Being single...not a vent thread

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Sierrah

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No not venting on this thread just making an observation.

Being single can be a wonderful or miserable depending on how you take it. Strangely enough since I’ve taken a vacation from church the last few weeks I gained an inner peace. I’m probably not leaving the church but going to services every week and feeling alienated was taking a toll that I didn’t realize till I took a break. I plan on going back this week with a refreshed attitude. For those that will say missing mass is a mortal sin …well I’ve never been one of those that thinks God stands there with a rule book just waiting catch us doing something so he can punish us. He knows my motivations and what’s in my heart and I’m sure he’ll judge me on that I’m sure if not well I’ll find out someday I guess.

As to being single I’m more resigned to it then I’ve been lately I guess it’s a work in process. I’m moving on to just enjoying life. I hope you all have a great fourth of July. 👍
 
Sierrah said:
No not venting on this thread just making an observation.

Being single can be a wonderful or miserable depending on how you take it. Strangely enough since I’ve taken a vacation from church the last few weeks I gained an inner peace. ** I’m probably not leaving the church but going to services every week and feeling alienated was taking a toll that I didn’t realize till I took a break. ** I plan on going back this week with a refreshed attitude. For those that will say missing mass is a mortal sin …well I’ve never been one of those that thinks God stands there with a rule book just waiting catch us doing something so he can punish us. He knows my motivations and what’s in my heart and I’m sure he’ll judge me on that I’m sure if not well I’ll find out someday I guess.

As to being single I’m more resigned to it then I’ve been lately I guess it’s a work in process. I’m moving on to just enjoying life. I hope you all have a great fourth of July. 👍
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Thank you for the post, and wanted to ditto the sentiment: “I’m probably not leaving the church but going to services every week and feeling alienated was taking a toll that I didn’t realize till I took a break.” Those of you seniors, families, single parents, etc., don’t realize how “easy” you’ve got it in the church. “Alienated” is a pretty darn accurate word for how I feel any time I go to church and have to sit through homilies geared towards married couples. God bless the singles.
 
As a single person who has in the past been treated with appalling rudeness
(not just simple alienation) by other church-goers while attending Mass,
I hope that you will avail yourself of the Sacrament of Confession
to confess missing Mass before receiving Communion this weekend at Mass.
 
I am single and have never felt alienated or been treated rudely by anyone associated with church.

What are you guys talking about?
 
Sierrah said:
No not venting on this thread just making an observation.

Being single can be a wonderful or miserable depending on how you take it. Strangely enough since I’ve taken a vacation from church the last few weeks I gained an inner peace. I’m probably not leaving the church but going to services every week and feeling alienated was taking a toll that I didn’t realize till I took a break. I plan on going back this week with a refreshed attitude. For those that will say missing mass is a mortal sin …well I’ve never been one of those that thinks God stands there with a rule book just waiting catch us doing something so he can punish us. He knows my motivations and what’s in my heart and I’m sure he’ll judge me on that I’m sure if not well I’ll find out someday I guess.

As to being single I’m more resigned to it then I’ve been lately I guess it’s a work in process. I’m moving on to just enjoying life. I hope you all have a great fourth of July. 👍
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I would have recommended talking this over with your pastor beforehand. Formally, you are in a state of mortal sin. I highly recommend Confession before you receive Holy Communion again.

I do understand your feelings. My parish is a family parish, but the homilies are great but non-specific. This tends to leave me not feeling isolated, but I agree - there is a dearth of young Catholics attending Mass, and feeling emotionally and spiritually disconnected from your parish community is a bad thing. It’s possible that if you really needed a break from Mass at your own parish, your pastor could either have dispensed you from your obligation for your own spiritual health (this is called economy by the Eastern Church), or recommended another parish for you to attend temporarily.
 
First let me start off by saying that I am NOT single, and even I notice how the church seems to ignore its singles. Sometimes I get the feeling that they only way the acknowledge them is by trying to pair them up and end their singleness as if it were some kind of a curse.

I hope this is something that with time and awareness, will end.
 
Sometimes I get the feeling that they only way the acknowledge them is by trying to pair them up and end their singleness as if it were some kind of a curse.
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Where can I find those parishes? In all the years I wanted to “meet a nice guy at church” maybe once or twice someone actually tried to fix me up!😃 Oh, well.

On a serious but caring note, to Sierrah: I have SO been where you are at as far as the feelings of loneliness; I was there for years, felt the exclusion, perceived rejection, etc. I think there were times I had tears come to my eyes. It is hard in a family oriented parish to feel as if you even exist as a single person at times.

Years have passed, I’ve come to terms with my single status. That takes time. But I’m concerned for you for another reason. I don’t know you, but I’ve known friends who have wanted to move away from the Church temporarily or permanently because of the pain of not getting these emotional needs met. And it is painful. How painful varies for each person, and may vary over time depending on how much stress they are under and things like that.

