Being single...not a vent thread

[3DOCTORS]

First a little humor: Church Excuses: see madtbone.tripod.com/church.html

We all have 'em, but if we listen to 'em we are going to end up worse off than before.

I echo Tantum ergo – we have to get past that point of rejecting the negative image of God but without “throwing the baby out with the bathwater.” There is a loving God Who made the commandments for our own good. We have to step out in faith even when we don’t understand – “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief” can be our prayer.

Sierrah, I offered my Holy Communions for you to help in your struggle. Peace be with you.:angel1:

 

[tabsie3210]

And the only way to find acceptance is to have a boyfriend. I’ve found my parish life to be so much better since I said I had a boyfriend. It’s been like night and day. People are now nice to me. It is like they know how to categorize me. One woman even said “well, we know you are able to attract a man then.” Whatever.
It is sad really, because I personally haven’t changed, but my parish is shallow and money grubbing anyway (welcome to Seattle!).

Catholic single chick here, who until recently has been desperate for a boyfriend -

I think you guys are going to the wrong parishes.

Although I myself have, until lately, been depressed and desiring a boyfriend, and hating myself for not having one, I never felt like it had anything to do with the Church or with Mass attendance. Actually, I’ve been jealous of several of my Wiccan friends I grew up with. They’ve always had long lines of lovers, intense and passionate relationships, and I’ve always been on the outside of those, and jealous.

Whereas at Mass, the emphasis has always been on the Eucharist. Really, the purpose of Mass is the re-creation of the Last Supper, and the celebration of Christ’s death and resurrection. Christ is physically present, Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity, in the Eucahrist.

Yes, there are lots of family-oriented issues brought up in the Mass. For example, if someone is renewing his wedding vows, or when there’s a Baptism of a baby, or going to the Children’s Mass on Saturday nights. And really, they are such short experiences, only an hour a week, that they’re more fun than anything, at least for me.

If you and the OP are actually under pressur because you’re single, then I’ve got to wonder if the church you’re attending isn’t the wrong one for you. Is this something the Pastor there is causing? Are you being looked askance at by the priest, deacons, and other religious? Or are the actions of well-meaning but thoughtless attendants in the pews upsetting you? If the clergy and religious are actively making you feel unwelcome, then it’s time to find a new parish. And, if that’s the case, I seriously suggest you drop a line to the Archdioses with your concerns. That’s plain wrong. Jesus himself suggested that while marriage is good, as it’s a Sacrament, being single for the Lord is better.

Now, if it’s the people in the pews that are bothering you, you don’t necessarily have to mingle. Attend Mass, slip out to your car, and head home with your Rosary in hand and the joy of the day ahead of you. My ideal Sunday is: Mass, Nap, Dinner with my parents, Pray, bed. Very lazy, but doesn’t include things that require me to be around a lot of married folks, unless you count Ma and Daddy. But if they’re too pushy, the opportunity to leave is also there.

But, there’s a third possibility - because there are lots of families in your community and in your parish, your priest could focus his homilies on how the Word of God affects family life, or you might be surrounded by a lot of married couples with lots of kids, and it could be that you find the stress of being single amid all those marrieds to be intolerable. In that case, it’s less about your single status and more about your perception of that status. Perception issues can be tricky, because they could be psychological issues (depression, anxiety, stress, etc.) or they could be personal feelings expressing themselves negatively.

Keep in mind that anything that separates you from God is evil, be it your own sin or the evil actions of others. If your perception is that you’re unwelcome, that could also be cast by Satan himself, trying to break you from God. We all need to be with God, in prayer and in our daily lives. The Mass is the ultimate prayer, the celebration of Christ’s Passion. To miss Mass is to miss out on the opportunity to be with God Himself in such a personal way that you’re doing yourself a disservice to avoid Mass.

OP, you might feel better being away while you’re under stress, but I can’t believe that being away is actually “good” for you, when it denies you the opportunity to be with God. Failure to love God is the gravest of all sins, and that’s why missing Mass is a mortal sin - it is the ultimate rejection of God, when not done for a good reason (illness, forced to work, caring for small children, etc.).

Ultimately, missing Mass will not “fix” whatever is wrong. It’s a temporary sensation that might make you feel relieved right now, but will cause a widening gap between you and God. Please consider Reconciliation and Penance, and then either start attending a different church or attend your old church with the intention of celebrating Christ, not involving yourself in the singles-vs.-marrieds debate.

Anything that separates comes from Satan, and anything that joins comes from God. Remember that.

