But the wait is killing us!

[Rach620]

Wow! So many responses! I’m really so grateful with everything you guys have had to say.

For the record, we haven’t made up our minds yet about our future at all. Though it’s nice to hear affirmations of what our hearts seem to be telling us (God speaks in mysterious ways!), what many of you have had to say about various issues is important.

The basic conclusion we keep coming back to, and which others on this forum are reinforcing, is that it’s not impossible–financially speaking–for us to get married during school (unless–and I realize it’s a huge unless–either set of our parents withdraws all their financial support for our schooling.) If it’s possible, and God is calling us so strongly, we believe that we must have a grave reason for not following His will ASAP.

So we’re discerning. Really (hint hint, Zahmir ) we cannot go much further in this process without an official engagement (he actually realizes that as well). Though our families and friends undoubtedly have all sorts of ideas/assumptions about our relationship, they’re not really aware of our current plans/thoughts. We know we need their support, and to be able to have candid conversations about particulars like those we’re having on this board.

One final thing–
As far as health insurance goes, since that is a hot button issue, we investigated this a few months ago and found that we both could get covered by our university’s plan for $1300 per person for the academic year. We could continue the policy for a few months if we had to until our company’s health insurance plans cover us for $166 per person per month. Among other things, it includes maternity coverage (prenatal testing/appointments, delivery and hospital stay for mommy and baby) if it’s needed. That detail has not been overlooked by us

 

[maria29]

Both of y’alls parents are paying for all of your college and expenses correct? So you are on NO financial aid whatsoever? The reason i ask is because you financial aid status will change if you get married…It maybe for the better only y’all know that.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

My boyfriend and I are in almost identicly the same situation. I know EXACTLY how you feel!

Here’s our story:
We’re at different universities, about a 3 hour drive apart. He cannot move from his university to mine, as mine doesn’t offer an engineering program. I might be able to survive at his university, but it’s in a large city that I hate, and it’s a large school, which I would also detest, and I ADORE my university. If I thought it would be helpful for our relationship to see each other every day, I would switch, but I don’t think it would, because it would only offer more opportunities for sexual temptation, something we’ve never had a problem with in the past year and a half of courting. It would distract us from our school work as well, especially when we’re used to long distance already.

He is going to try and get into a coop-program, which would enable him to earn some money and gain work experience in between terms. It would mean that he graduates a year later than me. We are currently aiming to get married just after I graduate, in 3 and a half years, but we have decided that 2 and a half years could be feasable, even if we had to live apart for the last year of school. I plan to have an appartment by then, and he could come down on weekends. (He lives with his grandmother currently, and will be living there until he graduates) We are waiting mainly because of money. You do need money to live on, to support children if they come along, etc. Even if you live as cheaply as possible, with no extravegances, you still need money. We just don’t have that right now. And if we do have children, I don’t want to be distracted with school. I want to be a mother, pure and simple, to them. His parents have 9 children, including him, and he has picked up a lot of info on how to use money from one small income to provide for a family, and I trust him when he says we wouldn’t have enough money. I have a feeling my parents would withdraw financial support for me if we planned to get married too soon.

As my bf will be finishing university without debt, and I will have some, and he will be the primary provider for our family, it is in his hands when we actually get engaged. He knows I want it to be as soon as feasable, and has told me not to worry about it. ^^ I trust him.

Good luck, keep praying about it! Talking to a priest is a super idea.

 

[WenckebachCath]

I just want to say something. This is why middle class and upper middle class young people are not marrying, not having children, etc. Most young people just fornicate anyways, I commend the OP for her values. But I question the larger cultural norm today that says that it is irresponsible to marry young. I believe this is a part of the culture of death, in a way.

Look at our Hispanic immigrants. They come to America penniless, yet they do not hesitate to marry and have children. They embrace life and family and follow the natural course of life to marry and have one.