But I hope with all my heart that you’ll begin to be able to distinguish feelings from facts; it’s a necessary spiritual growth stage. The feelings are painful, but the Mass and the Eucharist are the means to the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Our Lord to come and dwell within you – and they will strengthen you! So please don’t let your emotional state cause you to deprive yourself of them, OK?

I found Chapters 14 & 15 of John’s Gospel to be helpful in this understanding – in them, Jesus tells the disciples that it is going to be difficult to follow His Commandments, but He also tells them the strength of the Holy Spirit and that the servant is not greater than the master and if the world hates you it hated Him first (John 15:18).

And it’s probably not that anyone hates you, it’s just that they’re oblivious. Which can be almost as difficult as outright hatred when we feel down. Feeling invisible and all that.

So…consider finding an understanding priest who can help you heal both emotionally and sacramentally – and know I will be praying for you – as Pope John Paul II reminded us so many times, BE NOT AFRAID! God Bless you!:hug3:
 
the_phoenix said:
As a single person who has in the past been treated with appalling rudeness
(not just simple alienation) by other church-goers while attending Mass,
I hope that you will avail yourself of the Sacrament of Confession
to confess missing Mass before receiving Communion this weekend at Mass.
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Thank you for the advice but like I said I don’t feel like God holds a rulebook over our heads. I go almost every week and try to live a good life not having it easier by going in the wrong direction.
 
Sierrah said:
Thank you for the advice but like I said I don’t feel like God holds a rulebook over our heads. I go almost every week and try to live a good life despite trying to having it easier by going in the wrong direction.
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Sugah (from a single who is neither young enough to have a big ‘date pool’ nor old enough to be a senior yet). . .

It doesn’t matter whether **you personally **‘feel’ what you do about God and rules. What matters is what exactly God really says and does. He had quite a lot to say about rules and ‘living a good life’. . .but surprisingly in context He said not to ‘reject’ appropriate rules but rather to obey them even when it was difficult to do so. And He also said that ‘living a good life’ was not enough. Rather, one must take up one’s CROSS (something hard and difficult but absolutely necessary) and that in the obedience and willingness to accept God’s ‘rules’ and to submit to the authority of the Church and not to the “authority of ME and what I THINK God feels” we will wind up ‘living a good life’ as the fruits of that willingness to do HIS will and not ours.

Believe me, I have sympathy. But I did exactly what you are doing and for probably pretty similar reasons, only to find out that I was making God into ‘my image’ and endowing Him not with His truth but with falsehoods and limitations based on my limited human understanding. In doing so, I was not only falling short in my own life but I was an instrument for leading others astray as well. I didn’t WANT that awful heavy cross but paradoxically, though taking it up and carrying it is worse than I had dreaded, in the obedience of taking it up it has become ‘lighter’ than the ‘false freedom’ I thought I had when I made God a ‘jolly old fellow’ who wasn’t that awful ‘disciplinarian’.

You see, you (and I) had made God first a stern ‘rules master’ (which He is not) ONLY to ‘reject’ that notion in order to satisfy **our own desires. ** We took only one aspect of God --His justice–twisted it into a miserable stern despotism–so we could reject it. . but not in favor of God the true merciful AND just God, but an equally false, “God who understands and lets us do as we please provided our conscience says it’s okay”. This ‘lovey dovey’ god is as FALSE as the mean’ Gotcha’ god but so much easier for us to use to get around actually having to follow the harder Christian teachings.

Don’t make the mistakes I did. Don’t run from one false ‘god’ by making another more to your liking! Go with the true God and take up the cross. You won’t be sorry.

And there are worse things than being single (and I’ll say that even after last week’s power failure when I was stuck for 3 days with absolutely no ‘help’). One can be equally lonely as a married person, and even more miserable if that person works at making you so. Believe me.
 
NEWS FLASH !!!

Being single is not a curse, for many not even a life stage. It is just the state of being unmarried. I am 60 and thankful to be a lifelong single person.

There are those unsatisfied with single life. And also those who find singledom suits them.

We have responsibility to ourselves, to achieve personal happiness, whether that is within or outside marriage.

The church is not a matchmaking bureau, nor a counseling service for unhappy singles. Single people need to be proactive, in realizing their hopes and ambitions.

I have often wondered, myself, what causes some people to be perpetually single, while others find relationships to be easy.

What I do see, though, is that those who appear to be good potential partners, do not find a shortage of romantic partners.

My conclusion is that we need look within ourselves for the solutions to our life challenges. If you don’t like being single, then do something about it.
 
