Break up or marriage?

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I read the following about “criminal friendships” in St. Francis de Sales “Philothea” today:

“Cut them, break them, tear them! You must not amuse yourself in unraveling those criminal friendships, you must rend them asunder. Do not untie the knot, burst them or cut them, so that the cords and strings may be worth nothing. We must make no compromise with a love that is contrary to the love of God”.
 
I have to add, he’s the block to you finding your true love.
He’s not even your friend, is he?
 
Free advice, worth what you paid for it:

Who on earth asks herself “Should I marry him or should I leave?” What kind of a question is that? That’s like finishing a job interview and asking yourself, “Should I call the cops on them, or should I take the job?” I don’t know about the former, but the latter question kind of answers itself, don’t you think?

How is it that you are still asking this question, 13 years later? Your posts have “what on earth possessed me to marry him” written all over them. There is absolutely nothing in what you wrote that advocates in favor of a marriage.

This is what advocates against it:
  1. He offers you nothing in the way of love, except protests that he loves you. You have not mentioned one concrete thing that he gives to you.
  2. You break up, but then you go back for reasons other than that he makes you happy: because he cries, because you felt guilty, because someone else made you cry. I can’t even keep up with all of them, but in no instance was it a good reason. After you go back, you feel stuck with him. He sounds for all the world like your perpetual “rebound guy”, the guy who is a bad idea but that you go back to in-between other boyfriends because he’s already in your comfort zone.
  3. You each want very different things out of life, things that are mutually exclusive
  4. He gets angry about what you want out of life; if you get even some of what you want, he won’t like it
  5. He is going to be no help in pursuing holiness, and probably a handicap. The prospect that he might have a change of heart isn’t even on the table, is it? You want to marry someone who isn’t supportive of your faith? If you think you are miserable now, wait until your children are old enough to receive the sacraments. You don’t know miserable yet.
  6. You don’t enjoy him. If there were any good days or if he has anything whatsoever about him that delights you, reports of that stuff didn’t even make the first cut when reporting the big picture. Most days, you’re happier when he’s somewhere else. There is a reason for that. I don’t know what it is, but don’t think that hurrying to name “the good times” changes that. How can you possibly love him enough to marry him? You don’t even like him!
  7. You’re not even sure he loves you: “…Maybe it was too late, he moved on, and stopped loving me…”
This is the most telling, however:
If I knew that he is going to be happy when we break up, I would do it now.

What? You think you’re the center of his universe, he can’t be happy unless you submerge what you want and stick around for his sake? That’s either pathetic or incredibly arrogant. Depending on the real situation on the ground, it might even be both. It really doesn’t matter. You’re going to be miserable, and you’ll probably make him miserable, too.

Do everyone a favor. Break up with this young man and promise promise promise yourself that you will never go back. Not ever, no way, period. If you keep doing the same thing over and over, you’ll get the same result over and over. You’ve run the experiment enough times, already. Quit refusing to learn!!

Then, when you have left and resolved never to go back, even if it means never marrying at all, start on this: “dreams…I dont know if I have any, but thats another question…”
No, that is not another question. You started dating at 17 and you’ve been around this guy for 13 years. That makes you 30 years old! Until you get some dreams of your own, don’t even think about dating another guy. It ought not take a long time, but you ought to learn to know your own mind before you start another courtship.
 
I think she knows what she should do. I just think it is just something she wants to avoid because it will be painful for the both of them. I personally think the longer she waits, the worse the pain is going to be. I know that when I was in a long term relationship with a man I knew was wrong for me, I kept on putting off breaking up with him. I felt stuck, but deep down I knew what needed to be done.

OP- Why ask us if you should break up or get married? I think it is pretty clear what you should do, but you seem to have made the decision to stay with this guy before you even asked the question. Everyone seems to be saying the same thing and you even acknowledge you don’t want to be with him anymore. Stop dilly dallying. It isn’t going to save you or him any pain. If anything it will add to both of your pain. He is a big boy, he can handle some hear ache. It is part of life.
 
TrixieMcGee said:
I think she knows what she should do. I just think it is just something she wants to avoid because it will be painful for the both of them. I personally think the longer she waits, the worse the pain is going to be. I know that when I was in a long term relationship with a man I knew was wrong for me, I kept on putting off breaking up with him. I felt stuck, but deep down I knew what needed to be done.

OP- Why ask us if you should break up or get married? I think it is pretty clear what you should do, but you seem to have made the decision to stay with this guy before you even asked the question. Everyone seems to be saying the same thing and you even acknowledge you don’t want to be with him anymore. Stop dilly dallying. It isn’t going to save you or him any pain. If anything it will add to both of your pain. He is a big boy, he can handle some hear ache. It is part of life.
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Most people would be deeply insulted, even to the point of being livid, if they were to find that the only reason the person they’re dating hasn’t left is because the person feels sorry for them and doesn’t think they can manage alone. That is so offensive, I don’t know where to start. They might say things like that in order to keep someone, sure, but let the person think such a thing on their own? If I say, “If I leave, you are doomed to be alone”, after all, I’m really saying “Not only do I reject you, but I feel sure that every other woman would, too. No one could love you. But don’t worry, I’ll be your savior. Cling to me, I am your only hope.”

