C
Church_Militant
Guest
UPDATE: Good News.
- Status
J
JReducation
Guest
Hello my friends:
I thought I’d try to post an update on my own. I’m still in bed, but am actually getting up for short periods. Yesterday, I went outside again. It was great to sit by the lake, even though it was a short tour. The heavens opened up. The last thing I need is to get soaked. I like sitting there with my breviary, rosary and my books. My dog, St. Max, and I are reading City of God by Augustine. It’s actually making more sense than when I read it in the seminary back in the 70s. I guess because I’m closer to Augustine’s age when he wrote it and I can appreciate his septuagenarian humor. He is quite funny. Augustine is rather sarcastic.
The old body is not running as it was. I’m on oxygen 24/7. Kidneys are running in low gear. The heart is enlarged, though I keep telling my cardiologist that I just have a big heart. I don’t think he’s buying it. My glucose levels and blood pressure often team up and climb to the skies, which then makes me feel the side effects of two Martinis without the party.
There is always a great part to being sick. I guess there is always a blessing in every challenge and this is no different. I spend much time alone. The brothers go out and one of them remains. There are three of us in this house. Our constitutions are very simple. The brothers do not engage in conversation except for work. Every brother must seek silence and solitude when not serving in the outside apostolate. I get to spend entire days without radio, TV, conversation, music of any kind or any noises from the world outside. The only time that we speak to each other is at supper, community function or work. But as I said, they’re out there and I’m here. There is a great sense of peace that I can’t seem to communicate well, but it’s incredible. Things that seemed important a month ago don’t seem as big today.
This morning, I got to read a blog or two and noticed that some people are still fussing about the prayer event at Vatican City. Normally, I would either share their concern or I would roll my eyes at the fact that people haven’t got many more important tasks to fill their day, so they have to look over the pope’s shoulders. Well, today I just started to laugh so hard that Brother Chris, who was quietly working on something in the other room, came running to see what was so funny. I just thought it was funny, because I’m trying to get out of bed and stay out of bed. I’ve been scheduled to do training for the Respect Life Ministry on Franciscan Pastoral Care for Fathers In Crisis Pregnancies. This has been on the schedule for months. I’m not sure if I’m going to pull it off or another brother will have to do it. I have three more candidates asking for admission this summer. That would bring the number of men in formation to 12, but we don’t have room in the inn. There is a single mother asked me to pray for her 18-year old son on a ventilator. Unless it’s a real catastrophe, what happens in another country, albeit Vatican City State is not something that I think about for more than five minutes. Either I’m disconnected or some people are too connected.
The silence and solitude that come from being sick help me to realize that the present moment is God’s chosen moment of grace for us. But it’s our present moment, not the pope’s or that of my mother-in-law. This is what brings me back to Augustine. In City of God he shows us the course of God’s plan as it’s woven into human history. Rather than fight the present moment, Augustine proposes living the present moment according to God’s plan for us, not for someone else. Thus the City of God is a tapestry of many threads woven by God through history, not a flat monochrome canvas. So, in his very dry manner, he uses humor to teach those who are catastrophic to settle down and be realistic.
Anyway, that’s about as much energy as I can muster for the moment. Please continue to pray, especially for children.
I thought I’d try to post an update on my own. I’m still in bed, but am actually getting up for short periods. Yesterday, I went outside again. It was great to sit by the lake, even though it was a short tour. The heavens opened up. The last thing I need is to get soaked. I like sitting there with my breviary, rosary and my books. My dog, St. Max, and I are reading City of God by Augustine. It’s actually making more sense than when I read it in the seminary back in the 70s. I guess because I’m closer to Augustine’s age when he wrote it and I can appreciate his septuagenarian humor. He is quite funny. Augustine is rather sarcastic.
The old body is not running as it was. I’m on oxygen 24/7. Kidneys are running in low gear. The heart is enlarged, though I keep telling my cardiologist that I just have a big heart. I don’t think he’s buying it. My glucose levels and blood pressure often team up and climb to the skies, which then makes me feel the side effects of two Martinis without the party.
