Big family vs. small

[rosejmj]

What have your experiences been as a kid growing up in a family and raising kids? And do you think it’s healthier for kids to have a smaller family with more attention from parents than a bigger family where the oldest kids might have more responsibilities and kids may get less parental attention but have more people to get along with? Psychological does it make a difference usually? Maybe perfect parents could do a great job in both but we aren’t perfect

 

[ewohdrol]

That is a big call!!

There are many, many factors that will determine what is best. Siblings from the same family with similar experiences will have vastly different opinions on what is best. So there is no definite answer.

Character, personality, finances, temperament and many other variables will change an outcome.

Personally I’d love a large family. But I’m an extrovert who thrives on people and experiences. My husband is largely introverted and the thought of a large family is hard on him. I have had problems carrying to term so our family is small but we are happy. I am glad the decision has been made for us to avoid tensions.

 

[Dorothy]

I was the oldest in my family, and had two younger sisters. My mom had five sisters and one brother, and they all lived nearby with their husbands and families. Some of them lived in the same four-family apartment house I lived in. My dad had one brother and nt uncle and aunt had three children - one cousin being a girl my age. Altogether there were twenty grandchildren.

We always had great fun with our cousins roller skating and riding our tricycles when we were younger, and making new friends on the block when we were pre-teens. Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter was a treat time for all to get together in Grandma and Grandpa’s basement in the four-family apartment house. There was a huge table, and a side table as well. It was nice to have shared dinners of roast turkey with stuffing, and Italian food as well. It wasn’t a fancy basement, just cement blocks, but we didn’t even pay attention to that.

We all sat around the table and took our time between talking and eating. There was a backyard for us young ones to play with our wagons and bicycles when we got tired of sitting down.

Everyone had a job to do; many of the children helped set the table. Afterwards it was clean-up time, and dishwashing time. I remember good cameraderie between aunts, uncles and the cousins. One uncle in particular liked to give us young ones brain twisters and pencil and paper games after dessert. He always challenged us to answer the brain twisters.

The men played cards while the ladies washed the dishes and chatted.

When I grew up and got married, we had our own big family - four boys and four girls.

 

[TheLittleLady]

My greatest regret is that I did not give my child the gift my parents gave me, siblings.

 

[rosejmj]

I ask because I heard from a psychologist that a couple cannot raise say 10 kids on their own and so often what happens is too much responsibility is put on the older kids and/or some kids get lost or forgotten and that sometimes it can cause resentment or other issues for people psychologically. I was wondering other perspectives

 

[Swiftdove]

Being raised as an only child by my mom alone, and now being married with 6 children; I am loving it having a big family. Ofcourse I am not one of the children; but they seem to be doing well. They learn from each other; they help each other a lot. They do get into disagreements sometimes. There is a lot of forgiveness and a lot of playfulness. They observe each other’s social lives, daily habits and such. I think it is healthy for them. Our Lord knows what’s best for each couple; each family. And he provides. <3 God bless.

 

[JMMJ]

This depends entirely on the resources of the parents. Time, money, ability to be emotionally close and available to their children, and physical energy. One aspect is no more or less important than the other. If you aren’t able to check all the boxes, then it is wise to limit the number of children you have. It is about fairness to the kids. I have known many big families, and grew up in one, also. Some were happy and healthy. Others weren’t at all. I came to the conclusion some people are cut out for it, and others aren’t. One final thing to mention is if the parents are extroverts and desire a big family, they should remember some of the children they bring into the world may be naturally introverted. Set your family up in a way that it respects this difference. Life is often miserable for someone who is introverted and is forced into the chaos of a large family. And large families are chaotic by their very nature…good chaos is possible, but it is still chaos nonetheless.

 

[Emeraldlady]

I ask because I heard from a psychologist that a couple cannot raise say 10 kids on their own and so often what happens is too much responsibility is put on the older kids and/or some kids get lost or forgotten and that sometimes it can cause resentment or other issues for people psychologically.

There is that. My Aunty had 11 children and those are all problems. Her one regret is that even though she was an out and about mother teaching catechism and religion at the local school and being really involved in Church life, none of her children has stayed the course in their Catholic practice. She laments it especially since her sister, my mother, only had 4 children and we’ve all managed to stay the course. If you have a large family, it’s imperative that you be committed to the faith education of each child equally and personally.

 

[Welshrabbit]

I have two children. I wish I had more.

 

[cmscms]

I ask because I heard from a psychologist that a couple cannot raise say 10 kids on their own and so often what happens is too much responsibility is put on the older kids and/or some kids get lost or forgotten and that sometimes it can cause resentment or other issues for people psychologically. I was wondering other perspectives

ALthough that is a common reality in big families, it is also a VERY secular argument. When one follows God’s will, they find HIs peace. And the truth is, it doesn’t matter what kind of family a kid grows up in, every one has 2 choices

a-) Spend your adult years resenting your childhood or
b-) be grateful for what you had and learn from what you didn’t

 

[Jen7]

This depends entirely on the resources of the parents. Time, money, ability to be emotionally close and available to their children, and physical energy. One aspect is no more or less important than the other. If you aren’t able to check all the boxes, then it is wise to limit the number of children you have. It is about fairness to the kids. I have known many big families, and grew up in one, also. Some were happy and healthy. Others weren’t at all. I came to the conclusion some people are cut out for it, and others aren’t. One final thing to mention is if the parents are extroverts and desire a big family, they should remember some of the children they bring into the world may be naturally introverted. Set your family up in a way that it respects this difference. Life is often miserable for someone who is introverted and is forced into the chaos of a large family. And large families are chaotic by their very nature…good chaos is possible, but it is still chaos nonetheless.

