Big family vs. small

[Lea101]

to have a large extented family it needed to have large families.
I have a large extended family only because my mother has 7 siblings.
But we could not offer the same thing to my children.

That’s kind of my point. Hopefully the guy I marries have a good extended family, lol.

I’ll take what I get, but i would not like to have 5+ kids.

I think a lot of the older kids are saddled with the responsibility of making sure that their younger siblings behave but in turn have no authority.

The younger siblings know this and often times show defiance and misbehave anyway. Guess who gets punished for their misbehavior? If you guessed the older children, you guessed right.

This is the exact situation I’m in right now. I’m somehow expected to discipline my sister (since I was 16), but when anything goes wrong, I’m the bad guy. Sigh.

I felt like I was forced to grow up. My sister is a young teen now, and she’s still the baby. While when I was that age, I was punished whenever my sister (toddler) does something wrong.

There are pros and cons, I’m more independent while she struggles more. But I probably have to fork out some therapy later on in my life, lol!

Gender also affects the dynamics. My older brothers weren’t expected to raise us up, but i was told to start “practicing being a mother” when I was 8.

These things weren’t done maliciously, they were stretched thin. It doesn’t mean that there are no bad effects though.

 

[Lea101]

I think it is easier to accept being ignored or misunderstood by your parents because they had so many children to notice or they were spread thin by the destraction of duties given to them by God

Only when you’re grown. By then, the damage may have already been done.

When children feel they were ignored because their parents were taken up with worldly distractions, I think it is harder for children to accept.

Maybe for some. I don’t really feel that way at all. Mostly because it’s hypothetical. I don’t know for sure that if my parents were richer, they would have been better. Parents can definitely say otherwise (e.g. My mom constantly talked about how she wished she could have given us x, y and z.), but i have no way of knowing if that would be an alternate reality.

So to me, my parents being caught up with supporting us and my parents being caught up with wealth and careers would be the same to me. Because the end result is the same, and as a kid, you can’t really rationalise it the way your parents want you to.

 

[PetraG]

Only when you’re grown. By then, the damage may have already been done.

No, I don’t think so. We understood how busy Mom and Dad were. We weren’t being ignored as a group!

So to me, my parents being caught up with supporting us and my parents being caught up with wealth and careers would be the same to me. Because the end result is the same, and as a kid, you can’t really rationalise it the way your parents want you to.

Well, no, it isn’t the same to see your parents divided between you and siblings whom you also love yourself compared to parents divided between you and fewer siblings on one hand and with wealth and impressing strangers on the other.

It does make a big difference whether or not the family is raised in a cohesive way, such that the children feel like they are “on the same team” and not in competition with each other for attention. For instance, going to sports contests of your siblings with your parents is going to have a very different feel if it turns out to be time your parents spend with you and time you spend giving support you want to give to your sibling and not just something you are dragged to on behalf of your sibling on the field.

 

[babochka]

I get called by my cousin’s name.

It doesn’t help if we look identical.

We’re identical cousins.

Remember that TV show?

I have one of those! I’ll never forget the year that my grandpa (not hers) wished her a happy birthday on my birthday.

 

[PetraG]

What have your experiences been as a kid growing up in a family and raising kids? And do you think it’s healthier for kids to have a smaller family with more attention from parents than a bigger family where the oldest kids might have more responsibilities and kids may get less parental attention but have more people to get along with? Psychological does it make a difference usually? Maybe perfect parents could do a great job in both but we aren’t perfect

You haven’t asked what it is like to be an adult child of a large family, but that is a big part of the equation, too.

When our parents began to decline in health, it was hugely helpful that there were so many of us to care for them. Now that we’re adults, it is very cool to have relationships among all of us. Our children have benefited from relationships with their cousins and uncles and aunts that is quite different than families where there is one uncle and aunt and two cousins on one side and another aunt and uncle and a cousin or two on the other. I really liked having all of those cousins and aunts and uncles, even if I didn’t see them all of the time.

I’ll go back to my original thesis, though, which is this: Parents decide as they go along. Of the family situations that are the most difficult, though, I’d say that based on my adult friends it is the hardest to be an only child, both in childhood and when you are an adult with parents to take care of. Even that does not compare with being the child of parents who fight with each other, parents who are not clean and sober or parents with manipulative personalities. Those are the worst, regardless of how many siblings you have. That is the kind of situation where children grow angry with the co-dependent parent for not separating and remain angry as adults, even if it is a separation with the bond remaining and not an annulment situation. The children find it abusive to have to grow up in the middle of that. If the parents are emotionally healthy and have a good marriage, that is the main thing. Do not have children as an antidote to a struggling marriage! Children enhance a healthy marriage, but they usually strain a struggling one. Also: raise your children to feel they are on the same team, and not in competition with each other.

Keep in mind, too, that when you ask someone from a large family if they wish they had been from a smaller family, you’re asking which of their siblings they wish they didn’t have. There are days when you hear an only child saying they wished they had a sibling and you are ready to offer one of yours on the spot, but I don’t know anybody who really means that! The adult friends I have tend to be happy with the family size they got, though, provided they weren’t only children and provided they were raised to have healthy relationships with their siblings, whatever number that was. I often hear adults who are only children wishing they had a brother or a sister, though.

 

[Lea101]

We understood how busy Mom and Dad were. We weren’t being ignored as a group!

I’m not talking about a bunch of kids realising that their parents are busy. It’s a child (or more) seeing some kids get more attention than others, seeing that their emotional needs are not met compared to the rest and so on.

