Can a marriage survive this?

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She doesn’t work with him again for at least 9 days. He’s not working this weekend.

Right now, we are of 2 points of view…mine and hers. I want her to get some perspective from an uninvolved party. Someone that’s seen it before, someone that knows the pain.

I’d gladly go to Retrouvaille, but I think getting her to commit on weekends would take a miracle. I guess I need to pray for that miracle.
 
RascalJones said:
She doesn’t work with him again for at least 9 days. He’s not working this weekend.

Right now, we are of 2 points of view…mine and hers. I want her to get some perspective from an uninvolved party. Someone that’s seen it before, someone that knows the pain.

I’d gladly go to Retrouvaille, but I think getting her to commit on weekends would take a miracle. I guess I need to pray for that miracle.
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Well, I’m not suggesting giving her an ultimatum (although it may come to that :o) but she’s either more interested in:
  1. saving the marriage
    or
  2. damaging the marriage beyond repair by continuing this affair (and that includes not going to counseling/Retrouvaille on the weekend because she doesn’t want to give up working where he does)
She has to make a choice: her marriage and family, or him. Again, I know giving an ultimatum can sometimes blow up in a person’s face, but unfortunately, I think it may come to that here (though obviously I don’t know all the details of the relationship,etc., so it’s not my place to suggest giving her one!). I think you should definitely talk with your priest about this as well – does he know both of you well?

Tell her you have chosen to fight for the marriage and family because you love her, even if you don’t feel very “lovey” right now. Tell her if you didn’t care that you’d just keep going the way things are, or that you’d file for divorce, but that you aren’t doing that because you want to have a healthy, loving, God-centered marriage. Sometimes using the approach of “I want this, this is what I will do” is more successful than saying “You need to do this, I want you to ___”… know what I mean? If she knows you’re in it, hopefully that will :newidea: with her and she’ll get serious about repenting and repairing.
 
Amazingly my “day of Discovery” was the same as yours. My wife has had a very long special relationship with a cousin. It ended in discovery of emails talking about holding, hugging and spooning each other and being the last person each thought of at bedtime and the first thoughts in the morning.

Prayer is the only way to really get past this. I believe we have solved all issues except her wish to maintain a “warm cousinly relationship”. This includes hugging. I now hate to see my wife hug any other man.

Good Luck and God Bless
 
ktp said:
Bluntly, no, your marriage will NOT survive if she insists on ‘being friends’ with someone with whom she has already betrayed you.

You may continue living in the same house, but it will be sheer hell for you.

As to what he’s telling her about poor him, his difficult marriage, 9 times out of 10, it’s all lies, told to get sympathy and convince the other woman it’s okay and that even though he’s cheating on his wife, he’s really a nice guy. I have been through this. I know the things my husband made people think about me that aren’t even remotely true, and I’ve seen it in story after story after story on an infidelity board, where the most awful lies are told about the wife.
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these are your words. infidelity boards are not just about philandering husbands.
 
By emotional affair do you mean not actually adulterous? Because I would think that would be a different animal than an adulterous relationship where she really had cheated on you.

You spied on her to find out this relationship, so had she changed or done this kind of thing before?
 
No. Nothing like this ever before. I’m certain that it was a friendship that went too far. I just don’t want it to happen again, and I don’t trust either of them right now.

I supported her friendship with this person. She had told me that it was completely innocent. Like I said, I was suspicious when she wasn’t going to communion. I had “gut feelings” but no proof. Then, I was driving home from being out of town and she called me, and then said “oh wait my call waiting is beeping”, she called me right back and said “wrong number”. I found that odd, because the number calling would show up and she’d know before answering it. The next day, I checked her phone and found that the number that had called had called her many times. I checked her voice mail and found another man’s voice (Ironically, the first words he said on it were “Pax Nobiscum” (he went to seminary out of high school)) At the end of the message, he said “I love you”. I was EXTREMELY suspicious but didn’t say anything, thinking that maybe I was overreacting. Then, 4 days later, we took a family trip to a baseball game. We stopped for dinner on the way home, and her and our daughter left the restaurant before our son and I. The next day, I saw on the cell phone web site that she had sent a text message to someone on the way home from the ball game, and I hadn’t gotten it. I was even MORE suspicious. So, I checked her phone again that night and found the txt message she sent him that said “I MISS U”. It was to his email address. I went down to her computer and only found 3 emails to that address, but one said “You can use this email address today, it’s OK”. So, then I remembered her old internet email account, and the floodgates opened.

I never doubted her honesty, but I NEVER trusted him. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
 
The thing that’s kind of disturbing is, you had no reason to suspect her, other than her not taking Eucharist, but you checked her cell phone repeatedly, looked at her email, in general seemed to invade her privacy frequently. While I could, maybe, understand doing that for someone who had betrayed you before, this was all at the start of your suspicions. And you still have no evidence of actual infidelity (i.e. real adultery).

