Building a wall

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Jump4Joy said:
I think he is too sensitive, stubborn and immature. Shouldn’t every adult want to improve? If we disagree, he won’t talk to me for days. It is simple. If what I’m saying is wrong, then ignore it instead of becoming angry, if I’m right then accept the truth. Why get emotional?
As a humble mature adult, it may such someone is telling you the truth in the way you may not like or it may suck in general you have bad qualities, we should accept the truth about ourselves regardless of
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We can only know you and your side from this post here, but I have to wonder if YOU are open to criticism. If my question or our feedback bothers you, and what you are saying is true, it kind of sounds like what we have here is two peas in a pod. In other words, you two friends are both a bit stubborn.

We all have our shortcomings. We, especially friends, have to accept each other as who we are at that moment. If you try to force change in someone who is not ready to change, they are just going to dig in. If you really care about this person, give them the space and time to evolve on their own in their own time. I think you need to apologize to this person, and sit down and do some serious self examination.

I hope you don’t take this as ME picking on you, but you said you value the truth, this is how it is all coming across. Love him as he is, not how you want him to be. He has free will just like the rest of us. Men mature late, some much later than others, and some never completely. You need to accept this.
 
Jump4Joy said:
No, it is annoying dealing with someone who is stuck. Life goes on. He’ll never learn to tolerate the reality. He is male. In his 20s
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Ahhh, I missed this. I didn’t really mature util my 40s. It was not until then that I considered myself as a responsible adult. Many men are like this. If he is a male in his 20s, he is still a boy, a young man, in between. That is just how it is.
 
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I am giving tough love so he can deal with reality. He called me self righteous.
 
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joeybaggz said:
I get the idea this may be a young man you are romantically interested in.
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If that’s the case, the OP needs to face the reality that a marriage between them has next to zero chance of working out.

She should hop back on her horse and go off in pursuit of a more realistic candidate.
 
He’s doesn’t see my brutal honesty as care or concern just as unnecessary criticism. He gets so mad.
 
AndrewAxland said:
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joeybaggz:
I get the idea this may be a young man you are romantically interested in.
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If that’s the case, the OP needs to face the reality that a marriage between them has next to zero chance of working out.

She should hop back on her horse and go off in pursuit of a more realistic candidate.
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Agreed!..
 
Jump, don’t take this the wrong way, but you are just like him. Just. Like. Him.

You have made thread, after thread, after thread, on the “new” CAF, and the old, saying much the same thing. Wanting to know why people won’t change, but you don’t change. Asking the same kinds of questions, and then never taking any advice that is offered.

You really need to stop comparing people, or trying to change them, or better them. Just love them for who they are, or let them go. Move on from people, and if they are family, learn to control your words and keep them to yourself.
 
Jump4Joy said:
He has told me if I think he’s that bad I should leave him.a
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Joy, I know from what you have written that this young man is important to you. But even he is telling you to move on. As other posters have said, any future with someone with his attitude will be an emotional disaster.
I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but again, move on.

You know there is one old saying that might shed a little light. It is old and hackneyed but, “if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn’t it never was.” And in this case, if it does want to come back, you need to set the terms. Don’t accept the, I’ll change. Make him prove it.
Shalom
 
He has no right to hate me for wanting him to improve. It’s unethical. He told me he has never wanted me to change and it hurts
 
He told me he’s upset I wanted him to change and that he accepts for who I am and why cant I do the same. He thinks im too critical, controlling but I’m showing concern
 
I hope that’s not the case. Isn’t our duty as Christians to call out bad behavior?
 
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Jump4Joy said:
He has no right to hate me for wanting him to improve. It’s unethical. He told me he has never wanted me to change and it hurts
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Maybe not a right, but it is his life and he will live it as he sees it. And, from what you’ve written here, it is starting to sound like he is rebelling at the thought of your being a bit over controlling???
Jump4Joy said:
He told me he’s upset I wanted him to change and that he accepts for who I am and why cant I do the same. He thinks im too critical, controlling but I’m showing concern
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AndrewAxland said:
Actually, based on what you have written here, you might consider the possibility that he is correct. That is the impression I’ve got.
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You call it concern, I think the fellow you are describing is sounding like his perception is not concern, but control or manipulation?? What Andrew says above is sounding like it contains more than a grain of truth.
Jump4Joy said:
hope that’s not the case. Isn’t our duty as Christians to call out bad behavior?
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Yes, but do it judiciously. Don’t you know what you mean by bad behavior, but I think you and he have a different take on what is bad behavior. Something definitely sinful, you’re right, something concerning one’s, oh say, personality, that’s a horse of a different color.
Again, peace (and it’s 11:30 here, I’m going to bed, goodnight)
 
Jump4Joy said:
He has no right to hate me for wanting him to improve.
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You think you can not only constantly criticize him and tear him down, but also tell him how he’s allowed to feel about it?
He has EVERY right to his own feelings. You may not agree with them, but you can’t tell someone not to object to being constantly criticized and torn down.

I hope he has some actual friends to support him through this.
 
There are several writings on how to be gentle in delivering truth, and the virtue of temperance in doing so. The world reflects back to you what you put forth.

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Say nothing but make it obvious you’re there just in case he wants to share something. When someone shuts himself up the worst you can do is pressure them to talk. Remember it is something hurting him not you so the only comfort you can give him is silence and availability.
 
It sounds like for whatever reason you are giving this individual some “tough love” by telling them blunt truths (as you see it) about themself.

Whenever you do that with a person, you need to be prepared to take the consequences that they may react badly, by saying “You’re wrong”, telling you all the things that are wrong with yourself, getting angry at you, or cutting you off and not speaking to you. This person’s reaction sounds like you should have expected it. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but it’s a lesson to you for the future that people do not like or appreciate having their shortcomings pointed out.

You also have to accept the possibility that you could be making a wrong judgment.
 
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