble. That is not required. You can shake the dust of the unwelcoming off of your feet; there is no sin in it.

 

[Theresa1]

Thank you Petra, so do you think it’s ok for me not to say hi or bye unless in a general way like if there are others around and respond politely whenever she addresses me is enough because if she stops for small chat I will be polite but then excuse myself. That is going to be my approach from now on whereas before I initiated all the greetings and made several attempts at going the extra mile but no more. I hope that would be ok in Gods eyes.

 

[Theresa1]

Hi Margaret, no need to apologize! I see the confusion. If you read the post I responded to he sarcastically said I needed mental help but I missed the sarcasm and thought he was serious.

 

[PetraG]

I would think the Lord would be fine with that.

He has been there, after all, and worse. There were times when he didn’t mince words about it.

(We played you a tune and you did not dance, played you a dirge and you did not weep…how I have longed to gather you in like a hen gathers her chicks…eat cetera…oh He knows. He didn’t stick around for it except when the hour required it…)

 

[Theresa1]

THAnk you Petra

 

[Randolph]

You sounded like a kind and accommodating person. You have done more of your share of reaching out to your worker. Without receiving a response for so long, I would suggest that you stop your reaching out to this person and move on. Your continued greetings to him/her may make the situation worse as this person may even dislike your greetings. You may not know what is going on in this person’s life or mind. It could be anything. He/she may not like you for whatever reasons. Or there are things going on his/her life that are very difficult. Clearly, this person chooses to keep it to himself/herself.

On a more important note, I have important questions for you, and you need to resolve them. Why does a lack of a response from this person (anyone) hurt you? Why would you allow it to happen? Is your state of mind dictated by, or dependent on, the behavior of this person (anyone)? I would suggest you talk to someone that you trust and who is credible to guide you through these important questions.

God bless…

 

[Theresa1]

HI thank you for your response.i think because 20% of the time she’ll say hi or bye back and it’s a habit for me to say good morning or bye when I first enter my job but I will stop awkward as it is. I’m not sure why her lack of greeting hurt perhaps it’s due to the one day she’s nice so I think all is fine and then she reverts to the cold shoulder but I’m not sure. You all have been very helpful thank you

 

[Roseeurekacross]

I think because there is some history between you, and no doubt a superior spoke to her,

It’s going to be very difficult to establish any sort of friendship with her. I would say she is being very cautious, and probably could be carrying it.

Why are you seated so close to her. Can you ask to be moved, or put a privacy barrier up

 

[Theresa1]

HI thank you. My boss wants us to sit together because we do the same job, we have a small barrier between us but I can still hear her cursing under her breath and also when she holds loud conversations with herself. Thank you

 

[Seagull]

 

[Lost]

Reading your story I can relate. I have experienced that myself.
All I can think of is remembering you in my prayers.
I don’t want to give advice of what to do because people have different circumstances.
I just want to say that you are not the problem so don’t let these behaviour bring you down.

My method was writing to my manager explaining what happened and how that affects my job (I didn’t mention anything personal). At that time I thought: if the manager is not a fair person, I don’t want to work for that kind of people. I was lucky because my manager was good and I care about my job so they take effort to investigate my problem.
I still respect that coworker as a person but I cannot work with him anymore. His behaviour was affecting the job.

 

[Randolph]

Theresa1… I wish you well in this venture and other ventures in your life. I recall one of the better advices I received as a young adult from a good, older friend:

“While you can not control others’ behaviors, but you can control your own. People generally adjust their behaviors toward you by how you allow yourself be treated, and therefore be respected. Embrace and welcome good, respected behaviors toward you; while reject and walk away from behaviors that are disrespectful and unbecoming toward you.”

In the Gospel of Matthew, we were told that we are sheep among wolves. So we are to be as gentle as doves, but as clever as a serpent.

God bless…

 

[Myles_Falworth]

I’ve been in the workforce for about 15 years where I work. There are lots of different people dynamics which come into play. One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that some “experienced” employees sometimes give the cold shoulder to new employees - sounds like you might be a new one there. Also there is a definite problem some women have with other women. Don’t know the reason, but it could be something like that. If it’s just the old/new thing, then it may get better over time. You might need to “prove” yourself to this person by your performance on the job. Or she might be a poor performer herself and might fear that you will show her up. Either way, I don’t think I’d go to HR, as it will only reinforce her perception of you as a threat. It sounds like your manager is aware of the situation. That’s probably as far as you should go. If you please your manager, then you should be just fine. Stick it out! Be strong! God Bless!