It could be counseling will help both of you sound things out.
 
a_cermak said:
The thing that’s kind of disturbing is, you had no reason to suspect her, other than her not taking Eucharist, but you checked her cell phone repeatedly, looked at her email, in general seemed to invade her privacy frequently. While I could, maybe, understand doing that for someone who had betrayed you before, this was all at the start of your suspicions. And you still have no evidence of actual infidelity (i.e. real adultery).

It could be counseling will help both of you sound things out.
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I would venture a guess that you’ve never been betrayed.

An emotional affair IS actual infidelity. It is also how a physical affair always starts.

He did nothing wrong in checking her cell records. She had acted strangely and he is totally within his rights to check up.
 
iamrefreshed said:
I would venture a guess that you’ve never been betrayed.

An emotional affair IS actual infidelity. It is also how a physical affair always starts.

He did nothing wrong in checking her cell records. She had acted strangely and he is totally within his rights to check up.
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I would disagree. He invaded her privacy without her knowledge. It’s one thing to ask who called, and if they stonewall or you suspect foul play, to ask to verify, it’s another to sneak and peak at data. Were I her, I would password protect my email account and probably get one via yahoo or hotmail for private email. Remember, this was prior to his actually having evidence of any relationship breach. It appears, on the face of it, to be controlling behavior.

I guess I don’t really understand emotional affairs. They don’t violate the Commandment against adultery, for instance. Now, I would agree that emotional attachment to another may foreshadow adulterous behavior, but it is not the same as adultery. Is every scrap of emotional attachment owed only to the partner or can some be left with others as long as no physical relationship occurs? I’m guessing there’s a line somewhere in there and it would be different for different partnerships.
 
a_cermak said:
I guess I don’t really understand emotional affairs. They don’t violate the Commandment against adultery, for instance. Now, I would agree that emotional attachment to another may foreshadow adulterous behavior, but it is not the same as adultery. Is every scrap of emotional attachment owed only to the partner or can some be left with others as long as no physical relationship occurs? I’m guessing there’s a line somewhere in there and it would be different for different partnerships.
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That is true that emotional affairs do not violate the 6th commandment but they are definitely against the 9th commandment: You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. Emotional affairs (EA) are very damaging to marriages because of addiction to an affair partner, sharing intimate “friendship” with him/her and denial of any wrong doings and hurting a spouse. Many EAs would eventually end up in adultery.
 
I dont think I could allow my partner to be friends with someone after knowing about the fact. I would actually have a hard time forgiving him. For me emotional involvement is a far bigger investment then a physical…
 
scott1228 said:
these are your words. infidelity boards are not just about philandering husbands.
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Yes, Scott. Everybody knows that. But the man playing games with this Rascal Jones’ wife happens to be a philandering HUSBAND. Nobody is picking on husbands or men here. Since this really is not helping Rascal Jones, perhaps you could send me a pm rather than take up the thread with this.
 
a_cermak said:
I would disagree. He invaded her privacy without her knowledge. It’s one thing to ask who called, and if they stonewall or you suspect foul play, to ask to verify, it’s another to sneak and peak at data. Were I her, I would password protect my email account and probably get one via yahoo or hotmail for private email. Remember, this was prior to his actually having evidence of any relationship breach. It appears, on the face of it, to be controlling behavior.
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Are you kidding me? You really think that personal/secret email is HEALTHY for a relationship? I NEVER checked on her until her behavior became completely different from what it used to be. I told you, I never trusted hm. I always let her go, anywhere she wanted, any time she wanted.

Another “tell” that I didn’t ever notice was that she never wanted to look me in the face when she got home, let alone give me a hug or kiss. She always said she was tired, or had a headache, or “I’m just going to go watch TV for a little while”. There were signs, but no proof. And, I didn’t see the signs until after I found out the truth. I always wondered why she stopped calling me on her way home from work. I found out later that it was because she was talking to HIM after work instead of ME. If I had just LOOKED at the cell phone bill once in that time frame, I’d have seen it. She would have denied doing anything wrong, and just found another way to continue.

And, I do believe, based on the emails that I read, that it would not have been much longer until the 6th commandment was broken.

I was not controlling. That was probably part of the problem. I wanted to tell her several times that I didn’t think it was right for a married woman to sit in a bar for drinks with another man. I never told her. And, I paid the price.

Do you even understand how much I hate myself for not trusting her now? I hate feeling like I need to check up on her. I still check email logs, cell phone logs, credit card transactions. I don’t know where this is heading, but I want him out of our life. I told her that. I don’t know if she “gets” it yet or not. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.
 
a_cermak said:
I would disagree. He invaded her privacy without her knowledge. It’s one thing to ask who called, and if they stonewall or you suspect foul play, to ask to verify, it’s another to sneak and peak at data. Were I her, I would password protect my email account and probably get one via yahoo or hotmail for private email. Remember, this was prior to his actually having evidence of any relationship breach. It appears, on the face of it, to be controlling behavior.

I guess I don’t really understand emotional affairs. They don’t violate the Commandment against adultery, for instance. Now, I would agree that emotional attachment to another may foreshadow adulterous behavior, but it is not the same as adultery. Is every scrap of emotional attachment owed only to the partner or can some be left with others as long as no physical relationship occurs? I’m guessing there’s a line somewhere in there and it would be different for different partnerships.
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That’s all well and good for you. I would ask…Have you ever been betrayed in these ways?

