Ironic, isnāt it? BPDs will do anything to avoid abandonment (real or imagined) but nothing you do seems to help and you want to abandon them for your own safety, health and well-being.
I know my daughter abandoned ME, before I could abandon HER. But of course, thatās the last thing I would ever want to do to her. Iāve taken so much abuse over the years because I love her so much. Youāre damned if you do and damned if you donāt.
Another irony is that if I tell her I think she has BPD she will flip out even worse. On me, possibly on herself, on her husband. Itās a real dead-end.
The only book I have on the subject is, Stop Walking on Eggshells (Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder). Whew-what a mouthful! I bought one book for me and one book for my son-in-law two Christmases ago. His is still wrapped as I never had the courage to send it to him. Heād reject it-heās too much in denial.
It was almost too agonizing for me to read. I had to read a few pages at a time. And Iām still at a loss as how to handle the problem.
Wait. Pray. Wait some more. Pray some more. I doubt anyone out of the clear blue is going to say to her, āHey, I think you may have BPDā. Very few people are aware of BPD. And not everyone sees her BPD behavior. Sheās a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman. Most of her acquaintences/friends/family would be truly SHOCKED to see the vicious way she treats me.
Iāve never seen the website that Aimee provided. Thank you, Aimee. Itās excellent.
I am BPD, and have been receiving treatment (one on one therapy, DBT group) for a year now, so I hoped I could illuminate the situation for you. Unfortunately what I have to say isnāt very nice, but entirely linked to personal experience and even some
Catholic thought on BPD. Like my mother, you sound like a wonderful person. However, like my mother, you *may *have intimately failed your daughter, regardless of wishing the best. If you would read that link you will see what Iām talking about.
In my case, I did hate and ignore my mother for years. She desperately tried to be in contact with me, but I avoided her. She had no idea what kind of intricate pain I was still experiencing from those few, seemingly insignificant, times in my childhood, where she utterly, totally abandoned me to misery. The excruciating pain I felt at having my own mother unaware and uncaring of my pain during those times will haunt me for the rest of my life, but I have since forgiven her, and we now have the relationship we once had when I was still an innocent. Itās like weāre finally best friends again. Not, unfortunately, without my own share of outbursts in her direction along the way, which are nothing but embarrassing in hindsight.
So, the simple truth is:
If your daughter really does have BPD, itās actually your fault, as evidenced by it being you she hates and avoids like the plague. To heal her you need to find out what you did and apologize, or wait for her to discover this process herself, which doesnāt sound like itās going to happen. Unfortunately many, if not most, sufferers of BPD will never admit it and go on to cause even more hurt than they received. If you approach her with repentance,
then bring up BPD, perhaps even this post, she may be more willing to admit the pain inside her. I know you feel like she is just blaming you for her anger, but, if this BPD, having you finally understand and admit to what you did wrong could be the magic words sheās be crying for at night, to
start the healing process at all. Ignoring the reality she endured only prolongs the pain.
Please understand, I know my mother is a great, compassionate person. She is a healer unto all her friends, and a huge emotional asset in my adult life. So itās hard to understand how it happens, on the surface, but due to her own problems, mistakes, and pressures from an unhelpful spouse, she arrived at a place in her life where she unwittingly damaged her own child. It happens. If she really is BPD, if this is the case, know that she desperately
wants to forgive you, and she wants to know what it feels like to trust you, and love you, and be loved by you. She will always crave this, because she is human.
:clapping: God love you and congratulations! If I could give you a hug through the wires I would! Curious, if you donāt mind me asking, did you recover using DBT? I am interested to know how DBT is experienced by people who are Catholic. I use & teach DBT where I work (day treatment program) and find it very effective, and I have been able to reconcile it well with my Catholic beliefs.
Aimee
