Can a marriage survive this?

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Ogo_nwa_maria said:
I
I am for her changing job. I believe that the best way to aviod sin is to avoid the occasions of the sin. Changing her job may just be that big sacrifice she just like everyone of us have to make for our family.
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Priorities…G-d, spouse, kids/family, job and everything else.

Remember G-d is your provider the job is only the means in which He provides. Means can change but your provider won’t!
 
okieflyer said:
Tough situation try not to beat your self up over the past here in the now. I’m a protestant Pentecostal and I have a Catholic friend going through the same thing but he is the one running off with someone else. His wife seems to me defeated… “nothing I can do now” attiude. They both say they want it to work but nothing comes of it. I plead with with them often to seek counseling but she allways excuses her self and he wil not… say take the bull by the horns. This is only to say things could be worse and it is by their choice in defiance to G-d. Make the choice and find a way in the right words and actions to “lead” her and not command her.

Before I was a Christian I was married years ago and she and I were in the same situation. A “friend” from work eventually turned out to be much more. We were not Christians. We did not have a solid base of what was right and wrong. Our priorities were each of ourselves first then our spouse, money, job… what ever next no real order. I gave up… she left. So be encouraged your miles ahead on recovery compared to most and this is beatable! Focus harder than ever before on keeping your priorities in line. G-d first! Then your wife! Followed by kids and family then everything else such as work…etc. If you don’t already; pray with her, if she is not up for that at this point pray for her… every day, don’t just go to Church Sunday morning be the first awake on sSundays and lead the charge to Church for the entire familly. This is probably things you already do and I’m not trying to be little anyone. My point-- focus on keeping G-d first in all things… women can not resist it!

Here is the hard part… Is she wrong YES! but you can not tell her that. It is human nature to go into automaticly on the offensive when found wrong. It will eventually drive her out of your life. On the other hand a counsoler CAN! I know Catholic Charities have counsolers and it is essential for you as a couple to see one. If she won’t go, you go by yourself. While you are going continue to ask her to come along and if she says no simply say OK and ask her again the next time. Give her a few days notice when you ask and a once more offer shortly before leaving. Women need consistancy, determination, and leadership. You can make great strides in your maraige with counseling if you remain commited to it, determined to change your self for her benefit, and continually lead her by asking her to attend. To be consistant IS the key… stay with it. One day you will be able to point out error in each other with love and respect for the other.

The hard fact, for her, is that scripture says to resist temptation which is what it seems she is doing. But scripture also says to flee the desires of your youth. What is more youthful than a new relationship. There is a reason scripture records these things. G-d knows this type of temptation is the heaviest (for most) and causes the deepest scars and reprocusions. She will have to come to grasp this reality… the “friend” must go as it is adultry. Her duty is to G-d and you first.

Another thing she will have to come to grips with is you’re trust is gone. What came crashing down in one E-mail will take possibly years to restore. You had said she was angry with you for spying --not hat it was right but-- she has to come to a place where she is OK not being trusted and for some time. It is hard I was there once be compassionate toward her guilt probably displayed as anger. Scripture tells us to restore her gently.

You two and G-d can beat this together! Don’t lose hope. Get with Catholic Carities ASAP. They can go much further into this than this fourum. A counselor can tell you both where you’re wrong and can be a sounding board for thoughts and ideas all while keeping G-d in it.!
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Wow. Thanks for your very kind words. I do plan on finding a counselor. She already told me she would go with me.
 
Called the church to schedule a confession. Tried to get it with the priest I talked to last summer, figuring he would understand my situation. Unfortunately, he’s not in on Fridays, so it’ll have to wait until Tuesday at this point. (I’m off work Monday, and don’t live close to the church where he is.) I realize that I could go anywhere, and usually do, but I wanted someone familiar with my situation, even if he forgot all about it by now, hopefully he’ll remember when he sees me.
 
I think that the person should break off the friendship entirely. That would show proper restraint and respect to the other spouse. Why would someone want to remain friends with someone that will always be a temptation? I think the scripture is pretty clear on this - abstain from all appearances of evil.
 
Oy…

RJ, the good news is YES, your marriage can survive this. But only, only if you BOTH want to save it.

