But the wait is killing us!

[Blue_Serenity]

Hi all.

I’ve posted on these boards before with relationship questions. Before, my boyfriend of almost two years and I were seeking advice/info on getting married during college. This question is along the same lines, though different, as I believe we’ve matured in our relationship since then.

Basically, we have discerned that God has blessed us with love and is calling us to marriage. We have always known that the ‘acceptable’ thing (according to our parents and society) would be to wait to get married until after we graduate from college in 2009. This summer we began to question that, but after some investigation basically came to the conclusion that getting married after junior year would be financially impossible without going into debt. We resigned ourselves to that, and decided to wait on getting married until after graduation once more, and decided even to wait on engagement, because we’ve always been advised against long ones.

We’re now re-thinking that.

As far as our hearts and minds are concerned, we’re already engaged (I’m just missing a ring ). It seems that our families and friends acknowledge this, joking about what ring he’ll pick out, and assuming in conversation that we’ll be married ‘eventually’.

That said, any warning folks have against long engagements seems to already apply to us. I’ve given advice on this board before that young couples seeking chastity should try to grow in emotional and spiritual intimacy, rather than physical intimacy. But what we’re finding is that they are all together a natural progression. Growing so close emotionally and spiritually naturally draws us to desire physical closeness. I don’t mean that we’re just desiring the sexual married love which we’ve learned about together via JP II and Christopher West, but more yearning for a life together, sharing a home, our time, and so many experiences. It becomes harder and harder to imagine the next two and a half or so years apart.

At this point we’ve really decided that all we can do is completely surrender our relationship to God’s will… but we’ll have to discern what that is, exactly . Could He be calling us to reconsider our (human) timeline?

I’m sure some of you engaged and married couples out there have dealt with these same ideas/feelings. How did you deal with long engagements? (Heck, how long was your engagement/did you know your husband or wife before you married?) Should we really just be patient and do what we know is practical and acceptable to most people’s standards? Or is this a sign that God is calling us to a different path… after all, I believe one of Paul’s Epistles calls us to never conform to the present age.

Any responses would be much appreciated

It sounds to me like a pretty distinct call to marriage. By the way, debt is inevitable, especially with newly weds. I’ve been married for five years and we have two beautiful boys (ages 3 and 1) and we’re just now starting to surface from debt. Your financial situation is something that you and your spouse have to work out together. Live within your means and don’t do any unnecessary spending. If you’re both in college, you’ll have student loans to repay anyways, right?
Plus, if you’re married and in college, you’ll be able to apply for more financial aide, as you won’t be dependents of your parents anymore.
If you want my advice, I say go for it and take the plunge! It sounds like God is giving you a pretty good sign that it’s meant to be.
Good luck!!!

 

[Rach620]

There are many here who are examples that they married young and have made it successfully. There are also far more people out there that have married young and not made it. The divorce rates will prove that out.

As a parent, I am not a fan of marrying young ( and my opinion of young is under 30 - yeah…I know but I like my opinion)

I know we’re really young and quite naive in a lot of ways, but I want to say one thing–slighty OT.

I have a Protestant friend. She’s been dating since she was 15, and practices abstinence (I’m not sure about her understanding of chastity, but I know she’s not planning on premarital sex.) She also plans on going to med school, and because of that has decided not to marry until she’s 30. So the several relationships she has had in her teen years and now early twenties are really destined for failure from the beginning.

No one in their right mind meets someone and dates them–while abstaining–for ten years, so all her relationships have ended after about a couple of years. That’s not healthy dating, it’s serial monogamy: sex or not, they’re both using one another for attention, emotional support, pleasure, etc. with no intention of allowing their relationship to progress as God intends.

She does this because her father was married during med school and divorced. Yes, a very valid reason to wait to get married–but if that’s your plan, don’t date so young.

I think it’s dangerous for any parent who desires chastity for their child to recommend that they wait so long to marry. Especially in our culture, it is so socially acceptable for 20-somethings to live together, or have anonymous sex, that I can’t imagine any person who has put marriage so far in the back of their minds for an entire decade will be able to live chastely with so many temptations around them.