Compare that to white middle class America. The culture condemns them for considering marriage, but rather pushes them to pursue their educational goals first. But, our bodies at that point in life are ready for mating, with hormones surging and birth control and abortion readily available. It’s only natural for young people to have sexual desires, it’s the way we are made. It’s asking a lot of most young people to stifle these desires for so many years. So we are setting them up to fail in this regard. And, we are not preparing them for a healthy married life.

Therefore I encourage this fine young couple to get married and face the uncertain future that we all share together. Embrace life and set an example for other young people!

 

[manualman]

If a 20 year old guy offers his girl the advice “not to let her intellect be ruled by her passions” I’m gonna say he’s probably crossed the boy/man threshold! Were he still just a boy he’d want the opposite!

My university offered not just health insurance but special housing for married students. But it was limited and hard to get for undergrads.

One poster’s tone seemed to imply that using NFP to avoid while still students would be “contraceptive use” of NFP. Au Contrair. That sounds to me practically like the definition of a serious reason for using NFP to avoid. But you’d still have to be prepared if God decided to change your plans with a little surprise!

Good luck with the decision!

 

[Rach620]

Both of y’alls parents are paying for all of your college and expenses correct? So you are on NO financial aid whatsoever? The reason i ask is because you financial aid status will change if you get married…It maybe for the better only y’all know that.

Good info, but I checked it out and you’re only considered independent for your federal financial aid status if you are married before the Feb 15 FAFSA filing deadline for the next year. We’d get married after that, and the government wouldn’t care .

Room and board would undoubtedly be cheaper if we married, and school costs would be even smaller, as we both could finish going part-time (which we are only allowed to do if we live off-campus). So independent status or not, it would help lower our tuition costs to get married

We know that we’ll need a certain amount of money just to pay for necessities, and given how much we both have saved, along with what we know is coming when we’re independent from our parents (cash value out of a life insurance policy, for example), it seems at least workable. Responsibly do-able, though certainly not a luxurious lifestyle. But that is enough for us, ya know? We’ll graduate. We’ll have the necessities.

The one thing of concern we’ve been talking about lately–this is probably for a different thread–is NFP use. We don’t want to use it with more or less a contraceptive mentality, but at least for the first six months or so would be considered ‘strict’ users. We would welcome a child if it were God’s will, but would not be so lax with our NFP usage as to make conception incredibly likely. What would be best for our family at that time would be to wait to have a child until after graduation (though pregnancy later in the school year wouldn’t be so bad i can’t wait for that first baby! ).

I know that using NFP to avoid requires a grave reason–and I think our situatiou would be considered ‘grave’–but then again, would the more responsible thing be to wait to get married at all? For the sake of our marriage, we don’t think it would be, but perspectives on this would be helpful.

questions, questions questions!

 

[maria29]

**What are you and your fiance majoring in if might ask? Perhaps you’ve said already, so i apologize The reason i ask is depending on your major, you maybe spending a lot of time on campus.

My junior and senior year I spent hours in the lab ( i am a comm arts major) and there were several married guys in the program. Especially in our TV production classes that required to turn projects around quickly we would be pulling all nighters at least 3-4 times a week. Many times the guys wives would call the studio phone and be upset that there husband was still there. In fact one time one of the wives came over and started yelling at her husband that he was spending too much time in there.

I guess it all depends on your major, but i felt that i wanted to be able to fully dedicate myself to my husband and not spend 3 or 4 nites away from him as well staying up till all hours studying.

Its a hard decision no matter how you look at it…God bless**

 

[leonie]

Actually, I just heard today that Jewish men in Biblical times were exempt from military service for the first year of their marriage. This was a time when they were to devote themselves to their wives.

So, if the school work combined with whatever working hours is required is onerous, maybe a wait is in order…That first year of marriage should allow for much couple time.

 

[Rach620]

**What are you and your fiance majoring in if might ask? Perhaps you’ve said already, so i apologize The reason i ask is depending on your major, you maybe spending a lot of time on campus.
**

I’m a theology and political science major, he’s theology and classics. I know, I know quite the useful and career-oriented majors But we have extracurriculars which add to our resumes and which are giving direction to the future career plan.