 

[Myles_Falworth]

If she’s genuinely nice sometimes, then she might have some personal issues going on which put her in a bad mood some days. She might not be able to overcome her personal demons on those days. I’ve met folks like that too. I hold out for the day when they smile and say something nice, which sometimes can be a week or two. You never know what someone else is going through. Maybe someday she’ll tell you.

 

[guanophore]

I would love to know what you all would do. That’s why I’m asking really. Thank you

I think it is important to be civil/polite/professional but just focus on your own work and pray for her. Instead of focusing on how she is acting, focus on your relationship with Jesus. You have much more invested in being the person He wants you to be than meeting anyone else’s expectations.

 

[pretty_lexi]

Does she do the same with your other colleagues?
Maybe she’s just like that, a roommate of mine also have experienced the same thing during her internship. Turns out she’s just an introvert, try to look at the bright side.

 

[Brendan_64]

Theresa1, perhaps you could flip this around? People are different, not everybody likes lots of bubbly, “Hi, how are you?” etc.

I can be a right old grumpy, miserable so and so at work. If I’m fed up about something it shows all over my face, I will grumble to myself, slam things down on my desk, and ignore people. I don’t even realise I’m doing this much of the time, until someone tells me. I can also have a very direct manner when speaking about things.

I remember once when someone new and inexperienced joined and I worked with them and (as I thought I was) helping them. I was then called into my manager’s office to be told that this person had come in in tears about how I had dealt with her. I was stunned as I had no idea. Thankfully my manager was ‘old school’ and had a good understanding of people.

However, after that I decided to keep any contact I had with the other person to the minimum (in order to protect myself).

The world is made up of different people with different personalities. We don’t all react the same and we don’t all get along with each other. Perhaps try to put this down to her personality (blunt, moody, abrupt) and accept that perhaps you get on her nerves (not your fault, just a personality clash)? If she doesn’t respond to you saying hello to her then perhaps stop saying hello to her? If she doesn’t want you to say hello to her, maybe stop saying it?

Anyway these are just my thoughts, I wish you well and hope things work out for you.

 

[pamnbam]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. There have been lots of responses and I haven’t read them all, but there could be a few things going on with your coworker.

The first thing that comes to mind is that she treats you this way and not others because she is getting a reaction out of you. Especially if it’s subconscious to you, if you show averted eye contact, a slight sigh when she doesn’t return your “good morning,” a wince, your body braces up when you see her, etc. she can be taking that to fuel her need to bully. People can pick up on that, some easier than others. Because of your sensitive nature, some people may mistake that for weakness and there are people who prey on the weak. Always stand tall, keep your head up, and carry yourself like the dignified daughter of Christ you are.

She could just be dealing with problems or insecurities of her own (see above how some insecure people deal with that). Is she really sighing because she’s reading the email or just sent or was it coincidental? Maybe something happened to her, or her best friend used to work with her/sit in your spot, etc. and she resents that, not you. You don’t have to speak to her every day. That’s not rude. She may need space.

One thing, though, someone not speaking to you doesn’t necessarily warrant a HR visit. She hasn’t done anything substantial to warrant something like that in a corporate world. If she is bullying, however, that’s a completely different story, but you would still need sufficient proof (rudeness can be, simply not speaking to you can’t).

She may just feel your personalities don’t mesh. That’s fine, not everyone’s does. You don’t have to prove her wrong. It may be a good idea to try to ask her to lunch or offer to go with her to a noon Mass sometime. She may find that you are a good and sweet person. She may refuse to go or not ever see you that way.

Maybe you’re confusing your own insecurity with sensitivity, you just don’t act rudely like she does. Instead, you turn inward, wondering what you’ve done wrong. Nothing. You haven’t done anything. Just remember that she does not, nor does anyone else, own your happiness. Don’t hand that power over to her.