Secret e-mail accounts do not a marriage make my friend.:rolleyes:
 
Keeping you in my prayers Rascal. I know all too well the agony you feel.
 
I am so sorry that you have to go through this in your marriage. Some women do let themselves get carried away by the belief in what they do not have. I know that all this while you gave your wife a chance, it was to demonstrate how much you trust her. You probably believed that by showing her that you trust her, she will strike not to betray the trust.

Truth is, women generally like to feel special, and it takes being in the Lord not to allow yourself get carried away. Unfortunately, some men are gifted in dazzling women with their tongue. My father is one of such men and i know what i am saying. If this unfortunate fellow is one of such men, you will need to save your wife before she gets lost.

I am for her changing job. I believe that the best way to aviod sin is to avoid the occasions of the sin. Changing her job may just be that big sacrifice she just like everyone of us have to make for our family.

You have to learn how to make her feel special in his stead. Really study her hard and know what she wants/likes. Prayers too will help. Once you go for confession and recieve communion, you will discover an overwelming peace. God will also speak to you and give you directions. Lastly you may need to do a little research on what women want and how to dazzle a women. you need to beat this old man to his game, afterall, she is your wife! God bless
 
Rascal - have you considered showing your wife this thread?

You have been very open and honest - you have not called her any names, you have gone so far as to place much blame on yourself for her emotional affair…

Maybe this thread would be another way to help her to understand how you feel. It might enable her to set aside her feelings and look at the situation objectively.

I continue to pray for your family and the man’s family as well.
 
I’ve thought about it. I don’t think I can do it, though.

I guess I have my secrets too. 😦
 
RascalJones said:
I suppose giving an ultimatum is not the best way to handle this.

As most of you are probably guessing, I’m in this situation myself. I don’t know how to handle this.

I found out about it last June 8. She wanted to remain at her job, and still …

…I’m so lost. I’ve lost who I was. I need a confessional so badly. I haven’t been to communioin since before Halloween.
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Tough situation try not to beat your self up over the past here in the now. I’m a protestant Pentecostal and I have a Catholic friend going through the same thing but he is the one running off with someone else. His wife seems to me defeated… “nothing I can do now” attiude. They both say they want it to work but nothing comes of it. I plead with with them often to seek counseling but she allways excuses her self and he wil not… say take the bull by the horns. This is only to say things could be worse and it is by their choice in defiance to G-d. Make the choice and find a way in the right words and actions to “lead” her and not command her.

Before I was a Christian I was married years ago and she and I were in the same situation. A “friend” from work eventually turned out to be much more. We were not Christians. We did not have a solid base of what was right and wrong. Our priorities were each of ourselves first then our spouse, money, job… what ever next no real order. I gave up… she left. So be encouraged your miles ahead on recovery compared to most and this is beatable! Focus harder than ever before on keeping your priorities in line. G-d first! Then your wife! Followed by kids and family then everything else such as work…etc. If you don’t already; pray with her, if she is not up for that at this point pray for her… every day, don’t just go to Church Sunday morning be the first awake on sSundays and lead the charge to Church for the entire familly. This is probably things you already do and I’m not trying to be little anyone. My point-- focus on keeping G-d first in all things… women can not resist it!

Here is the hard part… Is she wrong YES! but you can not tell her that. It is human nature to go into automaticly on the offensive when found wrong. It will eventually drive her out of your life. On the other hand a counsoler CAN! I know Catholic Charities have counsolers and it is essential for you as a couple to see one. If she won’t go, you go by yourself. While you are going continue to ask her to come along and if she says no simply say OK and ask her again the next time. Give her a few days notice when you ask and a once more offer shortly before leaving. Women need consistancy, determination, and leadership. You can make great strides in your maraige with counseling if you remain commited to it, determined to change your self for her benefit, and continually lead her by asking her to attend. To be consistant IS the key… stay with it. One day you will be able to point out error in each other with love and respect for the other.

The hard fact, for her, is that scripture says to resist temptation which is what it seems she is doing. But scripture also says to flee the desires of your youth. What is more youthful than a new relationship. There is a reason scripture records these things. G-d knows this type of temptation is the heaviest (for most) and causes the deepest scars and reprocusions. She will have to come to grasp this reality… the “friend” must go as it is adultry. Her duty is to G-d and you first.

Another thing she will have to come to grips with is you’re trust is gone. What came crashing down in one E-mail will take possibly years to restore. You had said she was angry with you for spying --not hat it was right but-- she has to come to a place where she is OK not being trusted and for some time. It is hard I was there once be compassionate toward her guilt probably displayed as anger. Scripture tells us to restore her gently.

You two and G-d can beat this together! Don’t lose hope. Get with Catholic Carities ASAP. They can go much further into this than this fourum. A counselor can tell you both where you’re wrong and can be a sounding board for thoughts and ideas all while keeping G-d in it.!
 
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