Anyways, we’ll both be able to go part-time the second semester of our senior year, and while I’ll be working on an honors thesis, that won’t require too many nights at the library . The school work won’t be too much, and we both know it would be easier because of the simple fact that we’re together. More comfort, less strain Going part-time, we’d also be able to work quite a bit–hopefully at least one of us, full time, for the income and benefits.

 

[Rach620]

If a 20 year old guy offers his girl the advice “not to let her intellect be ruled by her passions” I’m gonna say he’s probably crossed the boy/man threshold! Were he still just a boy he’d want the opposite!

I sure found a keeper, didn’t I?

My university offered not just health insurance but special housing for married students. But it was limited and hard to get for undergrads.

Our university does have quite reasonably priced married student housing. It isn’t explicitly limited to grad students that I can tell, but our school doesn’t have many married undergrads at all who try to live there, so I’m not sure how difficult it would be to get in there.

One poster’s tone seemed to imply that using NFP to avoid while still students would be “contraceptive use” of NFP. Au Contrair. That sounds to me practically like the definition of a serious reason for using NFP to avoid. But you’d still have to be prepared if God decided to change your plans with a little surprise!

That’s exactly what we have been thinking. And if we trust God and discern that His will is to be married in college–and He sends us a baby a few months later–we’ll accept the blessing with trust that He knows what He’s doing. We’ll have enough income to get by, and health insurance to cover baby and mommy, by the time the little one would come along, so we wouldn’t be caught unprepared. I’d still love to hear more info about using NFP at this stage, though!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

It sounds like you have you finances in order, and that was the only stumbling block I could see… I don’t see much holding you back from getting married now. It sounds like God is calling you to do this! Go for it! I’ll be praying for you two!
Good luck and God bless!

 

[maria29]

I’m a theology and political science major, he’s theology and classics. I know, I know quite the useful and career-oriented majors

**My husband has a Masters in Theology so I know how that goes…Hes working as a carpertner **

But we have extracurriculars which add to o
ur resumes and which are giving direction to the future career plan.

Yes he has that too

Anyways, we’ll both be able to go part-time the second semester of our senior year, and while I’ll be working on an honors thesis, that won’t require too many nights at the library . The school work won’t be too much, and we both know it would be easier because of the simple fact that we’re together. More comfort, less strain Going part-time, we’d also be able to work quite a bit–hopefully at least one of us, full time, for the income and benefits.

Yes because part time i believe your financial aid status changes too…I know that one semester i went part time and i actually had to add an class so i wouldn’t lose money that i usually used to pay for my housing

 

[bree12]

One poster’s tone seemed to imply that using NFP to avoid while still students would be “contraceptive use” of NFP. Au Contrair. That sounds to me practically like the definition of a serious reason for using NFP to avoid. But you’d still have to be prepared if God decided to change your plans with a little surprise!

I just wanted to clarify that I meant that I was scared that while we would have had a serious reason to use NFP to avoid, that I might have developed a “contraceptive mentality” about using NFP in the sense that I would have been very scared to get pregnant at a time where our financial situation would have made providing even the basics for a child very difficult. I don’t think NFP use is contraceptive (we have used it to both to avoid and to try to achieve since we’ve been married), but that I was scared my approach to using NFP would not have come from an open-to-having-a-child place, as it is now. Had we married earlier and gotten pregnant, I would have loved the child, of course, but I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t have spent every cycle stressed about avoiding pregnancy and thus not really using NFP with the open-to-life mindset that I do now.

I also was just explaining my own personal feelings before I got married; I wasn’t trying to imply that people shouldn’t use NFP because they have financial concerns or that the original poster or others would use NFP as contraception. I hope that clears that up --I just wanted to share my personal experience with the OP so she had another side to the story; I wasn’t trying to slam NFP or say that it isn’t okay to use it or that the OP shouldn’t get married if she wants to.