How insulting can you get? The “project” is also thought to be so thick that he’ll never pick up on this attitude. Sure, maybe someone can be so thick that he lives with an unhappy woman all his life and never figures it out, but one still has to wonder how a pitying spouse can be so shocked when their “project” leaves them for someone else.

It happens. Very sad, but it does. 😦
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You may as well already be married. Not in the eyes of the Church, of course. But your bodies and minds have been united for 13 years, and the hormones that are created during sexual intercourse have glued you together, so it’s going to be difficult to split up for good. But you see that you are not even compatible and neither of you are projects to be fixed by the other person. So whatever he is now, he is. And whatever you are now, you are. And you literally do not even share the same values.

Prayers for you. Your life is being used up as you go through this.
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That’s right!!
EasterJoy said:
Free advice, worth what you paid for it:

Who on earth asks herself “Should I marry him or should I leave?” What kind of a question is that? That’s like finishing a job interview and asking yourself, “Should I call the cops on them, or should I take the job?” I don’t know about the former, but the latter question kind of answers itself, don’t you think?

How is it that you are still asking this question, 13 years later? Your posts have “what on earth possessed me to marry him” written all over them. There is absolutely nothing in what you wrote that advocates in favor of a marriage.

This is what advocates against it:
  1. He offers you nothing in the way of love, except protests that he loves you. You have not mentioned one concrete thing that he gives to you.
  2. You break up, but then you go back for reasons other than that he makes you happy: because he cries, because you felt guilty, because someone else made you cry. I can’t even keep up with all of them, but in no instance was it a good reason. After you go back, you feel stuck with him. He sounds for all the world like your perpetual “rebound guy”, the guy who is a bad idea but that you go back to in-between other boyfriends because he’s already in your comfort zone.
  3. You each want very different things out of life, things that are mutually exclusive
  4. He gets angry about what you want out of life; if you get even some of what you want, he won’t like it
  5. He is going to be no help in pursuing holiness, and probably a handicap. The prospect that he might have a change of heart isn’t even on the table, is it? You want to marry someone who isn’t supportive of your faith? If you think you are miserable now, wait until your children are old enough to receive the sacraments. You don’t know miserable yet.
  6. You don’t enjoy him. If there were any good days or if he has anything whatsoever about him that delights you, reports of that stuff didn’t even make the first cut when reporting the big picture. Most days, you’re happier when he’s somewhere else. There is a reason for that. I don’t know what it is, but don’t think that hurrying to name “the good times” changes that. How can you possibly love him enough to marry him? You don’t even like him!
  7. You’re not even sure he loves you: “…Maybe it was too late, he moved on, and stopped loving me…”
This is the most telling, however:
If I knew that he is going to be happy when we break up, I would do it now.

What? You think you’re the center of his universe, he can’t be happy unless you submerge what you want and stick around for his sake? That’s either pathetic or incredibly arrogant. Depending on the real situation on the ground, it might even be both. It really doesn’t matter. You’re going to be miserable, and you’ll probably make him miserable, too.

Do everyone a favor. Break up with this young man and promise promise promise yourself that you will never go back. Not ever, no way, period. If you keep doing the same thing over and over, you’ll get the same result over and over. You’ve run the experiment enough times, already. Quit refusing to learn!!

Then, when you have left and resolved never to go back, even if it means never marrying at all, start on this: “dreams…I dont know if I have any, but thats another question…”
No, that is not another question. You started dating at 17 and you’ve been around this guy for 13 years. That makes you 30 years old! Until you get some dreams of your own, don’t even think about dating another guy. It ought not take a long time, but you ought to learn to know your own mind before you start another courtship
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That’s right!!

Take the sex out and you will have nothing left…other than perhaps a lesson about how sex can mess up 13 years of a person’s life. Do yourself a favor and keep sex out of any future relationships if you don’t want to stare confused wondering if you should “break up or get married!” after wasting so much precious time of the short life we have granted here on earth.

Like EasterJoy stated, it is far more important you asses your goals and aspirations in life at this point than finding, keeping or losing a boyfriend. If you are 30, the better part of your life has passed you by, do whatever you can to get where you should be as a grown woman…and as C.s Lewis says, the quickest way to do that is to quickly turn around. Travels and studies do not get you anywhere closer to your destination if you do not even know or can’t articulate what that destination is…where you are aspiring to get.

It really is all very obvious, I wouldn’t waste another second if I were you. This is precious time you will never get back.

.
 
You are in denial, Honey. This is not love. It is a dependency. You have an attachment to this relationship and won’t let go, even if you know it is the right thing to do. Maybe you think you are more comfortable in pain. Forgive him, forgive yourself and come clean. God wants you to build the kingdom on earth. You cannot show His love and grace in this commitment. Praying that whatever it is that you are needing to do, God will touch your heart and lead you to peace.
 
acadiANNA said:
You are in denial, Honey. This is not love. It is a dependency…
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Bingo. She describes no good thing as the reason she is with the guy, but only a desire to avoid worse.