One last bit of advice - you might want to consider a check-up. Stress can either be a cause or an effect, and may be a symptom of depression, or can lead to it. Addressing physical problems can be as useful as addressing the emotional and spiritual problems plaguing you.

 

[kelvinf]

Hi Sierrah,

there is an e5 man who is going to make a sacrifice on Wednesday for you.

Peace be with you!

 

[kelvinf]

…Luckily, people like you and I don’t have that issue. I love being single, and I don’t find the church to be anti-single or anything else like that.

Me too. That is, I really don’t have that issue. (However, I am still trying to attain a high degree of integrity and to be chaste.)

 

[Bataar]

I don’t feel any level of “discomfort” or anything for being single while attending Mass. That said, about my only interaction with church is Sunday Mass because there is nothing else going on that caters to, targets, or tries to include single adults. Once kids finish up high school level youth groups, there’s not much at all for them in regards to social groups, until they get married. If you don’t get married, there’s nothing for you outside of Mass.

 

[kib]

If there is nothing for your age group at your church then start something or move to a church where there are more activities/ organizations. Complaining about it won’t help you or anyone else.

 

[Halo]

Thankyou for posting. It has really been an eye opener into the life of single people. I would never have known that a single person would be experiencing this kind of pain. The single people that I do know seem very happy in their state . I would have imagined that staying close to Our Lord would be more consoling . Sometimes we all get a little uncomfortable in our surroundings and maybe all you needed was a change of location. May God give you comfort and may you feel yourself loved beyond imagining.

 

[Bob_Crowley]

My wife and I met through a Christian singles group, which has since disbanded. When I initiallly joined my original Presbyterian Church, I was going through a divorce. For the next nine years I was single, and not always loving it, although I can see some clear advantages to being single. For one thing it allows you to get involved in ministries of various sorts wtihout having to worry about a wife / husband or family.

If I were to become single again for whatever reason, it wouldn’t worry me much to stay that way, unless God made it pretty clear that a particular person was His will. Recently I was talking to a non-Catholic Christian friend who lost his first wife to cancer. God brought a woman to him over a period of time, and his first reaction was “Lord, just butt out, will you? You don’t know what you’re talking about!” But God wouldn’t let him off the hook. He’s now remarried, but he wasn’t unhappy as a single widower either.

There are a couple of things here - first the average church is a rather limited playing field. Second if your serious about your faith, you should be looking for another Catholic or Christian partner at least. It’s not much use looking for Mr. Goodbar.

My old pastor once commented to me that he knew of several very successful marriages as a result of advertising in the newspaper. After all if someone is advertising, then they’re probably as serious about a committed relationship as you are. Just make sure they’re also as serious about their faith.

So, if all else fails, and you don’t want to be single, then why not consider starting a Catholic singles group in your diocese or city if there isn’t one already. Or advertise.

On the other hand if being single doesn’t bother you, then use your lack of family commitments as the freedom to get involved in some particular ministry.

I can relate to the implied feeling of inadequacy when single. During my tenure at the Presbyterian Church, I had the experience of seeing several of the young people I hung around with getting married, sometimes to other parishioners, or otherwise to people from a wider Christian background. It can be very frustrating. But there are ways around it.

 

[CountrySinger]

Thankyou for posting. It has really been an eye opener into the life of single people. I would never have known that a single person would be experiencing this kind of pain. The single people that I do know seem very happy in their state . I would have imagined that staying close to Our Lord would be more consoling . Sometimes we all get a little uncomfortable in our surroundings and maybe all you needed was a change of location. May God give you comfort and may you feel yourself loved beyond imagining.

This is just my opinion, but God isn’t very consoling. I can’t see or hear Him like i can see or hear my boyfriend. I can’t call God up and hear Him talk. Or kiss and hug Him. Sometimes people need physical proof of something.

 

[kib]

This is just my opinion, but God isn’t very consoling. I can’t see or hear Him like i can see or hear my boyfriend. I can’t call God up and hear Him talk. Or kiss and hug Him. Sometimes people need physical proof of something.

You should try to work on your relationship with the Lord if He isn’t very consoling. No man could ever love you the way our Lord does.

 

[CountrySinger]

You should try to work on your relationship with the Lord if He isn’t very consoling. No man could ever love you the way our Lord does.

My relationship with Him is just fine. I view Him as a father who just rolls His eyes at what I do. Or slapping His forehead. Or yelling “What in the world is she thinking?!” Not very loving, but I’m not used to men being loving at all.

