Boyfriend is catholic but doesn’t practice

[anneramones]

Hi guys, I need serious help with this.
On Christmas Day I met a guy, he is a friend of one of my best friends and lives in another city,quite distant from mine. We hit off right away and kissed three days after meeting ( the fact that the next day he had to return to his city sped things a lot honestly). He has tried to touch some private parts while we were kissing and I said no. I made him aware of my faith. After going back to his city we continued the relationship through social media and are discussing the possibility to meet half the road and share a room in a hotel ( I don’t want to do anything dirty and he is aware of it). He is a Catholic, his family is neocatecumenal and his parents are strict. He told me that because of them he spent all his teen years between his home and the church and finally when he got a bit older gained more freedom. He told me that he feels he has lost so many things his peers got to experience due to his family’s religion. He has had sex before. He doesn’t see anything wrong with doing it before marriage.
I explained him I want to wait until marriage.
Anyway this relationship has brought up in me a strong sexual desire and I fell in to masturbation yesterday after one year of being clean of it.
Before I was convinced that even sharing a room in a hotel we would have done nothing sexual but now I’m not sure anymore because I feel the desire and so I’m planning to cancel the plan.
Also, I’m thinking about telling him we need to stop our relationship. If he doesn’t lead you closer to God he is not the one, right ? I don’t think he can wait until marriage, he has already expressed how much I attract him, and honestly I doubt my own ability to control myself too.
All of this is saddening me so much because there is really a connection between us and it’s sad we have to break things off and makes me think about how little chances are where I live to find a really catholic boyfriend…

 

[Tolle_Lege]

You did a good job holding your ground and serving as an example. Obviously, don’t be pressured to go any further with intimacy.

His friends did not gain freedom but became trapped in the ways of society, where the once respected bond of what should only be confined to marriage is seen as a right.

Pray for him, hold your ground. Don’t get into any position that will lead either of you into temptation if you get to meet up again. I would avoid the hotel idea, to be quite honest with you.

 

[Aquinas11]

How old are you guys? A lot of red flags here. You sped things because he was only in town a few days. He tried touch you. He’s ok w sex pre marriage. You’re meeting in hotel? I assume his idea?
Would definetly NOT suggest meeting him at hotel. If he really cares about you he’ll be ok w driving to see you, attending Mass with you and your family. He’ll respect your faith that you already told him about.

 

[1ke]

He has tried to touch some private parts while we were kissing and I said no.

Red flag #1

Three days after meeting you are making out with a guy who is already trying to round second or third. Not respecting chastity.

Christmas was only two weeks ago and you already call him you me boyfriend.

I made him aware of my faith.

You shouldn’t have to.

He shouldn’t be doing those things.

After going back to his city we continued the relationship through social media and are discussing the possibility to meet half the road and share a room in a hotel

You are way over your head here. This is Red Flag #2.

And also you are sending some pretty mixed signals on chastity. You claim chastity but are making out 3 days after meeting and now two weeks later a hotel meet up.

He doesn’t see anything wrong with doing it before marriage.

Red flag #3

Also, I’m thinking about telling him we need to stop our relationship.

Yes, you do.

All of this is saddening me so much because there is really a connection between us

Honey, it’s been two weeks. This isn’t a connection, it’s an infatuation.

makes me think about how little chances are where I live to find a really catholic boyfriend…

You knew he wasn’t practicing from the get go. You didn’t look for a “really Catholic boyfriend”.

 

[anneramones]

Thank you so much for your reply, yes I agree we have done things too quick and I should have controlled myself way more.
I also agree on the mixed signals about chastity. It was not my intent to give mixed signals of course. It happened that during a funny game with the other friend I mentioned above, there was a bit of a talk about sex and I told that I’m virgin and planning to stay so until marriage. The kiss came later.
Now that I think will break it off I also fear about his reaction towards the faith. I feel that if I tell him I don’t want to continue because of our different ideas about sex this will drive him away from faith even more and I don’t want this. So I’m considering just telling him about the distance problem, the fact we can see each other just once in a while. Also I’m studying while he is working and his work requires him to go abroad often…I believe these are sufficient reasons…
The last part of my post, I don’t think I explained myself well, what I meant to say is that I don’t have anymore hope of finding a guy that actually practices the faith and is willing to wait. I had hope before but after four years of being alone because of this I feel I don’t have any anymore.