Background:

Back in 2001 I was working for a computer company and I had more time on my hands then I knew what to do with. I began chatting online…mostly with women…and I had several “emotional affairs”. In some ways I was probably lucky that this was only online, if I had been closer physically…I probably would have gotten far to physically close. Eventually, though, one became more serious than the others…she was…everything I thought I wanted… The only problem was, I was married and had been for 8 years.

We chatted for over 2 years before my wife found out. We had our own problems…and neither of us was being what the other needed…we had stopped communicating, and were in a lot of stress…and had withdrawn into our own selves.

When my wife found out…she through me out…and then she got into my email and read all the emails that we had sent to each other…and she saw, through my eyes what had happened.

Like RJ’s wife, I did not want to give up my friendship with the other woman…

But I soon realized that if I really wanted my marriage to succeed, it had to be done.

I won’t lie, and say that she never crossed my mind again, after I broke it of. She does; and I will admit that there will always be a part of me that cares for her; but only to the extent that I pray that she finds what she needs, and will have someone that can truly love and care for her.

My wife and I are going strong here, 5 years after I broke off my affair. We are partners, working together for God’s glory. But we only got there after making a conscious decision to save our marriage and live our lives for God.

We are not perfect, and we still have struggles, but we work it out…

Anyhow…I hope this might help.

Mik
 
Thank you. That does help. You sound a lot like we do. We’ve been married 8 years now. It actually started after 7 years, but we were distancing before that. The distance feels like it’s getting more and more, no matter how hard I try to hold on.
 
Well, the improvement did not start until after my wife confronted me on it. Take caution in how you do this…and pray about it…and we will add our prayers to yours.

God bless,

Your Brother in Christ,

Mik
 
This sucks. This really, really sucks.

Talked again last night. Asked her what she thought about going to counseling, and she basically said that we should just put our heads down and get through it. That she’s not “good at opening up to people” (Yes, that includes ME) She says that when she was a kid, she was hurt a lot and you just put your head down and “get through it”. Then she brings up “WHEN? What are we going to do with the kids?” For that, I had no answer. I also said that it would be good for all the other things we have problems with. Of course, she took it to mean pretty much specifically our intimate/sex life. I told her that I can’t get over this, if he’s still in our life. She says “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I do still care for him.” I told her, “He’s poison, he’s going to destroy us.” No movement from her.

I asked if she ever reasearched what we should do. Looked up online or anything. She said no. She figured we’d just get through it. I think the real reason is, she knows she’s in the wrong and doesn’t want anyone to tell her.

So, I sent her a bunch of links to read…

msnbc.msn.com/id/8990045/
beyondaffairs.com/articles/building_trust.htm
broadcaster.org.uk/section1/scenarios/affairs.html#healing
saveyourmarriagecentral.com/getinformed/articles/endingaffair.html
thethirdoption.com/affair.htm
marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
mayoclinic.com/health/infidelity/MH00110
tinyurl.com/236466

Maybe she’ll get the point. Maybe not.

Once again, this sucks.
 
I just feel awful about this whole situation. It really sounds like your wife is the most selfish person ever. If I were in your situation, I would want to give her an ultimatum, which would sound something like this.

"X, I love you and I married you. I made a vow in front of God to love and cherish you until death parts us, and I will do so. At the same time, your relationship with Y is hurting me. I cannot and will not accept you having a relationship with another man. It is not healthy either of us, nor is it healthy for our children to see their father being cuckolded. I cannot understand how you can accept that this behavior is hurting me and expect me to not be bothered by your relationship with Y. I will not allow this to continue.

In order for our marriage to survive, you need to cease all contact with Y. We need to go to counseling as soon as possible, and get to the root of what is causing you to seek a relationship elsewhere. I know I am not perfect and am willing to accept that my behaviors have played a role in where our relationship stands at this point, but at this time, I feel that if you had any love for me, you would not engage in a behavior which not only threatens our marriage but also causes me physical and emotional pain. If you are unwilling to take these steps, I am going to have to pursue a separation. I truly hope that you are willing to work through this with me, as I love you with all my heart and meant what I said when we stood before God and vowed to love each other all the days of our lives."

I’m really sorry that you are going through this, Rascal. It just makes me sad to know that someone can be as single-minded and selfish as your wife seems to be. I cannot imagine the hurt you must feel to hear your wife exchanging affirmations of love with a man she does not view solely as her brother in Christ. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
Well, Rascal. looks like you just found out that the issue is a lot bigger than just this other guy. In fact, I would say that you should consider him to be the red flag that is pointing out the real problem in your marriage, your wife was hurt a lot as a child, can’t open up, and doesn’t want to address those issues. This is at the heart of what can make a marriage unworkable.

