Bettina Arndt on sex starved husbands

[stinkcat_14]

What? No. Sometimes it is men, sometimes women. There certainly is no shortage of female narcissists out there:

“…When a gaslighter thinks that they are not the problem and everyone else is, this is called having an ego-syntonic personality. It can be very difficult to get ego-syntonic gaslighters into treatment; they believe nothing is wrong with them. A gaslighting spouse or partner may either refuse to go to therapy, or if they do attend with you, they may tell the therapist that you are the problem. If the therapist recommends that the gaslighter changes a behavior, the gaslighter will label the therapist as incompetent. Even in therapy, a gaslighter may not truly be aware of, or may refuse to acknowledge that their behavior is the problem…”
psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/are-gaslighters-aware-what-they-do

There is no “normally.” There is the relationship you are in. Even if women were only 0.1% of gaslighters, but you married one, then you would have a 100% gaslighter on your hands.

I am not one who sees discrimination around every corner, but I am amazed at the bias against men in this thread. The reason the details of my friend came out was because posters on this thread just couldn’t fathom that a husband might have a legitimate complaint about his wife.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

For example, if the husband asks to the wife to work on fixing their sex life and the wife says that she has no problems, it is all the husband’s problem. Also, when the husband brings up something that was said before, and the wife denies saying it. Or when the wife trashes people who threaten the wife’s delicate ego. For example, my friend went to see a counselor about their problem, the wife trashed the counselor, said he was filling his head with garbage, etc.

Other forms of abuse: throwing things, breaking things, punching him.

1). Why don’t you start a thread and drop the friend analogy. From your previous posts we know it’s you.
2. Why do you have such a low opinion of her? And why share that with others. Marriages have issues. I don’t badmouth my spouse to strangers on the internet.

And the most important.
3. What could you do to be someone she wants to have sex with?
4. Given what you describe how is it you are sexually attracted to her?

1. Sometimes it’s gaslighting. Sometimes it’s truth.

 

[Xantippe]

For example, if the husband asks to the wife to work on fixing their sex life and the wife says that she has no problems, it is all the husband’s problem. Also, when the husband brings up something that was said before, and the wife denies saying it. Or when the wife trashes people who threaten the wife’s delicate ego. For example, my friend went to see a counselor about their problem, the wife trashed the counselor, said he was filling his head with garbage, etc.

Other forms of abuse: throwing things, breaking things, punching him.

OK–it does sound like your friend does have a gen-u-wine gaslighter.

The last sentence is abuse, as you said. (But you took a heck of a time mentioning that.)

Your friend’s therapist is not very bright if he thinks that an affair is the perfect way to deal with the stuff you’ve just mentioned. (BEL might know more about this, but I believe that to this day there are US states where adultery could be very detrimental to one’s legal position during a divorce.)

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am not one who sees discrimination around every corner, but I am amazed at the bias against men in this thread. The reason the details of my friend came out was because posters on this thread just couldn’t fathom that a husband might have a legitimate complaint about his wife.

Incredible

 

[stinkcat_14]

She is physically violent with him? He should be very concerned about that.

Honestly, on the whole you have not been describing the actions of someone prostrated by a sexual trauma. That’s not to say she’s never been a victim. That is to say that this is not the kind of behavior that kind of crime produces in the victim. This behavior comes from something else.

I agree that there could be a lot more going on there that we don’t know about. It could stem from her background, or her biology.

 

[stinkcat_14]

1). Why don’t you start a thread and drop the friend analogy. From your previous posts we know it’s you.
2. Why do you have such a low opinion of her? And why share that with others. Marriages have issues. I don’t badmouth my spouse to strangers on the internet.

And the most important.
3. What could you do to be someone she wants to have sex with?
4. Given what you describe how is it you are sexually attracted to her?

1. Sometimes it’s gaslighting. Sometimes it’s truth.

Incredible.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am not one who sees discrimination around every corner, but I am amazed at the bias against men in this thread. The reason the details of my friend came out was because posters on this thread just couldn’t fathom that a husband might have a legitimate complaint about his wife.

Do you include me in your bias against men?

 

[Xantippe]

1). Why don’t you start a thread and drop the friend analogy. From your previous posts we know it’s you.
2. Why do you have such a low opinion of her? And why share that with others. Marriages have issues. I don’t badmouth my spouse to strangers on the internet.

And the most important.
3. What could you do to be someone she wants to have sex with?
4. Given what you describe how is it you are sexually attracted to her?

