Being rejected at work

[PetraG]

Thank you, that actually ended today I’m no longer going to say hi or bye since she doesn’t respond even when it’s quiet and I know she hears me which is almost comical if it weren’t so blatantly rude. The worse part is now this may fuel her gossip with coworkers “she doesn’t even say hi etc…”

If you start worrying about what she is saying aboout you when you’re not in earshot, she is going to make you crazy.

Try to talk yourself into the realization that putting up with her is pretty small potatoes to an actual saint trying to put up with you (or me…this is a universal matter, not about you!) Remember the parable about the servant who had his debt canceled, if that helps.

I also have used this prayer to advantage: Lord, you love her right now, because right now I can’t do it. That sort of admission of weakness often brings help from Heaven.

 

[Theresa1]

Literally just now I had to send her a standard email and she loudly exasperated. It sounds so strange that I would feel hurt over something that is obviously her issue but it seems I don’t know how to not take it personally it’s weird I wish I could, but some days are better than others.

 

[Theresa1]

Thanks I appreciate it. It’s strange because I get irritated when she whispers to herself too, the nonstop grumbling bothers because i feel is about me, especially after sending an email. I talk to myself to but I don’t carry a conversation with myself. I find a big distinction there. THe headphones help but because I have to wear them all the time I find myself resentful of her since who knows if it’s affecting my hearing.

 

[PetraG]

Literally just now I had to send her a standard email and she loudly exasperated. It sounds so strange that I would feel hurt over something that is obviously her issue but it seems I don’t know how to not take it personally it’s weird I wish I could, but some days are better than others.

Another thing I have found helps is to imagine someone acting like a petulant 12 year old–sweet one minute and acting as if anything she’s being asked to do is SO UNREASONABLE the next!–really is a petulant 12 year old. It is easier to be merciful to someone who is, after all, merely trying to be irritating if you give yourself a reason to imagine that she may be functioning at an unenviably low level of maturity.

This technique even works for other petulant 12 year olds and even 6 year olds, so anyone of any age may play. It is a bit condescending, but beggars can’t be choosers when fake-it-til-you-make-it is already the level of operation.

Who knows? Maybe she’ll have an epiphany and grow up. That is what she needs to do, but in this situation you are not the parent.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Literally just now I had to send her a standard email and she loudly exasperated. It sounds so strange that I would feel hurt over something that is obviously her issue but it seems I don’t know how to not take it personally it’s weird I wish I could, but some days are better than others.

You’ve never gotten an email and thought, “Please dear God, I can’t handle one more thing today!!” ?

Some people are just more vocal than others.

I think something in your past must be making you take on these feelings.

She’s exasperated, she’s frustrated and she can’t handle her job (apparently). Sure, she sighed after you sent an email but thats about her frustration, not necessarily a dislike of you, especally if she’s moaning and groaning all day over other things.

 

[PetraG]

If you’ve ever been the single person that someone is shunning and treating like your existence is a burden, you know how it wears on you. Unlike an older sibling–someone to whom you can give open feedback–a more senior coworker has a unique position to make a more recent hire’s life miserable.

 

[Theresa1]

I definitely have gotten those emails but if my neighbor who’s within earshot sent it I would be sure not to grumble expletives. One time I asked her “what was that?” I couldn’t help it and she pretended she didn’t know what I was talking about but I know it was about me. I stopped doing that, it felt awful having to confront her with such a question.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I definitely have gotten those emails but if my neighbor who’s within earshot sent it I would be sure not to grumble expletives. One time I asked her “what was that?” I couldn’t help it and she pretended she didn’t know what I was talking about but I know it was about me. I stopped doing that, it felt awful having to confront her with such a question.

Not everyone has the same tact as you…that’s my point. Just because she lacks tact does not make it your problem.

 

[PetraG]

I definitely have gotten those emails but if my neighbor who’s within earshot sent it I would be sure not to grumble expletives. One time I asked her “what was that?” I couldn’t help it and she pretended she didn’t know what I was talking about but I know it was about me. I stopped doing that, it felt awful having to confront her with such a question.

The way to handle this is something you’re going to have to work out on your own. I don’t think HR is going to be much help. It is possible she’s got something going on in the rest of her life, and work is the only place she can act out, or it may be that she’s been like this since she was a toddler and won’t ever change. I’d advise working on coping rather than trying to change her by anything but prayer. She sounds like someone that some people wouldn’t find troubling–the “at least you always know what she is thinking” school of thought–and other people would take pretty much in the way that you do…which is to say, “Oh, well, at least if I learn to endure this, it could take a little time off of my Purgatory.”

 

[Theresa1]

lol I have said that. Yesterday was a horrid day and since I offer up sufferings of the day for the intention of my children getting closer to God, this morning as I was offering up today’s suffering I remembered yesterday and sort of chuckled in thanks to God for how much more closer my kids are now to Him thanks to her. Before reverting back to Catholicism an idea like that would have seemed ludicrous and empty. I know better now. Even if my suffering is great over something others would shrug off (I wish that were me) it still counts I hope.

 

[Theresa1]

Right I understand but could you please tell me how you would personally feel and respond? I hope you don’t my curiosity. You just sent someone in your life you don’t get along with an email (perhaps don’t envision a current coworker you get along with) and they within earshot called you a “b”. This question is open to anyone I really appreciate learning from this forum. Thanks everyone

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Right I understand but could you please tell me how you would personally feel and respond? I hope you don’t my curiosity. You just sent someone in your life you don’t get along with an email (perhaps don’t envision a current coworker you get along with) and they within earshot called you a “b”. This question is open to anyone I really appreciate learning from this forum. Thanks everyone

I worked in the open office with a bunch of people my age. It happens.

 

[Lou2U]

I would have told her not to use language like that about you again - and if she did, I’d be informing the superior. There’s a difference here between not saying hi and bye and not involving you in conversation (which is possibly something you will just have to try and ignore) and swearing about you.

 

[Theresa1]

Ok im no longer confronting her, just ignoring and taking notes when necessary.

 

[Theresa1]

This is useful. Thank you very much. The problem is she pretends she didn’t say it.

 

[Lou2U]

The problem is she pretends she didn’t say it.

I would simply tell her to stop and then carry on with work. Don’t feel you have to respond to her again, and if she pretends she doesn’t know what you’re talking about just ignore it. And if she says it again, tell your boss.

 

[Socrates92]

Really? You’d classify Icing as worse than spreading rumours? And “Little Abrasive Things” (aka human nature) is classified as bullying? I was surprised not to see “micro-aggressions” somewhere on here. This is just a recipe for unnecessary escalation. To suggest the idea of filing a complaint, and potentially damaging someone’s career for the (mostly minor) things on this list is itself pretty callous.

 

[Socrates92]

Hopefully, the boss/HR would have the fortitude and leadership not to overreact, but you can never tell.

 

[Theresa1]

If someone called you or someone you loved a “b” and was rude on a consistent basis including getting others to ostracize you’re loved one (like a bully) and your loved one felt her integrity violated would you suggest they not ruin the other persons career? Or am I misunderstanding perhaps.

 

[Socrates92]

If someone called you or someone you loved a “b” and was rude on a consistent basis including getting others to ostracize you’re loved one (like a bully) and your loved one felt her integrity violated would you suggest they not ruin the other persons career? Or am I misunderstanding perhaps.

I missed the part about active verbal abuse. Yes, in that case I might support escalating things. I don’t remember if you said you personally confronted her, but it’s always nice to give someone a heads up and chance to change before you take things to the boss. I apologize if I jumped in too soon before reading all the details.