As a young person in love and trying to live chastely, I am positive that it would be unhealthy for me to wait until i’m 30 to get married, and near impossible to do so without sinning against chastity. I’m human. Yes, it’s hard to marry young. But for a faithful young couple–why wait until 30 because the contracepting culture is causing the divorce rate to skyrocket?

::end rant:: and hopefully back to the topic at hand…

 

[lotusblossom]

The thing is–our question which we really want to talk to our priest about–why would God bring us together, allow us to grow so much in our relationship that we are positive we will be married ‘some day’–only for us to wait for years? Is there a reason we can’t see? (Here’s where the money comes in, for me… the whole logistics discussion is an important one, but everything mentioned here is nothing we haven’t though about many times before! If it’s financially impossible to marry in school, then I understand that we can’t do it.)

Rach,

I’d say that none of us can answer that question. God’s timing is not always ours, but sometimes it’s earlier than we expect, sometimes later, and there’s always a reason for it.

You will be going against the odds if you so choose to get married during school, but I would also venture to say you’re going against the odds by getting married in general. Older age is no guaruntee of success. You both sound like mature people, so I doubt a few years (or ten) is going to make you any more prepared for marriage itself.

Financially speaking, I got married right outside of college and both my husband and I are in serious debt due to our decisions to go to a private university with minimal funding. There’s no guaruntee that you’ll ever be completely financially sound. My parents started out debt-free in their marriage, both having great jobs and really doing well. Then came along many circumstances and decisions where money was not in abundance (ie. losing money on houses they’ve had to sell, moving to different locations for Catholic schooling, taking major pay-cuts to live near family) and many years later, my parents claimed bankruptcy. Now, they’re finally getting back on their feet and that is partially due to their two oldest no longer needing their financial assistance (my sis and me). They’ve always depended on God to provide and He always has (including paying for my entire wedding!). While I’d be wise about finances (which it sounds like you both are), it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be a problem anyway.

I’d definitely talk to your priest and see what he has to say. Ultimately, it is you and your boyfriend’s discernment.

 

[kage_ar]

While it bucks the current “American Dream”, there is nothing wrong with getting married young, living in a small apartment or even (gasp) with family, working hard, going to school part time, driving a used car, eating mac and cheese, saving up and having a happy marriage!

 

[jrabs]

I have a Protestant friend. She’s been dating since she was 15, and practices abstinence (I’m not sure about her understanding of chastity, but I know she’s not planning on premarital sex.) She also plans on going to med school, and because of that has decided not to marry until she’s 30. So the several relationships she has had in her teen years and now early twenties are really destined for failure from the beginning.

Whether she meets this goal or not will be unraveled in time. There is nothing sinful or wrong in dating people for companionship and company. God may need her skills as a physician and that may be her calling. We have no idea what the future brings and if she is listening to God’s will, then she will go where that takes her.

No one in their right mind meets someone and dates them–while abstaining–for ten years, so all her relationships have ended after about a couple of years. That’s not healthy dating, it’s serial monogamy: sex or not, they’re both using one another for attention, emotional support, pleasure, etc. with no intention of allowing their relationship to progress as God intends.

This may not be what you plan for your life, but for your friend, it may be the correct path.

And yes, there are virgins past the 30 yr old mark.

She does this because her father was married during med school and divorced. Yes, a very valid reason to wait to get married–but if that’s your plan, don’t date so young.

I think it’s dangerous for any parent who desires chastity for their child to recommend that they wait so long to marry. Especially in our culture, it is so socially acceptable for 20-somethings to live together, or have anonymous sex, that I can’t imagine any person who has put marriage so far in the back of their minds for an entire decade will be able to live chastely with so many temptations around them.

As I think it is equally dangerous to encourage young people to marry as a point of trying to avoid those temptations. We don’t marry to have sex ( at least I hope we don’t). We marry when we are ready, emotionally.