The church isnt going to hand anyone a wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend. It is hard to make everyone happy. Some churches have a very low population of singles. Others have a high population. It is impossible in a short sermon at a normal Sunday mass to include everybody. Most sermons arent on family life anyways. Most are about some personal aspect of the faith. Churches with high populations of singles have singles groups and events. Most younger people arent religious. This means there are less people spread over a wide area to get a group set up at every church. It is a waste of time to have singles events when few people show interest or go to events. What does the church need to do to cater to singles everywhere? There is always a chance you are one of the few, maybe only, single you age at your church. The most the church could do is tell you what to look for in a man but there is plenty of information on that all over the world wide web. If you want the church to cater to singles you need to give them a good reason to by bringing numbers to church. It is like talking to a wall if you cater to people that arent there.
 
I forget one thing. If you are single it is normally because your standards are too high. Some standards need to be non-negotiable. However, too often I see singles complain about not having someone and they then describe a list of superficial standards. Not everyone is meant to marry the perfect mate either looks or personality wise. If you find youself perpetually single it is often because you have unrealistic expectations for a partner to have. There is no perfect match for most people. The key to finding someone is to be realistic and understand that not everyone is perfect. There are a lot of less attractive singles and also a decent amount of extremely attractive single that both have trouble realizing that their dream partner is not a realistic partner.
 
Magickman said:
NEWS FLASH !!!

Being single is not a curse, for many not even a life stage. It is just the state of being unmarried. I am 60 and thankful to be a lifelong single person.

There are those unsatisfied with single life. And also those who find singledom suits them.

We have responsibility to ourselves, to achieve personal happiness, whether that is within or outside marriage.

The church is not a matchmaking bureau, nor a counseling service for unhappy singles. Single people need to be proactive, in realizing their hopes and ambitions.

I have often wondered, myself, what causes some people to be perpetually single, while others find relationships to be easy.

What I do see, though, is that those who appear to be good potential partners, do not find a shortage of romantic partners.

My conclusion is that we need look within ourselves for the solutions to our life challenges. If you don’t like being single, then do something about it.
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While I agree with some of what you said, you could have said it in a nicer way. Some people have a hard time being single. Luckily, people like you and I don’t have that issue. I love being single, and I don’t find the church to be anti-single or anything else like that.
 
**Firstly to Tantum ergo and Sierrah: **

Thanks Tantum ergo for answering Sierrah far more eloquently than I ever could. And Sierrah, here’s hoping that when you go back to church, the Lord will provide you with a friendly welcome. Something worth praying about … And we singles should really stick together, even if we are on a forum like CAF, Jesus says where two or three are gathered in His name, there He is in their midst. 🙂

On another note:

I tried the whole joining groups, Donut Sundays, getting involved in active ministry, heck, I even hosted a Women’s Renewal Group Christmas Party in my apartment. Guess I’m just too … who knows what … for Catholics to accept me as a single person in social situations. That said, I currently am involved in my parish as part of the Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration Team, and have been for several years.

What I learned though was, instead of staying after Mass for Donut Sundays, I started going out in nature, just me and my camera.

And guess who accepts me now?

Art galleries.
🙂

In fact, I currently have a framed fine art photo on display in an art museum
as part of a national juried show !! It will be on exhibit through August.

So yes, the Lord has given me a dream to follow and I’ve learned to
simply go where I’m accepted when it comes to social functions.
Turns out my peeps are in the art world.
Who knew?

That said, I’m still very much a pro-life conservative
practicing Catholic who attends Mass and loves the privilege
especially loves the Latin Mass … and
I’m a Ronald Reagan Republican.

~~ the phoenix
 
mjs1987 said:
I forget one thing. If you are single it is normally because your standards are too high.
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Or, it is because the dating “pool” is “poisoned”.

Additionally, as a single man, I find myself hurt not by a lack of attention to single people but rather that often we singles are given grief for seeking marriage in the first place.
 
While I’d love to meet a good Catholic chap at mass, my primary reason for going there is not to socialise with the opposite sex.

I don’t feel alienated at Mass because I’m not there to “mingle” with others, and while I’m more than happy to be social with people who are polite towards me, I don’t think it matters to them much either that I’m there alone. I mean, I attend a Parish and I was there for 5 - 6 months before someone said something to me, and it was along the lines of “are you new here?” >_<

I think Mass is not the time to socalise with those there, there are plenty of after mass and social functions the parish puts on, whether directed at singles is kind of moot given you could puruse the crowd at a morning tea and just start introducing yourself.

You get out what you put in. Mass isn’t a singles’ bar.

Though, I do agree that there aren’t enough resources for single Catholics being offered by churches. Of course, the homilies down here tend to be about the environment and helping our fellows and other non-relationship/sexual things.
 
