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Socrates92
Guest
I was responding more to the chart, most of the details of which I would not classify as bullying.
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Theresa1
Guest
Thank you for your courtesy! I did confront her maybe twice and both times she nastily denied saying anything. Today we spent the day in silence and I do feel a bit sad that I can’t wish a fellow Catholic a happy Easter since I’m off the rest of the week especially since I’ll be saying it to everyone else. Oh well
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shainski
Guest
Theresa,
I’m sorry you are going through this. It must be a constant source of irritation.
When I was young, I worked at one job for a few years. I got along well with everyone. I eventually left and took a job in another city.
While I got along with almost everyone there as well, there was one woman who seemed to detest the ground I walked on. I kept trying to figure out what it was that I did wrong. I became almost obsessed with trying to figure it out. But the harder I tried, the worse she got (and the more bothered I was). Until one day when I finally blew my top. I had some task that I needed some information that was on her desk. She was on the phone. I went and borrowed the information with the intention that I would return it within a couple of minutes. I did return the information a couple of minutes later - and she whispered some unpleasantry under her breath. I couldn’t help myself - I closed her door and said in a loud demanding voice "LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE ME. I’M NOT SO FOND OF WORKING WITH YOU EITHER, BUT WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER FROM TIME TO TIME. I don’t know what else I said, but I said it loud and clearly
For the next few days she was a super nice person. I couldn’t figure it out. But over time, things got back to where they had been. Then a strange thing happened. I was having a hard time with a dry cleaner who had lost a brand new suit. They were offering me a settlement t hat i was not going to accept. I had come into work on a Saturday and was studying for professional exams. The drycleaner had called me - and I was not happy with the result. I hadn’t realized that I was almost shouting into the phone at the dry cleaner. This coworker overheard me - and, once again, she was so sweet for a few days after that.
It was not in my nature to lose my composure with anyone. But, it started to appear to me that she responded well to me losing my temper when nothing else worked (even when it was not her that I was losing my temper to).
I decided that I would stop caring what she thought about me. I learned the lesson that there was nothing that I could do to get everyone to like me. That was a valuable lesson to learn. When we had to interact, I only did the bare minimum to get the information that I needed. We did not exchange any pleasantries. And I ceased worrying about it (why give power to her to control my feelings?).
I know - easier said than done. But once I realized that either on purpose or otherwise, she was controlling my emotions. I stopped caring about her (good or bad).
I no longer give people that I do not respect - the power to influence me. I figure "Why should I care about his/her opinion if I don’t respect the person?
I’m sorry you are going through this. It must be a constant source of irritation.
When I was young, I worked at one job for a few years. I got along well with everyone. I eventually left and took a job in another city.
While I got along with almost everyone there as well, there was one woman who seemed to detest the ground I walked on. I kept trying to figure out what it was that I did wrong. I became almost obsessed with trying to figure it out. But the harder I tried, the worse she got (and the more bothered I was). Until one day when I finally blew my top. I had some task that I needed some information that was on her desk. She was on the phone. I went and borrowed the information with the intention that I would return it within a couple of minutes. I did return the information a couple of minutes later - and she whispered some unpleasantry under her breath. I couldn’t help myself - I closed her door and said in a loud demanding voice "LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE ME. I’M NOT SO FOND OF WORKING WITH YOU EITHER, BUT WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER FROM TIME TO TIME. I don’t know what else I said, but I said it loud and clearly
For the next few days she was a super nice person. I couldn’t figure it out. But over time, things got back to where they had been. Then a strange thing happened. I was having a hard time with a dry cleaner who had lost a brand new suit. They were offering me a settlement t hat i was not going to accept. I had come into work on a Saturday and was studying for professional exams. The drycleaner had called me - and I was not happy with the result. I hadn’t realized that I was almost shouting into the phone at the dry cleaner. This coworker overheard me - and, once again, she was so sweet for a few days after that.
It was not in my nature to lose my composure with anyone. But, it started to appear to me that she responded well to me losing my temper when nothing else worked (even when it was not her that I was losing my temper to).
I decided that I would stop caring what she thought about me. I learned the lesson that there was nothing that I could do to get everyone to like me. That was a valuable lesson to learn. When we had to interact, I only did the bare minimum to get the information that I needed. We did not exchange any pleasantries. And I ceased worrying about it (why give power to her to control my feelings?).
I know - easier said than done. But once I realized that either on purpose or otherwise, she was controlling my emotions. I stopped caring about her (good or bad).
I no longer give people that I do not respect - the power to influence me. I figure "Why should I care about his/her opinion if I don’t respect the person?