There is always a great part to being sick. I guess there is always a blessing in every challenge and this is no different. I spend much time alone. The brothers go out and one of them remains. There are three of us in this house. Our constitutions are very simple. The brothers do not engage in conversation except for work. Every brother must seek silence and solitude when not serving in the outside apostolate. I get to spend entire days without radio, TV, conversation, music of any kind or any noises from the world outside. The only time that we speak to each other is at supper, community function or work. But as I said, they’re out there and I’m here. There is a great sense of peace that I can’t seem to communicate well, but it’s incredible. Things that seemed important a month ago don’t seem as big today.
This morning, I got to read a blog or two and noticed that some people are still fussing about the prayer event at Vatican City. Normally, I would either share their concern or I would roll my eyes at the fact that people haven’t got many more important tasks to fill their day, so they have to look over the pope’s shoulders. Well, today I just started to laugh so hard that Brother Chris, who was quietly working on something in the other room, came running to see what was so funny. I just thought it was funny, because I’m trying to get out of bed and stay out of bed. I’ve been scheduled to do training for the Respect Life Ministry on Franciscan Pastoral Care for Fathers In Crisis Pregnancies. This has been on the schedule for months. I’m not sure if I’m going to pull it off or another brother will have to do it. I have three more candidates asking for admission this summer. That would bring the number of men in formation to 12, but we don’t have room in the inn. There is a single mother asked me to pray for her 18-year old son on a ventilator. Unless it’s a real catastrophe, what happens in another country, albeit Vatican City State is not something that I think about for more than five minutes. Either I’m disconnected or some people are too connected.
The silence and solitude that come from being sick help me to realize that the present moment is God’s chosen moment of grace for us. But it’s our present moment, not the pope’s or that of my mother-in-law. This is what brings me back to Augustine. In City of God he shows us the course of God’s plan as it’s woven into human history. Rather than fight the present moment, Augustine proposes living the present moment according to God’s plan for us, not for someone else. Thus the City of God is a tapestry of many threads woven by God through history, not a flat monochrome canvas. So, in his very dry manner, he uses humor to teach those who are catastrophic to settle down and be realistic.
Anyway, that’s about as much energy as I can muster for the moment. Please continue to pray, especially for children.
T
TimothyH
Guest
It is a joy to read your post again Brother. We love you dearly.
I was reading one of your posts from long ago where you mention St. Ignatius’ first exercise - what does God want for my salvation today? Today… not tomorrow or yesterday, but today. Not someone else’ salvation but mine.
You have been a blessing in my life. Your daughter is beautiful.
-Tim-
I was reading one of your posts from long ago where you mention St. Ignatius’ first exercise - what does God want for my salvation today? Today… not tomorrow or yesterday, but today. Not someone else’ salvation but mine.
You have been a blessing in my life. Your daughter is beautiful.
-Tim-
A
Avila123
Guest
Dear Brother JR,
It is so wonderful to hear that you are quietly enjoying life. You are always in my prayers and although we have not met and are unlikely to (here on earth), you are as dear to me as my own brothers.
May God bless, cherish and strengthen you.
It is so wonderful to hear that you are quietly enjoying life. You are always in my prayers and although we have not met and are unlikely to (here on earth), you are as dear to me as my own brothers.
May God bless, cherish and strengthen you.
J
jeannetherese
Guest
A Memorare offered for you and for all children brother.
May God bless you and may Our Lady keep you safe beneath her mantle.
If you have the opportunity to share the title of the biography of Saint Augustine, I would very much appreciate it. I have a love for inspirational reading lists.
While I don’t post every day, you are in my daily prayers and i trust that our dear Lord will guide you safely home in His good time. You have been a blessing in my life and I thank you for giving me much to think about annd to pray on.
Take care,
jt
May God bless you and may Our Lady keep you safe beneath her mantle.
If you have the opportunity to share the title of the biography of Saint Augustine, I would very much appreciate it. I have a love for inspirational reading lists.
While I don’t post every day, you are in my daily prayers and i trust that our dear Lord will guide you safely home in His good time. You have been a blessing in my life and I thank you for giving me much to think about annd to pray on.
Take care,
jt
H
Hmgbrd
Guest
Dear Brother JR,
Thank you for the update and as always your personal perspective on what is really important each day. I will pray that you will be in shape to share your special gifts with the those coming to attend the Respect Life Ministry.