 

[hasikelee]

Both of y’alls parents are paying for all of your college and expenses correct? So you are on NO financial aid whatsoever? The reason i ask is because you financial aid status will change if you get married…It maybe for the better only y’all know that.

maria29, that is a good point! Right now any money we receive through school is from merit scholarships: grades. I get a big fat 0 financial aid from the government and he qualified only for a loan.

BUT, if we married, our status would change to independence, and based on our own incomes, we would be eligible for a whole lot of financial aid, both loan and gift.

I remember one time I was talking to my mom about this and we started joking about getting married by a JOP, just to be legally married and file as independents! (E.g. not be together).

 

[Aleii]

If you love him, if you pray together, if you know in your soul that this is God’s vocation for you, why wait?

The truth is that life if short and there is always an excuse to wait to get married.

Great way to put it!

It sounds like you have the health insurance worked out, and Iike other posters have said, it sounds like you both have good heads on your shoulders so I’d assume a budget has already been created and one/both of you work part time in addition to school. You also say you’ve got a good plan for health insurance which is great.

Even though the finances will be tight, and you may have to live on Ramen, no cable, sleep in a single bed, taking the bus/bike, do school then work for long days, like my husband and I did, being together was completely worth it for us. Being there when your spouse is sick, or feeling down, and vice versa alone means so much. Being able to help each other out in basic living things, cooking meals for two, doing combined laundry, etc, just really work together as a team helps make life so much more positive. (and living together saves money) Only you can discern if you are ready. It certainly is doable. I am glad I married in college. I also believe that there is such a thing as waiting too long and becoming bitter because of it.

Being in my husband’s company makes me a better person, and vice versa. Why deprive yourselves of self growth if everything else thought through and prepared for?

Congratulations!

 

[Rach620]

Had we married earlier and gotten pregnant, I would have loved the child, of course, but I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t have spent every cycle stressed about avoiding pregnancy and thus not really using NFP with the open-to-life mindset that I do now.

My bf and I have talked about using NFP and the mentality we will have towards using it to avoid at the beginning of our marriage, and are on the same page. Right now in even considering marrying earlier we are trying to open ourselves completely to God’s will–that’s not going to end when we get married and it comes to children! That will just have to be our mindset when it comes to the NFP use. While we have determined that it would be wisest for our future family to wait to have kids (financially, especially–I would like to stay at home, and the sooner the better!) But we will always be open to God’s gifts

Thanks for sharing your perspective on this, bree! It’s such a hard situation to figure out, honestly. I think the key is *constantly *re-evaluating our reasons for avoiding, and asking if God is calling us to be more open with our fertility.

maria29, that is a good point! Right now any money we receive through school is from merit scholarships: grades. I get a big fat 0 financial aid from the government and he qualified only for a loan.

BUT, if we married, our status would change to independence, and based on our own incomes, we would be eligible for a whole lot of financial aid, both loan and gift.

Our university only gives need-based aid… so besides the few merit scholarships my bf and I have earned, our financial aid packages include work study (which isn’t actually work study, since the pay doesn’t go towards our tuition, but into our checking accounts) and some loans. It would be a huge help if our status changed to independent–but that would require getting married before we file the FAFSA for the 08-09 school year, in February of 08. That ain’t gonna happen .

It should help if either one of us decides to go to grad school in a few years… but those plans are still quite far off and are looking less and less likely. (we both plan on working right out of undergrad–we’ve heard that’s wisest. Some companies will even pay for your professional degrees if you wait.) If I remember right, though, hasikelee, both you and your fiance were planning on grad/med school, right? Being married will surely help with that financial aid!

All this financial aid stuff will be worked out, once we’re engaged and able to seriously have a conversation with someone from the financial aid office at school! Until then, all that I’ve found on the 'net hasn’t been too incredibly helpful. Ugh.

