Big family vs. small

[TheLittleLady]

I ask because I heard from a psychologist that a couple cannot raise say 10 kids on their own

That is contrary to the way God designed society. His design is that we live in community, not two adults in isolation with only 10 kids.

 

[JMMJ]

Terrible book, terrible concept. Additionally, “neither can really understand what it is they’re trying to learn while they’re learning it.” Is complete nonsense and foolishness.

 

[PetraG]

Terrible book, terrible concept. Additionally, “neither can really understand what it is they’re trying to learn while they’re learning it.” Is complete nonsense and foolishness.

I think they’re trying to avoid the common mistake of trying to socialize and educate small children as if they were little adults. They aren’t. Children will fail to learn if they are treated as if they are adults.

They also aren’t dogs, horses or chimpanzees. They’re children, children who aren’t adults now but who probably will remember when they become adults what you, their parents, did to them and said to them and expected of them when they were small and uncomprehending! They will put it together some day, even if they can’t do so now. Parents should never forget that the things they say will be remembered by their children in adulthood.

[From what I understand, it is a truly awful and even a dangerous book, but I haven’t read it. I don’t know how much of what is in the book is totally misused. I certainly wouldn’t want the Bible judged based on what horrendous things unguided amateurs have decided the Bible was telling them to do, I know that!]

 

[blackforest]

The younger siblings know this and often times show defiance and misbehave anyway. Guess who gets punished for their misbehavior? If you guessed the older children, you guessed right.

I reached a point in my Catholic homeschool group when I had to quit going to the gatherings because I was getting triggered by a particular dad. He’d bring along his large, Catholic brood that included a little toddler.

Like all normal tots, this one wanted to run around, climb on things, get into things, etc. and required a lot of vigilance. But Dad put that burden entirely on his fourteen-year-old daughter - the oldest of course - while he sat on his rear yacking with other dads. He’d shout at her across the room: “MARY!!! Where’s Dominic?? Your brother is YOUR responsibility!”

Um, no, dude. He’s YOUR responsibility. Let’s man up and be a dad.
An unhealthy dynamic like this can develop in more patriarchal families. There’s also a strong chance that “Mary” won’t want children when she’s older.

 

[PetraG]

Here are a couple of things I don’t like to hear parents say when they have big families:

1. When they refer to the child by number. As in “#4 is getting old enough to help with chores, now.”

When you’re from a very large family, you get used to getting called by the wrong name by your parents, sometimes. I don’t know many parents who have never made that mistake. My mom used to go down the line of names until she got to the right one. This may seem like an unforgiveable sin, but when your mom is very hard working and harried and obviously knows exactly who you are most of the time, she gets a pass. (Besides, sometimes you’d just as soon she would get you mixed up with a sibling, ha ha…)

There’s also a strong chance that “Mary” won’t want children when she’s older.

I know a religious sister who literally said she chose the convent because she liked being in a big community but had no intention of having a lot of children. Teaching other people’s children was fine, but she did not want the responsibility she had learned to hate as one of the oldest in her family. (She made a good religious sister, though, and boy, none of her students could get anything past her as a teacher!!)

 

[IdaCatholic]

What a bad psychologist! Putting a number on something like that is hogwash. I have 7 that are easier to parent than my sisters 2. We could have three more kids and not miss a beat. On the other hand I know a family with 4 and two of them are special needs and they are stretched so thin. Saying one is better than another only serves to severely hurt others who have different sized families.

 

[blackforest]

she did not want the responsibility she had learned to hate as one of the oldest in her family.

Becoming a nun would be the best possible outcome. Getting turned off from and leaving Catholicism - mistakenly thinking that this is what we’re all about - would be the worst.

 

[MamaJewel]

Psychological does it make a difference usually?

As a mother of 8, I can unequivocally say that small or large family, it doesn’t matter with the children so much, as it does with the parents. The parents are the ones giving protection, attention, love, and nurturing to their children and hopefully each parent understands his/her capabilities and limits within the family’s size. It is the parent’s job to make the child feel loved. Parents have to use respect, correct actions, reactions, and limits based on their child’s temperament and needs.

I discovered that a mom with only 2 kids might fail to meet both of her children’s love languages on any given day, while a mom of 8 might hit the love language targets with half of her children. If we defined success by those numbers, a mom of many would statistically be batting better than the mom of 2.

I worked diligently to show my each child that I love(d) him or her in the way he or she recognizes being loved (my child’s love language). In doing so, I realized that what works for one child doesn’t necessarily work for another. The hugs (touch) that one child craves as a sign of being loved, might totally aggravate another child who needs gifts to feel loved. Some kids are snuggle bunnies while others are (were Toys r Us) kids.