1. Sometimes it’s gaslighting. Sometimes it’s truth.

Yes.

Stinkcat, it would save a lot of trouble if you posted as yourself, rather than using the “friend” fig leaf.

From your old posts, you’ve been married 18+ years and your wife has denied being abused (but you’re very sure of it). Some of what you have described is unacceptable (physical violence and rudeness), but have there been better times? If there have been better times in the past, it’s possible that there could be better times again. 18+ years is a long time. I noticed that you sounded a lot less hopeless in previous threads.

I’ve been married roughly the same amount of time as you and your wife, and I have done some Bad Things. Likewise, Jancee Dunn, the author of How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, did some pretty terrible stuff (like using non-CAF language to yell at her husband in front of their small daughter). The last few years, I have been working on my temper, and a lot of Jancee Dunn’s book is about fixing hers. So, I believe very strongly that if it’s just a question of temper without underlying mental health issues, that temper is fixable. (And I’m talking decades of bad verbal habits in my case with some **really **bad family of origin examples.)

However, that’s the question in your wife’s case–is it fixable or are the underlying issues so serious that you can’t live under the same with her?

Best wishes!

 

[EasterJoy]

1). Why don’t you start a thread and drop the friend analogy. From your previous posts we know it’s you.
2. Why do you have such a low opinion of her? And why share that with others. Marriages have issues. I don’t badmouth my spouse to strangers on the internet.

And the most important.
3. What could you do to be someone she wants to have sex with?
4. Given what you describe how is it you are sexually attracted to her?

1. Sometimes it’s gaslighting. Sometimes it’s truth.

Whoa. Why on earth would you assume that a man whose wife doesn’t want to have sex with him most be responsible because she doesn’t want to have sex with him? Why would you doubt that a spouse would still want marital relations in spite of abuse?

Good grief, if you said that to a wife who was being denied sex and told she’s not attractive any more or should no longer want sex because the husband has some kind of PTSD and doesn’t want to get his sex drive back, you’d be eaten alive.

I can’t know what the real situation is, but a normal spouse looks back on their wedding day and wants a marriage that includes sex. That is normal. If that cannot happen, grief is normal. A feeling of being at fault or not good enough is normal. It happens to men, too, not just women. Husbands want more from their sex life than consent for a “bonk,” too.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Whoa. Why on earth would you assume that a man whose wife doesn’t want to have sex with him most be responsible because she doesn’t want to have sex with him? Why would you doubt that a spouse would still want marital relations in spite of abuse?

Good grief, if you said that to a wife who was being denied sex and told she’s not attractive any more or should no longer want sex because the husband has some kind of PTSD and doesn’t want to get his sex drive back, you’d be eaten alive.

I can’t know what the real situation is, but a normal spouse looks back on their wedding day and wants a marriage that includes sex. That is normal. If that cannot happen, grief is normal. A feeling of being at fault or not good enough is normal. It happens to men, too, not just women. Husbands want more from their sex life than consent for a “bonk,” too.

I’m surprised you don’t recognize these threads.

Are you familiar with red pill?

 

[Allegra]

Men are not gaslighted, they are the gaslighters. Normally.

Can you give an example of the gaslighting?

Oh, that’s not true. I’ve endured attempts at gaslighting from women that I wasn’t even related to! If women can gaslight one another, surely they can gaslight their spouses too.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Oh, that’s not true. I’ve endured attempts at gaslighting from women that I wasn’t even related to! If women can gaslight one another, surely they can gaslight their spouses too.

I think women can be expert gaslighters.

I also said normally in my post. And I stand by it. The gaslighter is concerned with dominance and power over another which is mostly ( not always) a male trait.
And men tend to be more assertive. Once a man identifies a gaslight, they tend to call it. Does the opposite exist, sure. So do stay at home homeschooling dads with six kids, and white buffaloes.

 

[Allegra]

I think women can be expert gaslighters.

I also said normally in my post. And I stand by it. The gaslighter is concerned with dominance and power over another which is mostly ( not always) a male trait.
And men tend to be more assertive. Once a man identifies a gaslight, they tend to call it. Does the opposite exist, sure. So do stay at home homeschooling dads with six kids, and white buffaloes.

You don’t think women seek to dominate others? They do it all the time, and they use primarily emotionally and psychologically based tactics like gaslighting. In fact, I bet women invented gaslighting! They especially love to do this to other women. I definitely disagree that women don’t gaslight, but it might be that men are less likely to put up with it than other women. I think that might be changing though.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

You don’t think women seek to dominate others? They do it all the time, and they use primarily emotionally and psychologically based tactics like gaslighting. In fact, I bet women invented gaslighting! They especially love to do this to other women. I definitely disagree that women don’t gaslight, but it might be that men are less likely to put up with it than other women. I think that might be changing though.