If she is unwilling to go to counseling, I would suggest you go on your own, so that you get the support that you need and the perspective to see the situation for what it really is. I think counseling will help you to communicate your needs a lot more effectively and will help you to push for what really needs to be done in your marriage.

On a side note…what does she mean what about the kids? You two really do need to have an answer to that…a source of drop in babysitting, a sitter who can come to your house as needed, friends who you can trade babysitting with. That you are unable to get away without the kids is another indication that there is work that needs to be done.
 
She’s full of it! She obviously CAN open up when she wants to, or there wouldn’t be another man in the picture. Tell her to open up to a counselor at least half as much as she does with Mr. WorkGuy. That’s a good starting point.

Flimsy excuse.

The funny thing… if she loses everything, Mr. WorkGuy will be the first to bail on her when she is finally “free.” Because if he really wanted to be free, he’d have done it long ago. Trust me, husbands who don’t want to be married anymore find a way to make it done.

So she’s got this fantasy man who she doesn’t have to wash his dirty clothes, clean his sink after he shaves, make his bed or any of the other daily drudgeries. For a little while every day he takes the attention he should be giving to his job and focuses it on her like a laser beam.

If you cut her loose, he’d lose interest. Some men only want the forbidden wife who belongs to someone else. If they were really available, they’d lose all their attractiveness. The fact they are both wearing wedding rings adds to their juvenile Romeo and Juliet thwarted love scenario.

Your wife is a fool. I’m curious how she’s doing with the kids? Is this man causing her to distance herself from them or resent them?

Oh, yeah… newsflash, lady… those kinds of men really don’t want the responsibility of raising some other man’s kids.

Sir, do whatever it takes to keep that marriage going until she comes to her senses. Because she seems to lack the brains to come in out of the rain, and you don’t want to set her free where your children are exposed to her moronic love choices. You want those kids where YOU can protect them.
 
RJ, I’ve been following this thread but didn’t have anything to add since I don’t think I can help much. But I wanted to come and say to you that I am praying for you and hope your wife comes to her senses. I went to a program that starts as a retreat and then has weekly sessions. It’s called Retrouvaille. I think someone else already mentioned this to you. If there is any way you two can compromise to doing this, it might help save your marriage.

The only bad thing here is that she says one thing and then changes her mind. I’m sorry she doesn’t want to do the counseling. I cannot imagine what you must be going thru.

I cannot imagine that she would want to compromise your marriage that way. I think Chovy is right. You really need to come down to an ultimatum. If she can’t see she’s losing you, an ultimatum will show her you are not going to take this any longer. If you were to leave her, could you keep your children? That way she’ll see her emotional affair is destroying your family. I cannot believe she’s being so selfish. What happened to the vows she made to you in the altar? :mad:
 
RascalJones said:
This sucks. This really, really sucks.

Talked again last night. Asked her what she thought about going to counseling, and she basically said that we should just put our heads down and get through it. That she’s not “good at opening up to people” (Yes, that includes ME) She says that when she was a kid, she was hurt a lot and you just put your head down and “get through it”.
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She NEEDS counseling. Her statements are huge, clear, red flags that there is past trauma she hasn’t dealt with. The affair may have been a way of running away from real emotional intimacy (her marriage), so she didn’t have to “open up” to someone close to her…much less revisit her childhood!

That’s what my ex did. Maybe I’m projecting, but it SURE sounds familiar.

Of course she doesn’t want to go to counseling. She’s afraid. She’ll grab at any excuse to stay out of counseling.

I drug my ex into counseling and he clammed up so tight he was like a robot the entire time. She has to be willing to go through the process if it’s going to help her and you. Tread carefully and pray, don’t be heavy handed.

IMO, there’s really no such thing as an emotional affair. There are affairs that haven’t gotten physical yet, but they’re heading that way.

Paying for you both.
 
She needs some counseling ALONE…don’t drag her to marriage counseling, she’s not ready for it.

Believe me.

Just encourage her to get HERSELF in counseling.
 
I know the things that she dealt with as a kid. She’s told me about it. In the early years, she never hid a thing from me.

I told her that I’m going with or without her, but that I’d rather she come along.