Even though the finances will be tight, and you may have to live on Ramen, no cable, sleep in a single bed, taking the bus/bike, do school then work for long days, like my husband and I did, being together was completely worth it for us. Being there when your spouse is sick, or feeling down, and vice versa alone means so much. Being able to help each other out in basic living things, cooking meals for two, doing combined laundry, etc, just really work together as a team helps make life so much more positive. (and living together saves money) Only you can discern if you are ready. It certainly is doable. I am glad I married in college. I also believe that there is such a thing as waiting too long and becoming bitter because of it.

Being in my husband’s company makes me a better person, and vice versa. Why deprive yourselves of self growth if everything else thought through and prepared for?

Congratulations!

Those are definitely all sacrifices we’ve thought about, and decided that if the option is being together vs having cable and gourmet cooking, we’re game for the ‘boring’ married life .

It’s funny, because a lot of the time we’re just talking and it comes around to the realization that being together would just save so much time, energy, and spent emotions! Laundry, cooking, you name it–everything just sounds better together And waiting another two and a half years for the growth that will come with married life and living together is honestly very tough to mentally and emotionally handle. We’re just ready!

 

[newf]

I suggest you have a serious discussion with the financial aid office NOW, not when you get engaged…see what they have to say. It may help you with your decision.

Also, I think it is very important for you both to be dependant on each other and NOT your parents. So, if you are relying on them for tuition, I think you should wait. It is not healthy for you both to be turning to your parents when you are trying to start a life of your own, in my opinion. I don’t think it helps your husband feel like a leader in his home if you have to keep running to parents for funds.

My daughter graduated from college this past May. Her wedding was in June. We did pay her tuition and that was why they waited. If she wanted to be married sooner, we would’ve stopped. We didn’t want to interfere in their new life together. As it is, they each have a job and they are on their own. And they are 22.

 

[Rach620]

I suggest you have a serious discussion with the financial aid office NOW, not when you get engaged…see what they have to say. It may help you with your decision.

Also, I think it is very important for you both to be dependant on each other and NOT your parents. So, if you are relying on them for tuition, I think you should wait. It is not healthy for you both to be turning to your parents when you are trying to start a life of your own, in my opinion. I don’t think it helps your husband feel like a leader in his home if you have to keep running to parents for funds.

My daughter graduated from college this past May. Her wedding was in June. We did pay her tuition and that was why they waited. If she wanted to be married sooner, we would’ve stopped. We didn’t want to interfere in their new life together. As it is, they each have a job and they are on their own. And they are 22.

I completely understand where you’re coming from. We really both need to talk to our parents (and the financial aid office!) but think that the best way we can do this–with the openness that we will need to–is once we’re engaged. An official engagement will let our friends and family know exactly ‘what’s up,’ and we can then do premarital counseling/engaged encounter/etc. All of those things will help us determine when the best time to marry would be, and we will set a date after we go through them. Nothing, as of yet, is set in stone.

As I’ve said before, we both understand the importance of financial independence at the beginning of marriage. We will be independent in all areas but our tuition, if we get married. I honestly just do not foresee it being detrimental to our marriage for both of us to be relying on our parents for that money for those first 9 months or so of marriage. Not desirable, exactly, but our parents have been investing in our educations for our entire lives so that we can one day be independent–and we will be fully independent when graduation day rolls around, unlike many college graduates I know who go back home to their parents’ basement to play nintendo after graduation, rather than enter the real world! (And these are graduates of a top-20 university, no less!)

Perhaps our parents have different thoughts and will feel strongly, as you do, that we should wait–if they do, we will obey them. More than their money, though, we want their support. We want to know what our parents think about our future plans together–and there is no way for us to really find that out until we get engaged.

 

[hasikelee]

Those are definitely all sacrifices we’ve thought about, and decided that if the option is being together vs having cable and gourmet cooking, we’re game for the ‘boring’ married life .

It’s funny, because a lot of the time we’re just talking and it comes around to the realization that being together would just save so much time, energy, and spent emotions! Laundry, cooking, you name it–everything just sounds better together And waiting another two and a half years for the growth that will come with married life and living together is honestly very tough to mentally and emotionally handle. We’re just ready!