Both of my parents worked full time and i loved it as a kid, so for me it wasn’t the literal time spent with us. It was when they come back and focused on the other children more because I was a quiet kid (and when I’m not, I was frankly difficult as heck). I’ve seen my mother come to the preschool to bring my brother back home early when I was stuck there, for example. Or my parents taking the boys out for a ‘boys day out’ because they felt they couldn’t manage more than a couple of kids at that point of time. As a 5 year old, i didnt know that she had her own reasons for doing that. That’s normal for someone that age.

, it isn’t the same to see your parents divided between you and siblings whom you also love yourself compared to parents divided between you and fewer siblings on one hand and with wealth and impressing strangers on the other

To be quite honest, i dont really understand this sentence, but i was talking about my own experience regardless.

 

[PetraG]

I’m not talking about a bunch of kids realising that their parents are busy. It’s a child (or more) seeing some kids get more attention than others, seeing that their emotional needs are not met compared to the rest and so on.

OK, so we’re in agreement. I’m only talking about the reality that there is only so much time to go around. Yes, parents have to be careful about that, especially when it comes to giving short shrift to the “easy” children. You are right; adults remember how they felt as children, and knowing the bigger picture doesn’t entirely remove the hurt of being overlooked on a consistent basis. That is true whether there are two children or twelve.

 

[Pattylt]

I certainly do…and can still sing the opening song. I always thought that would be so cool…of course, I was an only child and just having a sister would have been awesome. I know now it’s a common fantasy of only children as we usually picture a sister as the perfect playmate…not the antagonist that they usually are!

 

[Pattylt]

I’m an only and the hardest for me was never having a sibling to share in the sorrow of my parents deaths. My mom died when I was 25 and pregnant with my second child. My father dies when I was in my late 40’s. Both were very hard to deal with and while I have cousins out the wazoo (dad was one of seven kids), it just isn’t the same as a sibling.

There were certainly other times a sibling would have been wonderful but dealing with grief alone was the worst.

 

[Sarcelle]

not the antagonist that they usually are!

Not like antagonists but more like frenemies.

 

[Sarcelle]

Come to think of it, was that the Patty Duke show?

 

[Pattylt]

I don’t think it was that show but it did star Patty Duke…I’ll have to look into it.

Edit to add…Yes, it was the Patty Duke show!

 

[TheLittleLady]

I’ve also thrown pets names in there…

 

[Dougbro1]

I ask because I heard from a psychologist that a couple cannot raise say 10 kids on their own and so often what happens is too much responsibility is put on the older kids and/or some kids get lost or forgotten and that sometimes it can cause resentment or other issues for people psychologically. I was wondering other perspectives

This isn’t the case for my parents, who have just had child #13. There are already 6 of us who can split simple responsibilities, so it’s not more than we can take. Also, none of us feel neglected or forgotten by parents.

I am an advocate for large families, but ultimately it is dependent on how many children God wills people to have. It varies from family to family.

I’ve just watched the video footage below earlier, and I want to share it with you:

Joyfully Big : Severance Family

GOD bless all of you! Shalom!

Ah, Joyfully Big! My family was offered to have an episode on us, but at the time, Mom was pregnant and wanted to wait. I’m not sure whether she will take them up on it now, but only time will tell. We have done a children’s series for Advent on Shalom, “Little Douglings: Play and Pray.”
Mom was not too impressed by some of the editing, but overall, people told her they liked it, so that was good enough.

 

[St.Bede]

Glad to hear that! May GOD continue to bless you and your family!
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

 

[Anicette]

It is hard to manage full time and do others chores in the house, but I am happy that my children have a sibling. It is a treasure.

 

[vz71]

Ok…
How many of you smile and inwardly laugh when on a job interview and they ask about management experience.

 

[Cruc3S1gnatus]

What have your experiences been as a kid growing up in a family and raising kids? And do you think it’s healthier for kids to have a smaller family with more attention from parents than a bigger family where the oldest kids might have more responsibilities and kids may get less parental attention but have more people to get along with? Psychological does it make a difference usually? Maybe perfect parents could do a great job in both but we aren’t perfect

I was an only child and it was AWFUL! Never had anyone to play with. I spent most of my time playing with bugs and stuff outside. I never had any real socialization besides school which sucked for me. So now I’m socially awkward and introverted but I myself have 8 children. Love having a large family and watching the kids grow up, interact and support each other.

 

[babochka]

rosejmj:

What have your experiences been as a kid growing up in a family and raising kids? And do you think it’s healthier for kids to have a smaller family with more attention from parents than a bigger family where the oldest kids might have more responsibilities and kids may get less parental attention but have more people to get along with? Psychological does it make a difference usually? Maybe perfect parents could do a great job in both but we aren’t perfect

I was an only child and it was AWFUL! Never had anyone to play with. I spent most of my time playing with bugs and stuff outside. I never had any real socialization besides school which sucked for me. So now I’m socially awkward and introverted but I myself have 8 children. Love having a large family and watching the kids grow up, interact and support each other.

There are plenty of socially awkward introverts who grew up in large families! I have six and three of them fit the bill.

 

[Pattylt]

Never had anyone to play with. I spent most of my time playing with bugs and stuff outside. I never had any real socialization besides school which sucked for me. So now I’m socially awkward and introverted

It’s funny, I’m an only child and feel that I’m much better than many of my friends with siblings at self entertainment, self motivation and self reliance. I’m an extrovert so maybe that’s the difference…I don’t think the amount of siblings determines our intro or extrovertness. That seems to be genetic.

While I didn’t like being an only child, I also realized that I received much more attention from my parents because of it…both good and bad.

I’ve heard the accusation that only children don’t share as well. I think that’s bunk. Because I never had a sibling to share with nor was I forced to share, I was always very willing to share everything I had…much more than other kids were. So, much of our personalities are due to genetics, much is also due to upbringing and it’s hard to state rules because of it.