I am still called to chastity in my 40’s. Why is that a horrible thing? We are not animals just to live for sex. We are people of character, living for God’s purpose.

As a young person in love and trying to live chastely, I am positive that it would be unhealthy for me to wait until I’m 30 to get married, and near impossible to do so without sinning against chastity. I’m human. Yes, it’s hard to marry young. But for a faithful young couple–why wait until 30 because the contracepting culture is causing the divorce rate to skyrocket?

Sadly the contracepting culture has a hand, but immaturity also has it’s hand. There are a plethora of reasons why the divorce rate is high. Financial reasons, family pressures. To think that all will be well just because you plan on using NFP is also not very realistic.

::end rant:: and hopefully back to the topic at hand…

It’s really not off topic. The question is why wait?

I like the idea of waiting as long as possible. If my young 20 something son approached me with plans of marrying, I’m would not be thrilled.

I am a much different person now than I was in my early 20’s (college age). I don’t even think the same as when I was younger.

While I completely realize that young folks do get married and some have success - like a few folks here on this forum, that is most often not the case. Emotional love does not conquer all - often a balance of maturity helps.

My parents got married when they were 18. Still married 50 years. God Bless them.

If you are getting married just to remain chaste, then I suggest that is not the reason why one should get married.

 

[Rach620]

Whether she meets this goal or not will be unraveled in time. There is nothing sinful or wrong in dating people for companionship and company. God may need her skills as a physician and that may be her calling. We have no idea what the future brings and if she is listening to God’s will, then she will go where that takes her.
…
This may not be what you plan for your life, but for your friend, it may be the correct path.

I don’t profess to know God’s plan for my friend’s life–I was using her as an example of the ‘serial monogamy’ which I know is not a healthy approach to relationships. I’m not talking about merely dating around–she has had several one to two year long exclusive relationships with different guys, all of which ended for various reasons. I believe there is something to be said for protecting one’s heart. From talking to her I know that she has problems trusting guys because of one of her break-ups. This isn’t just ‘fun’ dating–it’s making yourself emotionally vulnerable because you so desire that intimacy apart from its proper end in marriage. It’s not a good idea for anyone–it will make the complete gift of self in marriage a very difficult thing to understand.

As I think it is equally dangerous to encourage young people to marry as a point of trying to avoid those temptations. We don’t marry to have sex ( at least I hope we don’t). We marry when we are ready, emotionally.

I am still called to chastity in my 40’s. Why is that a horrible thing? We are not animals just to live for sex. We are people of character, living for God’s purpose.

If you are getting married just to remain chaste, then I suggest that is not the reason why one should get married.

No, we don’t marry to have sex (I never said such a thing). Nor do we marry when we are ‘emotionally ready’. Though that’s part of it, it’s certainly not all of it. We marry because we have discerned God’s call and, understanding that love is a complete gift of self rather than an emotional feeling, are ready to follow His will and begin a life together.

I have a weakness for the silly TV wedding shows–certainly all of those couples feel ‘emotionally ready’ to get hitched. But I can tell you that not all of them make it–that’s because the intellectual understanding of what marriage is and means isn’t there. Emotions don’t always indicate what is best for us. (FYI, Zahmir just grinned at that, realizing that his message to his gf that “the passions should never guide the intellect” finally hit home ).

At any rate, I know that chastity is a lifelong vocation–but there is really only so much you can expect of two people, who understand the virtue of chastity and the Church’s teaching on marriage and family life, who meet at a young age and love one another. Is your advice to me to wait another decade before I marry?

Sadly the contracepting culture has a hand, but immaturity also has it’s hand. There are a plethora of reasons why the divorce rate is high. Financial reasons, family pressures. To think that all will be well just because you plan on using NFP is also not very realistic.