I wonder if college students are more open to the idea of marrying at this time because they already live in a pretty non-luxurious environment. I mean, most the students I know are driving junker cars, living in a tiny studio room, eating ramen noodles and getting by paycheck to paycheck.

They are used to unexpected troubles, such as that junker car breaking down, losing financial aid for no reason at all, stolen books putting them back hundreds of dollars, etc.

College students are also used to having no structure, changing classrooms every few months, seeing a new teacher every semester, staying up late night after night, being deathly sick and still having to show up for the final.

For those college students not put through a comfy private school by their parents’ pocketbooks, it seems the college experience prepares you for a sacrificial mindset good for a new, poor family.

The prospect of doing all those things is not only similar to new parenthood, but doing that with someone you love is only an upwards move, KWIM?

 

[kellyb32]

I’ll be very honest with you. I married my husband when we were both 19. He was in the middle of his second year of college. Our first child was born two and one /half years later. We were engaged for one year.

Everyone told us not to do it, that he would never finish college,that marrying young guarenteed failure, that we’d be sorry.

22 years later, three kids. We’re not sorry. We’re still best friends. He has a PhD. I stayed home with the kids, and have worked part time since they got into school. We are in debt and still paying for his schooling. We do not own a home. Finances are always tight…but honestly I wouldn’t do anything differently.

I was very confused because I had been raised Catholic and taught a set of priorities, but when I began to talk about marriage…it seemed that the priorities I had been taught were just “talk”, because everyone told me not to think that marriage could last forever, love would last, that I could be a stay home mom, that money wasn’t the most important thing.

My mother kept repeating…“when money gets tight love goes right out the window.” and “people who marry young don’t stay together” But she married my father when she was 19, and they are still together nearly 60 years later…

So…honestly…yeah, life is hard. And sometimes it sucks not to be able to afford stuff. And we’ve never really had a nice family vacation. If that stuff matter a lot to you, and it’s fine if it does, just be very honest with yourself, then maybe better to wait. But if you have other dreams that you are willing to work for…only you know what you really want and are willing to give in your life.

I like the kind of marriage and family and life we have. It’s not fancy, but it is immensely satisfying. Be very very honest with yourself.

cheddar

Sounds like me! I married my DH when I was 19 and had our first daughter 2 years later. This year will be 15 years married (17 together) and we have 4 kids now. We never EVER took a vacation, not even a honeymoon…didn’t need too, we live down the street from the Honeymoon Capital of the World

Anyway, DH finally got his 2 year degree in 2005 after 14 years of school. I’m just starting my college education again since I was interrupted with the surprisingly early birth of our daugther (she was 2 months premature), so I didn’t even finish my first semester of college in 1994. Now I’m starting again in a couple of weeks. I should have my 2 year degree by the time my baby starts kindergarden in 2011 or 2012.

Shhesh.

But I second the advice given…do what you know is best for you. DH and I would’ve loved a large home with the 4 kids. Instead we got what we could afford, a 2 bedroom house that we call our hobbit hole. It’s ours though, and we got a huge backyard, full attic and basement so we got lots of room to expand…just no money right now to do it . The good news is our house will be paid off in 12 years! yeah! Refinancing helped secure that! We went from a 30 yr mortgage at 8.25% interest to a 15 year with 4.75% interest. Can’t complain there.

We can live without the fancy cars, big house, designer clothes, expensive perfumes, steak dinners…what’s all that for but enjoyment? We find our enjoyment in simple things, renting a movie all of us can watch, camping out in the living room with all the kids, taking walks and going to the park together, hunting through the Salvation Army or another thrift store for great deals, figuring out creative things to have for dinner when we don’t have any meat in the freezer and we’re sick of pasta…

We may not be able to leave our children a rich inheritance where money is concerned but the legacy we’re leaving them is one they will enjoy remembering.

God bless!