God does not hold a rule book over your head, He expects you to be a saint. There is absolutely no point in calling yourself Catholic if you don’t believe every single thing the Catholic Church teaches to be 100% true. If the Catholic Church is wrong on any single doctrine then it is most assuredly not the church created by our savior, Jesus Christ.

I am sorry that you feel that way though. I pray that your situation improves. I ended a 4 year long relationship several months ago and the loneliness is very, very difficult to deal with. I pray that we are both able to find and meet someone to helps us find Christ and become the saints we are meant to be. 🙂
 
Sierrah said:
No not venting on this thread just making an observation.

Being single can be a wonderful or miserable depending on how you take it. Strangely enough since I’ve taken a vacation from church the last few weeks I gained an inner peace. I’m probably not leaving the church but going to services every week and feeling alienated was taking a toll that I didn’t realize till I took a break. I plan on going back this week with a refreshed attitude. For those that will say missing mass is a mortal sin …well I’ve never been one of those that thinks God stands there with a rule book just waiting catch us doing something so he can punish us. He knows my motivations and what’s in my heart and I’m sure he’ll judge me on that I’m sure if not well I’ll find out someday I guess.

As to being single I’m more resigned to it then I’ve been lately I guess it’s a work in process. I’m moving on to just enjoying life. I hope you all have a great fourth of July. 👍
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It is worth talking to your pastor about it–and yes, you ought to confess it, because it is an obligation from which you didn’t bother to seek a dispensation–but if skipping Mass gives you inner peace, then I’m ready to believe that the parish you regularly attend is not the right place for you. That skipping tells you something does not mean you found out that “something” by the best means open to you. Still, it doesn’t mean your newly-found insights aren’t correct, either.

You have to be at Mass at least on Sundays because you are needed there, and because you need to be there. It is part of the work that is ours to do: as the Church puts it, “the source and summit of the Christian life”. No, God does not hover over us with a rule book, ready to smite us. He also doesn’t wait around for the chance to make us dizzy when we don’t bother to eat because we don’t feel like it, nor does he drive our friends away when we are faithless to them. Neglecting our needs and obligations carries its own consequences.

When you’re looking around, don’t neglect the idea of going places like a college Newman Center, a local convent or monastery, a hospital, a shrine, or a parish that supports a charitable organization that you like to volunteer at. Just don’t neglect your just duty to worship, nor your support of the the Church, whereever you go.

“First he says, “Sacrifices and offerings, holocausts and sin offerings, you neither desired nor delighted in.” These are offered according to the law. Then he says, “Behold, I come to do your will.” He takes away the first to establish the second. By this “will,” we have been consecrated through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. Every priest stands daily at his ministry, offering frequently those same sacrifices that can never take away sins. But this one offered one sacrifice for sins, and took his seat forever at the right hand of God; now he waits until his enemies are made his footstool. For by one offering he has made perfect forever those who are being consecrated. The Holy Spirit also testifies to us, for after saying: “This is the covenant I will establish with them after those days, says the Lord: ‘I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them upon their minds,’” he also says: “Their sins and their evildoing I will remember no more.” Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer offering for sin. Therefore, brothers, since through the blood of Jesus we have confidence of entrance into the sanctuary by the new and living way he opened for us through the veil, that is, his flesh, and since we have “a great priest over the house of God,” let us approach with a sincere heart and in absolute trust, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed in pure water. Let us hold unwaveringly to our confession that gives us hope, for he who made the promise is trustworthy. We must consider how to rouse one another to love and good works. We should not stay away from our assembly, as is the custom of some, but encourage one another, and this all the more as you see the day drawing near. If we sin deliberately after receiving knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains sacrifice for sins but a fearful prospect of judgment and a flaming fire that is going to consume the adversaries.” Heb. 10:8-27
 
Well, I am single and have absolutely NO idea what you are talking about. I have never felt alienated or looked down on because I am single. So, I guess I can’t relate. :cool: Honestly, I don’t think one should go to Mass looking to meet someone. Of course that would be nice to meet someone at church but I hope that isn’t the reason you go to Mass. I also agree that you really need to go to confession before receiving because like it or not, not attending Mass=mortal sin. :eek:
 
I know how you feel. I used to run out of Mass in tears because the family-oriented life was too painful to have rubbed in my face. So I stopped going for several months, and I was so much happier. I’m going now, but I remember Mass just caused too much pain and heartbreak.
And the only way to find acceptance is to have a boyfriend. I’ve found my parish life to be so much better since I said I had a boyfriend. It’s been like night and day. People are now nice to me. It is like they know how to categorize me. One woman even said “well, we know you are able to attract a man then.” Whatever.
It is sad really, because I personally haven’t changed, but my parish is shallow and money grubbing anyway (welcome to Seattle!).
 
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