I think you are misunderstanding me.

 

[stinkcat_14]

I’m surprised you don’t recognize these threads.

Are you familiar with red pill?

I am not familiar with red pill. Please explain.

 

[stinkcat_14]

Yes.

Stinkcat, it would save a lot of trouble if you posted as yourself, rather than using the “friend” fig leaf.

From your old posts, you’ve been married 18+ years and your wife has denied being abused (but you’re very sure of it). Some of what you have described is unacceptable (physical violence and rudeness), but have there been better times? If there have been better times in the past, it’s possible that there could be better times again. 18+ years is a long time. I noticed that you sounded a lot less hopeless in previous threads.

I’ve been married roughly the same amount of time as you and your wife, and I have done some Bad Things. Likewise, Jancee Dunn, the author of How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, did some pretty terrible stuff (like using non-CAF language to yell at her husband in front of their small daughter). The last few years, I have been working on my temper, and a lot of Jancee Dunn’s book is about fixing hers. So, I believe very strongly that if it’s just a question of temper without underlying mental health issues, that temper is fixable. (And I’m talking decades of bad verbal habits in my case with some **really **bad family of origin examples.)

However, that’s the question in your wife’s case–is it fixable or are the underlying issues so serious that you can’t live under the same with her?

Best wishes!

I think the specific case I brought up has run its usefulness on CAF. I think they only thing a husband in the situation I described can do is talk to a priest. Given that there is abuse, divorce is highly likely to be a legitimate moral option. But that is for the husband to flesh out with the priest.

 

[stinkcat_14]

Whoa. Why on earth would you assume that a man whose wife doesn’t want to have sex with him most be responsible because she doesn’t want to have sex with him? Why would you doubt that a spouse would still want marital relations in spite of abuse?

Good grief, if you said that to a wife who was being denied sex and told she’s not attractive any more or should no longer want sex because the husband has some kind of PTSD and doesn’t want to get his sex drive back, you’d be eaten alive.

I can’t know what the real situation is, but a normal spouse looks back on their wedding day and wants a marriage that includes sex. That is normal. If that cannot happen, grief is normal. A feeling of being at fault or not good enough is normal. It happens to men, too, not just women. Husbands want more from their sex life than consent for a “bonk,” too.

I wonder what the response on these threads would be if a wife posted that her husband hasn’t worked for two years and his response was that he is not going to work now or ever. Would the posters give her the third degree about everything she is doing wrong? Perhaps she just doesn’t inspire him to go to work. Perhaps if she arranged some outings away from the kids she would be inspired to work. Or would there be a recognition that the husband is failing in a critical part of the marriage?

 

[NonTimendum]

In all but three cases( 3, and 5) the man is to blame. In three. The woman is to blame in number 3.

I’ve never seen a better example of the “Listen here, from a REAL man! Women can do no wrong and my hot wife agrees” attitude in my life.

Honestly, every post by you in this thread has been classic. You’re like a Dalrock stereotype so perfect that I’m half convinced this is him sockpuppeting to make a point. Like come on, this cant actually be serious right?

 

[NonTimendum]

Do you include me in your bias against men?

Yes, because your own insecurities lead you to the overwhelming need to be the only REAL man in the room. So every other guy is either a whiner, or a loser, or is just like you (totally rare though, right?) and all women are angels.

You hate men more than the most rabid feminist on earth could ever dream of. As to why… Who knows? History of abuse, inadequacy, trouble in “paradise” or maybe just social conditioning. It’s really sad though. Kinda funny in a morbid way, but really sad.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Yes, because your own insecurities lead you to the overwhelming need to be the only REAL man in the room. So every other guy is either a whiner, or a loser, or is just like you (totally rare though, right?) and all women are angels.

You hate men more than the most rabid feminist on earth could ever dream of. As to why… Who knows? History of abuse, inadequacy, trouble in “paradise” or maybe just social conditioning. It’s really sad though. Kinda funny in a morbid way, but really sad.

Interesting.
I don’t get that at all.
But you can have your own opinion.

Me, the most manly in the room.
I kinda like the sound of that.
Wish it were true. But alas, my house is full of estrogen do in a sense I guess it’s true. As long as I can keep my son interested in soccer and dolls

Am I right? Nudge nudge…