BTW, I have a separate personal request for St. Max. Obviously he is one of the finest Augustinian canine experts of his generation. My 2 dogs have asked if St. Max will be offering any retreats in the near future to deepen their knowledge of St. Augustine. Although they are originally Tibetan and have only centered around the Dali Lama, their interest has been sparked! They have asked me to dig (up)/out a volume of Daily thoughts by St. Augustine that I intend to start reading with them today. Do thinks that St. Max is up for this or is he devoting most of his time to research at the moment?
So my prayer for you this day dear Brother JR is from Augustine:
I love You alone, Lord. I seek You alone. I yearn to be possessed by You alone. Heal and open my eyes that I may recognize Your will. — Soliloquies 1,1
For you and the children:
:harp:
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
:harp:
Thank you for the update and as always your personal perspective on what is really important each day. I will pray that you will be in shape to share your special gifts with the those coming to attend the Respect Life Ministry.
BTW, I have a separate personal request for St. Max. Obviously he is one of the finest Augustinian canine experts of his generation. My 2 dogs have asked if St. Max will be offering any retreats in the near future to deepen their knowledge of St. Augustine. Although they are originally Tibetan and have only centered around the Dali Lama, their interest has been sparked! They have asked me to dig (up)/out a volume of Daily thoughts by St. Augustine that I intend to start reading with them today. Do thinks that St. Max is up for this or is he devoting most of his time to research at the moment?
So my prayer for you this day dear Brother JR is from Augustine:
I love You alone, Lord. I seek You alone. I yearn to be possessed by You alone. Heal and open my eyes that I may recognize Your will. — Soliloquies 1,1
For you and the children:
:harp:
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
:harp:
T
tawny
Guest
Hello Brother JR. Good to hear from you. Glad to hear you are feeling better. You are missed. Praying for your continued health & recovery. God Bless you. Praying for all of your intentions. Take care & be well. Get well soon. God speed in your recovery.Hello my friends:
I thought I’d try to post an update on my own. I’m still in bed, but am actually getting up for short periods. Yesterday, I went outside again. It was great to sit by the lake, even though it was a short tour. The heavens opened up. The last thing I need is to get soaked. I like sitting there with my breviary, rosary and my books. My dog, St. Max, and I are reading City of God by Augustine. It’s actually making more sense than when I read it in the seminary back in the 70s. I guess because I’m closer to Augustine’s age when he wrote it and I can appreciate his septuagenarian humor. He is quite funny. Augustine is rather sarcastic.
The old body is not running as it was. I’m on oxygen 24/7. Kidneys are running in low gear. The heart is enlarged, though I keep telling my cardiologist that I just have a big heart. I don’t think he’s buying it. My glucose levels and blood pressure often team up and climb to the skies, which then makes me feel the side effects of two Martinis without the party.
There is always a great part to being sick. I guess there is always a blessing in every challenge and this is no different. I spend much time alone. The brothers go out and one of them remains. There are three of us in this house. Our constitutions are very simple. The brothers do not engage in conversation except for work. Every brother must seek silence and solitude when not serving in the outside apostolate. I get to spend entire days without radio, TV, conversation, music of any kind or any noises from the world outside. The only time that we speak to each other is at supper, community function or work. But as I said, they’re out there and I’m here. There is a great sense of peace that I can’t seem to communicate well, but it’s incredible. Things that seemed important a month ago don’t seem as big today.
This morning, I got to read a blog or two and noticed that some people are still fussing about the prayer event at Vatican City. Normally, I would either share their concern or I would roll my eyes at the fact that people haven’t got many more important tasks to fill their day, so they have to look over the pope’s shoulders. Well, today I just started to laugh so hard that Brother Chris, who was quietly working on something in the other room, came running to see what was so funny. I just thought it was funny, because I’m trying to get out of bed and stay out of bed. I’ve been scheduled to do training for the Respect Life Ministry on Franciscan Pastoral Care for Fathers In Crisis Pregnancies. This has been on the schedule for months. I’m not sure if I’m going to pull it off or another brother will have to do it. I have three more candidates asking for admission this summer. That would bring the number of men in formation to 12, but we don’t have room in the inn. There is a single mother asked me to pray for her 18-year old son on a ventilator. Unless it’s a real catastrophe, what happens in another country, albeit Vatican City State is not something that I think about for more than five minutes. Either I’m disconnected or some people are too connected.