No one is ever happy by simply avoiding what one doesn’t want. There has to be a positive goal that is the far greater driving factor. What kind of spiritual life would it be, after all, if one were consumed by avoiding Hell and gave no thought to Heaven, grace, or the love of God? It would shrivel one’s soul. 😦
 
milabox said:
but. theres very litle in common we have, we don’t share the same values in life or even dreams (I dont know if I have any, but thats another question). I want simple peacefull life , I am a practising catholic.And he wants a very rich life financially. He made it clear to me that he doesn’t like my way of thinking. My way of living. That is just going to work (making enough money by the way) 9 to 5 and have the rest of time to enjoy life (doing things I love, travel, gardening, resting, reading, cinema, concerts, spending time with kids, if we have one day, learning new languages, going to church every Sunday (I travel here 200 km in order to get to a catholic mass) and so on… I want for us to have a house, of course, but I want to take it easy, save and get it when we can. We could easily save now. But he is angry at me, because I don’t want to do business, saying that, I mean , he started business one year ago. The business idea is to get foreign people jobs in Norway. He gets angry at me if I disagree with him. He goes to work on top of that business, gets tired enough, And I noticed that the more he works the less money is in his bank account. He is grumpy and I feel no love at all. He keeps repeating, that he must earn a lot of money. I dont even know where he wants to spend it. Anyway I can’t talk for him, I am confused about his thinking and wanting. And he is quite unopen person, he doesn’t speak a lot… to be honest, I am not happy at all with him. I am happy when I am alone at home with our dog. He works away from home a lot of the time. I started making plans to go back from where I came, go back to Ireland. I don’t feel like doing something for this relationship to get better. On top of everything he wants to get married, very soon, Christmass day… On one hand I think maybe then things would get better, because maybe we would get Gods blessing, on the other I don’t think it is a wise thing to do, when we are so different and we get in a row, just wanting to watch different things on TV. And the worst thing is I can’t talk to him about our situation without being told that it’s all my thinking and I just imagine. Do I really??? I do miss Ireland, my family, my life before that, very very very much, true, but I came to stay with him willing to make life together and believing that it was Gods plan. But my willingness started to fade day by day as we started to know each other. I feel sorry for him, but I dont know if I feel love for him. I doubt myself a lot, and that stops me from making a decision. To marry or to break up again and for good. If I mention break up to him, he shows me the attitude of whatever. I think he might be angry at me as well,. for all those past break ups, but not sure. He wouldnt tell me… In my opinion it is so broken, and I take a lot of blame as well, but wanting to fix it got me to this point now.
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If you don’t share the same values it’s a waste of time in the long run. Sometimes it’s hard to let go but necessary…just as much for yourself as it is for the other person and because we love someone doesn’t mean they are a good match for us. Letting go can be the highest form of love in my opinion because it’s the most selfless. I can’t honestly say what you should do but examine the pros and cons and how the relationship dynamics work. Can he give you what you want and need and can you give him the same? Good luck and prayers.
 
Luvz2travel said:
…because we love someone doesn’t mean they are a good match for us. Letting go can be the highest form of love in my opinion because it’s the most selfless…
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So true! Sometimes a person has to let go of someone else who is simply amazing. It is so hard, and yet immeasurably better than to devastate both of you by a marriage that fails to be what marriage ought to be.
 
said:
hi to all of you, thank you for your insights and thoughts on my situation, advice and words of encouragement and prayers. I am booking my ticket tomorrow to go home. Now I just must keep strong.
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milabox said:
hi to all of you, thank you for your insights and thoughts on my situation, advice and words of encouragement and prayers. I am booking my ticket tomorrow to go home. Now I just must keep strong.
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God bless you and be with you on your journey!
 
Be strong! Don’t look back, look forward! God bless you as you seek to live His will for you.
 
milabox said:
hi to all of you, thank you for your insights and thoughts on my situation, advice and words of encouragement and prayers. I am booking my ticket tomorrow to go home. Now I just must keep strong.
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Prayers go with you, dear one!

👋:gopray2::grouphug:

Please let us know how you are doing once you get home.
 
milabox said:
hi to all of you, thank you for your insights and thoughts on my situation, advice and words of encouragement and prayers. I am booking my ticket tomorrow to go home. Now I just must keep strong.
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I am so happy for you! Don’t give up! God bless you!
 
hello, thanks again
I need your prayers please. I am keeping up with my decision. its just hard being here on my own, until I’ll be going home. And he does try to get us back together. It makes me think again and again, though I am certain about my decision. I have one and half month left here. (because of work). We live separately and don’t see each other. Only if there is something to sort out, for example like car keys etc. I would like us to finish it friendly, in order not to feel guilty later… oh, how sad… I am afraid to be feeling guilty again and fall back into it. Please pray for me.
 
Six weeks? Go looking for stuff to see before you have to ship out. Stay strong and trust your first instinct. You only have to ask yourself where guilt has lead you in the past. It hasn’t been kind to you. Good guilt leads you to good decisions; toxic guilt lets others manipulate you into bad ones. Don’t let him put any toxic guilt onto you.
 
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