All will be well because we will completely trust in God, and place our marriage and family in His hands. I cited the NFP stat just as an example–not an ironclad reason why we won’t meet challenges (I’m sure we will!). There is a complete difference of mindset between a faithful Catholic couple who marries sacramentally with an understanding of the purposes of married love, and two secular thirtysomethings who have careers and contracept. I know that it’s not all going to be peachy all the time–but with God’s help we can do it.

I am a much different person now than I was in my early 20’s (college age). I don’t even think the same as when I was younger.

That’s to be expected. I’m sure you don’t think the same as when you were 30, either. We grow and change throughout life, even in marriage. My bf and I have already grown so much together that we know there is a lot more in store for us–and are ready for that experience in marriage.

 

[jrabs]

This isn’t just ‘fun’ dating–it’s making yourself emotionally vulnerable because you so desire that intimacy apart from its proper end in marriage. It’s not a good idea for anyone–it will make the complete gift of self in marriage a very difficult thing to understand.

People date to discern if a particular person is right or they may date to have companionship. Unfortunately, you know someone who has been soured from dating. Just one case. When we seek healing through forgiveness as Christ encourages, then this should not be a barrier to a good marriage down the road when the correct person is found.

God also leads us to date various people for a reason. We may never know the reason. Those relationships may not end in marriage but will fulfill God’s plan.

No, we don’t marry to have sex (I never said such a thing). Nor do we marry when we are ‘emotionally ready’. Though that’s part of it, it’s certainly not all of it. We marry because we have discerned God’s call and, understanding that love is a complete gift of self rather than an emotional feeling, are ready to follow His will and begin a life together.

I am sorry. I should have clarified. By emotional preparedness, I meant solid emotional stability. To be emotionally strong enough to roll with the punches and abrupt changes that life tosses you. To know that love is a decision and not all emotional feeling.

It just appeared by your post that you were primarily highlighting the sexual side of society and waiting.

At any rate, I know that chastity is a lifelong vocation–but there is really only so much you can expect of two people, who understand the virtue of chastity and the Church’s teaching on marriage and family life, who meet at a young age and love one another. Is your advice to me to wait another decade before I marry?

No - I have no advice for you. I gave my opinion that I think it is often prudent to wait longer . What you decide is between you and your BF. I mentioned that some on the forum have positive loving examples to offer. Though they do not follow the stats.

All will be well because we will completely trust in God, and place our marriage and family in His hands. I cited the NFP stat just as an example–not an ironclad reason why we won’t meet challenges (I’m sure we will!). There is a complete difference of mindset between a faithful Catholic couple who marries sacramentally with an understanding of the purposes of married love, and two secular thirtysomethings who have careers and contracept. I know that it’s not all going to be peachy all the time–but with God’s help we can do it.

As with all things, if you follow God’s will, He will work it out.
And an additional note that people with careers can have a loving and blessed union as well.

Don’t be misled into thinking that only stay-at home moms are doing the will of God. St Gianna Molla would highly disagree as she was a working physician until her illness and death.

If your path is to marry young, then God bless and keep you close. But not all people will agree - you did ask for opinions, right?

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

The hospital bills without insurance are near $20000 for a healthy delivery.

Wow, that seems like a lot. That must be in your area. I have had both of my children without maternity coverage (we did not add maternity coverage to our insurance because it was so terrible it would cost us even more to have a baby with insurance) and although we had to prepay to get a discount, the hospital for a normal stay was 2500 (6300 without prepaying).

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Really, though, the question is how long ‘delaying gratification’ is feasible or even advisable. We completely understand the value of marital chastity, and with two years of chaste dating experience under our belts, we could at least survive periods of abstinence for NFP or other reasons. It gets to the point where we are just feeling as if this physical separation of living apart rather than sharing one life and one flesh is almost painful for us, and seems to almost retard the relationship. It’s not even gratification we’re looking for, purely, but the intimacy that we know is appropriate to married life–and that is certainly not only physical.