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PetraG
Guest
I have one more suggestion: there is a book a lot of libraries have called “The Sociopath Next Door.” I’m not suggesting you put that label on her, but consider the advice of the author and I think it fits, particularly doing whatever you can to STAY OFF OF HER RADAR because this woman has a demonstrated lack of integrity and a habit of spitefulness. She doesn’t have to qualify as a true sociopath to qualify as someone you would do well to give wide berth. Don’t fear her, but just stay clear of her as much as you can. Do not try to repair the relationship; she has been very clear that she does not want one and will do what she can to punish your attempts in that direction.
This is Stout’s Rule of Threes: One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.
People who don’t have a conscience will cut off their own noses to spite you. Steer clear of them. Steer clear of her. (I would not take the willingness to go to church as any sign of anything, because even sociopaths go to church if they think it will win them good opinion or some advantage with other people.)
That is also a proportionate natural consequence for the way she has treated you. It is not a vindictive response. Do not do anything to get her attention, one way or the other. Whatever seems to put her in the mood to ignore you, do that.
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Theresa1
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Amen to this!! It’s the part about stopping caring that I need to learn what to actually do or think to get to that level of not caring, I suppose with persistent prayer, thank you very much for sharing your story I appreciate your helpful (name removed by moderator)ut.
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Theresa1
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Petra this was very helpful thank you so much.
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SugarMagnolia
Guest
If she is calling you names, that should be reported to HR. Even if you think she’ll deny it, report it. And don’t let anyone know you’re going to report it. You need this on record just in case she makes false claims about you.
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PetraG
Guest
I would advise keeping notes at a time and in a place not available to her.
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SacredHeartBassist
Guest
you’re being harsh.
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PetraG
Guest
Very inexpensive, though. Don’t have to bill insurance.
Seriously, though, free advice is worth what you pay for it, you have to consider the source, but sometimes other people who have been in the workplace can give perspective. Unfortunately, that includes working with people who are very toxic. (It has been estimated that as many as 9% of US adults have some kind of personality disorder, which is astronomically high even if the estimates have been lowered quite a bit.)
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Spyridon
Guest
Meh.
Sometimes the truth is harsh. It’s a tough world, not a real life candyland.
Sometimes the truth is harsh. It’s a tough world, not a real life candyland.
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SacredHeartBassist
Guest
no, you told a woman who admitted she cried over something that happened over work that she needs to go see a therapist.
women cry over stuff, it doesn’t mean they should see a therapist.
women cry over stuff, it doesn’t mean they should see a therapist.
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PetraG
Guest
Yes. There is also no shame in looking at an issue you’re having and admiting that your efforts to cope with it aren’t working too well. If your quality of life is suffering as much as the OP says hers is, it is not a bad idea to start turning over some stones that one has not tried yet. Asking a broader audience if your take on the situation is reasonable is a start. It is free advice; it is worth what she’s paid for it. Still, she has gotten a broad range of responses from people who will never know who she is which might give her an idea of the broad range of responses she might get if she were to talk to co-workers about this. She might want to talk to someone who does work coaching professionally. There are professionals out there besides psychotherapists.
I get the sense that she is feeling things can’t go on like this, and I think she’s right. She’s looking for some suggestions; some will fit her and some will not, even though all might have worked for someone in her situation. I’d encourage her to take into account that she’s hearing a fairly typical range of responses. It is good to share this kind of thing with someone you can look in the eye, but In her position I’d be careful about who I approached at work. The person who is giving her trouble seems to be fairly popular in their workplace, so I would expect people who would not normally go to bat for bad behavior to either stay out of it or defend the older woman as “that’s just the way she is.”
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Reuben_J
Guest
Didn’t you wish you were Mike Tyson, waited for him after work, and slug it out, beating him until he cried uncle? Some people deserve that. Just kidding.
To the OP. … My empathy to the OP. It is a nasty thing to experience at workplace and especially which you cannot avoid.
Bully like to pick on people with certain character; people who are likely to become most miserable by her bullying.
I have no solution for you other than to recognize your inherent difficulty in dealing with bad people. It’s not your fault, you don’t deserve it, but this thing does happen and it is really unfortunate for you.
Take confort that she is only being cold towards you; at least she does not sabotage you or puncture your car tires.
God bless
To the OP. … My empathy to the OP. It is a nasty thing to experience at workplace and especially which you cannot avoid.
Bully like to pick on people with certain character; people who are likely to become most miserable by her bullying.
I have no solution for you other than to recognize your inherent difficulty in dealing with bad people. It’s not your fault, you don’t deserve it, but this thing does happen and it is really unfortunate for you.
Take confort that she is only being cold towards you; at least she does not sabotage you or puncture your car tires.
