Can a marriage survive this?

[rinnie]

Rascal, I havent been here for awhile so im not sure what exactly has been going on since my last response. I just have something that may help you. Several years ago my younger sister asked my advice. Her husband had an affair. My older sister told her to leave him. My gut told me to tell her to kick him to the curb and move on. But what my advice to her was, this is not about you or him anymore. Is he abusive to you or the kids. she said no. He is a wonderful father, he asked for forgiveness. She told me she didnt love him anymore. I told her to stay with him and live for those kids right now. If in ten years or so there is nothing left to end it. But she and him have an obigation to those kids. No more about her happiness or his. Is she willing to hurt those kids. You must tell her that if she does this she will destroy those kids lives. End it now and if in ten or so years down the line she want out then go. But her selfishness must end today. Believe it or not my sister refused going to talk to Father. But now 5 years later she finally did. they are working on thier marriage, and i truely believe they are going to make it. Right now you cant expect what you had. its gone. it will never be the same. You will be very angry soon. Let it go also. Give God time. but she must give up everything too. Dont push the confession, going to therapy just yet. Push the our life on hold thing right now. This is about the kids right now and what they need and feel. Hope this helps. sorry if i sound harsh. but it has to be about them now.

 

[HopeintheSpirit]

Rascal, I havent been here for awhile so im not sure what exactly has been going on since my last response. I just have something that may help you. Several years ago my younger sister asked my advice. Her husband had an affair. My older sister told her to leave him. My gut told me to tell her to kick him to the curb and move on. But what my advice to her was, this is not about you or him anymore. Is he abusive to you or the kids. she said no. He is a wonderful father, he asked for forgiveness. She told me she didnt love him anymore. I told her to stay with him and live for those kids right now. If in ten years or so there is nothing left to end it. But she and him have an obigation to those kids. No more about her happiness or his. Is she willing to hurt those kids. You must tell her that if she does this she will destroy those kids lives. End it now and if in ten or so years down the line she want out then go. But her selfishness must end today. Believe it or not my sister refused going to talk to Father. But now 5 years later she finally did. they are working on thier marriage, and i truely believe they are going to make it. Right now you cant expect what you had. its gone. it will never be the same. You will be very angry soon. Let it go also. Give God time. but she must give up everything too. Dont push the confession, going to therapy just yet. Push the our life on hold thing right now. This is about the kids right now and what they need and feel. Hope this helps. sorry if i sound harsh. but it has to be about them now.

I agree with what rinnie is saying here, except the counselling part- a lot of damage has been to all of you. You all need counseling to sort through underlying issues otherwise - same thought patterns same vicious cycle, - IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID YOU"LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT. Regular visits to a trusted faith-based counselor is crucial for positive change.

 

[rinnie]

I agree with what rinnie is saying here, except the counselling part- a lot of damage has been to all of you. You all need counseling to sort through underlying issues otherwise - same thought patterns same vicious cycle, - IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID YOU"LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT. Regular visits to a trusted faith-based counselor is crucial for positive change.

I also totally agree with you but she is not going to go now. Hopefully down the road she will but he needs some kind of balance in his life now. But trust me she wont go. And for him to push her to go or walk she will walk. And then him and the kids dont have a chance. She has got to put the kids first right now and quit being so selfish. That is all she will probally do right now. then down the road when she gets away from the situation she will then hopefully have remorse. But all he can do now is say this is it, The kids will not get hurt no more. And if they do it will all be on her right now. Then hopefully through the grace of God she will see the light. But the kids are all that i see that will stop her now. Hurting him doesnt seem to faze her at this point.

 

[RubyWannabe]

But what my advice to her was, this is not about you or him anymore. Is he abusive to you or the kids. she said no. He is a wonderful father, he asked for forgiveness. She told me she didnt love him anymore. I told her to stay with him and live for those kids right now.

Rascal,
I would normally agree with Rinnie, but in this case, your wife has not asked for forgiveness - at least not really until she no longer sees the man. I would normally never say to give up, but adultery is not to be tolerated. I’d probably go back to Dulcissima’s ultimatum. She can’t have you and the other man. She is the one violating her vows. In this case, you are the mouthpiece of God, telling her to repent of her sin, like “Go and sin no more” in John 9. I think God would want her to hear that message. You’re not doing her any favors by letting her persist as “double-minded.”

Also, you are not the wife. You are to love your wife as Christ loved the church but not to submit to her; that is her job. I know that our society would take away all difference in role and make us all the same, but that is not God’s way. You need to take on your role. I was thinking about Adam and Eve. Eve’s first mistake was to make a decision without consulting her husband. Ever wonder what decision they might have made if they had worked TOGETHER? Adam’s first mistake was to follow her against the very words that God had spoken and not confront her. I think it’s time. God help you.

Note, though, that you are standing up FOR her, not against her. You are only against your sin, and your goal is to separate her from her sin. She is YOURS - not as an object but as your help-mate that God gave you. Show her that you want her, but only if she is ALL YOURS and ONLY YOURS. Spouses are not meant to be shared!

RubyWannabe