 

[maryjk]

It was not my intent to give mixed signals of course. It happened that during a funny game with the other friend I mentioned above, there was a bit of a talk about sex and I told that I’m virgin and planning to stay so until marriage. The kiss came later.

Quite honestly, it sounds like he made you a conquest.

You say that you are a virgin, and plan to remain so. And he essentially tried to change that.

 

[nearlycatholic]

I don’t in any way mean this in a mean way REGARDLESS of how it may sound. Turn tail and run! You can do better. Pretty sure this will cause lot of posters to get their shorts in a twist but unless or until he gets his head together and heart in the right place the “relationship” is a disaster in the making. You need to find a godly woman you can trust to discuss this with. Ask your priest for recommendations about mentors for young women.

 

[Aquinas11]

Also, I’m thinking about telling him we need to stop our relationship. If he doesn’t lead you closer to God he is not the one, right ?

Yes! Don’t make same mistake I did. Was in same boat as you with girlfriend, decided to meet her my place even though suspected couldn’t control ourselves. Was a disaster!! . You cannot unring that bell

If he cared about you then he’d respect your faith and clearly he’s not.

All of this is saddening me so much because there is really a connection between us and it’s sad we have to break things off and makes me think about how little chances are where I live to find a really catholic boyfriend…

Yes but compare that to how sad it would be if you guys met and you guys had sex and then a few weeks later he says “it’s over” (most likely). Picture that for a few minutes.

Guys are out there , you ever go to TLM Parish? I meet guys there all time that are waiting for marriage

Now that I think will break it off I also fear about his reaction towards the faith. I feel that if I tell him I don’t want to continue because of our different ideas about sex this will drive him away from faith even more and I don’t want this.

Or it could drive him TO the faith cause he realizes he just lost a quality woman.

 

[Cor_ad_Cor]

I’ll just throw this out there in the hopes it helps:

I’ve had very strong “connections” in the past with other people. I’m married. These connections (where nothing physical occurred, mind you) were not with my spouse. Not every connection is meant to lead somewhere other than temptation.

 

[aroosi]

On Christmas Day I met a guy, he is a friend of one of my best friends and lives in another city,quite distant from mine.

Guys, you need to slow down. You are calling him boyfriend but you met him only two weeks ago (Christmas!!) and barely know him (he lives in a distant city!). Even if religion would not be involved, you are going wwwwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too fast. Use prudence and your best judgement.

 

[Peebo]

You don’t need to tell him anything…you only just met…he’s already tried groping you…he has NO respect for you…he wants sex…that’s it…you need to focus on your own faith and not fall into temptation…the fact both of you were planning on staying in a hotel room together??..you might want to consider your reason for remaining a virgin until marriage has anything to do with your faith…it sounds pretty shallow…sorry if that sounds harsh…but staying in a hotel room together after only meeting a couple weeks ago…really?..surely you don’t need any advice on that.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Anyway this relationship has brought up in me a strong sexual desire and I fell in to masturbation yesterday after one year of being clean of it.

Sounds as if this relationship is a near occasion of sin.

I don’t think he can wait until marriage, he has already expressed how much I attract him, and honestly I doubt my own ability to control myself too.

A reason we ought not do passionate kissing 3 days after meeting someone. Your body has begun to make chemical bonds with him.

makes me think about how little chances are where I live to find a really catholic boyfriend…

This is despair, it does not come from God.

 

[1ke]

It happened that during a funny game with the other friend I mentioned above, there was a bit of a talk about sex and I told that I’m virgin and planning to stay so until marriage.

So you now know that in the future you should not play “funny games” with talk about sex in mixed company nor should you reveal personal details about your own sex life to acquaintances.

I feel that if I tell him I don’t want to continue because of our different ideas about sex this will drive him away from faith even more and I don’t want this.