God bless
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Sunflower98
Guest
You sound very much like my mother (whose own name was Theresa 
) Mom had a very sensitive heart and was wounded by slights others could easily brush off. It was just the way she was wired.
Who knows why this woman is a jerk? Maybe that’s how SHE is wired. If you’ve tried to be nice and it’s not reciprocated or appreciated, that’s her problem, not yours. And, personally, I think it’s her loss, you sound kind a nice lady.
If she’s calling you a b**** that is inexcusable. That should be taken to your supervisor and/or HR immediately. It’s grossly unprofessional and creates a hostile work environment. Let her deny it; at least she knows you’re going to stick up for yourself. As for gossiping near your desk, I’d say very confidently: “I’m sorry, but you’re disturbing my work, can you please move you conversation elsewhere?” Even if she’s too stupid to be embarrassed enough to move, whoever is with her will likely comply.
) Mom had a very sensitive heart and was wounded by slights others could easily brush off. It was just the way she was wired.Who knows why this woman is a jerk? Maybe that’s how SHE is wired. If you’ve tried to be nice and it’s not reciprocated or appreciated, that’s her problem, not yours. And, personally, I think it’s her loss, you sound kind a nice lady.
If she’s calling you a b**** that is inexcusable. That should be taken to your supervisor and/or HR immediately. It’s grossly unprofessional and creates a hostile work environment. Let her deny it; at least she knows you’re going to stick up for yourself. As for gossiping near your desk, I’d say very confidently: “I’m sorry, but you’re disturbing my work, can you please move you conversation elsewhere?” Even if she’s too stupid to be embarrassed enough to move, whoever is with her will likely comply.
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Roseeurekacross
Guest
Have you had a run in with her before, or taken an issue concerning her to HR or your boss
I don’t understand that comment
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Theresa1
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I HI. Yes two years ago I sought help from HR due to the loud grumbling and constant exasperation that were distracting. At this time I also mentioned examples of her rude unprofessional behavior. They said they would have the manager talk to her and that was it. No one from HR nor her manager followed up with me. At this time I realized no one really cared so I took matters into my own hands and starting wearing headphones. That helped with the grumbling not her nastiness when I did need to approach her for work. A few days ago I was especially feeling the weight of this and my boss noticed and we chatted and she suggested we go to HR I said I would think on it since I tried that before. The thing is this lady is horrid most days but then she’ll act like she’s nice another day asking how I’m doing, I’m thinking to myself she’s not well since she just snapped back at me yesterday and called me a b the week prior. It’s like she’s playing with my head. So now I ignore her completely, I stopped trying to be like St Therese and show her kindness because all I got was nastiness and someone I spoke with said I shouldn’t have to jump through hoops for her and st Therese was different because she lived with them. Thank you
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Theresa1
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Thanks to all who have responded. I appreciate it. Just a little background I just replied to someone else and thought to share generally. I sought help from HR due to the loud grumbling and constant exasperation that were distracting. At this time I also mentioned examples of her rude unprofessional behavior. They said they would have the manager talk to her and that was it. No one from HR nor her manager followed up with me. At this time I realized no one really cared so I took matters into my own hands and starting wearing headphones. That helped with the grumbling not her nastiness when I did need to approach her for work. A few days ago I was especially feeling the weight of this and my boss noticed and we chatted and she suggested we go to HR I said I would think on it since I tried that before. The thing is this lady is horrid most days but then she’ll act like she’s nice another day asking how I’m doing, I’m thinking to myself she’s not well since she just snapped back at me yesterday and called me a b the week prior. It’s like she’s playing with my head. So now I ignore her completely, I stopped trying to be like St Therese and show her kindness because all I got was nastiness and someone I spoke with said I shouldn’t have to jump through hoops for her and st Therese was different because she lived with them. Thank you
May you all have a Blessed Easter.
May you all have a Blessed Easter.
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Theresa1
Guest
Hi. Honestly nothing comes to mind, what I do remember are feelings of bafflement telling my husband of her excessive rude behavior that would last for days and then her rare nice days. When she treated me nice I was happy, when she treated me poorly I found myself feeling bad like I did something wrong. Only recently I realized I was letting her moods affect not just my days but how I felt about myself, strange!! But yesterday I didn’t speak to her at all and I was friendly with everyone else without being shy (or arrogant) for some irrational fear of upsetting her. She actually said bye in a snarky way l’m just feeling a little bit like it’s a prison because HR nor my boss does anything so I just offer it up everyday. Thank you for asking
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Theresa1
Guest
Hi. I don’t recall ever saying I had mental illness.
Yes everyone else at the workplace is professional and respectful.
Yes everyone else at the workplace is professional and respectful.
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