I think this is very important. I was engaged to my husband for 6 months and it seemed like an eternity. This is what comes to mind: Corinthians 7:2. But for fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife: and let every woman have her own husband 7:9. But if they do not contain themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to be burnt.
Dunno, just food for thought

 

[Rach620]

When we seek healing through forgiveness as Christ encourages, then this should not be a barrier to a good marriage down the road when the correct person is found.

Perhaps it won’t be, but my point was that it is not training her in behaviors which will be healthy to carry into marriage, even if she does learn to trust guys more. It’s like carrying a sexual past into marriage (though obviously not as grave). Emotional intimacy, along with whatever physical intimacy she is engaging in now, are not things which are easily forgotten. How much of oneself is left to give to another in marriage when so much has already been given away to others?

By emotional preparedness, I meant solid emotional stability. To be emotionally strong enough to roll with the punches and abrupt changes that life tosses you. To know that love is a decision and not all emotional feeling.

I agree that this understanding along with emotional stability are essential to marriage. What I don’t understand is how young people only attain that emotional maturity at 30. Personally, I think an even more important understanding is that we can never handle anything on our own, and are only able to deal with whatever “punches and abrupt changes that life tosses us” if we trust God. That understanding doesn’t always come with age, I don’t think.

I guess my real thought on this is that waiting so long to get married is just prolonging adolescence. I don’t see many opportunities for young adults to truly emotionally mature in our culture. I mean, a college education is now the norm, and many undergraduates prolong entering the ‘real world’ by running straight into grad school, or simply continue their pleasure-seeking life as they begin their career and live it up in the single life. Like serial monogamy, I don’t think this ‘arrested adolescence,’ as one of my profs called it, is really preparing anyone for the married life.

It just appeared by your post that you were primarily highlighting the sexual side of society and waiting.

Because I think it’s a very important thing to take into account. Chastity and self control are incredibly important virtues which all people are called to throughout their lives. But I honestly believe that it is dangerous to tell a person that they must live chastely but can’t look forward to marriage for another decade or so because they haven’t lived enough. Sadly I’d think most young people you tell that message to would run into the open arms of our sexually liberated society.

And an additional note that people with careers can have a loving and blessed union as well.

Don’t be misled into thinking that only stay-at home moms are doing the will of God. St Gianna Molla would highly disagree as she was a working physician until her illness and death.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give the impression that good married folk can’t have careers–how else are they to support themselves? I myself plan on having a career, and am trying to find a field that would also allow for flexibility when it comes to raising our future children.

My problem is with two single people who have built up their own careers with themselves in mind attempting to come together in the middle of it all. I know it can be done, but living so long without valuing another’s well being over oneself, and then getting married, constitutes a major re-orientation of one’s mindset. And often, young adults who have their first jobs are living the single life, making and spending tens of thousands of dollars on themselves, rather than having a definite direction for themselves and their careers. I’ve seen it happen. Especially twentysomething guys–they seem to need the direction a wife and family provide

If your path is to marry young, then God bless and keep you close. But not all people will agree - you did ask for opinions, right?

Yes, I did. And I really value what you’ve said, jrabs. All are important things to think about.

 

[maria29]

Wow, that seems like a lot. That must be in your area. I have had both of my children without maternity coverage (we did not add maternity coverage to our insurance because it was so terrible it would cost us even more to have a baby with insurance) and although we had to prepay to get a discount, the hospital for a normal stay was 2500 (6300 without prepaying).

**Nope PA is the same as is Oregon (where my sister inlaw just had her baby) Mine was $25,000 and our sons was $12,000 for a normal stay.

Thank God for Aetna!!!**

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

please take this as my personal opinion, probably comes from personal experience and observation, and not any kind of church teaching or recommendation.

I think there are some or even most couples, as long as their dating history has not been corrupted by too early casual sexual activity who do know within a reasonable time, 6 months to a year, when they have met the person they are going to marry and spend a lifetime with. When love is allowed to proceed, and intimacy develop on the schedule God intends, and not short-circuited by early sexual expression, those couples are ready for marriage in a year or two, and it is folly to wait…

I couldn’t have said it better myself. So I will just nod my head in agreement. :yup: Especially the part about the Cecil B. DeMille/ LukasFilm wedding productions!! The money spent on some weddings could fund the folks retirement in old age, and start a fund for a down payment on a house!!