I think this is REALLY wise. My husband and I both come from small families (which did not necessarily mean more attention from parents, I might add! A limited size can give parents more time for their kids… or for anything else they choose to focus on.)

Anyway, we in turn are raising a big family. We are a mix of introverts and extroverts. A commitment to honoring each kids’ “style” has been huge in our family. Obviously everyone is stretched out of their comfort zone at times. We try very hard to make sure each child feels their personality is being appreciated, though. No one is allowed to interrupt the introverts when they’re having quiet time & the introverts can’t endlessly shush the extroverts - as one example. Everyone contributes as best fits their age & personality… but helping out is not optional. I absolutely think large families can love and care for all their kids! It may help that my husband and I are both former teachers. We definitely cared for all our students individually! And we had waaaaaay more students in each classroom than we’ll ever have kids in our home!

 

[DeniseNY]

I think this can be true. My father was one of 15 (3 did not survive infancy). He’s the third youngest and he’s commented on kind of getting list in the shuffle sometimes. On The other hand, my mom was an only child so she had a completely different experience and really wished she had siblings.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

In general, my observation is that kids from large families are more socially adept than children from small families.

Of course, there are exceptions.

That being said, family size is not a numbers game. When you invite a child into your family, you have taken responsibility for whoever you get. Along with all their flaws. At whatever time these flaws manifest.

Your children are not tally marks on a chalkboard. They are people.

 

[Le_Cracquere]

It’s tough to say because whatever sort of family you grow up in will tend to feel like the most natural configuration. I’m the elder of two children; I never wished I’d had more siblings and (except when little brother was being a pain) never wished I’d been an only child either.

So from a Catholic perspective, I guess I’d finally say: take what God bestows and don’t look back! Whether they’re only children, pairs, trios, or upwards, kids generally bloom where they’re planted. Don’t let your misgivings on that subject determine what’s best for them.

 

[ASC]

I’m the second-oldest of a big family. Yeah, it’s a lot of responsibility, but it’s given to you so gradually that you’re forced to rise and meet it, and it makes you a better person. I think that having a lot of siblings is an incredible gift for all the children in the family.

 

[Lea101]

I grew up in a medium sized family. Ish.

I think large families are often fun, but i am hesitant to have a big family one day because of the attention issue as well. My parents tried, but they sucked at paying attention to me specifically because they had a bunch of things to look after. I was engaging in really harmful behaviour since I was a kid and they didn’t notice.

I usually doubt parents when they say they don’t have this issue, because the kids (usually the middle kids, and sometimes the oldest because they’re the ones raising everyone up) tell me otherwise.

There are definitely other factors to look at such as the child’s temperament, parents’ salary and so on. I would not generalise and say large families are always bad.

It’s the same logic behind teacher-child ratios in school. Although I’m sure most families don’t have to worry about having more then ten.

So yea, large families are fun although my ideal would be a large extended family rather than me giving birth to 8 kids. I don’t even think my narrow hips allow me to birth even one!

 

[Divine3]

Just follow what the Church teaches and what God asked from the beginning…"Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; …Genesis 26:28

 

[PetraG]

I think it is important for children to feel they are welcomed and no burden, and that their parents would have welcomed even more, even though it requires sacrifices. Some familes get fewer children than others and some couples do not get any children at all.

My parents tried, but they sucked at paying attention to me specifically because they had a bunch of things to look after. I was engaging in really harmful behaviour since I was a kid and they didn’t notice.

I think it is easier to accept being ignored or misunderstood by your parents because they had so many children to notice or they were spread thin by the destraction of duties given to them by God. When children feel they were ignored because their parents were taken up with worldly distractions, I think it is harder for children to accept.

It is important for parents of a big family to take one-on-one time and to express the wish that they had more time for that. Children don’t need unlimited time, but they do profit from knowing that their parents feel that time with them is precious and well-spent, and not something parents do because they are trying to meet the “requirements” of “best parenting.”

 

[Anicette]

This psychologist has probably no first hand experience!

Until around 50 or 60 years ago, it was common to see western families with 7, 8, 9 or 10 children. Theses children were raised and become normal adults of the baby boomer generations.

My mother come from a family like that. All the siblings grow to become responsible adults. The younger one never go out of the family because of lack of work perspective but care for his mother until her death.

One of the big differences is the children of big families have less materials goods and more space than the children of smaller families.

Yes, of course, in big families, the mothers cannot have enough time to do all around the house and to care for the children. The children have divided time. And all the things can continued only because the mother has extra help. The psychologist is right. The olders kids help with the smallers. Sometimes professionals help too. But what else? Why it is wrong?
Currently the majority of mothers work outside the home, so they have much more help than theses housewifes with a lot of children. The children stays numerous hours in day care.

pope pie XII saw the olders giels help with the little one as a very positive thing:
“The hopes soon become a reality when the eldest daughter begins to help her mother take care of the baby and on the day the oldest son comes home with his face beaming with the first salary he has earned himself. That day will be a particularly happy one for parents, for it will make the spectre of an old age spent in misery disappear, and they will feel assured of a reward for their sacrifices”

adress to the large families, 1958
http://www.cmri.org/07-largefamily.html

 

[Sarcelle]

Siblings from the same family with similar experiences will have vastly different opinions on what is best.

Older siblings will have more responsibility than younger ones.

A lot of times, in larger families, older siblings have to help raise their younger siblings, leaving not much time for a childhood.

This is especially true if both parents have to work.

In other parts of the world, large nuclear families also have the support of the extended family, so mom and dad have help with raising their children. I myself grew up with lots of cousins and consider them as close to me as my actual siblings.