Look, that’s not your responsibility. Also, you don’t owe him any explanation. A simple, “I’ve reconsidered” will suffice.

what I meant to say is that I don’t have anymore hope of finding a guy that actually practices the faith and is willing to wait.

Well, perhaps you are looking in the wrong places, or perhaps you need to wait until you are out of school to meet faithful Catholic men.

Men who don’t believe in chastity before marriage also won’t believe in it after marriage— so there may be strife around natural family planning and the sorts of things married couples should and should not do.

I do understand the feeling that you will never find someone to share your life with. Because I’ve been there. What I had to come to understand is that it is better to live single than compromise the faith.

I did find a wonderful man who also despaired of finding a faithful Catholic woman. We each had many years of single-hood before meeting. Don’t rush it. Don’t worry about it. Commit to the faith and to chastity and expect no less of those you date.

I am the only woman my husband ever dated. I on the other hand kissed a lot of frogs, a complete waste of time. Quality over quantity.

 

[Dolphin]

A reason we ought not do passionate kissing 3 days after meeting someone. Your body has begun to make chemical bonds with him.

Furthermore, you are experiencing infatuation.

 

[anneramones]

Well he is not actually my boyfriend but since he took things seriously from start and so did I and when we talk he speaks about our “relationship”( in english means other things than love relationship but in my language is not the case) I did not know what else to call him on here.

 

[aroosi]

He is not taking things seriously from the beginning, he is just pushing you to have sex with him quickly (and probably he will move on to the next adventure after he gets what he wants). Wake up!!! Why do you think, after knowing you only for a couple of weeks, he wants you to meet him alone half road in a hotel room? This is not love, this is infatuation and taking advantage of your inexperience.

 

[anneramones]

I’ve always thought I was going to stay a virgin until marriage since I was very little. I just believed this is how it should be done and that everyone was virgin before marriage. My family didn’t talk to me about waiting, importance of chastity, sanctity of marriage, such arguments are never been discussed(family is only nominally Catholic, we never did religious things or talks). I went to catechism and they made us learn the 10 commandments but our teacher didn’t go deep in the You should not commit adultery, maybe bc we were kids, Idk. Anyway in the Bible it’s written that our bodies are temples of the Lord and they need to stay Holy, and also that sexual immorality doesn’t take you to Heaven so this is it.

 

[Dolphin]

Well he is not actually my boyfriend

Wait, the title says he’s your boyfriend…

 

[anneramones]

Please read my other comment. We didn’t actually declare one another you are my girlfriend/boyfriend but we treat ourselves as such. Using my language I could have defined him as the guy “con cui mi sento” but I don’t think there is actually an equivalent and also didn’t want to write half a page about it so I went with the boyfriend word.

 

[mdbaumert]

Our current culture makes far too much of sex and far too little.

Far too much:
It is the pinnacle of satisfaction and love. Anyone who has explored sexuality outside or inside marriage could attest to that it is not.

It is a basic human need. That is an over-elevation of our human sexuality and adds it to our identity which is a gross overstatement of its nature.

It is too strong and uncontrollable and practicing chastity is nearly impossible. Untrue as well and tied to the misplaced belief that God doesn’t have anything better that he can give us apart from sexual satisfaction.

Far too little:
It is the binding of hearts and openness between two souls. It requires absolute trust to the created intent to be properly and responsibly partaken in. Anything less than the created intent of openness to life and mutual trust in a covenental relationship (holy marriage) turns into a shadow of what it was created for which ultimately is a redefinition of its meaning based on whatever we want it to be. We think freedom exists in our creation of the borders of acceptable sexual behavior when the reality is that when we deviate from the created intent we become slaves to our new masters of the borders that we define (and tend to redefine with greater laxity over time).

We need to unlearn misconceptions about sexuality and sacramental marriage is the place of unlearning the ways of our culture (and perhaps ways within ourselves) in the place of security and bondedness with our spouse; in marriage we learn what it was created to be which is far more compelling and transformative than what our culture teaches us that it is.