 

[maria29]

Hi all.

I’ve posted on these boards before with relationship questions. Before, my boyfriend of almost two years and I were seeking advice/info on getting married during college. This question is along the same lines, though different, as I believe we’ve matured in our relationship since then.

Basically, we have discerned that God has blessed us with love and is calling us to marriage. We have always known that the ‘acceptable’ thing (according to our parents and society) would be to wait to get married until after we graduate from college in 2009. This summer we began to question that, but after some investigation basically came to the conclusion that getting married after junior year would be financially impossible without going into debt. We resigned ourselves to that, and decided to wait on getting married until after graduation once more, and decided even to wait on engagement, because we’ve always been advised against long ones.

We’re now re-thinking that.

As far as our hearts and minds are concerned, we’re already engaged (I’m just missing a ring ). It seems that our families and friends acknowledge this, joking about what ring he’ll pick out, and assuming in conversation that we’ll be married ‘eventually’.

That said, any warning folks have against long engagements seems to already apply to us. I’ve given advice on this board before that young couples seeking chastity should try to grow in emotional and spiritual intimacy, rather than physical intimacy. But what we’re finding is that they are all together a natural progression. Growing so close emotionally and spiritually naturally draws us to desire physical closeness. I don’t mean that we’re just desiring the sexual married love which we’ve learned about together via JP II and Christopher West, but more yearning for a life together, sharing a home, our time, and so many experiences. It becomes harder and harder to imagine the next two and a half or so years apart.

At this point we’ve really decided that all we can do is completely surrender our relationship to God’s will… but we’ll have to discern what that is, exactly . Could He be calling us to reconsider our (human) timeline?

I’m sure some of you engaged and married couples out there have dealt with these same ideas/feelings. How did you deal with long engagements? (Heck, how long was your engagement/did you know your husband or wife before you married?) Should we really just be patient and do what we know is practical and acceptable to most people’s standards? Or is this a sign that God is calling us to a different path… after all, I believe one of Paul’s Epistles calls us to never conform to the present age.

Any responses would be much appreciated

**I transfered to the university where I met my husband in Fall of 2000. We were engaged by August 2001. He graduated with a masters in the spring of 2001. I still had 2 years left. We made the decision to not get married while i was in school for the following reasons

1. He could work fulltime and help me pay college expenses
   so i wouldn’t have to take out more loans, but if we got married no longer would i be a dependant and i would get WAY less financial aid. Because my parents had declared bankruptcy i was eligible for certain loan programs that some people are eligible for and this would have been discontinued if we got married.

2, My major required me to spend many hours in the lab and i wouldn’t get home till 3, 4 or 5 in the morning. This wasn’t a once in awhile thing either it was almost every night. We both felt this would be a strain on a beginning marriage.

I graduated in May 2003 and we got married in June 2003. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me that we waited to get married. I have never regretted it for an instant. I know y’all don’t want to hear about the financial but perhaps that could be God’s way of showing you its feasible or not. **

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

While it bucks the current “American Dream”, there is nothing wrong with getting married young, living in a small apartment or even (gasp) with family, working hard, going to school part time, driving a used car, eating mac and cheese, saving up and having a happy marriage!

That used to be the American Dream, that kids got out on their own in the wilderness (see some apartment complexes if you don’t think wilderness still exists) and did it on their own. Weddings did not take more than six months to plan, because they weren’t star-staged extravaganzas.

And I’m here to tell ya a person can do a lot of tasty things with a box of mac n cheese! In other words, marriage is what you put into it, even when it’s “mac n cheese” time.