The silence and solitude that come from being sick help me to realize that the present moment is God’s chosen moment of grace for us. But it’s our present moment, not the pope’s or that of my mother-in-law. This is what brings me back to Augustine. In City of God he shows us the course of God’s plan as it’s woven into human history. Rather than fight the present moment, Augustine proposes living the present moment according to God’s plan for us, not for someone else. Thus the City of God is a tapestry of many threads woven by God through history, not a flat monochrome canvas. So, in his very dry manner, he uses humor to teach those who are catastrophic to settle down and be realistic.
Anyway, that’s about as much energy as I can muster for the moment. Please continue to pray, especially for children.
O
OraLabora
Guest
Dear Brother, prayers from me as well.
You are sorely missed in these parts!
You are sorely missed in these parts!
L
Lormar
Guest
I pray for you every day, Brother. Thank you for taking the time to post an update, and a special “thank you” to your secretary 
, Church Militant, for being so faithful in getting news to us. 
, Church Militant, for being so faithful in getting news to us. 
C
CatholicFireman
Guest
God Bless you, Brother Jay.
T
tradcathconvert
Guest
Hail Mary x3 for Brother JR and the children.
H
Hmgbrd
Guest
Give me the strength to seek You, Lord, for You have already enabled me to find You and have given me hope of finding You ever more fully—The Trinity 15,51
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
M
maltmom
Guest
Happy Father’s Day Brother Jay! Thank you for your post. You are in my prayers.
T
tradcathconvert
Guest
Hail Mary x3 for Brother JR and the children.
A
Avila123
Guest
Dear Brother Jay,
You are still in my daily prayers. May God bless and sustain you.
You are still in my daily prayers. May God bless and sustain you.
J
jeannetherese
Guest
Re: Brother JR: are you/is he OK? And a thank you
Originally Posted by JREducation
I don’t pray that I recover. Thought that would be nice too. I’m ready to leave, if I have to. I received the Sacrament of the Sick and the Holy Eucharist tonight.
I pray for several other intentions.
Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb: Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Praying for you, all children, your brothers and your intentions brother. May God bless you and keep you.
Amen.
Originally Posted by JREducation
I don’t pray that I recover. Thought that would be nice too. I’m ready to leave, if I have to. I received the Sacrament of the Sick and the Holy Eucharist tonight.
I pray for several other intentions.
- Always the grace to cheerfully accept the will of God.
- The grace to set a good example for others who suffer.
- That when I leave this world, my example of faith remain alive in my son and daughter.
- The my Franciscans of Life will persevere in proclaiming the Gospel of Life to the voiceless long after I’ve gone.
- When I get to heaven, I be granted the honor of becoming a special advocate for single and widowed dads.
Amen.
Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb: Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Praying for you, all children, your brothers and your intentions brother. May God bless you and keep you.
Amen.
H
Hmgbrd
Guest
Lord hear our prayer for Brother JR.
*
O God, come to me in Your kindness. For You are the good and the beautiful, in Whom, by Whom, and through Whom all things are good and beautiful. --Soliloquies 1,1 S. Augustine*
:harp:
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
:harp:
*
O God, come to me in Your kindness. For You are the good and the beautiful, in Whom, by Whom, and through Whom all things are good and beautiful. --Soliloquies 1,1 S. Augustine*
:harp:
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
:harp:
T
tradcathconvert
Guest
Hail Mary x3 for Brother JR and the children.
J
JReducation
Guest
My dearest brothers and sisters:
It’s late at night. Since my sleep cycle is rather irregular, probably due to the different meds that I take, I’m wide awake. I thought I’d stop in and say hello and put you up to speed.
First of all, the doctors have completed another battery of tests and scans and they finally have a name for my medical condition. I’m actually happy about this, because we’ve been working with symptoms. Knowing that you have X is better than having A, B, C, D, and E symptoms and not knowing why, but only that they are killing you.