He is a booming voice from Heaven, but not someone I can relate to or go to with problems. Maybe that is why I’m VERY uncomfortable at Mass, I feel like I’m going to get the “bum rush” and be asked to leave.

 

[EasterJoy]

My relationship with Him is just fine. I view Him as a father who just rolls His eyes at what I do. Or slapping His forehead. Or yelling “What in the world is she thinking?!” Not very loving, but I’m not used to men being loving at all.

He is a booming voice from Heaven, but not someone I can relate to or go to with problems. Maybe that is why I’m VERY uncomfortable at Mass, I feel like I’m going to get the “bum rush” and be asked to leave.

Sorry, but I think you’ve got God mixed up with someone else.

Do you really think you’ve done anything whatsoever that God did not anticipate you would do? Do you think you’re some sort of surprising disappointment? Ah, contraire. He knows us all, and He has our failings in His calculus. That is what the business with the Incarnation and Cross were all about, after all!

There is a huge difference between God and men, not to mention between the masculine and the merely male. There is quite a bit of projection in your view of God that is not borne out on reading Jesus’ take on the Father. Read the story of the Prodigal Son. It is the brother who “has it together” who rejects the returning prodigal. The Father, in contrast, sees his wayward son from far off. He’s been watching in anticipation of his return. Does he say, “What were you thinking?” No…and keep in mind, this is a kid who basically said, in that social context: “Give me your stuff, Dad, I’m tired of waiting around for you to die.” Yet when this son returns and admits his foolishness and infidelity, the Father says, “Get him a robe! Kill the fatted calf! My son, who was dead, has come back to life!!” This is what Jesus had to teach about what God is really like. Are you willing to take Jesus’ word for it, and give God another chance?

Jesus refers to the Holy Spirit as the Paraclete–that means “the Advocate”. That is, God is like a defense attorney to the evil one’s role as prosecuting attorney. God is on your side!

If you approach God and hear accusation, rather than a joyful invitation to return to grace, then someone or some spirit is trying to palm off a false god on you. Don’t buy it.

Read the Gospels, and learn what God is really like. It is our sin that enslaves us, and the devil that accuses us. God is not like that.

 

[Sierrah]

I know how you feel. I used to run out of Mass in tears because the family-oriented life was too painful to have rubbed in my face. So I stopped going for several months, and I was so much happier. I’m going now, but I remember Mass just caused too much pain and heartbreak.

That was me a few weeks ago. Part of it is on ongoing depression I’ve always had that mass just seemed to be underlining everything I was missing.

And the only way to find acceptance is to have a boyfriend. I’ve found my parish life to be so much better since I said I had a boyfriend. It’s been like night and day. People are now nice to me. It is like they know how to categorize me. One woman even said “well, we know you are able to attract a man then.”

I find this troubling…why should a partner make singles more acceptable?? I know it seems to be true but why does everyone push to match you up? I don’t feel it’s necessary to have a life partner for complete happiness but from a child I felt called to be a wife and mom and it’s the part of me that felt that calling which is what is is giving me all the trouble…maybe it’s just a woman thing. I often wonder if the guys ever miss being fathers? Most of the time I hear about guys running off.

It is sad really, because I personally haven’t changed, but my parish is shallow and money grubbing anyway (welcome to Seattle!).

Maybe you need to find a new parish. I go to 3-4 churches and they all pretty much ignore me but I can’t say they are money grubbing.

 

[Sierrah]

While I’d love to meet a good Catholic chap at mass, my primary reason for going there is not to socialise with the opposite sex.

I don’t feel alienated at Mass because I’m not there to “mingle” with others, and while I’m more than happy to be social with people who are polite towards me, I don’t think it matters to them much either that I’m there alone. I mean, I attend a Parish and I was there for 5 - 6 months before someone said something to me, and it was along the lines of “are you new here?” >_<

I think Mass is not the time to socalise with those there, there are plenty of after mass and social functions the parish puts on, whether directed at singles is kind of moot given you could puruse the crowd at a morning tea and just start introducing yourself.

You get out what you put in. Mass isn’t a singles’ bar.

Though, I do agree that there aren’t enough resources for single Catholics being offered by churches. Of course, the homilies down here tend to be about the environment and helping our fellows and other non-relationship/sexual things.

I don’t look at church as a social venue to meet dates…that would be kind of strange unless it was someone I’ve seen from church and had a friendly bit of chit chat with once in awhile or was in a church social group.

