Continued from the post before this.
Annie39:
I’m one of those other posters so I would like to comment on the above statement. If she is married to a man rather than a boy she should not have to demand anything. This man would know that scripture demands something from him “Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church, and delivered himself up for it:”
I don’t disagree with this at all, I’m just stressing the importance mutual self-sacrifice. If this hobby is as dangerous as you’re all saying, then he should quit - but at the same time, his wife has her part in this as well.
To give you an example from my own life: my wife has an over-eating problem. The vast majority of the time she is OK and she eats somewhat normally, but every so often she will have trouble handling stress or sadness or whatever. When that happens, she begins gorging herself in a very unhealthy way: downing boxes of cookies and bags of chips, etc. like there’s no tomorrow. As my wife, does she have a tremendous responsibility to me (and our yet to be conceived children, God willing) to take care of herself? Of course.
So I have to step in and tell her to stop. The way I’m hearing you (and I could be mistaken), it sounds like you would say she’s being selfish and irresponsible and she needs to “woman up” and just stop the activity. I don’t disagree with you, for the most part.
But in my role as her husband, isn’t there something else for me to do? I think there is. What I tend to do in these situations is politely (and sweetly) ask her to take a break from snacking temporarily to talk to me. More often than not, she is amenable to this. So we talk. Turns out she’s stressed. “Oh, why are you stressed?” I listen. If there’s a reasonable action I can do to help her with that feeling, I do it. Otherwise, I’ll say, "Hey, I think you could use a massage or a warm bubble bath, etc. (I’ll name a few things.)
“What do you think about that?” “Oh boy, a massage sounds great!” So I give her a massage. Maybe during the massage she talks about what’s going on, and I listen and comfort her. You know what? 9 times out of 10, she doesn’t dive right back into the cookie jar.
Yes, what she was doing was wrong… but no, I am not snatching the cookies from her and telling her to “woman up and do your wifely duties!”, I am instead re-directing her in a positive way through the love of a husband.
And though I do not struggle with overeating, she does something similar for me to help me through my weaknesses.
So should he quit? Yeah, if the hobby is as dangerous as it’s been made out to be then of course! It would be reckless not to stop. What’s the best earthly way to help him? Telling him? I don’t think so. How about
the love and compassion of his wonderful wife? Sounds like a great start!
There’s obviously something for him in this—whether it’s the down-time, whether it’s the family connection, whatever it is–there’s something that he’s gaining out of this. Something that will feel like a loss if it is stripped from him. Perhaps instead of stripping it from him, we can re-direct him in a more positive way? Maybe that means inviting the brother over for dinner an extra time per month instead of engaging in this hobby. Maybe it means more date nights. Maybe he can play pool or shoot hoops with the boys instead of the racing.
I’m not saying it will be easy, but I do think it’s a better approach.
Honestly, too, and this is not to take a jab at you but I don’t think the OP is nearly as negative about her husband as you’re making her out to be. Let’s see if she can work a wifely miracle.
He actually doesn’t have time for 4.5 days away from family responsibilities.
Eh. Here’s where I disagree with you the most. With the caveat that the OP seems to be saying the number is higher than 4.5 days now, but we’ll wait for her to throw out a specific number if she can (hard for her to calculate, I’m sure.)
But working with the 4.5 days number for a moment, I think that’s beyond reasonable. Look, my oldest brother has 9 kids, all under the age of 17. God bless him and his wife. 9 wonderful kids. He busts it to support all of them. (Likewise, she’s a housewife, and thus she busts it to keep the house from falling down!) Yet, my brother still manages to make his weekly Wednesday night indoor soccer game 35 weeks a year, or so, and still spends most of the other weeknights and the weekends with the family. Even at only 4 hours a pop, that still adds up to more than 4.5 waking days, I’d guess. His wife sings 3 masses with the Church choir on most Sundays and goes to practice for that for an hour most weeks, so she’s probably way above his number even.
Now, I’m not saying everyone should be like my brother. Lord have mercy if that were the case. All I’m saying is that it
CAN work quite well, since I’ve seen it work quite well!
Every couple has to work this out for themselves based on the context of their lives, but yes, I think it’s reasonable and even more than that: I’d say it’s
advisable!
Where I will agree with you,
in a sense, is that in the context of the relationship the OP describes, it might be a problem
currently, because the wife is, by her own reckoning, “burned out.” So they have to come together to figure out how she can avoid the burn out, and I think the remedy should also allow him to keep that time that has to himself.***
***Well, at least the amount of time hinted at in the original post, with OP’s elaboration on this matter, that amount of time may or may not need to be reduced.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my fingers are tired!
Does your husband drink at all? Does he drink more when he is with his brother? Was this near-fatal accident of his brother’s on the track, or just in regular driving? This is not good.
) There is zero stigma with going on a Marriage Encounter weekend; very healthy couples do it all the time, and they come back all glowing and happy and pleased with themselves.
)