 

[bree12]

I’m sure some of you engaged and married couples out there have dealt with these same ideas/feelings. How did you deal with long engagements? (Heck, how long was your engagement/did you know your husband or wife before you married?) Should we really just be patient and do what we know is practical and acceptable to most people’s standards? Or is this a sign that God is calling us to a different path… after all, I believe one of Paul’s Epistles calls us to never conform to the present age.

I’m mostly a lurker, so I hope you don’t mind me jumping in and sharing my story. My husband and I dated for just over 5 years during college and graduate school before we got married (we were officially engaged for the final year of those 5 years - my husband is categorically opposed to long engagements), and we’ve been married now for 2 1/2 years. We knew we were going to get married and have a family within a few months of dating (well, I knew it when we were just friends before we started dating ). I’m not going to say it was easy to wait until we got married to have physical intimacy or more importantly, just live together and share a life during school, especially when we knew that was where our life was headed, but it was certainly doable and definitely worth the wait. I think just knowing that we would get married (and we had a timeframe in mind for when we would get married, even though it was almost 5 years off when we set it) made things easier. It was a difficult time and in some ways, it felt like our life was on hold.

For us, practicality had to come first. Finances were the big thing that held us back, I will readily admit. We met during undergrad and then we both went on to graduate school. Although we both had full tuition scholarships to undergrad, we had to take out student loans for grad school. We just couldn’t make enough money as students with loans to be able to support ourselves and a family, plus pay for health insurance as we would have been booted off our parents’ plans. We got married a few weeks after my husband graduated from law school. I was working full-time by then but did not have health insurance through my job, and my husband’s job didn’t start for a few months after that. We had to pay out of pocket for health insurance. (As an aside, please, please do not discount how expensive even the most basic plan is when you are purchasing for yourself and your spouse directly from an insurance company and not through an employer. We were paying $700 a month for the two of us for a fairly simple plan, and fortunately, that was only for 3 months. Maybe you can get coverage through your university (many schools have plans for their students), but it may not apply to married couples.)

I know that emotionally we were ready for marriage within months of dating, but we were not capable of financially supporting a family as students. We now have a 20 month old daughter (we got pregnant after just 1 1/2 months of marriage), and by delaying marriage until we were ready to have a family, I feel like we were able to go right into the family life we wanted. Although sometimes I am discouraged by our student loan load, I am glad my degrees are out of the way, as I am a stay at home mom now. I already have the degree for my chosen field when I have to go back to work (hopefully when our daughter, and any future children we are blessed with, are teens or older). I feel like if we had gotten married while in school when we felt emotionally ready, we would have faced a number of issues. We would have not only had the increased financial burden of paying for health insurance and living expenses not covered by student loans (which would have diminished if we were no longer dependents), but I’m afraid that we might have spent the first few years of our marriage using NFP with a more or less contraceptive mentatilty rather than the openess to life that we have now, simply because it would have been very difficult to pay for a child’s expenses (for instance food, clothes, and health insurance plus allow me to stay home) with the little income we could have made as full-time students.

So, that’s our (long) story. I just wanted to give you the perspective of a relatively young couple (late twenties) who went through something somewhat similar. I know others may have done things differently (for instance, maybe left school or skipped grad school), but we felt that we did the best for ourselves and our futures by delaying marriage and getting all of our schooling out of the way first-]-]-]/-]/-]/-].

 

[mom2boyz]

It sounds like your mind is already made up. I think it would be prudent to speak with your parents to make sure that they are still willing to pay for college. This is one of your assumptions. IMO they have no obligation to pay for any of your expenses once you are married. If you are married then you are saying you are mature enough to take on adult obligations. These obligations include paying your own way. This happened to be my parents’ point of view. I see much value in this. This seems to me to be a “BIG” assumption. We all know what it means to assume something. It would seem that a big piece is still missing. At this point only your parents can provide it. Now as to why God might call you to wait. Oh let me count the reasons. But lets just say marriage is more about sacrificing one’s self for another. Maybe waiting has to do with learning more self sacrifice to prepare for whatever sacrificing you will have to do once you are married. Even married we don’t alway get what we yearn for and often we have to learn to do without from our spouse, but be able to love them anyway.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

**Nope PA is the same as is Oregon (where my sister inlaw just had her baby) Mine was $25,000 and our sons was $12,000 for a normal stay.