For some kids, affirmations and praise might feel like mom is “blowing sunshine” when that child perceives love to be time spent with him or her (ie. cuddling, gaming, crafting, even shopping if it’s gifts and time a child needs)

And “spending time” with a child whose love language is affirmations and gifts can easily make that child feel like mom is being demanding with her presence. I had a child who didn’t want to sit on my lap while I read to her. This child was a young reader who rejected touch and time as her love forte. She was an introvert and preferred doing things on her own. Her actions and reactions made it quite clear that she was “loved and cherished” when mom and dad provided a variety of books and art material for her to conquer on her own. She was most loved when she could present her accomplishments of reading a whole book by herself or creating a work of art on her own. The expectation was that mom and dad offer praise and affirmation, followed by a gift (pick a trinket from the treasure box or select the next book to pick out from the library or used bookstore).

So it isn’t about family size per se, but about the parents’ ability to know what they must do for each child that lets the child know he/she/they are loved and cherished per the child’s perspective.

 

[MamaJewel]

I ask because I heard from a psychologist that a couple cannot raise say 10 kids on their own

Hmm. In secular society, most people can’t seem to bring up 2 or 3 children on their own without outside help, so I would challenge psychologists on this. In addition, too many young adults have an unrealistic view of children because they themselves were not around older or younger kids due to insular, secular lifestyles.

Most younger Millenials and older GenZ had working parents who utilized daycare, after-school programs, and extra-curricular activities to help them raise their children. Also, births to single mothers and having divorced parents were common inn these demographics. Having 10 children in such circumstances definitely requires outside help (daycare, grandparents, friends, Godparents, school programs, extra-curriculars, etc)

It was much easier for me when I had 7 children, ages birth to 16, growing up in an intact family than it was to 4 have four children, ages 2 to 13 years old, running between mom’s house and dad’s house.

What created resentment in my children in their teen years was 1) people who professed Christ and then treated others badly, 2) a church that didn’t practice what it preached and thus appeared to discriminate against others, 3) intrusion on the family’s values (their parents were judged negatively for having so many children, other unmarried adults could breed an indiscriminate amount of children among various partners and that was ok, as long as all of the children weren’t “together”) and 4) married couples with 2 or 3 kids would make negative remarks about the number of children when my ex and I paid our way for our family and didn’t take the society perks that these couples took for their families.

So I would argue that being discriminated against for having any family size is probably a deciding factor when healthy, well-adjusted parents face obstacles to bringing up baby on their own (within a family unit).

Daddy bonus, mommy penalty.

 

[JimG]

When you’re from a very large family, you get used to getting called by the wrong name by your parents, sometimes.

My mother did that sometimes, naming the next oldest instead of the one she was talking to. The kids answered anyway because they knew she was talking to them. Except for the youngest, who steadfastly refused to respond until she got to the right name.

I was the second of five, and sort of enjoyed watching over the younger ones. I was pretty good at babysitting; I just let them wander around and do what they wanted but had to follow them around and keep them always in sight so they would not get into trouble.

 

[Sarcelle]

When you’re from a very large family, you get used to getting called by the wrong name by your parents, sometimes.

I attended Bible class at my parish and my teacher told me that she is an only child but her parents still call her by the wrong name.

They call her by her cousin’s name.

 

[cmscms]

I am a women, and had a teacher call me by my brother’s name. Now that was humiliating

 

[Pattylt]

my teacher told me that she is an only child but her parents still call her by the wrong name.

Ha! I’m an only child and when my mom was flustered or in a hurry she often called me by my dads name or the dogs name before she got to mine.

I have two children…boy and girl…and often called them by the wrong name. Well, not too often but we laughed when it happened. They never appeared traumatized by it.

 

[babochka]

Here are a couple of things I don’t like to hear parents say when they have big families:

1. When they refer to the child by number. As in “#4 is getting old enough to help with chores, now.”
2. When they talk about “training” children. In smaller families, children seem to be mentored and guided. “Training” is something that is done to animals, in my opinion. Yes, it is a matter of semantics. And yet, sometimes (not always), it is also a matter of how children are viewed. It just doesn’t sound very nice, too me.

I refer to my kids by number sometimes, but it is a family joke, as I sometimes go through the entire list of names before I get it right. So I’ll say, “Helper number 4! Come help me get the groceries from the car.” I also occasionally call them my minions.

I definitely don’t train my kids, I teach them.

 

[phil19034]

I am the oldest of 5. Today, I have 2 kids myself.

My wife was only one of 2, as were both of her parents. My mother was the oldest of only two, yet she had 5 kids.

From out experience- the larger the family the better. SURE, some might feel that smaller families are better, but I now look at all the grandkids my parents have and it is awesome. Christmas, Easter, birthdays, etc are packed with family.

Again, it’s awesome.

I only wish I had more kids so I could experience that as a grandparent.

 

[PetraG]

My boys get called by the names of two of my brothers sometimes, and vice versa.

 

[HumbleIOughtToBe]

If the argument conforms to reality it must be respected, even if it gets labeled as secular.
I do not state the validity/non-validity of the argument.

 

[JasonF]

6-10 children I think is a nice number for a good sized family in my opinion.

 

[Sarcelle]

I get called by my cousin’s name.

It doesn’t help if we look identical.

We’re identical cousins.

Remember that TV show?

 

[Emeraldlady]

I’m that mother that calls her adult children darling or sweetheart. You can’t go wrong.