Can a marriage survive this?

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We talked a bit again today. She says she feels like her world is collapsing around her. She feels like she’s letting everyone down, most especially me. I told her that she’s the only one that can fix the things. She says she’s not strong enough. I told her that’s why I’M here. I said she needs someone to talk to, to bounce things off of. She just doesn’t want to tell anyone, she’s afraid of what people will think of her.

After that talk, we’ve barely spoken. This is going to be HARD.
 
What you need to let her know is that what sets you apart from all others is that you are her husband, so when her world is collapsing in around her…you really are the one who will be there for her. She needs to understand that you are what is real, and she will feel things really collapse if she thinks that she can count on Mr. Other Guy, because in truth what she has with him is an illusion. She is experiencing that feeling because she had put so much trust and faith in him and the reality is he not someone who will be there for her in a real way.
 
dulcissima said:
What you need to let her know is that what sets you apart from all others is that you are her husband, so when her world is collapsing in around her…you really are the one who will be there for her. She needs to understand that you are what is real, and she will feel things really collapse if she thinks that she can count on Mr. Other Guy, because in truth what she has with him is an illusion. She is experiencing that feeling because she had put so much trust and faith in him and the reality is he not someone who will be there for her in a real way.
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You’re so right, dulcissima.

Rascal, don’t push her, the “world collapsing” feeling is very scary for her. But it may be a good sign that she knows all is not well and she might start edging toward the “big bad” counseling if you continue to support her as you are.

I wonder if the other guy was her way of self-medicating, to forget about the bad things that she knew, instinctually, were coming to a head.

Now that things ARE coming to a head for her, she needs you to cling onto like a big old oak tree or a rock. Support her, don’t enable her self destructive behaviors.

You’re doing awesome! Continued prayers…
 
RascalJones said:
We talked a bit again today. She says she feels like her world is collapsing around her. She feels like she’s letting everyone down, most especially me. I told her that she’s the only one that can fix the things. She says she’s not strong enough. I told her that’s why I’M here. I said she needs someone to talk to, to bounce things off of. She just doesn’t want to tell anyone, she’s afraid of what people will think of her.

After that talk, we’ve barely spoken. This is going to be HARD.
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Reassure her if she talks to your parish priest or to a counsellor, that it will be completely confidential. Remind her that things would be much more difficult for her if your marriage completely collapses, so who cares what other people think. So long as there is still time to work on the marriage, it isn’t a total loss. At least she is willing to listen, and it sounds like she might be opening up to you finally.

Remember that she is addicted to the flattering attention this other guy is giving her, and that it will be very hard for her in the next while. She will be feeling pretty depressed and let down. But she MUST give him up, or there is no hope.

Personally, I would confront the other guy in publich and tell him to leave your wife alone, or you will be contacting his wife. If he knows your intentions are serious, he may back off.

Good luck with this. I hope that your wife wakes up and realizes what a gem she has with such a patient husband like yourself.
 
Unfortunately, it appears that when I went to the movies last night, and gave her time to catch up on her reading for class, she got home 2 hours later than I expected. COMPLETELY suspicious behavior.

It appears that it’s over between us.

It’s about time to cry.
 
RascalJones said:
Unfortunately, it appears that when I went to the movies last night, and gave her time to catch up on her reading for class, she got home 2 hours later than I expected. COMPLETELY suspicious behavior.

It appears that it’s over between us.

It’s about time to cry.
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RJ,

Why are you giving her soooo much rope? You should not be putting temptation in her way at this time! Don’t ‘test’ her love for you this way. Be her husband. Strong and demanding for what is yours. This is YOUR wife. Don’t let her slip away!
 
She says they met so she could break it off. Says she’ll talk to me more when she gets home.
 
RJ:

No one meets to break it off. If they thought it was a bad idea to see each other, they wouldn’t see each other.

I strongly recommend you tell this guy to leave your wife alone, and make sure his wife knows.

Regardless of what happens, you have to take a stand for yourself.

Best wishes,
Scott
 
scott1228 said:
No one meets to break it off.
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I completely disagree. If your wife percieved a true friendship with the other guy, she would have broken it off in person. And it would have taken hours to make the break. They are used to talking to each other for hours - that’s the emotional tie. So she would have needed a long time to talk about this too. To explain it all. And she would have listened to everything he said too. That takes time.

Give her a few days - if she was really breaking it off, then you will see instant changes in her attitude towards you. Very apologetic and very focused on you. Wait and see if there’s a change.
 
RJ:

Keep in mind the advice I gave you awhile back. Take advice from those that have been in the situation, not the conjecturers.

If you go to the marriage builder website, you will see the typical behavior of wayward spouses.

Anyone that says that they meet in person to break it off is fooling themselves. This is nonsense and your gut tells you that it is nonsense.

When your wife comes out of the fog, you can trust her. What she has to offer now cannot be trusted.
 
RascalJones said:
She says they met so she could break it off. Says she’ll talk to me more when she gets home.
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Just like the alcoholic needs ‘just this last drink’ so does the unfaithful need to meet to ‘end it’.

RJ, do not trust this action by your wife.
 
Yeah, tonight’s conversation should be enlightening to say the least.

I told her on the phone that to me, she’s been cheating on me this whole time, no matter what she tells herself. She said “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.” So, I think she finally “gets it”. I don’t know what’s up with her job yet. I don’t know if she’s going to quit or not. I guess she’ll tell me tonight.

We’ve got a long way to go. I just hope we’re finally REALLY going to start.
 
I hadn’t come on for a while, and I’m surprised at how muh has happened in your life. I’m so happy you finally stood up to her. I hope she does quit her job.

But just on the going to see him to break it off… I don’t like the sound of that even a bit. Those usually end up in physical intimacy. I don’t want to put more weight on your shoulders, but don’t trust her. Seriously, why did she have to do that??? Especially when you weren’t home??? Do not let her do these things…

I hope something good comes from the talk you 2 will have tonight.

Many prayers for you RJ.
 
Rascal:

Please let us know how you are doing when you get a chance…

Scott
 
In a haze. Don’t know what’s going on for sure. I feel like I’m the only one that wants to WORK on us. She seems to want a magic wand that will just make it all disappear. I’m starting to feel hopeless.

Haven’t been around much anywhere, trying to avoid my recent online hangouts. Trying to sort through my feelings.

Thanks for caring. I’ll be OK, I just don’t know when, or what my definition of OK will be.
 
Aloha Rascal,
My 1st. post in your thread, but have been following it and you are in my prayers!

God bless you both!
 
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