As far as the kids, she’s a WONDERFUL mother. She puts them first every day. Although, it was my feeling at the time, I never voiced it, but I wanted to tell her that she wasn’t just cheating on me, but them too. But, I never said it. I never said a lot of things I should have.

Pardon my language, but DAMN it feels good to talk about this with people. To gain perspective, courage, strength, and know that there are people out there that care and are rooting for you. I’ve felt pretty alone through all of this.

Of course, the confusion that I feel is multiplied by the fact that I can’t keep my hands off of her. I have 2 STRONG feelings that I fight every day…one is Anger for what happened, and the other is Lust, because I love the physical relationship with my wife. I think I’m starting to drive her crazy with my yo-yo mood swings. I gave up sex for Lent, hoping it would make me stronger through all of this, but I’m ready give in NOW. I’m so screwed up.

Thanks for all the support. I AM going to confession next week, probably Tuesday, and I AM going to get help at the very least for myself.
 
RascalJones said:
Of course, the confusion that I feel is multiplied by the fact that I can’t keep my hands off of her. I have 2 STRONG feelings that I fight every day…one is Anger for what happened, and the other is Lust, because I love the physical relationship with my wife. I think I’m starting to drive her crazy with my yo-yo mood swings. I gave up sex for Lent, hoping it would make me stronger through all of this, but I’m ready give in NOW. I’m so screwed up.
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Have you heard about “hysterical bonding”. This is what I found on survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

"Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS’s experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS (betrayed spouse); as if they are “rewarding” the WS (wayward spouse) for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS’s remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. "
 
That was definitely the first 2 months. Without a doubt.

It’s calmed since then, but I’m still way interested. She’s less so. Kind of like before everything happened.
 
RascalJones said:
One person gets involved in an emotional affair. Both the husband and wife sitll love each other and want to work it out.

BUT

The person who had the affair still wants to be friends with the “other person”. Is this a possiblity? How can the one who was cheated on ever accept any sort of friendship between them?
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Sounds might suspicious…or stupid…to me.

If the straying spouse truly wanted to reconcile, why maintain a relationship with the other person?

I suppose if someone was an alcoholic, and broke the addiction, they should still keep alcohol in the house? :confused:

For the straying spouse to even present this as an idea is a red flag that could indicate any number of things:
  • dishonesty (e.g. still carrying on the relationship with the other person)
  • disagreement over it being wrong (e.g. in his or her heart believing they didn’t do anything wrong)
  • something that might require professional help, such as being easily manipulated by others, or having no personal identity
  • a serious issue in the marriage that makes the straying spouse hesitant to give up their “life line”
 
I really have reached the breaking point (thanks in no small part to all you fine folks here). I realize that my wishy-washiness is only going to make my OWN pain last longer. And that’s not fair to me, her, or our kids.
 
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand. I found out that my husband was in not one but three emotional affairs just one year ago. I had suspected it for about two years before and tried to confront him but every time I did he hid it from me even more.
Unfortunately, the one he was most involved with had to sort of run its course so to speak and it was then that when I discovered one of the other two relationships that he began to recognize what he had been doing.
It has been extremely painful. We have gone to marriage counseling. I found the counselor through our local Catholic Charities. It was hard. He had a difficult time doing the counseling because the counselor was so firm with him about his responsiblity for the affairs.
You need to get to the root of the problem. My husband has come to realize that some very difficult things in his childhood are at the root of his problems. His own family was and still is very dysfunctional although you might not realize that on the service.
Your wife cannot see the hurt and pain she is causing as she is not thinking clearly.
Educate yourself. You can do a google search on emotional affairs or emotional infidelity. Try to understand why she is doing what she is doing and also what you have done to hurt your relationship. Read articles, books, seek advice from your parish priest or one that has a good track record with this type of counseling. If she will not go to counseling with you go your self. She may come later.
What I have learned from this (and it is not easy I still struggle everyday) is that I have to take care of me in order to take care of my children and my husband. Someone also recommended a book to me “Codependent No More”. A priest had recommended it to them.
When you start working on yourself you may see a difference in how your spouse responds to you. Just keep saying to yourself “I will make it.”
And most of all pray…I have said so many prayers.
If you seek the advice of a marriage counselor the first thing they will tell both of you is “all contact with the OP must cease”. If that means changing jobs, moving, whatever it takes. Your marriage has to be the priority.
 
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