The only church social groups are all geared to married couples, families, divorcee’s or elderly…none of which I have anything in common with. All volunteer stuff is for the school and is usually well staffed by parents of the schools students who are either married or divorced and again having no children or never having been married they would think me strange for volunteering in the first place .

 

[Sierrah]

God does not hold a rule book over your head, He expects you to be a saint. There is absolutely no point in calling yourself Catholic if you don’t believe every single thing the Catholic Church teaches to be 100% true. If the Catholic Church is wrong on any single doctrine then it is most assuredly not the church created by our savior, Jesus Christ.

Maybe he does expect a saint but I’m far from matching that in any case I’m at peace with myself. I was raised a little different then you I suspect…in a multi faith family so my idea of Catholic might be a little different then yours but as long as my conscience is ok I’m happy. God will judge me himself. I do that best I can if he wants better he’ll have to lighten my load a bit but has chosen instead to increase it (too long to explain) so for now I’m resigned to what is.

 

[kib]

My relationship with Him is just fine. I view Him as a father who just rolls His eyes at what I do. Or slapping His forehead. Or yelling “What in the world is she thinking?!” Not very loving, but I’m not used to men being loving at all.

He is a booming voice from Heaven, but not someone I can relate to or go to with problems. Maybe that is why I’m VERY uncomfortable at Mass, I feel like I’m going to get the “bum rush” and be asked to leave.

The greatest saints are those who realized that their relationship with Him is never “fine.” He expects no less than all of us. I think we can all relate to Him, he was a man! He endured temptation, was hungry, tired… fill in the blank. He knows you better than you know yourself, all we have to do is surrender. I know it’s difficult, I personally have a very hard time with surrender- but it’s what our Blessed Lord expects of us. The Lord would never ask you to leave! He literally wants His body to become part of your body on a cellular level! Holy cow, that is so amazing! He WANTS you there to love and praise Him, to receive His body, blood, soul and divinity in the Eucharist. PRAISE GOD!

One thing I think we all have trouble with is separating the actions of Christians from Christ himself. Every person you will ever have a relationship with will let you down at some point, Christ will NEVER let you down or abandon you. We often feel like He does but that is because we are flawed and our hearts are clouded by sin. Complete surrender- becoming a saint, is what He requires of us. I don’t care about being canonized or something, but I WILL be a saint. I love the Lord so much, I have such a strong desire to be with Him, to be holy! I guess I’m rambling but I really just want to communicate to you what I feel in my heart… The Lord has been so good to me, His grace is so powerful. I just hope something I have said has an impact on you, Country Singer. May God bless you today. May he open your scarred heart and pour His unending grace into you. May he bless you with a holy and loving relationship with a good and holy man. I pray that our most blessed Lord, Jesus Christ will transform you and show you what is possible through His grace. God bless you, you are a beautiful woman of God and you deserve the happiness and sanctity that only He can give you.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Sierrah,

Praying you won’t settle for the if…then I’m happy or make demands on God – we all have heavy loads but acceptance and surrender are the key. It isn’t popular and oftentimes it certainly isn’t comfortable, but really, look at Jesus on the Cross and ask yourself how happy or comfortable He was at that moment…all He had to cling to was the purpose behind it all…

I’m saying this in love, and I struggle with acceptance myself, so I’m not trying to be on my high horse. My home was foreclosed last week and I have a lot on my plate too. But we have to die to self, like the grain of wheat, in order to bear spiritual fruit, and we can’t demand to have Easter Sunday without Good Friday.

I sense you have some anger with God – can you talk to Him about it and then listen to what He might be trying to tell you? Can a priest help you get the dialogue started?

 

[kib]

Maybe he does expect a saint but I’m far from matching that in any case I’m at peace with myself. I was raised a little different then you I suspect…in a multi faith family so my idea of Catholic might be a little different then yours but as long as my conscience is ok I’m happy. God will judge me himself. I do that best I can if he wants better he’ll have to lighten my load a bit but has chosen instead to increase it (too long to explain) so for now I’m resigned to what is.

The thing is, we can NEVER be at peace with ourselves (read as our sinful nature)! If we love the Lord we have to pick up our crosses daily and strive to love and serve our beautiful Lord. The Lord gives us so much peace, I agree, but the devil loves to give us feelings of peace as well. I was raised in a family of practicing Catholics, but I did lose my faith completely for about a year and a half. That probably doesn’t mean much to you but it has certainly colored my thinking- especially my view of truth. Truth is not subjective- relativism is a freaking disease that is rotting this world away from the inside out. Our “feelings” are NOT the ultimate arbiter of right and wrong- the devil himself wants you to think that! If I still lived my life according to what feels right, everything I did would fly in the face of our blessed Lord. The thing is, if you don’t worship our Lord and give Him praise daily, through prayer and your daily actions, you definitely aren’t doing the best you can. That’s not to say that I am even remotely perfect- of course I fail Him, I fail Him every single day! But I will prevail! It is His only desire for me!