Am I going to die? Well, the answer to that is “Yes”. We’re all going to die. Am I going to die this week or anytime soon? According to my diagnosis, my condition can be slowed down by proper medication and some changes in lifestyle. It cannot be cured. In simple terms, my illness is terminal. However, the timeframe is unpredictable. It can be anything from five days to five years. They told me that most people with my illness have a five-year mortality rate, at most that is, unless I do something really “smart” like jump in front of a moving train or some such thing.
Please be happy with me and for me. Knowing that you’re terminally ill is not bad at all. I’m kind of “enjoying” it. Observe quotation marks. It’s good to know that you are running out of time. I think it’s a special grace that God gives some people. It allows us to get ready. I have many sins for which I have to atone. There are so many that I have to purge in this world or in purgatory. I’d rather do it here. So, I’ve place my life and my soul in the hands of the Immaculate and I pray to her every day that she will show me what I have to do to get ready for the big day. In return, she gives me great peace and greater joy.
I’m finding that I’m laughing more. Things that once upon a time got under my skin are no longer important. They seem so silly in the grand scheme of things. I’ll give you an example. I attended mass at the local parish. We like to attend mass with the people in our neighborhood rather than having a conventual mass on Sundays. The deacon who preached for Corpus Christi was horrible. Normally I would not make such a comment. I’d keep my opinions to myself. But the brothers noticed some glaring theological mistakes and they looked over at me, being the “senior” theologian in the group. I just rolled my eyes.
In the past, I would have been very upset and that would have distracted me during the entire mass. I would have spent the entire mass thinking about what he said wrong and how he could have said it, etc etc. You know the drill.
Today was completely different. I simply rolled my eyes, smiled at the brothers, nodded in acknowledgement of their looks and went back to my meditation on Corpus Christi until the homily was over. The mass continued and I was so totally absorbed in the rest of the mass, that I did not think about the homily until we were in the car going home and someone brought it up. Even then, I was not rattled at all. I simply told the brothers that this and that was incorrect. I pointed out that the deacon probably meant to say or should have said this other thing, because the way he said it can confuse people. However, I also told the brothers that it was over and done with. The sermon is the pastor’s responsibility, not mine and I’m not going to surrender my inner peace to the enemy. He would like nothing better than to see me obsess over this all day long, get angry, not pay attention to the rest of the mass, say horrible things about the preacher and worse. As far as I’m concerned, the enemy is an idiot and I’m not falling into that trap. My interior silence is precious to me. If I ever have the opportunity to chat with the deacon, I may politely ask about his homily and what he meant when he said, A, B, and C. Depending on his response, I can clarify where he is wrong or I can suggest a better way of saying what he wanted to say. But that day is not today. For today, I’m happy to be alive and happy to have attended a beautiful mass and received the most Holy Body and Blood of Christ in Holy Communion. What better can I ask for?
I may have mentioned before that we have several new men coming into our community. One of the novices told me today that he’s leaving. St. Francis does not inspire him. I’m very happy for him. It’s a special grace when you know where you belong or where you don’t belong. Of course, I will miss the young man. We all miss our friends. But there is such a joy knowing that he is at peace with his decision. It makes me feel warm inside knowing that somehow we played a part in helping him find a piece of the answers that he’s looking for. At least he found out where he does not belong. That’s a beginning. God starts us off at different points. Some people discover their niche immediately and other people have to try different niches, like buying shoes. God works differently on us, because we’re so unique. He made us unique. He knows that one size doesn’t fit all. The spiritual journey of each of us is going to be tailor made by God just for us. This is the way that I feel about my health, my place in the community and my place in our apostolate.
I have to pull back, but not because of weakness. I have to pull back because my Divine Tailor has put together a journey for me that is not what I wanted, but it is what I need. I always say, God loves us so much and he wants nothing more than to save our sorry butts that he does cartwheels to save us. This can mean tailor making our journey through history.
Sorry for such a long post. That’s what’s happening now. I’ll try to stay in touch either directly or via Church Militant, my very best friend.
It’s late at night. Since my sleep cycle is rather irregular, probably due to the different meds that I take, I’m wide awake. I thought I’d stop in and say hello and put you up to speed.