Thank God for Aetna!!!**

Oh my, that is good to know. So you are saying that a normal delivery without complications cost $25,000 without insurance? Wow, now I feel lucky mine was only $2,500 without insurance… I better look into the costs at different hospitals I may be living close to in the future. That is amazing!

BTW, to the OP, since people are giving you advice on insurance I thought I would add that before you get married you might want to look into what the maternity coverage is for the insurance you may have just so you know if you want to get it or not, and when you want to get it since if you decide to get it you have to do it at least a certain amount of days before concceiving (in our case it was 30, though we never got it).

 

[leonie]

Concerning maternity coverage: we had three of our babies at a time when we didn’t have health insurance. We went through a Catholic hospital that provided a clinic that charged on the basis of income.

Of course, medicaid in our state pays everything if you qualify.

 

[rayne89]

I’m not sure I’m qualified to give advice in your situation but here’s my two cents anyhow. I married pretty much out of highschool, to highschool sweety whom had just joined the military. You have much more going for you because your values and importance of faith are where they should be. We had to work that out over time and had great difficulties but I have no regrets marrying young. And while I don’t think I would encourage our daughter marry quite as young as I did, if she had found a good Catholic boy whom she truly loved I would have no objection to her marrying in her early twenties.

If you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and you are sure you and your fiance would sacrifice whatever it took to make your marriage work then get married. So may people say love will not keep a marriage together but they are talking of romantic love. Sacrificial love will keep a marriage together -the type of love written about in Corinthians.

We want our children to be chaste until marriage but we expect them put off marriage for years? What is worse to have debt or have sin?

We live modestly. We have had major finacial struggles at times. We’ve had major relationship struggles. But it will be 16 years in February and I wouldn’t change my decision. My husband is my bestfriend. We “grew up” together. And although maturity is definitely an asset in marriage I think waiting too long can be a mistake. People are much more used to independance, more set in their ways and not having to compromise. And fertility wanes something to consider if you plan for a large family.

So much of our current attitudes toward marriage are influence by secular culture and materialism. You said you want to be comfortable but what does that mean? What one person finds comfortable another could find lavish or impoverished. Could you be happy with less than what you dream of? Just some things to consider.

 

[LynnieLew]

If you love him, if you pray together, if you know in your soul that this is God’s vocation for you, why wait?

The truth is that life if short and there is always an excuse to wait to get married. Finances, in-laws, jobs, school, etc.
My husband and I nothing when we got married. He lost his job 2 months before we were married, I was supposed to start a clinical program after I was done with my M.Ed. He married me despite an OBSCENE amount of college loans (and I mean obscene-which we will be paying for 40 years!) We had nothing but each other and our hope in our future together.

We got pregnant on our honeymoon and despite an uncomfortable financial situation we have been very joyous in our marriage. We are going on 7 years now and I am so blessed to be married to him.

The thing is that in order to deal with lifes curveballs, don’t you want to be fully committed with a spouse to get you through it? (Not saying that anyone who isn’t married can’t cope mind you ) There is just a beautiful and special grace you receive as a result of this Sacrament and it will assist you so much more than you can imagine.

Think about it! The water/heat/loan bills come in: Would you rather talk about it on the phone or be all snuggled in bed together making a game plan of how to deal with it? LOL

We too were chaste in our courtship and engagement and you certainly don’t have to tell me how difficult that is! I would literally have to push him out the door at times (and vice versa).

And, like you, I didn’t have an engagement ring at first either. His mother was all over him about that! Some people really didn’t think it was going to happen because he couldn’t get me a ring. But I did get one and I sincerely didn’t mind waiting.

Enough out of me! I always write too much late at night!

God Bless you!
LynnieLew