“if he wants better he’ll have to lighten my load a bit”

This is very dangerous thinking, straight from the devil himself in my opinion. The Lord doesn’t promise anyone a light load- He promises each of us a cross! He died for YOU, how can anyone expect a light load? As impossible as it seems, we need to serve Him joyfully, despite our crosses! I’m not saying that I do this very well… I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have been struggling with these crosses over the pat several days in particular. Of course it is difficult, it has lead me to sin which has in turn caused me to become even more depressed. The thing is… He is totally worth it. I will not give up heaven for comfort, for mental masturbation (I’m not referencing sexual thoughts here). I will joyfully serve Him, deal with my crosses, deal with loneliness (I’m sure all of us singles can relate) and I WILL come out a saint. Don’t resign yourself, Sierrah. God loves you too much, He desires you and your love too much. May God give you special graces today. May he soften your heart and fill it with love for yourself, for Him, and for others. May he bless you with a special desire to be with Him at the most holy sacrifice of the mass, may you feel His presence intimately in the gift of the Eucharist.

Finally, here is a link you may enjoy reading on moral relativism. I don’t know if it will help, but if there is a God, he deserves all of us. Especially for an hour every Sunday. Why would we skip a single chance to receive the Eucharist? God bless you, Sierrah.

Peter Kreeft- A Refutation of Moral Relativism

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe he does expect a saint but I’m far from matching that in any case I’m at peace with myself. I was raised a little different then you I suspect…in a multi faith family so my idea of Catholic might be a little different then yours but as long as my conscience is ok I’m happy. God will judge me himself. I do that best I can if he wants better he’ll have to lighten my load a bit but has chosen instead to increase it (too long to explain) so for now I’m resigned to what is.

I think we’re trying to say that stressful situations can take us out of those very things that will keep our health up in the long run: exercise, good nutrition…and prayer and the sacraments. In the short term, it seems to take the load off, but in the long term it makes us less well-able to deal with what life dishes up.

People are different, but the vast majority have substantially similar needs. What differs is how those needs are best met. If, for example, you were constantly getting injuries from your exercise program, and got relief when you didn’t exercise, the answer might be that this form of exercise isn’t for you, but it would not be that exercise isn’t for you. The answer would be that something in your training program needs serious adjustment. Your program of prayer would seem to need that.

If your participation in the life of the Church is only an obligation and a duty–let alone a stress that you take on for the sake of serving God!–and not a source of consolationa and nourishment, that is a red flag in itself. Your time spent each week with the Body of Christ is meant to be mutually beneficial. If it isn’t, just waiting for your stress level to drop isn’t the answer. The reason that going to Mass isn’t a capstone in your support system, rather than part of the load, is something that bears looking into. It isn’t supposed to be like that.

If the roof leaks in this storm, don’t just wait for the rain to stop. Recognize that the roof is not providing you the shelter it is meant to, and get it fixed, before the Big Storm hits.

Yes, sometimes you are not going to feel like going to Mass, just as we don’t always feel like doing our workouts. Perseverence is required. Nevertheless, a pattern of poor results indicates that the program needs adjustment. A parish in which single people feel excluded and treated as if they were invisible or as second-class citizens is not the norm of Catholic life! You may well have that, but that is not the norm. Seriously look into that, either by organizing something for singles, so others like you can find a happy quorum in your parish, or by changing parishes, but do not start thinking that Mass is an option, rather than the irreplaceable answer to a constant spiritual need. That’s all I think we’re saying.

 

[CountrySinger]

I don’t know if it will help, but if there is a God, he deserves all of us. Especially for an hour every Sunday. Why would we skip a single chance to receive the Eucharist?

This is off topic, but where are y’all at that Mass is only an hour? My Mass is AT LEAST close to two hours (more like 2 and a half hours). Grr. It takes me 3 hours to get to and from Mass (yay for buses on Sunday which run once every hour, even a church in town requires at least 2 transfers), so I spend 5 hours on Sunday with Church stuff, where I feel very uncomfortable (when I should be enjoying my day away from angry customers).