First of all, the doctors have completed another battery of tests and scans and they finally have a name for my medical condition. I’m actually happy about this, because we’ve been working with symptoms. Knowing that you have X is better than having A, B, C, D, and E symptoms and not knowing why, but only that they are killing you.
Am I going to die? Well, the answer to that is “Yes”. We’re all going to die. Am I going to die this week or anytime soon? According to my diagnosis, my condition can be slowed down by proper medication and some changes in lifestyle. It cannot be cured. In simple terms, my illness is terminal. However, the timeframe is unpredictable. It can be anything from five days to five years. They told me that most people with my illness have a five-year mortality rate, at most that is, unless I do something really “smart” like jump in front of a moving train or some such thing.
Please be happy with me and for me. Knowing that you’re terminally ill is not bad at all. I’m kind of “enjoying” it. Observe quotation marks. It’s good to know that you are running out of time. I think it’s a special grace that God gives some people. It allows us to get ready. I have many sins for which I have to atone. There are so many that I have to purge in this world or in purgatory. I’d rather do it here. So, I’ve place my life and my soul in the hands of the Immaculate and I pray to her every day that she will show me what I have to do to get ready for the big day. In return, she gives me great peace and greater joy.
I’m finding that I’m laughing more. Things that once upon a time got under my skin are no longer important. They seem so silly in the grand scheme of things. I’ll give you an example. I attended mass at the local parish. We like to attend mass with the people in our neighborhood rather than having a conventual mass on Sundays. The deacon who preached for Corpus Christi was horrible. Normally I would not make such a comment. I’d keep my opinions to myself. But the brothers noticed some glaring theological mistakes and they looked over at me, being the “senior” theologian in the group. I just rolled my eyes.
In the past, I would have been very upset and that would have distracted me during the entire mass. I would have spent the entire mass thinking about what he said wrong and how he could have said it, etc etc. You know the drill.
Today was completely different. I simply rolled my eyes, smiled at the brothers, nodded in acknowledgement of their looks and went back to my meditation on Corpus Christi until the homily was over. The mass continued and I was so totally absorbed in the rest of the mass, that I did not think about the homily until we were in the car going home and someone brought it up. Even then, I was not rattled at all. I simply told the brothers that this and that was incorrect. I pointed out that the deacon probably meant to say or should have said this other thing, because the way he said it can confuse people. However, I also told the brothers that it was over and done with. The sermon is the pastor’s responsibility, not mine and I’m not going to surrender my inner peace to the enemy. He would like nothing better than to see me obsess over this all day long, get angry, not pay attention to the rest of the mass, say horrible things about the preacher and worse. As far as I’m concerned, the enemy is an idiot and I’m not falling into that trap. My interior silence is precious to me. If I ever have the opportunity to chat with the deacon, I may politely ask about his homily and what he meant when he said, A, B, and C. Depending on his response, I can clarify where he is wrong or I can suggest a better way of saying what he wanted to say. But that day is not today. For today, I’m happy to be alive and happy to have attended a beautiful mass and received the most Holy Body and Blood of Christ in Holy Communion. What better can I ask for?
I may have mentioned before that we have several new men coming into our community. One of the novices told me today that he’s leaving. St. Francis does not inspire him. I’m very happy for him. It’s a special grace when you know where you belong or where you don’t belong. Of course, I will miss the young man. We all miss our friends. But there is such a joy knowing that he is at peace with his decision. It makes me feel warm inside knowing that somehow we played a part in helping him find a piece of the answers that he’s looking for. At least he found out where he does not belong. That’s a beginning. God starts us off at different points. Some people discover their niche immediately and other people have to try different niches, like buying shoes. God works differently on us, because we’re so unique. He made us unique. He knows that one size doesn’t fit all. The spiritual journey of each of us is going to be tailor made by God just for us. This is the way that I feel about my health, my place in the community and my place in our apostolate.
I have to pull back, but not because of weakness. I have to pull back because my Divine Tailor has put together a journey for me that is not what I wanted, but it is what I need. I always say, God loves us so much and he wants nothing more than to save our sorry butts that he does cartwheels to save us. This can mean tailor making our journey through history.
Sorry for such a long post. That’s what’s happening now. I’ll try to stay in touch either directly or via Church Militant, my very best friend.
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